Day 51: Definition of a man? One who punches a wolf in the face.

If you understand the title, good for you!
I watched The Grey today.
I really liked it.

And want to know something interesting?
It made me tear up.
NO movie that I can think of has ever done that.
Not even Titanic. Hmm.. I'll think about that as I write this. I don't think a movie has before, but I might just have forgotten.

Let's see.
Today.
Slept, sat around in my room, watched some Netflix, played some of the Dawn of War franchise, then played some Resident Evil.
I'm playing that right now, actually.

I've felt physically crappy all day. Still do.
I have a fever of 99.5, give or take a couple tenths of a degree.
I was feeling weak and achy, but that's because I hadn't eaten today.
So, I ate some food.
Feel less weak.  Still achy, but not too bad.


I'm hoping I feel better by tomorrow.. Jessi is coming over! Ah finally! I get to see my girl.
I've been missing her this week.
I really miss her. I can't wait to finally hold her again. My arms just.. Feel so much more empty when she's not in them.


Whoa. 
This is... Strange.
I mean, really really strange. As in, made me completely stop typing and look at my hands.
I just...

I don't know. I was hit in the face with a MASSIVE influx of.. Happiness?
Comfort? I don't even know.
But I'm smiling. And... Tearing up? I don't know. I can't tell.

All I know is.. I feel absolutely fantastic right now.
Like I'm on top of the world.
Like if something tried to take me down, I'd win.

I have no idea. I just smiled and laughed. I mean, actually laughed out loud.
But it wasn't the "oh that's funny" kind of laugh.
It was a carefree laugh.

This is strange!
Ahhhhh it's weird!

But.. I don't know. Smiling and laughing.
I like it.

I'm really feeling good right now.
I haven't been this happy since....

I guess since I first held Jessi, looked her in the eyes, and kissed her.
You know those butterflies you get in your stomach when you're holding someone you love?
I have miniature versions of those butterflies. I mean, not super-obvious ones, but.. They're there.


Something Jessi told me yesterday is really sticking with me right now. 
I guess.. Well, she actually makes me think I'm worth something.
Not many people can do that. But it's not just a temporary feeling..
I mean.. Ugh how do I explain it?


I have abnormally low self-esteem. Really bad self-esteem.
Reeeeeeally bad.
And there are moments when I feel like I'm not worth anything. Everyone has those moments.
But.. Ever since I found Jessi, those moments are less common.
I mean, a couple days ago, I looked in the mirror and genuinely liked what I saw.
Hasn't happened since then, but it happened.

She's the only one who can consistently feel good about myself.
I feel like.. I just feel on top of the world when I'm with her.
She makes me happy, to say the least.
She supports me when I can't support myself.
She reminds me I'm loved, even when I don't feel like I am.

Obviously, I'm far from the point where I'll feel like this all the time. I don't think I ever will.

But.. Hey.
I feel fantastic right now.
I mean, I have little bits in the back of my head that are reminding me of reasons I should be upset, but.. 
Hmm how do I explain it?Actually, I'll use The Grey!
Kind of makes sense. Or maybe I just really liked the movie. 
Because you get to see Liam Neeson owning some wolves. 

Those thoughts are like wolves right now, and I'm backed into a corner, using a torch to keep them at bay, while I bide my time to try and figure out some sort of defense.
It's night, so they're getting closer. More and more of them are creeping forward, more eyes shining in the black night.
I can see what they've done before. I can see how those thoughts have attacked me before, and it scares me, because I know eventually, they'll be at the point when they can bite and claw at me.

But..
I feel like it's just.. Turned into day. Bright day, with sunlight beaming down, showing me the wolves and how many there are, and.. They're not as big and terrifying as they were a minute before.

Wow.
That's.... A weird explanation. I feel.. Over-dramatic for saying it that way, but it's the best way I can think of describing it.
Yeah. I feel weird for saying it that way. But it's just such a perfect image in my head, that I had to explain it that way.

