tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24695827241395689322024-03-19T11:47:10.922-07:00A Day In the Life of NolanThis blog follows my life, however boring it may be!
Enjoy (:‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.comBlogger538125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-9971391307866275922014-06-13T00:35:00.000-07:002014-06-13T00:35:32.878-07:00Archives from the End of the World: Little Intro ThingSo I wanna start writing more, and after losing ALLLLLLLLL my work about a year ago, this is what I've got from a fresh start. It's not much, but I cranked most of this out within the last couple hours. So... yeah.<br />
<br />Just a word of warning, it doesn't have great format, as this is written in this style just cause it's easy for me to read and such. Also, there's probably mistakes as I'm EXHAUSTED and I need sleep. Also there's a couple things in there you can't understand without other data, but I'll get it there eventually.<br />
<br />
Here ya go!<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
The Scythe<br />
<br />
It was almost silent in the troop carrier.<br />
<br />
Silent, save for the squads' Paladins, reciting prayers and anointing their soldiers with holy oils and the clattering of train on the tracks.<br />
<br />
"Holy Father, you hold our lives in your hands, bestow blessings upon your soldiers. Assist us, grant us the boons of accuracy and speed on our holy weaponry to smite the demon scum that inhabit your holy church grounds. Amen."<br />
<br />
The amen was puncuated by a loud click-clack as the squad pulled the bolts back on their rifles and let them snap forward again.<br />
<br />
"You don't really believe in all that Holy Father mumbo-jumbo, do you?" One soldier remarked to the one next to him.<br />
<br />
As he kissed his holy charm and slid it under his uniform, the man replied, "Of course I do. His Holiness has been here since before the Great Sickness, and he himself led the charge for humantiy to take shelter in what is now the Holy City. He may not be here right now, but his prayers are with us, even in the hour of our need. This battle will be simple."<br />
<br />
"Alright men, listen up!" A bellowing voice came from the front of the car as the brakes started squealing to a stop. "The area we are being ordered to purge today is none other than the church that our Holy Father was elected to High Priest. As such, we are required to be as careful as possible while engaging in combat amongst the holy scriptures and tokens in the building. Some damage will be unavoidable, but work as hard as possible to avoid unecessary damage. All the demons we are likely to encounter today will be under Rank 3, so you should be in minimal danger. But that is NO excuse to get sloppy today. We get in there, we eliminate the threat, and we block it off for repopulation. Perform your last prayers, paint on your sigils. Apothecaries, prepare your elixirs and incantations. Beserkers, stay in the back until we need you. Let's move out."<br />
<br />
The chatter ceased, the silence only broken by the nervous shuffling of the soldiers. The carrier doors slammed open abruptly, causing the outside light to stream in.<br />
Rain pattered down from grey skies, with distant thunder splitting the sky. The area was desolate. What once was a thriving, beautiful church set on a busy street corner now looked as if the building had been dropped from a great height. The once-proud towering buttresses now crumbled. The stained glass windows that had caused many to flock to the mid-day services were shattered, mere shadows of themselves. Cracks overgrown with thorns the thickness of a man grew in the massive gashes in the street.<br />
<br />
The purging force split into 3 squads, each with an Apothecary of the Faith, a Beserker, and 4 footsoldiers. The men and women stepped forward into the church, not fully sure of what to expect, but ready for danger. Rail-mounted flashlights swiveled around corners as the squads slowly made their way through the church doors. The massive, gilded double doors creaked open as years of built-up dust fell off the intricate designs carved into the thick steel. As the squads stepped into the church, it became clear that they had stepped into something more dangerous than was in the briefing. The flashlights swept across the room, checking each nook and cranny, and finding only one thing: the enemy. They had come across a nest of Rattlers; demons that had once been human, but had been stretched out thin from the Great Sickness, and forced to slide on their chests, which caused the skin to scrape and decay, leaving only the spine and ribcage behind, which created the infamous "rattling" noise as they pulled themselves across the ground for months on end.<br />
Throughout the whole church, a massive scraping and rattling noise arose, as hundreds of pairs of glowing eyes blinked into sight, intent on the prey that had entered their domain. The seargent who had been giving orders previously quickly backed up and began yelling more. "FOOT SOLDIERS. TO THE FRONT. Protect the Apothecaries, who will begin assisting the Beserkers! Let's move people, we're supposed to clear this area, and in the name of the Holy Father, we WILL!"<br />
<br />
The men and women moved like a well-oiled machine. The foot soldiers quickly formed a half-circle around the Beserkers, who knelt in front of the Apothecaries and prepared to receive their holy blessings. As the Apothecaries pulled out the hallowed elixirs from their cases and slid them into the injection guns, they began chanting the Beserker's Creed.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Holy Father, we are your strong right arm, we are your sword. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Use us as you see fit, we lend our strength to you to smite those who have become a plague upon this Earth. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>From these holy blessings we infuse with ourselves, allow our eyes to be blinded by your chaos. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Through this divine madness, may our bodies be filled with sacred wrath, feeling no pain, and having only one purpose; to perform thine will, and obliterate thine enemies.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Amen."</div>
<br />
The Rattlers slowly began sliding forward, taking more of a curious interest in the prey that had dared enter their lair, as opposed to immediately attacking.<br />
<br />
The Beserkers stood up from their prayers and, as one, accepted the vial of demon blood that the Apothecaries provided them with, dipped their thumb into it, and smudged war paint designs and sigils into their skin, ignoring the sharp pain of acidity it inflicted.<br />
<br />
The demons began sliding forward faster, clearly fed up with the lack of aggression that their prey was displaying. The foot soldiers opened fire immediately, focusing their fire on whichever creature was closest. As the guns blazed, Apothecaries placed their palms on the Beserkers' foreheads and, with a final prayer, plunged the needles into the exposed skin of their neck, pushing down on the syringe, injecting them with the sacred elixirs.<br />
<br />
Of course, in warfare, there are always unforeseen consequences. After injection, one of the beserkers died instantly. The man began bleeding from his eyes, his ears, and his mouth. His eyes bulged out, foam poured out of his mouth, and throughout his body, it was clear to see his veins were bursting. His body and heart were unable to handle the pure power of the injection combined with the pain from using the demon blood. The other two, however, quickly entered a state of pure bloodlust. Their eyes glazed over, their veins bulged out. The second the apothecaries called out "Injection complete," the foot soldiers all shifted ranks to the side to allow the Beserkers a full line of sight to the Rattlers, as even an ally will become a target whilst under the influence of His Holiness' battle potions.<br />
<br />
As the two remaining Beserkers slammed into the groups of Rattlers, the foot soldiers and apothecaries closed ranks once again and began firing into the groups off to the sides, protecting their Beserkers at all costs, as they were the ones who were truly the most fearsome. The Beserkers and their weapons of choice, most often large steel mallets that were difficult to lift without being under the effects of bloodlust, or even massive steel halberds. Guns and more complex weaponry were forgone by Beserkers, as at that point in mental stability and intelligence after being injected, anything that requires manual dexterity is too difficult to use against the enemy.<br />
<br />
As the battle raged, the seargent quickly stepped to the back and whipped out his radio, calling the nearest outpost, "Outpost Q-634, do you copy?? We have a massive Rattler infestation in the holy church in zone Q-631, and we are requesting backup immediately! I have heard that His Holiness' Scythe is currently en route to your position, are you able to redirect him towards us? Over."<br />
There was a bit of static as the seargent awaited reply with baited breath, and was rewarded with, "We copy, seargent. The Scythe has been redirected to you , E.T.A. 2 minutes, try to hold out until then. Over."<br />
