Day 27: I don't know what to say

I really don't.
I don't know what to talk about, what to think about, what to say.

Today wasn't good.
At all. It was downright terrible.
I woke up way late, around 12 or 1:30 or so.
After that, I sat around my room for a bit, not doing much, trying to wake up.
After that, my dad mentioned he rented Act of Valor, so we watched that before I went to work.
I really liked it. It was a good movie.
That's all I really have to say about it.

After that, I headed to work.
Today, work was..........
Terrible. Horrible. Bad. Stressful. Boring.
All-around not a fun time.
I was just...
Meh.

Not good. I was really emotional and upset.
Not really sure why.

Okay, I lied. I know why. Just..
Reasons.
Things I don't need to share. Things that don't really belong on the internet for everyone on the earth to be able to read. I let out bits of my life on the internet for a reason!
Not sure what that reason is anymore. I guess it's just something natural for me to do every day.
I mean, it's not like I hate doing it or I look at it as a chore. I just.. It's natural now. It's just something that I can do to pass the time. I get to talk about parts of my life for no real reason.
It's kind of like a cyber therapist.
I mean, I don't talk about big deals and things that really bother me.
Like I said, there are various things that bother me, things that make me upset, and things that I want to get off my chest to.. Someone. Anyone.
Over the past few months, I've realized that there are only a few people that I can truly tell anything to, with no fear of judgment or anger. Obviously, Jess is one of those.
That's why I'm trying my hardest to leave my emotional comments as vague as possible.

I just.. I don't know. I'm tired of so much. It's easier to set me off now.
I can go from smiling and cheery to sobbing on a dime. And it can be little things.
Seeing a car, hearing a song, reading a word, seeing a picture.. Anything.
They all are affecting me more and more, worse and worse. I've been crying a lot more recently.
I started crying a few times during work today. I dropped my sign around 7 times.
I started tearing up each time, and started crying after a few more minutes.

I've been all over the place.
And it's getting exhausting.
I'm so so tired of wondering how I'll be feeling in half an hour, of not knowing what will set me off.
Of walking out the door, fully expecting to cry in public. Of trying to schedule my life around times when I know I'll be most vulnerable. I'm tired of it. Sick and tired.

I'm tired of crying. All the time. Of hiding my tears. Of sticking on a fake smile.
Of playing the happy person. I'm...
I don't know. I don't like this anymore. I'm exhausted all the time.
I'm ornery. I'm upset. I'm teary-eyed. I'm pissy. Emotional. Problematic.
I feel terrible that people have to put up with me when I'm like this.

I... I really don't know what else to say.
I've just.. Yeah. All over the place.
I'm not happy with myself.
About now, the only things that are keeping me going are being with Jess and seeing my friends.
That's all I look forward to. I only wake up so I can talk to Jess. She's the best thing in my life right now.
I miss her.
There are nights like this. You know. You've seen my blogs at certain times.

I don't know what to say.
I'm sitting in James' house while they play Minecraft.
I'm sitting in a corner and listening to music. I need to sleep after this.
And I just.. Well, I just got set off again. It's music.
It does this to me constantly. Memories flood my head and attack me.
This is who I am now. I'm easily set off, easily influenced by small things.

I'm tired of being awake.
I need rest.

Tomorrow's just another day.

I don't want to wake up and face it right now.
Even my dreams aren't safe anymore. I just..
I feel like I'm in stasis; in suspended animation. That I'm just breathing and going through the motions.
The times when I'm most alive are when I'm with Jess, holding her and laughing.
Or listening to music. following notes and patterns in my head, escaping life.
Or drumming, devoting my entire being to following a complex rhythm.
Or smiling and laughing with my friends, playing video games, laughing at stupid jokes that make no sense.

Those are the only times when I feel truly alive, like I can breathe again. Aside from those..
Emptiness. Blank. I don't know how to feel or what to say.

Well!

That was... A strange blog.
Again, that's what I get for rambling on when I'm emotional and tired.
Oh well.
If you read this.. I don't know. Give yourself a cookie ( :

-Nolan