ANYWAY.
Today was alright.
Sleep, video games, resting, etc.
Dad came home and rented The Grey and The Darkest Hour.
They were both good.
The Grey was absolutely amazing, The Darkest Hour was alright.
The concept of the movie was better than the actual movie. It was an extremely unique setting, and an awesome concept of how the end of the world would play out with the way the aliens attacked.
So yeah.

It was pretty cool in it's own way.

I've been listening to Good Life by OneRepublic on repeat since I've started writing this.
It's making me smile.

Well, I can sort of feel my unhappy thoughts moving toward me again.
Hmph.
Come at me bro.

I'm feeling good, and I'll stay this way for... Well, for maybe a couple hours to be honest.
Hahaha.
But I'm working on it.

Hmm.
I'm going to play some Resident Evil for a bit.
I'll share 2 songs that can consistently make me happy!

Because it's a happy song!

So, the reason this song makes me happy is kind of obscure.

It's in Spanish, so I have almost NO idea what they're saying or even talking about.

BUT.

The reason it makes me happy is purely because it's from one of the Fast And Furious movies.

The newest one, to be precise. Fast Five.

The song starts at the end of the movie when Ludacris opens the big vault and TONNNNSSS of money comes pouring out.

It makes me happy because you get to see all of the team getting their happy moments.

Buying nice cars and whatnot. 

It's... I don't know. It's a happy song. At least, it sounds like it is.

For all I know, the lyrics could be something absolutely terrible.

But from the video, I'm pretty sure it's a happy-ish song.

So yeah.

I'm in a good mood. 

And I'm going to try and stay that way.

At least for the night.

Good night everyone!

Hopefully I feel better in the morning, without a fever.

And I get to see Jessi! Hooray!

Well.

I'm off to play video games.
Bye!

-Nolan

Day 50: Another early blog.

Kind of like yesterday, I'm going to blog now so I don't have to later. I have a feeling I'm going to be feeling upset later, so I'm going to blog now, while I'm still in a relatively good mood.

Uhh.
Slept a lot today. Feeling really really sick.
I hope it goes away by Sunday. I'm hanging out with Jessi on Sunday! Yay!
I'm excited for that. I miss her so much. Sigh.

Yeah..
That's all I really have to say.
The fact that my best friend called me a dick is still stinging. I haven't talked to her yet.
I just.. I don't know. It hurts. Really bad. I'll try to talk to her later.

Tonight... Hmmm how am I feeling.
Well, sick. Really sick. I feel like shit.
I also can't really identify what mood I'm in. I'm not upset, which is a first. But I have that itchy feeling in the back of my head that's telling me I'm going to be upset later. But if I am, I have people to talk to.
I have 2 in mind. Maybe 3. Or 4. I'm going to guess 2, though.

I really do feel numb right now.
Huh.
Weird.

I picked up the Dawn Of War II Full Pack for $15 today.
Steam has the entire Dawn of War franchise for 75% off.
Winning!
So I picked it up.
So did Aaron, and Ian.

I started it and found out..
Well, there's no buildings.
It's purely unit-focused.
Which, for an RTS, is very strange.
I suppose it's kind of fun.
Weird, but fun.
So Aaron, Ian and I are all going to try it out sometime this week, maybe figure out our favorite races and play styles. I'm pretty excited.
Geoff bought me Warhammer 40k: Space Marine.
So we're going to play some co-op WHENEVER HE GETS ONLINE.

Grumble.
He got off around 5 minutes after mine finished installing.

Well, I'm done for now.
I'm going to go play some more Dawn Of War. Maybe learn how to play it more.

I'm not unhappy.
I'm proud of myself. For not being unhappy.
Okay, a little unhappy. But I'm going to do something about it.
Like talk to my amazing girlfriend!
Or other friends!
Or watch something funny on Netflix!
Or play some video games, splatting headshots on zombies!
Or play some Forza, and race cars around a track.

I don't know what I'll do. Probably a little of everything.

I really hope I don't have a bad night.

Good night world!

-Nolan

Day 49: Earliest blog yet!

I'm blogging at 7 in the evening!
Quite strange.

I'm doing this now because recently...
Well, my emotions and the internet as a whole haven't been getting along.
Come to think of it, my emotions and ANYTHING haven't really been getting along.