The seargent let out a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived as a Rattler dropped from the ceiling and landed directly on top of him. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the monstrosity attacking him. It was once human, that much was easy to see. There was the clear shape and form of a human, but all the skin on the anterior side of the body was either torn to shreds or just completely gone, exposing the skeleton and nerves below. The face was the closest thing to a human, though the skin on the lower half of the head was in tatters, with the skull and remains of teeth showing through the shreds. The eyes were glowing red, giving off a menacing glow. A low, gutteral roar slid out of the thing's throat, and was immediately silenced as the seargent whipped his pistol out from his thigh holster, held it against the Rattler's head, and pulled the trigger. As it jerked to the side, he jumped on top and stepped into its spine, shattering it. He wiped the blood off his face and surveyed the battlefield. They weren't in a good place. One of the Beserkers had fought his way to the center of a massive group and was in danger of going down. The other had lost a hand and was gushing blood, yet was bellowing in the face of the enemy and using his intricate halberd to sever the spines and decapitate any demon that was within 5 feet of him. They had lost numerous foot soldiers, mostly to Rattlers who had snuck in close and dragged them off. If His Holiness' Scythe didn't show up soon...<br />
<br />
Just as the seargent was about to debate a tactical retreat, he heard footsteps behind him. He whipped around, and there he was. The Scythe. Few men had been able to meet him personally, and even fewer had seen him in combat. The seargent was a privelaged man, having had his life saved by the Scythe when he was naught but a young recruit. His squad had been wiped out by a den of Harpies, and he managed to kill but one. As he was accepting his death, the Scythe had saved him.<br />
<br />
He wasn't intimidating at first glance. He wasn't above-average size, he was even a little small for a man. He carried no massive weapons. All he carried was an ancient sword known as a "katana" and two pistols he had dubbed "Angelus Mortis" and "Angelus Retributionis". His armor was less gaudy than others of his rank, forgoing any intricate pieces, and instead opting for a simple longcoat with multiple steel plates fixed upon the chest and right shoulder. What was, however, the most unique aspect of this man was his eyes; he was a heterochromiac. His left eye was brown but his right eye was a brilliant green, which tended to startle anyone who wasn't ready for it. Within those eyes lurked a fierce determination, an angry spirit who would burn those who got too close.<br />
<br />
As the seargent bowed respectfully, the Scythe pulled out a small elixir from a pouch in his belt, and jabbed it into his neck, pressing down on the plunger. His body shook briefly, and when he opened his eyes, not just his right, but his left eye was a bright green. He took a deep breath and pulled out a pistol, kissing the barrel and reciting a quick prayer. Immediately after pulling the slide back and letting it go with a sharp "chak," he dashed forward with almost inhuman speed. He vaulted over pews with one hand while using the other to eliminate Rattlers. Two shots were all he needed; one to the head and one to the spine. One after another, he picked them off with vicious accuracy, a one-man army. He spread his attacks across the room, clearing rooms, assisting the Beserkers and foot soldiers. When his clip ran low, he slid his sword out of his sheath and began decapitating the demons, then cleaving their spines in two.<br />
<br />
Within twenty minutes, the church was cleared. The dust settled, and the scent of iron hung over the room as the men and women of the holy military cleaned the blood off themselves and their weaponry. The Beserkers' elixirs wore off, and they slowly returned to a normal state, exhausted and bleeding from their battle.<br />
<br />
The seargent looked around to thank the Scythe for his service, but he was nowhere to be found.‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-68600651882504605462014-03-23T01:13:00.001-07:002014-03-23T01:13:23.509-07:0003/22- ErmI don't remember what I did today. I mean, I slept in pretty late after Ben came over last night. I took a nap. I wrote the questionnaire I'm going to be using for my World Music research paper, and managed to make myself workout. I mean, I didn't go to the gym. I had my own little night with the free weights, doing chest presses, curls, squats, and different workouts with what I had. It was difficult because I have 15 and 5 pound weights... I need 10 for my lateral raises, 20 for my curls, and 25 for the presses. It kinda was weird not using what I usually use, but it worked. I'm excited to get back to the gym and kick ass. It's funny how difficult squats with 30 pounds over your shoulders are after a week of minimal working out, especially when you're used to using 40 to 50 pounds. Blah. I need to get back to the gym. I've missed it. I'm so determined to look good by summer it's not even funny. I just wish I could make myself use that same level of motivation on my school work. Sigh. I keep waiting for the motivation to kick in but it hasn't yet and it's really, really stressing me out. I mean what if it never kicks in and I do horribly? I'm hoping it doesn't come to that... But I just can't find out what I need to do to feel motivated. It's scaring me. I've just got so much to worry about that it's getting me overloaded, from the job search to the 3 research papers I have to do. Bllaaaaahhh okay I'm going to bed before I freak out or something. G'night loves.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-91124842687979123962014-03-20T23:05:00.003-07:002014-03-20T23:05:52.825-07:0003/20- SickI've kind of neglected blogging, as it's spring break! I've been spending my day doing absolutely nothing. I feel pretty sick, so I've been just sleeping in and watching Netflix.<br />
<br />
So... Yeah... I'm... Bored. Everyone's busy, I have nothing to do. Oh well. I know Ben is coming over tomorrow but he's not one to drink, so... Meh. I'm slightly bummed. But that's okay.<br />
<br />
I'm off to sleep!<br />
<br />
Night.<br />
<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-29147177556520223722014-03-17T22:32:00.000-07:002014-03-17T22:32:00.880-07:0003/17- Spring Break: Day 1I'm quite okay with how my first official day of spring break went. I slept in a pretty good amount of time, until about noon, then headed off to the gym. Came home, and... Basically spent it relaxing, watching Netflix, playing League with friends, and that's really it. I'm still hoping I hear back from Kohl's, because I desperately want that job.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow I have leg day at the gym, dinner with Lizzi at Qdoba, and that's as far as I have planned so far. Wednesday I have lunch with Alicia assuming she doesn't work, and the next two days I'm going to try and get some of my research papers done.<br />
<br />
So... That's really it. I'm going to go play some... I don't know yet. I was going to buy a Steam game but my payment failed so I gotta fix it to make sure the info is correct, then hit the hay.<br />
<br />
Adios!<br /><br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-86884070856952592232014-03-16T21:26:00.000-07:002014-03-16T21:26:26.271-07:0003/16- My body is not cooperating with me. Sooooo this was an interesting weekend. Friday night, I had Ben over and we played lots of video games and such. Then the next night I had a couple more friends over, and I consumed... Copious amounts of alcohol. I wasn't like, blackout-shitfaced drunk, but I was pretty drunk. I remember what happened and stuff, but I also remember that I was having issues walking up and down the stairs and completing my sentences. My words were all slurred and stuff. Also! I now know the kind of drunk I am. I'm the laughing one. Because I apparently kept laughing at the stupidest thing and my friend said she felt like she was actually funny because I laughed at all her jokes. I also threw up three times at the end of the night, but I think that's just because I drank it so <i>fast</i>, so if I pace myself, I might do better next time.<br />
<br />
And because of that, I had my first hangover today! Super fun! The light hurt my eyes, anything loud gave me a bigger headache, I was dizzy, and had trouble keeping food down. But ironically, I enjoyed everything .It was my first time being <i>that </i>drunk. We spent the day watching movies, sleeping, and eating unhealthy food.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow, I get to find out if I got the job, or by Tuesday. I plan on going to the gym and I'm pretty pumped for it. And since I don't have classes, I don't have a time limit on how long I have there, which means I can fit all my exercises in.<br />
<br />
Let's see... I think that's really it. I have nothing else to say, I'm pretty done! No deep thoughts, no exciting ideas, no venting, either. I'm pretty damn tired and my head still hurts and I feel mentally fuzzy, so I'll most likely go pass out soon after watching some Pokemon.<br />
<br />
So... Yeah. I think I'm done. Good night!<br />
<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-3297924138623880172014-03-13T20:07:00.000-07:002014-03-13T20:07:24.728-07:0003/13- Uh I dunnoI don't know. I've been upset all day and I have no idea why. It sucks. 1/3 of my math test was SHIT because he told us we didn't need to know anything about our last chapter for this test but surprise we had 1/3 of the test over the last chapter so I really don't think I did well on that. After that I basically came home and studied for my neuro cognitive science test and played lots of Titanfall and League. That's it. And tomorrow I have my interview that I'm very nervous about. But a friend is coming over later that night so that's good. I plan to get drunk tomorrow just because... I don't know. I just kinda want to feel something new, cause I'm awfully bored with life at the moment. Wish me luck on that interview,<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-50588871681353905452014-03-11T21:47:00.000-07:002014-03-11T21:47:36.507-07:0003/11- Sorry I've been busy!I've had Christine and Caleb over for a few days so I haven't felt like blogging.<br />
<br />
How was today...<br />
<br />
Well it kinda sucked. Not for any particular reason, I was just... Down all day. And it sucked. I wanted to be happy and smiley and do fun stuff but I just... Couldn't. Workout went well, and I got a 100% on my math test, but I just felt like something was missing all day and couldn't really get in a good mood, you know? I just felt like I had some sort of cloud over me all day and couldn't shake it. Nothing really... Happened, either. It was an all-around boring day. I worked out, I came home (didn't go to class because I like reviewing for a test alone as opposed to in a class), took a nap, studied and finished off all the Archer that's on Netflix, and... Yeah. That's it.<br />
<br />
So... I don't know! I think that's all I have for you folks. I'm probably going to go to bed now, cause I gotta be up at 6:30 again tomorrow. At least it's arms, shoulders and abs day tomorrow. I feel guilty after eating oreos and ramen tonight. I mean, I had my rice and chicken, but still. I wanted to eat something fat because I was just... I don't know. It's hard to explain. I'm just feeling like I don't have that many people I can trust to be 100% honest with me right now, which is frustrating. But it happens, so oh well.<br /><br />I'm craving hookah.<br />
I think if it's warm tomorrow I'll have some before tutoring. Nighty night!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-38965752994531668582014-03-07T22:49:00.000-08:002014-03-07T22:49:03.979-08:0003/07- I am soorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre.Today was actually pretty good! I'm impressed.<br />
<br />
I didn't get an early workout because I didn't feel up to it after staying up late with Caleb and Christine last night. So I got up, went to class, blah blah... Last class was canceled! So I decided to go and work out for a long time. I added some new lifting exercises with free weights and barbell squats. Well the squats are leg day but I added them yesterday. It was great. I am very sore from it.<br />
<br />
After that, I went home and played League with Josh and Lizzi for a good 4 or more hours, and it was great. We had a lot of fun and I loved it. Playing with them is just so much fun, I try not to play alone anymore unless I have to, just cause it's so much more fun with a team on Skype.<br />
<br />
In recent news, I PREORDERED DARK SOULS II AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. APRIL 25TH.<br />
<br />
I bought Lego Marvel Super Heroes today, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I can tell I'm going to spend lots of time unlocking all 180 characters. Hopefully. And it's split screen so people can play with me if they're there!<br />
<br />
Uhhhhhh yeah. That's it.<br />
<br />
Christine and Caleb are coming over tomorrow, and I bought them a game so we can all play it! Exciting.<br />
<br />
Nighty night.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-27264207009013223422014-03-05T23:31:00.002-08:002014-03-05T23:31:28.641-08:0003/05- Ah today was... Eventful. Today actually was!<br />
Starting with my workout. I decided to start adding actual lifting into my upper body days, even if it's simple stuff like barbells and lat pulldowns. I mean, for the first time since I started, my chest is sore after chest and back day. Like pretty sore. I do the machines that I usually do, I just added another lat machine, and I did 3x10 presses with 20 pound barbells on an inclined bench, flat bench, and declined bench. So hopefully I can get some chest definition now. I still need to start using the large weights, but that's for another time.<br />
<br />
After that I had class, blah blah blah, then had an interview at Chick-fil-A! It went great, and I got the job. But I have an interview with Kohl's next week, so I told the CFA guy that I wanted to wait because I "was going to be out of town and unable to get back to him yet." I'm really really really <i>really </i><b style="font-style: italic;">really </b>hoping I get the job at Kohl's. I'd kill to work in retail with clothing and get a discount on clothes. I'd get to spend my day around fashion, and I would look forward to that. So here's hoping I can get that one.<br />
<br />
Yeah... That's it. I have major feels right now. Standard-issue feeling alone and ignored stuff, and missing Frankie because she's in the hospital still.<br />
<br />
I just want to feel wanted by someone. Not even in a romantic way. In a friendly way would be just fine with me. But I'm losing friends and the friends I have are slowly losing contact with me and it's getting frustrating. I miss when people would want to stay up late talking to me. When people would actually <i>tell </i>me about their day. I don't know what's been happening but I think my friends are outgrowing me. But that's their problem, right? If they don't want to be around me, that's their choice. It just means they're not the ones who will be showing up to my wedding in the future. So I just have to accept that people will grow apart except for a select few, and to hold those few closer than the others.<br />
<br />
Yeah.<br />
I don't know.<br />
<br />
I'm pissed off, frustrated, upset, and lonely all at the same time. I don't like it and it's getting on my nerves that I'm affected by something so fucking small, you know? It's okay though. Just keep breathing and working out and I'll be fine. I'm going to go to sleep now before I get feeling worse! Nighty night folks.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-75444933172690080382014-03-04T21:59:00.001-08:002014-03-04T21:59:10.767-08:0003/04- Today was okay.My workout was kickass and felt <i>great</i>, and I upped a little weight on a couple machines, so that was fun. After that I had class which was boring as helllll then went home. My puppy Frankie is in the hospital, and that's why today wasn't great. I spent the evening playing League and reading up for a quiz tomorrow. I have an interview for Chick-Fil-A tomorrow which is... A job. So that's good. Not super excited but it makes money!<br />
<br />
I'm off to shower and shave then head to sleep.<br />
<br />
Nighty night.<br />
<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-69170165431578411372014-03-03T22:43:00.002-08:002014-03-03T22:43:25.040-08:0003/03- WelllllllllllllllpWhat's up? I'm bored. I think I'm going to play some Dark Souls before bed. Try and level up my PvP character. Got nothin better to doooooooooooo.<br />
<br />
So how was my day...<br />
Went to work out, went to class, dropped by Wal-Mart and picked up some rice and such for dinner, then came home and watched Pokemon and did absolutely nothing all evening. I studied for a lil bit and applied to another job but that's it. Lots of League tonight. Been playing Nidalee top and support Karma all evening.<br />
<br />
So it's been fun. I enjoy it. Thanks to Lizzi and Caleb I've been playing it constantly, so I'm basically re-addicted to it.<br />
<br />
I don't really know what else to say, I'm kinda bored. And sleepy. So I'm going to go play Dark Souls then head to bed. Night night.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-4060534837795829892014-03-02T21:39:00.001-08:002014-03-02T21:39:14.974-08:0003/2- Hmmm. Whattttttt did I do today. Hmmm.<br />
<br />
Nottttttt much. I mean, I woke up and slept again. Played some League and other various games.<br />
<br />
Throughout the evening, I invited 4 or 5 friends to play some League with me, and... Well, all of them ignored me and went straight into another game. Except one person whoa actually hit the "decline" button, which I actually prefer. I mean, if you're going to ignore me, it just feels like you don't think I'm worth the time to hit one little button. At least if you hit the decline thing, I can see that you actually contemplated playing with me, then hit no because you don't feel like playing with me. I understand that.<br />
<br />
So yeah. I wrote in my venting journal a little bit about a lot, which was nice.<br />
<br />
My computer has been pissing me off. The graphics card is freaking out and occasionally shutting off. And it's not the card's fault so it's not broken, and I can't RMA it. So I think it's something else.<br />
<br />
I don't know everything is bothering meeeeeeeee and getting on my nerves. I need to get to the gym. I'll go tomorrow morning.<br />
<br />
In that case, I do believe it's bed time. So I'm off to sleep. Good night.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-66807391584289530062014-03-01T23:10:00.001-08:002014-03-01T23:10:25.943-08:0003/01- I was spectacularly lazy. Also it snowed. Yeah, it snowed. It kinda bums me out. I don't like the snow as much anymore, it's getting obnoxious! I like the warm weather.<br />
<br />
Today, I was... Very, very lazy. I slept in late (11ish), woke up and played lots of video games,<br />
<br />
And...<br />
<br />
That's literally it. I also took a nap. And ate brown rice and chicken with chopped-up peppers in it while I watched POKEMON WHICH IS NOW ON NETFLIX.<br />
<br />
And...<br />
Yeah...<br />
<br />
I'm not feeling great right now. I'm emotionally blah and easily upset and I need to go to the gym but the roads are nasty so I'm waiting until Monday.<br />
<br />And plus a song on Pandora just came on that I used to listen to with my last girlfriend came on, so... Yeah. I'm just kinda eh. And yet I haven't changed the song. It's not that I miss <i>her, </i>it's that I miss what I had with someone. Aside from the stress I had from her, I mean. Annnnd now I'm really lonely.<br /><br />Fuck.<br />
<br />
I want to meet someone sometime soon, you know? I just want someone to care for who will treat me like a damn equal. It's just hard to find someone who has all the interests I do. I can't imagine meeting anyone who loves cars, video games, and the same type of movies and music I do. I honestly can't imagine what it would be like to meet a cute girl who has those interests anymore. It's annoying me right now. It usually doesn't, but when I'm already down it kind of compounds on whatever I'm feeling and just makes me feel like more shit.<br />
<br />