I woke up yesterday to a text from a close friend saying "Wow, you're a dick."

Haven't talked to them since. It really really hurts, but.. Well I just don't really see the benefit in talking to anyone besides my girlfriend and a couple close guy friends.
Like I said.. My emotions haven't been getting along with anything lately.

Especially the internet.
Last night, I was up till 5 in the morning crying. I wrote a blog about it!
I vented the hell out of that blog. I was about to post it when I read something else, so..
I didn't post it. I deleted the whole thing.
It wasn't worth posting anyway. It was all a bunch of personal issues that I really only share with a couple people. Writing it was kind of therapeutic, at least for.. 15 minutes or so. Then blogging made it worse.
2-3 hours of writing, all deleted in under 10 seconds.
It was nice to get out those thoughts "on paper", so to speak.
Letting the thoughts out of my own head was nice.

SO. Like I was saying.
Blogging now to get it out of the way.
I'm going to Caleb's tonight! I'm excited to see him. I love that kid.

So I'm writing this now, because usually I'd blog at 2 in the morning, talking about my day.
But I know I'll be feeling upset around then, so I'm writing so I don't have to write when I'm upset.
I don't really have the urge to browse the web right now.

Facebook, the Blogging Dashboard, Memebase, and the Dwarf Fortress Wiki.
That's what I'm trying to limit myself to.
Facebook because.. It's Facebook.
Blogging Dashboard to get this blog out of the way.
Memebase because it'll make me smile sometimes.
Dwarf Fortress Wiki because.. Let's face it.. That game is confusing and complex.
I'm barely touching the surface. But I love that game.

So what's on my agenda for the night?

Finish this blog.
Play some Tribes: Ascend. I got it yesterday! Free to play!
Very fun and intense. It's one of the few games that I prefer the heavy classes over the light infantry.
Then some Forza.
Then some Dwarf Fortress.

Probably some Netflix in there too.

So...
Yeahhhh..
That's what's up.
Oh hey, my blog hit 5k views.

I haven't been paying attention to that counter for a long time.
Yay! 5 thousand page views.

That's my evening in a nutshell.
I think it's a good choice to write this blog right now.
I'm not a fan of the internet at the moment.
I'm happy to be done with it for now.

Well, off to play video games and make myself smile!
Then Caleb's house for more video games!

Also, I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold.
Love that band.

I miss The Rev though.
Sad day.


Alright.
Done for now.
See you all later!

-Nolan

I only recently found the "My body is ready" meme.. 

It makes me laugh very very hard. Not quite sure why.

So many people hate dolan..

I think it's funny in the:
"Wtf did I just read?" kind of funny.

Day 48: Happy 18th Jessi (:

Yup!
It's Jessi's birthday.

I'm so happy I was able to spend it with her.
I'm glad I was able to spend a big event with her (:

Yeah..
Well now I'm playing video games with my buds.

Good night.

-Nolan

Day 47: Application complete!

I finally got off my lazy ass and turned in my application to Barnes & Noble.
I would kill to work there! Working around books and music, talking to people about books..
I really really really hope I get a job.
I need a new job.

I bought Jessi her second half of her present! 3 big bottles of Black Bing Cherry Cider from the Cherry Store.
I was going to drive up to... Wherever the store is. Up by Estes. My car can run on the interstate for maybe... 3 miles. Then I think it would just explode. So I was going to take my mom's car anyway.

But anyway.
It was for sale at Whole Foods, so I went there instead! Saved money.

I watched the new Captain America, then the new Underworld movie with my dad tonight.

HAH! I just remembered an idea for a character I was trying to remember earlier. Excellent.
This is where I would use my artistic talent.

Get it?
It's a meme.
The tagline is: If I HAD one!
In this case, it'd be..
If only I HAD ANY!

It's funny.

Anyway.
I'm watching Black Blood Brothers. It's an anime I've started, but stopped watching.
So I'm starting it again.

ACTUALLY.
I'm going to watch the Devil May Cry anime instead. Love that one.
NOOOOOOOO they took is off Netflix. Dammit.
Guess I'll have to get it.. Somewhere.. Else.