I kind of want to vent but I don't know what to say really. It's not that I'm depressed, it's just than I'm frustrated and lonely at the same time, and I can't really make myself meet someone faster. I can meet people at parties and stuff, but there's no guarantee my next date will be there, right? I'm better off waiting till summer when I: a) Will have a hotter body and: b) Won't have school to stress about.<br />
<br />
Oh well. I mean, I have the gym to look forward 6 (usually) days out of the week, and I'm pretty damn proud of myself for going so often. On top of that, I handled that last attempt at a relationship very well, and I've been doing pretty well, actually. It's just that some nights I feel awfully lonely. So I think I'm doing very well. Yay me!<br />
<br />
Alright.<br />
<br />
I'm off to play more games then hit the hay.<br />
<br />
Adios,<br />
<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-57786299113685889732014-02-28T22:31:00.002-08:002014-02-28T22:31:27.741-08:0002/28- Not really feeling it tonightNot because I'm upset or anything, I mean, I had a fantastic day!<br />
<br />Workout went very well, classes were pretty normal, then Caleb and Christine came over for the evening. I just... Blah. Don't feel like putting much effort into my blog tonight. I don't want to sleep but I'm exhausted. And it's snowing so I'm sad. I like the grip season more. My car is fun to drive when it's not snowing.<br />
<br />
Honestly, I'm just holding out till my tax refund so I can get a Dualshock 4 controller, Dark Souls 2, and some more RAM.<br />
<br />
UGHHH I WANT DARK SOULS II ALREADY.<br />
<br />
WAITING SUCKS.<br />
I DON'T NEED A GIRLFRIEND JUST GET ME DARK SOULS.<br />
<br />
Ah well.<br />
<br />
I'm off to play some zombie-related games, then go to bed.<br />
<br />
Night!<br />
<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-36431019936848063762014-02-27T20:27:00.001-08:002014-02-27T20:27:57.055-08:0002/27- Therapy! Working out! American Idol!All these and more!!!<br />
<br />
Yeah today was iffy. Not bad obviously.<br />
<br />I started the day with a nice work out (arms, shoulders, abs), then headed off to a therapist appointment.<br />
That went really well. We tackled a couple important topics, like how things went with that girl the night before Valentine's Day, and we had a very good conversation about it, and he gave me some great things to think about. So that was fun. After therapy, I went off to class. Well, I had a couple hours before class, so I bought a bagel and cream cheese and applied to a couple new jobs.<br />
<br />
Then I had class woohoo.<br />
Then I went home and played some League with Christine and Caleb! I am proud to say I turned down a brown sugar Pop-Tart because I had had enough sugar all day. It was difficult. Anyway. They were still at my house from last night. We played a couple games and didn't do well on any of them, then they went off to Christine's house for American Idol night, and I decided to join them. I showered and ate my brown rice and chicken, then headed over there. I got some studying done while I watched it with them, and it was really fun! I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then I went home, and now I'm sitting here at a complete loss for which game I want to play on Steam. I'm having trouble deciding.<br />
<br />
All I want is my tax refund so I can get more RAM and a new controller.<br />
<br />
AND DARK SOULS II.<br />
<br />
IN 12 DAYS.<br />
<br />
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.<br />
<br />
SO EXCITED.<br />
<br />
Okay. I'm going to go find something to play then go to bed. I might even just go straight to bed. Got nothing better to do.<br />
Nighty night.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-52709684848519658432014-02-25T20:55:00.001-08:002014-02-25T20:55:27.039-08:0002/25- Legggggggg day!My legs aren't as dead today... I'm kind of bummed.<br />
I mean, I worked as hard as I usually do. Maybe I'm just getting used to the resistances I use. Yay progress!<br />
<br />
Let's see what else did I do today...<br />
Went to math class. I'm starting to realize the only reason to go to math class is to do the in-class response things that are worth a small amount of points, because I do all the learning by myself. It's kinda weird. But I mean I'm going. But at the same time, if there is a class I can afford to skip... It's that one.<br />
<br />
After classes, I went to Wal-Mart and picked up a salad, some protein shakes, and a protein bar. I've read that I should eat some protein <i>before </i>my workout as well as after, so I'm going to see if there are any protein bars I can occasionally pick up (cause they're like a dollar or more each).<br />
<br />
After Wal-Mart, I came home and played some League with Caleb and Lizzi, then a game with Lizzi, and now I'm waiting to find out if anyone else is going to get on so I can play with them. If not, I'll just go to bed.<br />
<br />
Uh... Yeah! Tomorrow is fulllllll. I have my early workout, then classes, then I'm getting lunch with my friend Brynn, then math tutoring, then Christine and Caleb are coming over! Pretty excited.<br />
<br />
I'm probably going to go play some other games and wait to see if anyone wants to play League. If not, I'm off to bed. Nighty night folks,<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-52374750423524426722014-02-24T23:08:00.002-08:002014-02-24T23:08:50.635-08:0002/24- My neck hurtttttttts.It really does. Like a lot. I think I slept on it weird. And it was disappointing because it was chest, back and abs day, so the whole workout was a little off, with my neck being jacked up and all. But I made it. I went a little higher on my resistances today too! Only one I didn't do so well on was the pectorals machine, because my neck twinged and made me mess up my form and pull an arm muscle weird. Blah. But abs went well.<br />
<br />
After the gym, I did class and all that. I played League for a couple games with this guy named Josh today! He's really fun to play with. We tried laning together annnnnnnd it didn't go well. But that's because I have no supports, so... Didn't go well. Our second game I played mid and absolutely wrecked (33/8). I'm trying to get more people to play with us, but nobody really has time. They're either asleep, busy, or just won't answer. So for the most part when I play, it's with one other person. After League, I did the normal stuff. Nap, play more games, do homework.<br />
<br />
I started talking to my friend Brynn again, and we're getting lunch on Wednesday! I'm very very excited, I miss that girl a lot. Found out one of my friends (who rarely dates) is now dating someone! Good for her. Annnd that's really it.<br />
<br />
I've been doing... Okay. Mentally and emotionally and stuff. I'm still having issues with too much thinking about a couple things, and overthinking where my relationships are with my friends, but I'm okay. Just lonely is how I'd describe it. Just gotta put the head down and keep pushing forward though. Not much else to do. I just hope I figure out how to make more friends, because I'm kind of running out of them. I've got maybe 3 or 4 that actually talk to me, maybe 2 on a regular basis. Blah. I suppose I should actually attempt to socialize and meet people. But that requires effort.<br />
<br />
I'll figure it out. Oh well.<br />
Tomorrow issssssss leg day! Yay! I'm off to sleep now. Night!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-61590991410632871132014-02-23T21:49:00.001-08:002014-02-23T21:49:04.406-08:0002/23- Ehh. Not bad, today just... Wasn't great. It had its good moments, but not enough to make the whole day good.<br />
<br />
But at least it wasn't bad.<br />
<br />
Let's seeeee what happened what happened... Well it was rest day so I didn't go to the gym. Which kinda bummed me out cause I wanted to, but I figured it'd be good to keep the routine going, and shoot for 6 days a week. I spent the day figuring out my hookah situation. I have an extra one that used to be my friend Ashley's, but it's messed up and won't really do anything right... The vase is lopsided, the center stem won't seal, the top where the bowl goes won't seal... It's a mess. So I'm most likely going to just hold onto it until I have the money to replace the pieces and make it basically a new hookah.<br />
<br />
Speaking of money... My mom helped me with my tax refund! I'm getting $219 back!!!! You know what that means...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvpNcGzPUrn8LoGHh2I72J5J8zYLvBsJvDtKnvWQdlArQJqfi724MAPRpVtoKh6mXEVSDRDdp1f1BAZoOotNwHJcLBQXvE3efbt7eNwqsHZhDqIJA4oSPp7I7pRj4_SfGFunoIfBiZaFY/s1600/2425629-dark%252Bsouls%252B2%252Bshield%252B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvpNcGzPUrn8LoGHh2I72J5J8zYLvBsJvDtKnvWQdlArQJqfi724MAPRpVtoKh6mXEVSDRDdp1f1BAZoOotNwHJcLBQXvE3efbt7eNwqsHZhDqIJA4oSPp7I7pRj4_SfGFunoIfBiZaFY/s1600/2425629-dark%252Bsouls%252B2%252Bshield%252B1.jpg" height="444" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw7FqHOF9hB8pRz76BLwh9R6n4WZUHm7lTwkU1ZSwNDlNSsHLQclWUh1514W6689vmjR1FX-mJ2u3zSg8Tzc01WpwFKpgdEBY0jzEIdCLROGgUrudHmW79RVqTBzMy5cNwmE9UOMCilu8/s1600/dark-souls-2+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw7FqHOF9hB8pRz76BLwh9R6n4WZUHm7lTwkU1ZSwNDlNSsHLQclWUh1514W6689vmjR1FX-mJ2u3zSg8Tzc01WpwFKpgdEBY0jzEIdCLROGgUrudHmW79RVqTBzMy5cNwmE9UOMCilu8/s1600/dark-souls-2+%25281%2529.jpg" height="339" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTv2ls82xhH9AQSHjwnhWoqrv_cTFBgnPjiiKeI4OTNLFES5AyTv-z7sAGG7M6Ijes1HzbVKbC5YC8Yrn3lPnG3XBeLnfQXKW_0Eg4qUF9SycjE5OSONC-cG1cKWChHKgpHMQVCCwcL64/s1600/Dark-Souls-2-AJS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTv2ls82xhH9AQSHjwnhWoqrv_cTFBgnPjiiKeI4OTNLFES5AyTv-z7sAGG7M6Ijes1HzbVKbC5YC8Yrn3lPnG3XBeLnfQXKW_0Eg4qUF9SycjE5OSONC-cG1cKWChHKgpHMQVCCwcL64/s1600/Dark-Souls-2-AJS.jpg" height="358" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0h8HPueN5O9obevaBGa-BPcmuh0dWFG6o0os7_4tNMBn_CI2oDpZ-wk93_T8edvol9em5ViUpA4RIvhWSOhzdPBlmdQ6jSxCiD3bYwiYg80S_NFHSzlV3H1NbcXWmmzGE5tGadfcvgCE/s1600/Dark-Souls-2-Logo1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0h8HPueN5O9obevaBGa-BPcmuh0dWFG6o0os7_4tNMBn_CI2oDpZ-wk93_T8edvol9em5ViUpA4RIvhWSOhzdPBlmdQ6jSxCiD3bYwiYg80S_NFHSzlV3H1NbcXWmmzGE5tGadfcvgCE/s1600/Dark-Souls-2-Logo1.jpg" height="332" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkyUPDBlODn9fAdTE_f5gy0ltoUerE1tFJrwxs0Bw8lM3QYNLKr2FCLJjpsBZtirsqyVuyGuT9cki0STiqUNntUodSWMFP1G-Sy3tYSoouowowQL9_SVF_YA65SOGqAH8P3sKT5HeCVZY/s1600/dark-souls-2-wallpaper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkyUPDBlODn9fAdTE_f5gy0ltoUerE1tFJrwxs0Bw8lM3QYNLKr2FCLJjpsBZtirsqyVuyGuT9cki0STiqUNntUodSWMFP1G-Sy3tYSoouowowQL9_SVF_YA65SOGqAH8P3sKT5HeCVZY/s1600/dark-souls-2-wallpaper.