I'm not in a happy mood!
UGH.

I'm going to play Dwarf Fortress.
Haha. It's funny because that game will make 5 straight hours of work and micromanaging into a massive explosion of rubble in the space of... Well, less than 30 seconds.
You think I'm kidding? No, I'm dead serious.
One game, I put in upwards of 16 hours into a single fortress.
(In Dwarf Fortress, 16 hours is a long time).

It all exploded in less than 30 seconds.
Why?
A dwarf tripped over and got blood on a statue I built.
It upset the maker of the statue, so he clubbed the other guy to death with a mug.
At which point, the dead guy's family got mad and attacked the statue maker.
When the statue maker's wife got involved.

Was that all?
Nope.
Goblin invasion!
One got in and stole one of the dwarven children.
So that family opened the gates and ran at the horde.
So the horde kind of invaded. And murdered everything.

Yes, the game is that detailed.
It's actually really really really complex. It calculates live water pressure, air pressure, and if one of your 200 dwarves gets hit by an arrow, you can zoom in on the dwarf and find out which limb was punctured, how much it's bleeding, how many dermal layers the arrow penetrated, and if it hit any organs.
It's detailed.
The learning curve is disturbingly steep.

Give it a try.
Here's a flow chart of how to play the game!

True story.
And this comic is very true as well.



Anyway.
I'm not feeling very happy.

I'm going to do other stuff to make myself smile a bit more.
Like memes. And fun people on Facebook.

And forcing dwarves to cut a hole into the rock so I can make fancy mugs to sell to elves.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Bye bye everyone.

-Nolan

Day 46: Kinda boring.

Today, I sat around.
Finished.... 1, 2, 3, 4... Yes, 4. I finished 4 of the 1.5 hour races on Forza. I'm going to do the A class one in a bit. Been trying to get better at livery work.
I'm getting frustrated. But I suppose that's because I'm learning.
So.. Yay learning.

This one was for an endurance race. Design purely for the giggles.

This one I'm quite proud of. Simplistic, but it looks pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Yeah... That's my day.
Too sick to go get Jessi's present, so I'm doing that tomorrow.

Good night.

-Nolan

Day 45: Not sure about this one

Today was......
Interesting.
Depressing.

Slept most of the day.
So now I'm not tired at all. Go figure.

I was... I was unhappy all day. Lots of reasons.
I was hit by a fact today.. 7.5 months.
Longest 7.5 months of my life. Very rough. But I'm still here, right?
So I'm.. I have mixed feelings about that fact.
Happy that I made it, but.. Unhappy that it's hitting me now.

You know?

Anyway.
Played a few games today, settled on Forza.
I'm at the point where I can start doing long-distance races that could take more than an hour to complete.
I'll probably do one of those right now. I'm going from the lowest class to the highest.
So I'm starting with Class F. Driving a 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse GTS 138.99 kilometers.
I'm going to go do that now.

I'm feeling much better than I did earlier.
Not exactly sure why. I guess I just am.
Oh well!

I have the next 3 days planned out!
Tomorrow, I'm going to go buy Jessi's second half of her present.
Tuesday, I'm going to lunch with a friend.
Wednesday is her birthday party! Yay!

Night night folks.

-Nolan

*SECRET ACHIEVEMENT*

After a long time, I still couldn't find a website or software that:
1. Worked correctly.
2. Did what I wanted it to.
3. Created a .gif with the quality I wanted it to be.

So until I find a better way, here's my own .gif I created, in okay-ish quality.

I think it's kind of funny.
(:

Day 44: There used to be a long post here...

I was going to say "But then I took an arrow to the knee", but that's old and not funny anymore.

Uh.
About 9 pm, I wrote a long blog. I mean long.
I was planning on writing it and being done with it. But as you can see, that didn't really happen.
I think I didn't post it because it revealed a little too much about my thought patterns and how I've been feeling.
Things that I don't really want to share, but I felt like I had to write.
So obviously it's not here.

But oh well.

Hmmm how am I feeling?
Still sick. Feel like shit actually.
Mentally and emotionally, I'm bogged down. Carrying some baggage.
Big baggage. But I've been talking to a couple people that have really helped me.
I need to do something fun tonight.

I've been too frustrated to play any good video games.
Maybe I need to play something easy and entertaining. Maybe Minecraft.
Or something else. I don't know.
I'll play some Forza later.
I'm so... I don't know. Bored? More than bored. Apathetic?
Yeah. I think apathetic.

Well.
I'm off to play video games and talk to my wonderful girlfriend. It's her birthday on Wednesday.
We've been together for 2 months on Tuesday.. Happy to say, it's my longest official relationship.
Pretty good feeling.

I need to relax!
Ugh.
Netflix and fun games, here I come.
Then sleep.
I want to sleep. But I'm afraid of what I might dream.
Nothing scary, but.. My dreams have been emotionally erratic for the past couple days.
Why am I mentioning this? I don't know. Too tired to really focus.

Night night.

-Nolan

Day 43: Eh.

Today wasn't necessarily good or bad.
It had a few down parts, but it wasn't terrible.

The only thing worth mentioning is I was having a bad night, so Jessi and I went to Perkins.
I got a shake. She picked up a slice of cherry pie for her dad.

It was fun.
Bad service.
But fun.

I'm at Cameron's for the night.
Good night!

-Nolan

Day 42: Cars, Blu-Ray, Knowing that feel, bro.

Today was.. Not really eventful, but stuff happened.
If that makes any sense.

Well, time to explain the title.

1. Cars.

So in case you haven't noticed, I've been playing Forza Motorsport 3 quite a bit.
Recently, I've been reflecting on how my tastes have changed. Music, movies, games, friends, etc.
Especially in music and video games.

I think almost... Under a year ago, I only played arcade-y racing games. Need For Speed, Burnout, Shift, etc.
If I tried a demo for a racing game that actually required you to use the brakes, I shot it down and didn't even try it.
I guess my taste has changed because of GRID. It's an arcade-y racing game, but it has realistic elements to it. It kind of bridged the gap between my arcade-style tastes and the world of racing simulators.

But anyway.
So yeah. I'm addicted to realistic racing games. Need For Speed: Shift, Need For Speed: Pro Street, Forza Motorsport, Gran Turismo... I like them more.
I think it's interesting that Forza brings out a little personality I didn't know I had.

So this is cheesy, because it's a video game. So don't judge me on this. But.. It allows me to be creative.
Not just in visual terms. But.. I mean.
Ugh.

So there are different classes in cars, right? F, E, D, C, B, A, S, R3, R2, R1?
(At least that's how most video games classify them).

Again, don't judge. But there are tournaments that limit you to a car class.
Today, I tried a few that required you to stay in the Performance Index that contains the E class.
But it gives you the option of upgrading and customizing the car in every performance aspect.
Engine block, pistons, intake manifold, exhaust, turbo kit, tires, brakes, springs, weight reduction, spring dampeners, roll cage, brake differentials, engine headers, compression... Everything. (Not ABSOLUTELY everything possible, but quite a bit).

So I took some E class cars, judged the tournament environment and track structure, and customized them for the races. More uphill races meant weight reduction and more horsepower. Flat races meant more ride stability and a focus on acceleration. I mean.. I got into it. I even tuned the aspects I could while keeping the car an E class.
I know that this is just a video game, but the idea of taking a cheaper car and customizing it into something better really REALLY intrigues me. I want to work on cars. I'd rather spend the effort, actually putting in blood, sweat, and tears into installing and testing parts in a car.
I really want to do that.

That's me talking about a bunch of 0's and 1's, and how excited I am about them.

2. Blu-Ray.

So I asked my dad to get some movies in Blu-Ray because my laptop can play them!
Well it got more complicated. First I installed new codecs, but they didn't work.
Then I tried a program, but I had to create a new dynamic AACS library for it to work. That kind of worked, then I needed to open a new port for the Blu-Ray player to go online and access MRL files specific for the movie, which I DID, but it didn't work. So I went through program after program, forum after forum, trying to get it working.
Eventually, I *ahem* obtained a program to run Blu-Ray discs, which worked!
So we watched the new Sherlock Holmes and John Carter on our HD tv.
It was HD, but it really was only obvious in the brighter scenes. But still. It was in HD.
It was pretty.