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheamZ8jDZUCLXpDHj7MAFiYRr-C_rHzqeJ8T17eOcZR5l43mHEh7cx-q-g7K6F_5FjyC9-ndtHJWq5Hsn799FE1ClBspdXnk5Q_K0ZJ7x6W1nu2_iwozkXnROyBik9rDkC-i0-9Ml6ZZ8/s1600/dark-souls-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheamZ8jDZUCLXpDHj7MAFiYRr-C_rHzqeJ8T17eOcZR5l43mHEh7cx-q-g7K6F_5FjyC9-ndtHJWq5Hsn799FE1ClBspdXnk5Q_K0ZJ7x6W1nu2_iwozkXnROyBik9rDkC-i0-9Ml6ZZ8/s1600/dark-souls-2.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWr5D6Ou2LyCiJ_GY80u7VH1jlWM40lCvG7Ttm7Yon1zEfA2F7N_kUQVPauvJ3d196XFFZ7DFbGF12nkuVo8HwOMbEdOb0QX5pKRAD7zKtcRZ29sDN9MCljhyphenhyphenUPC0BDv8fweJIK96OBk/s1600/dark_souls_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWr5D6Ou2LyCiJ_GY80u7VH1jlWM40lCvG7Ttm7Yon1zEfA2F7N_kUQVPauvJ3d196XFFZ7DFbGF12nkuVo8HwOMbEdOb0QX5pKRAD7zKtcRZ29sDN9MCljhyphenhyphenUPC0BDv8fweJIK96OBk/s1600/dark_souls_2.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOcILqfuuyltmf0mNp0f6qaTg9hqIZjtobZ_R-y_Ik3VeQTtGJkgw5j219O7h7BWpfGmKHIpqP7nSB-l_9DaaTsNllek78Vg1N7Fwl_rU94DyyDLOKGP1uxuwt92Ct4JZ2irJkHjrJKuo/s1600/tumblr_meoyo7V5gc1qzlgbao1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOcILqfuuyltmf0mNp0f6qaTg9hqIZjtobZ_R-y_Ik3VeQTtGJkgw5j219O7h7BWpfGmKHIpqP7nSB-l_9DaaTsNllek78Vg1N7Fwl_rU94DyyDLOKGP1uxuwt92Ct4JZ2irJkHjrJKuo/s1600/tumblr_meoyo7V5gc1qzlgbao1_500.gif" height="322" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
AAAH YESSSSSSS.<br />
<br />
I mean I don't know about the Collector's Edition, but I'm getting the base game on release day. And you can bet your ass I'm not going to <span style="font-size: x-small;">maybe stay home from </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">classes but I dunno yet. </span><span style="font-size: large;">BUT YES DARK SOULS II. I'm so excited. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
I'm still debating what else I want to spend it on. I mean, I probably will get another hard drive for my pc considering I only have like... 8 gigs left. Out of a terabyte. And I still have more games on Steam to download. After that? Probably just... Keep it and wait. Most likely for Titanfall. Then who knows. Whatever other games that come out.<br />
<br />
So yeah.<br />
<br />
I ended my day by playing League with a guy named Jeffrey. It was really fun! We had a couple horrible games but it was still fun at least. I was going to add in Lizzi and a couple other people, but I decided it'd be best just to get some sleep. I gotta be up at 6:30 tomorrow. Woo! I'm pumped to work out!<br />
<br />
Oh and I ate whole grain brown rice along with chicken breast tonight and it was great. So that's probably what I will have tomorrow too. I'm learning to like healthier food. I just gotta find a good PRE-workout meal. Probably just a protein bar but we'll find out. Good night!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-80501908308487979742014-02-22T22:03:00.001-08:002014-02-22T22:03:24.925-08:0002/22- Can't feel mah legs. It was legs day and I pushed myself. I'll talk about that later though.<br />
<br />
Today...<br />
I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
I didn't do much. I spent the day kind of wrapped up in my own head, which... Really didn't go well. I've been fairly upset all day, just kind of trapped in my thoughts. I mean, I have a couple things that I've come to realize in the past couple days, and a few more things to think about. I'm not going to share them on here just because... I don't know. It's private and not something I can just type out. It has to be in person. But at the same time, I don't really intend on telling anyone exactly what's going on. I can deal with it myself. It's mostly just about the state of my emotions and where I need to take them next or deal with what's been in my head. It's so hard to explain. It was really rough all day just because I had thoughts I couldn't get out of there, and the things I've slowly been starting to realize are tearing me down and make it harder to really care about stuff. Which... Is to be expected. But I figure I'll get over it soon enough. Just have to make it through the first couple weeks, and things will start to look up! I'm hopeful.<br />
<br />
Alright, I'll talk about one of the things that I've realized about this situation.<br />
At this point, I:<br />
a) Have no feelings for anyone<br />
b) Don't have anyone with feelings for ME<br />
And<br />
c) Have no one that's even an OPTION to have feelings for.<br />
<br />
And it's throwing me for a massive loop. I mean, I've always, <i>always</i> been interested in <i>someone</i>. And... I have no one. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it's like life is forcing me to WANT to improve for myself and myself alone. Which is working. But... It just upsets me at the same time. I thrive on relationships, both romantic and not. That's why I was banking on that one girl, because I knew she was the only one I had an interest in. I realize it's better off this way, but it doesn't stop things from kinda hurting when I don't have someone to try and better myself for. So I just... It upsets me. I feel alone, because I don't have an interest in someone. If that makes sense. I don't have anyone who wakes up excited to talk to me in particular, I don't have anyone who wants to be with me as more than friends, I don't have anyone that <i>I</i> look forward to talking to in particular. It's so uncomfortable. I can't stand it. But at the same time, I know it's necessary for me so I can move forward as a human being. My friends keep telling me to just be happy I'm single and enjoy it, when I really <i>don't</i>. It's hard to enjoy it when I crave someone for me to give my affection to. Yeah yeah I should be giving it to myself and being happy about it. It's hard when the people that you used to give affection to don't want anything to do with you. All my exes have problems with me and won't talk to me. I've just been feeling atrociously alone for the past month or two and I have no way of fixing it. Hanging out with people isn't helping as much anymore, and I'm just starting to fall apart at the seams and there's nothing i can fucking do about it because no one wants to let me talk to them about it. God damn I'm pissed off and upset and I can't do shit. I need to get back to the gym. I'm not taking a rest day this week, I'm going again tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Okay. Okay... I need to move on. The more pissed off I get the more likely I am to say something I'll regret. And while I can go back and change things after publishing, I prefer not to. Ruins my flow of words. Posting these things online gives me a sense of permanent-ness, like my words are unchangeable. Which helps me deal with it. Does that make sense? No. Not really. But anyway.<br />
<br />
LEG DAY. Rightrightright.<br />
I didn't blog yesterday because I had Ben over. We played some Supreme Commander and No More Room In Hell and got food at Wal-Mart. I <i>kind</i> of had a cheat night. I mean, I bought a drink with high fructose corn syrup and some unhealthy snacks, but I haven't had a craving to actually eat them yet, so they're sitting on my bed.<br />
<br />
Okay since I'm crying and listening to sad music I broke into my chocolate-covered pretzels and <i>dear god they're good. </i>When you pretty much stop eating sweets regularly you never realize how good chocolate tastes until you have some.<br />
<br />
So. Today was leg day. Right. I went there with my mind set on using no less than 110 pounds of resistance on every machine, and I fulfilled that goal! It hurt like HELL on the leg extension and leg curl, but I did it. The leg press I did 210 pounds!!! I'm SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I need to get my chest up to par next, cause it looks like shit. And my arms. They're not so great either. Improvement feels so good.<br />
<br />
Another side note about working out. I've started getting in touch with the <i>fiery rage that burns within me</i> more and more. As you all know, I used to really... Not get angry. At anyone. For anything. Even hurting me. I wouldn't care. And obviously that's no longer the case, as I've called out a couple people on a couple things. One of those times it didn't work so well. But hey, at least I tried, right? I've always been nervous to allow myself to get actually angry, because the one time I actually did, I had an adrenaline blackout and ended up repeatedly smashing my head against a punching bag. So at least I know how to keep it balanced now. But hot damn when you can get pissed off while working out? You'll start to work harder than ever. The only times I've managed to leg press over 210 were when I was really pissed off about someone or something. Only problem is if I get too pissed off I end up depressed and my form goes down the drain. Just gotta figure it all out.<br />
<br />