3. Knowing that feel, bro.

My emotions are CRAZY all the time. You know?
Yes, you do. Because you're a human being.
I'm assuming you are at least. If you're not, why the hell are you spending the time on a teenager's blog?
Unless you're trying to better understand our race so you can masquerade as a teenager and work your way into our government to create a nuclear war, destroy the world, and take all our Twinky's for yourself!

I'm watching you.

Anyway.
Uh.. Right.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I suppose I'm still working through it all. But I AM working through it. 
That's the key. Slow and steady wins the race. Unless it's a quickdraw situation. Then you probably want to have your gun out before the other person has theirs out.

I'm tired. I had to google "their's vs theirs".
Wtf brain? Seriously. Get your head on straight.


ANYWAY. Yeah. I'm working through a lot. But... Well, I have the best support I could have.
Friends.
And.. Well, my girlfriend kinda helps. You know. A little.
Jessi kind of helps a lot. Just... Just a bit. Un poquito.

I could go on for pages and pages of the things I'm working through, but needless to say, it doesn't all belong on a blog for the world to see.
I think I've mentioned this before, but the phrase "needless to say" doesn't make sense, considering it's usually followed by the phrase that is supposedly "needless to say".
Yeah.

So I'm working through a lot, but I have the best support I could ever ask for.
Jessi really supports me in every way, and I don't think I could ask for a better friend, and girlfriend wrapped into one.

So thanks Jessi, for everything ( :
I ordered the first half of your birthday present!

I'm off to play some Forza then head to sleep.

Good night world! I shall contact you later.
Also, I'm still sick.
It sucks. Achy and crappy. But hopefully it'll go away soon.

-Nolan

*NOTE*
I have 241 GIFs, and I think I need some more. Time to visit the GIF section of Memebase and load up!
*/NOTE*

Dat 41: Untitled

Today's blog is untitled!
In case you couldn't tell.

No particular reason, really.

Just.. No title ideas.

I'm sick.
And it's not very nice. Being sick during the summer.
Achy, achy, stomach upset, aches, dizzy... All that fun stuff!

I woke up at 2:30 today.
Latest I've ever slept.
I ended up sitting in my room most of the day (shocker, right?).
I made a new Trials Evolution track today. I've made 2. One yesterday, one today.
I'm quite proud of the second one.
I shared it on the track-making community, and I'm very excited to see what people think of it.

I think I did pretty well.
I think track making really is dependent on your actual skill. As such, I made an 'extreme' level difficulty race!
Yay! I'm good at something!
Kind of.

So yeah.

I also decided to play some Forza again today.
Just unlocked this car. 2005 TVR Sagaris.

Ooooh the front is pretty cool looking! The car looks awesome until....

Ewwww what the hell happened to the back? It looks nasty.

Not my favorite car.

Now THAT.. THAT is a pretty car.
My personal favorite. I love it.

Anyway.

I can't wait to see Jessi again. Everything seems perfect and comfortable when I'm with her. 
I don't have to worry about the future or anything. The whole world is her and I holding each other.


It's when I'm at my best.

I'm off to race that TVR abomination, because it's the only UK model car that I have that DOESN'T suck. 
Then I get to race in an R3 rank tournament! Yay Nolan. Getting excited over a bunch of 0's and 1's. 



-Nolan 

Day 40: Good night!

I'm exhausted.
And sick.

I'm going to sleep.

Sweet dreams everyone.

-Nolan

Day 39: 100 degrees? So not cool.

Yeah.. I went to work around 1ish, after I went to my therapist's appointment.
Therapy was okay today. Talked about lots of things that I suppose were bothering me.

Anyway.
Yeah, it was... 100 degrees or so. And I was jumping around and dancing. I made it one hour.
A kind woman and her kids walked up and said "It's so hot out here, and we felt terrible! So we bought you this milkshake!"
It made my day. It was so kind of them. It was nice.

Then I went home and swam 1 ascending 100 and 1 descending 100.
Only about 500 yards, but it was still enough to make me move.