I'm surprised that my blogs have turned into such a venting-type-thing. I mean, I don't really do much, so most of my subject matter comes from what I was struggling with during the day and if I overcame it or not. I'm also surprised that I've managed to... Keep it low-key. I mean, I have some things that I need to talk about, but there's no way to explain the whole story at once, so I just keep it to myself. I have things I need to say to various people, but I... Can't. I just can't. Either they aren't available, or they cut contact with me, or they don't want to talk to me, or anything. It's just rough. I think I can summarize my feelings for the past few weeks as being lonely. I'm seeing a hell of a lot less of my friends, I'm talking even less to most of them, and the few really close ones I have don't seem to want to be around me much. It's just... Blah. I don't know. I'm running out of mental capacity at this point. I need to go blow up shit in some video game.<br />
<br />
So I guess... If you read these posts, it really does mean a lot to me. I honestly have been feeling really alone lately, even if I know I'm not. If we're arguing, I'm sorry. If we don't see or talk to each other often, make a move and try to hang out with me. Odds are, I'm just too shy to ask. And if I keep asking, I really am sorry, it's probably just that I miss you. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable asking for help, or talking about these things with people for fear of rejection or being judged. That's why I post them here. Where only a select few will <i>actually </i>read them!<br />
<br />
Yeah... I think that's it. I'm off to play... Something. Not sure what yet. Night guys,<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan<br />
<br />
PS I watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire today and hot damn it was good also I want to be kissed I really miss it okay <i>good night now for reals</i>‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-24651564925083624142014-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:002014-02-20T20:11:40.308-08:0002/20- Today's date without the year is a palindrome!02-20? Exciting, right?<br />
<br />
Ahahhhhhhh... Ahh.<br />
<br />
Today was confusing. It certainly had its ups and downs.<br />
It started out fantastic. I got to campus to go work out, and did pretty well. I ran a mile again. Not for time, but I did it fairly quickly, around 9:30 or something. I wasn't really trying to go faster than before, I just was doing it as warmup cardio. It was leg day, so it was fun. I was averaging about 110 pounds of resistance on most of the machines, and 90 on others. It was a good feeling.<br />
<br />
After that, I went to get ready for class, and... Kind of made a dumb mistake and started a Facebook fight with one of my friend's exes. I mean, I really don't like that kid. I really, really don't. And I was in a great mood, so I decided that today would be the day that I let him know how I was feeling. And it did not go well.<br />
<br />
He started giving me shit for things that I had no idea he even <i>KNEW </i>about. He started calling me out on some things that really, really hurt. And he was just basically talking about it like it was nothing, and giving me shit for it. I mean... I had already thought about some of the things he said, so it's not like it was new, it was just hard seeing it come from someone who shouldn't even know about it. He called me an obsessive stalker and an emotional vampire. And it... Hurt. A lot. Mostly because I used to be that way. And I know I was, okay? I wasn't the fucking healthiest kid in the head. I wasn't emotionally or mentally stable. But what goddamn right does he have to target someone's mental health when going for shots that are aimed to hurt someone?! I just... It really hurt me. I had an anxiety attack after that, because I was anxious about what people would say to me. I didn't want to be known like that. I was scared that people would admit to me that they thought I was an "emotional vampire", and they'd choose to tell me and it would just kill me more. He made fun of the fact that I was going to give that girl a Valentine's Day gift. First of all, yeah it was fucking cheesy no shit that's the point. Second of all, I knew that the girl was going to be somewhere all day, so I wanted her to have her favorite candy to start the day. I didn't... I didn't think I was that creepy. Apparently he did. And for all I know, she did too. He told me that I didn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings... That was never, ever true. I don't care what he says. I've always put peoples' feelings above mine, to an unhealthy degree at some points. Granted, I had an issue with expressing my feelings, but it wasn't because I didn't give a shit about someone else's. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He was out to hurt me, and he did. Mission accomplished. Now, when I went out and said what I did, I wasn't looking for a sense of accomplishment. I set out and said those things because it was bottled up inside and it seemed an appropriate time to let it out. Apparently it wasn't, because he was ready for it. Oh well.<br />
<br />
And you know what?<br />
I'm fucking over it. I could care less anymore. What he said gave me some things to <i>really</i> think about, and it also helped me realize a few things I didn't before.<br />
<br />
So that's that. But fuck it. I don't give a shit what he thinks. Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. I mean obviously he's taller and buffer and could kick my ass in a fight but this isn't about that. This is about ME focusing on <b>ME</b> for the first time in my life. This is about doing what's best for me. So why should I care about what he thinks? He has no bearing on my life, and neither does the other guy who supported him. They are pointless extras in the movie of my life. They caught me in a moment of weakness, I'll give them that. But it won't happen again. Mostly because I don't care.<br />
<br />
I just.<br />
I don't know.<br />
It hurts a lot. More than I'd like to admit.<br />
He was just so... On point. He had the perfect insults and called me out on the precise things that used to tear me apart. And it worked. It hurt more than anything else he could have told me. He knew my insecurities better than almost anyone else I've ever met. Fucking hell shit ass dick fuck shit fuck fuck. I just... AAAHHH I don't know. I'm furious with myself along with him, and everything just emotionally went to shit at the beginning of the day, and it cast a shadow on the rest of the day. No matter how well it went, I'd have to tackle that moment later in the night.<br />
<br />
And I'm tackling it now. On a blog. So you all can read it. Because god knows why. Only about... 3 people check up on this blog, one of them not as much anymore. I think I blog and vent because it's like there are people that I <i>want </i>to read this but I know won't, and there are people that I don't care if they read or not. So it's mostly just so I have a record of my feelings that I can physically record out and get out of my head. You all are just unlucky enough to bear the brunt of them.<br />
<br />
I think I've finally picked out why I'm tackling my own emotional problems more now.<br />
<br />
It's because I've had to tackle them alone. Not entirely alone, but mostly. When I got out of the hospital this time, I had my parents and a couple friends, but I didn't have anyone who loved me in a romantic way. I didn't have a girlfriend to cuddle with and feel better. I didn't have someone special to me that I could tell anything to. In fact, I came out of there with one less friend. Not because she wasn't my friend, but because she needed to be separate for her own mental health, (and because I needed a tiny bit of tough love), which I never had a problem with. It wasn't like she didn't care about me, it was just that she knew I needed some time alone.<br />
<br />
But on top of that, after a few months out, I gained a friend that I could tell anything to. Recently, after things with that girl didn't turn out as planned, I initially went to that new friend, but she didn't have time for me, as she was going through her own shit. So I was alone again. The normal friends I talk to were busy, so I couldn't go to them. I didn't have anyone to sit down and mentally work it out with, save for myself. Which is why it led to drinking and crying before I tackled it. So I mean... I think I'm going to be doing better when I'm alone now. It won't be the end of the world. I didn't have anyone to defend me or anything like that today, so I kind of just... Took it. Which made it hurt more, but made it so that I can learn to deal with it myself.<br />
<br />
Okay that's enough of that. I'm starting to tear up and get overwhelmed from the sheer amount of random emotions I'm feeling right now, so we're mooooooooving on.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSt4RNVpuge8eAx6IR1bswJUU3JozxjzlRMt9moBl6tfnP-vBd09ChyirM0C0Xcfrg5MxQjRjOKtKrP_Cd0icr9fUOagWXv-hyHHU7_Jvfy1z8zaBQ8wnwGAVYZcyddPEKc6zUNJshurI/s1600/cows-620x410.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSt4RNVpuge8eAx6IR1bswJUU3JozxjzlRMt9moBl6tfnP-vBd09ChyirM0C0Xcfrg5MxQjRjOKtKrP_Cd0icr9fUOagWXv-hyHHU7_Jvfy1z8zaBQ8wnwGAVYZcyddPEKc6zUNJshurI/s1600/cows-620x410.jpg" height="420" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Look I tried to get a picture of a cow saying "mooooving on" but couldn't find it so just deal with this for now. I think the caption on the site was something along the lines of "holy cow."<br />
<br />
After that shitstorm, I went to class. Turns out no class! So I went home. After I got home, I made plans to hang out with my friend Amber, but I had a couple hours to spare so I went to Sara's house! It was great. She gave me a popsicle, we watched American Dad, and I taught her how to use Tumblr! I got to vent and cry to her a little bit (without actual crying), because I just... I had to talk to someone about what happened. She told me a few good things that helped a lot and encouraged me to just move past it like it didn't even happen. Which will be hard because the things I now have stuck in my mind are going to be hard to get out, but I will figure it out. After Sara, I went to get Taco Bell with Amber! Which was really fun. We talked about her horrible excuse for a boyfriend, housing situations, jobs, money, life in general. It was awesome. I headed home afterwards and immediately hopped on my computer to play Minecraft and be lazy, which I... Did. I should probably have dinner, which I'm going to go do now, so I'll end the blog around here.<br />
<br />
One last thing... I've been thinking about it, and this is one of the <i>very </i>few times in my life where I don't have a crush on anyone at all, and I have literally no chance with any of the girls in my life. I'm basically forced to focus on myself until someone else important pops up. I just can't... I can't even begin to think of the effort that it takes to find someone new. I'm kind of fed up with other people at the moment, so this isn't a bad thing for me. I'll just have to wait. I mean, I keep hoping it'll be all cute and shit like How I Met Your Mother when I find my next relationship, but we'll see. All I know is I'm ready for some actual commitment. No more wasting half a year on someone only to be screwed over because they don't have the self-control to focus on one partner. I want a real, mature, healthy relationship. So that's... What I'm hoping I'll get next. Just gotta wait patiently.<br />
<br />
In the mean time, however, I'll be working out, playing video games, and furthering my education to become a better person that can one day support his family.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-73753370207010356852014-02-18T21:11:00.000-08:002014-02-18T21:11:27.060-08:0002/18- I AM QUITE SORELike hot DAMN yesterday's workout worked well. My abs and sides and lower back are killing me. And I have to use them again tomorrow when I work out again. It'll be fun! Today was legs day, and I did either 90 or up to 130 pounds of resistance on everything, except for the stupid prone leg curl. I can't do above 70 on that one yet. I weighed myself and came out around 155 or so, which is near 10 pounds more than I was when I started 5 weeks ago. Everyone says not to worry so I won't, but I was kinda bummed out cause I wanted to lose at least a little weight.<br />
<br />
What did I do todayyyy... Worked out, class, home, video games. Normal stuff. I had a miniature panic attack today when I saw someone I didn't particularly want to see, but I made it out fine and bought a lemonade as a personal reward. Got home and played... I don't remember. Games, undoubtedly. I managed to upgrade my graphics on Minecraft and now it looks absolutely gorgeous, which means I should probably actually play it once in a while, which I'll probably do in a few minutes after I finish this post. At least until I decide to go to bed.<br />
<br />
Uhh yeah! That's... Really it. I can't think of anything good to talk about. I'm gonna head off and play some relaxing Minecraft before bed time. Have a good night everyone!<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-80401878542197791382014-02-17T23:18:00.000-08:002014-02-17T23:18:22.407-08:0002/17- Do you ever have that one series you watch over and over?Yeah.<br />
<br />Baka and Test is for me. This will be the... Probably 3rd or 4th time I've re-watched it. I mean there's only one season on Netflix but still. It's just so perfectly hilarious that I'll watch it over and over again.<br />
Funny stuff.<br />
<br />
How was today... Well my work out was successful, as I'm sore. Today was arms and shoulders, along with abs. I've made it a personal rule that with arms and shoulders, I have to use no less than 50 pounds of resistance. With chest and back, no less than 70 pounds, and no less than 90 for my legs. My arms are pretty damn weak, so it's fair. I can leg press around 200 pounds if I really try, but to get good form I stick around 130-150. Same with arm stuff. I could do about 70 on the curls, but I'd lose my form. So I stick with light stuff and lots of reps. Endurance and lean muscle and such. At least that's my plan. Gotta get sexy by summer.<br />
<br />
Howwwwww was my day... Uh it was alright. Working out felt great. I got up extra early so I took my time and did really well with all my exercises, and added a new machine to my routine. My body hurtttttts. But not badly. Just enough to prove that I did something worthwhile.<br />
<br />
It's warming up outside!<br />
<br />
Geez I sound like awkward small talk on a first date.<br />
Lame.<br />
I'm having issues thinking straight. I've been really unfocused all day, and it's frustrating me. I don't know what the problem is. It might just be remnants of my emotionally stressful weekend, but it might be just because... I don't know. It was a boring day I guess. Not bad, just boring.<br />
<br />
After classes, I spent my day playing games and being lazy. Same as always. I studied and smoked hookah as well, which was fun.<br />
<br />
Yeahhhh.<br />
<br />That's our day.<br />
<br />
Night!<br />
<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-329704911298468302014-02-16T21:05:00.000-08:002014-02-16T21:05:01.816-08:0002/16- I was remotely healthy today!No seriously! Since my today was my rest day from working out, I chose to try and eat super-healthy.<br />
<br />
Anyway, let's continue. Ian came over yesterday and we played games. Today we played games more! Then he went home.<br />
<br />
I spent the day smoking hookah, studying, and trying to decide on a video game to play. Never really made up my mind, and I've been bouncing around game-to-game all evening. But back to the healthy part.<br />
<br />
For breakfast/lunch, I had a bag of whole grain brown rice with chicken and red peppers, and a fruit smoothie consisting of frozen fruit and yogurt as a drink. Then for dinner I had a bowl and a half or so of pasta with pepperjack cheese! So now I'm sufficiently loaded and ready for arms and shoulders day tomorrow morning.<br />
<br />
That's... Kinda it.<br />
I don't have much else to say. I'm tired, I have a headache, and I'm a tiny bit emotional off of a video that a friend posted about how love isn't supposed to hurt. So... I'm probably going to go to bed.<br />
<br />
Yeahhhh it's only 10, but my head is killing me. And I have to be up at 6:30 tomorrow, so sleep would be good to have. Ah well. I'm off to bed now guys. Sleep well! I look forward to working out again tomorrow, I kind of missed it today.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
-Nolan‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-6474017609199598392014-02-16T00:12:00.000-08:002014-02-16T00:12:08.624-08:0002/15- I missed Valentine's Day D:Oh noooooooo I missed blogging on Valentine's Dayyyyyy what an atrocityyyyyyyyy.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Nah I don't really care.<br />
I can't remember much of what happened yesterday. I mean, I woke up not being friendly. After the night I had had, I didn't really like people in general. So I did the logical thing and went straight to the gym. Then class. Then came home and played the TITANFALL BETA CAUSE OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY IT AHHHHHHH. Then Geoff came over, and we spent the night playing Titanfall and other games.<br />
<br />
I took him home today, and then went straight to the gym, because I wasn't in the mood to deal with my emotions, I chose to be awesome instead. I'm proud of myself! It was legs day, and my goal for the day was to use 90 pounds of resistance on all the machines I'd use for the day. And I did! A few of them I even used 110 or 130 pounds. I felt very proud of myself.<br />
<br />
After my workout, I went home and played more Titanfall, then League of Legends with Lizzi, then Ian came over! We played some games, and I pretty much came up to bed after a few hours because it was just getting to that point in the night where I needed to be alone.<br />
<br />
Now, how have I been feeling.<br />
Eh... Not as bad as I thought I would be by now. I mean, it still sucks. I still hurt. A lot. But in reality, what I wanted most out of that girl was a definite answer, be it yes or no. Okay what I wanted most out of her was to be with her, but that's secondary to the other point haha. The answer is the more important thing. I was prepared for a no, just... Wasn't prepared for a no when she was frustrated with me. But it happened, it's over with, and it's in the past. No point in being fed up with something that I can't change, and something that has no bearing on my life now. Part of me is slightly content that I got some freedom from the constant weight of my feelings for her. I mean, I'll probably always have a little bit of them. Then again, I still have minor feelings for a few other girls that I had a thing with, but none of the feelings are strong enough to hurt me or make life hard on me. So even if I still kind of have that "what if" feeling, I know that I'll reach the point where that won't effect me any more. I just gotta make it to that point.<br />
<br />
This all sounds a little too good to be true, I know. It sounds like I'm just saying this to allay any suspicion that I'm not in pain. I'll freely admit I hurt, I mean really. I got drunk and cried when I heard that answer. But sobering up made me very calm and collected, and I thought through it and decided I have no reason to be a little bitch about it any more. I'm going to be happy, and nobody will fucking stop me from achieving that, because I am a boss-ass bitch.<br />
<br />
For the first time in my entire life, I legitimately am believing what I'm saying to people. Yeah it hurts. But if she's not someone I'm supposed to end up with, that just means someone else is. The thing I'm struggling with most is the fact that we had the same taste in so many common things. Cars, music, hobbies, movies, video games, books, TV shows... Everything. We had so much common ground. So to me, I'm having issues coming to grips with the fact that there's some other girl out there who will have the same taste in those things that I do. I've never met a girl like her, so I always thought that she and I were a good fit. I can't get everything I want, but I suppose I'll find a girl out there with similar tastes in things as well. It's just hard to imagine another girl like that at this point, you know? But I'll find her. I've watched enough How I Met Your Mother to know how my life will turn out. Cause life is just like TV, right? ...Right?<br />
<br />
No, but seriously, I've been thinking of it in perspective to that show! It's stupid, I know, so bear with me. The way I see it, I'm dealing with the same things that Ted dealt with. Getting over someone whom he's clearly not going to be with. They even said that love was feeling the same way for someone, even when everyone else "Rolls their eyes at you." Which perfectly described how I felt towards her. I mean, after 9 years you think I would have given up. But I didn't. So people would roll their eyes when I said I still felt like I had a chance with her. There's a very dramatic part of this episode where Ted lets the girl go and she pretty much floats away like a balloon. Obviously I can't do that. But I mean... If it's time for me to let go of this girl, then I need to. It doesn't mean that 9 years of of feelings for her was a waste, it just means that they were misplaced. I'm working on letting go, which I know I can do, now that I have a definite, 100% no. Obviously I'd probably be okay with a change in answer at some point in my life haha, but I'm sincerely doubting that, so I'll just treat it like I have no chance with her, as it's a better option.<br />
<br />
I mean... Yeah. I'll be fine. I know I will. It'll be hard. But I know I will be. It's so much easier knowing that I have an answer. That makes it so I can actually begin my process of letting go of my feelings for her, and starting to actually move on and find the girl I'm supposed to be with!<br />
<br />
I think... Yeah that's really it. I'm exhausted and I could use some sleep.<br />
<br />
And you, if you're reading this, I will be fine. I promise I will. You know that I don't lie about my feelings on my blog, especially not in this long of a post. Yes, I hurt. Yes, it's unpleasant to feel this way. But no, I won't do anything stupid. I'll be fine dear. I really will. I just need to figure out how to mentally tackle this shit. I'm stronger than most people know, even including you. I have some strength deep down there that I never really tapped into, but I am now. I'll become strong and tough and stable, and you'll be impressed. Just you watch.<br />
<br />
Sleep well everyone! Have a wonderful night.<br />
<br />Love,<br />
-Nolan ‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2469582724139568932.post-27581025809469761362014-02-13T17:49:00.002-08:002014-02-13T22:05:19.111-08:0002/13- Nope, Take 2.So I'm blogging tonight. I changed my mind.<br />
<br />
Last time I chose to be a pissy little brat and not blog because I was whiny, somebody changed my mind by calling me out on it.<br />
This time, I called myself out on it.<br />
<br />
Basically, that girl that I was interested in isn't as interested in me. As in she isn't at all. So, I'm a little upset. We had an argument because I did something kinda stupid and she called me out on it, and it progressed from there to when I told her that if she didn't feel the same way she could just tell me. Which she did. At least I got what I asked for, and I'm not waiting in suspense to find out any more! I just wish I could have found out when she wasn't frustrated with me you know? I mean, I had this whole thing planned out with a little bag full of Hello Kitty gummies in like a tin purse thing, and a little Chinese takeout box full of Almond Joys, with about 20 or so of those Tumblr Valentine's Day Cards that I printed out at school today, with a letter tossed in there explaining in flowery phrasing and details how I felt and just basically asking her to take a chance with me, or at least tell me to my face that she didn't want to.<br />
<br />
Alas, I chose to do the stupid thing and just kind of ruin my own plans... And it's upsetting me a little bit, not gonna lie. I could have prevented everything about that argument, which is pissing me off! Thinking back, it was a stupid decision and I really regret it. If I had just stayed with my giving her Valentine's Day candy and stuff plan, it wouldn't have necessarily changed the outcome. But at least it would have been more pleasant for both of us.<br />
<br />
So I made a logical decision got drunk and cried.<br />
<br />
I don't regret that, actually. I mean, it wasn't like a great coping method or something, I've just always wanted to get turned down then drown my sorrows in drinking at least once in my life. But it allowed me to shamelessly cry a few tears and be upset. When I sobered up, I thought back on what happened.<br />
<br />
Yeah, I could have prevented the manner in which it happened. I could handled it better. I shouldn't have asked her how she felt when she was frustrated. It probably would have come out a little differently if she was telling me over a bag of Almond Joys and cheesy cards as opposed to when she was annoyed with my actions (and rightfully so). It may not have been a different answer, but it might have sounded different. I don't know of course, but I can hope.<br />
<br />
The question now is what do I do with the things I got her? Well, I'm probably not going to give them to her as planned. I don't know if I'm going to drop them on her doorstep. My friends are all saying no, but... I don't know. It's not like she suddenly started hating her favorite candy. It's not like they would taste bad, right? If I do put them on her doorstep, I'll probably just take out the letter and leave the rest. I mean, I don't really need to ask for an answer anymore haha. I probably will give out the candy to people who look like they're having a shit day. She put up this Facebook status that may or may not have been directed at me, I honestly have no idea. But even if it is, I deserve what she said, and she did speak the truth haha.<br />
<br />
Now, how am I feeling about all this?<br />
Well.<br />
<br />
It sucks, not going to lie. I waited a long time to get this chance, annnnnd pretty much made it so it didn't turn out how I'd expected. So of course I'm a <strike>little</strike> lot disappointed in myself. I was rude, I was immature, and did shit that I shouldn't have done if I really deserved her. Obviously it's not like I ruined my chance all at once. I mean she still would have said no no matter how I asked. I just... I really got my hopes up, you know? I thought my chances were at least pretty strong. But she said no pretty strongly, so I guess she already knew it was coming.<br />
<br />
And you know what?<br /><br />That's okay.<br />
I can live without being in a relationship with her. At this point, all I want from her is to know that we can still be friends at least. Since I won't pursue her, I won't make stupid decisions like I did, and I won't do anything like that. I just... Yeah. I really, really, fervently hope that she'll be okay with us being friends still. I love playing League with her and going cruising and going through car washes. I fucked up, and I apologized, now I just... Have to wait. Which is the worst part. But I have to give her space big time, and avoid trying to make her talk to me. It's not my decision. Which sucks because letting something out of my control just doesn't work well with me. I have to let it take its course. That's the most I can do right now.<br />
<br />
If you're reading this, I apologize again. I acted in a pathetic and immature way. I hope you'll forgive me sometime so we can still play that game I got you, along with League.<br />
<br />
At least I'm doing... Okay. I don't know if this means it'll hit me hard later on, or what exactly will happen with my mood. But I'm determined to be okay and keep my head up. I've thought before what would happen if it turns out she wasn't interested me, and I didn't expect that I'd be right. See, I thought that it would go with me getting drunk and being sad, but then when I sobered up I'd start to be okay because I'd think through it and deal with what comes. And I was so right. I mean, I'm not happy at the moment. At all. Like zero. But I'm not abnormally depressed. I'm not thinking of hurting myself. I'm actually craving getting to the gym. That's how I punish myself now. I work hard at the gym and up the resistance weights on the machines and force myself to work harder as punishment for feeling hurt over something that I shouldn't feel <i>that</i> hurt over. Yeah, this sucks. Yeah, I'm probably going to randomly tear tomorrow. But I'll fucking figure this shit out. It's not the end of the goddamn world just because a girl doesn't care for me the way I care for her. She's not the one for me; I get that. So it's time to move on and find another girl who it might be.<br />
<br />
That's the attitude I'm choosing to hold onto. I'm refusing to let this get me down. In 30 years, this will be an insignificant event. I've always been horrible at letting my emotions get the best of me. And this time, I'm changing that. I'm going to make this the first time that I handled this shit correctly and didn't let it hit me with the force of a tank! I am not going to be a little bitch about this. I'll fucking handle this.<br />
<br />I realize I'm putting a lot of emphasis on this, but that's because I desperately need to vent and my friends were all really busy and unable to come over, so you guys are my audience while I vent to you about my day. Sorry!<br />
<br />
Everything else was pretty... Normal. Woke up. Worked out (Leg day). Went to class. Came home. And yeah.<br />
<br />
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah!<br />
That's... My day.<br />
<br />
I mostly just wanted to vent about that.<br />
<br />
Yup.<br />
<br />
-Nolan<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ZSS5dEeMX64?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
My mantra for the night. </div>
<br />‡- Nolan -‡http://www.blogger.com/profile/08703210067352322480noreply@blogger.com0