Came home, sat around.
Jessi came over, and we watched some Whitest Kids U' Know, then the movie 50/50 (I LOVED it), then some Steve Byrnes, then sat around and watched some American Dad.

I'm really not in the mood to talk about what's on my mind, though.
Tonight I just... I don't feel like thinking.
So I'm going to drink tons of Jones soda, watch some new anime, and play some video games until I pass out.

-Nolan

Day 38: Caleb's house!

Today was a lot of sitting around.
I went out and bought some Jones' soda along with Boulder Chips, because I was anticipating a night at home, alone, playing Skyrim.
Caleb texted me around 9:30, saying to come over!

So I hauled ass over here.
I also forgot my Jones' soda.

Caleb, Christine, and I went to King Soopers, and I bought some more!
I'm broke for a week or two, but I REALLY wanted some.
I also found a new Hot Wheels I didn't have yet!

Honda S2000!
I've seen a couple in Fort Collins.
I like them.
They're cute little cars!
They remind me of the RX-8.
Or a Miata.
A little of both.

So yeah.

I'm at his house at the moment.

I get to see Jessi tomorrow! Yay!
I'm very very excited about that.

Good night everybody!

-Nolan

Day 37: Lethargic.

I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.

Not too great.
I thought today was going to be great, but.... I don't know.
It just seemed to.... Pass by. Quickly.

I really am not in the mood to blog.
I'm not feeling very happy.
It's bothering me. I want to feel happier, but I have no idea what I should do so I can.

I'm hoping video games will help.
Maybe some music as well.
Well, whatever I'm feeling, It'll most likely go away within an hour.

At least I hope it will.

Know what sounds good? Hookah.
Jessi and Meghan introduced me to it, and I really want some right now!
When I have money, I think I'm going to buy a miniature hookah.
It'd be fun to smoke some fun flavored stuff once in a while.

Hmm. I'll look into that.

I'm going to Caleb's house tomorrow! Yay!
Then I get to see Jessi on Monday! Yay!

Good night.

-Nolan

Day 36: Video games!

Today, I went to Brayden's house.
Right now, me, Aaron, Cameron, and Ian are all playing video games.
We've been playing Killing Floor, and we now moved to Age of Empires 2!

I get to see Jessi on Monday!!
I'm excited.
I bought her a bedazzled lighter.

That Cameron super-charged.

It's pimp.

She likes it!
Yay.

The flame is way bigger than the picture looks.
Pretty awesome.

Night night!
I left my medication at home..... So I'm going to go home instead of sleeping here.
Sometime soon.

-Nolan

Day 35: Fus... Ro.... DAHHHHHHHHHH!

Yesterday, I played Forza. Today, I wandered around the world of Skyrim, Fus-Ro-Dah-ing ALL the things.

I made a new set of Marksman armor today.
I now do +109% more damage when I wear that set. And I barely even have put in archery perks.
So I'm working on that.

I saw Jessi today.. It was great. We watched Project X.
About crazy kids and a party.

It was alright.
I'm.. I don't know. I'm feeling good recently, and it's all thanks to Jessi.
She's so supportive.
I swear.. I'm at my best when I'm with her. She brings out the best in me.
And manages to make me smile even if I'm feeling like shit.
She's good like that ( :
I'm a little iffy right now because... Well, Jessi asked why I started blogging, so I showed her the first couple posts on this blog.

It made me a little upset. For a number of reasons.

SO.
I'm going to read this blog right here.
Because I want to re-read something that I REALLY got into writing!
It'll make me smile.

And plus, Skyrim's main theme has been playing since I started writing this post.
It makes me feel like I'm about to do something phenomenal.

So yeah.

Bye!

-Nolan

Day 34: Spring dampeners, tire pressure, brake pressure, gear differentials!

As usual, the title says it all!
I've been playing Forza Motorsport 3 all day.
I mean.. All. Day.

I didn't notice until around 5 that.. I'd been playing it since I woke up.
I mean, I set up a NMHCMM survival on Throne Room and started playing Forza...
I'm going to do that again.
Might as well play something and earn some extra mana.

It sounds cheesy, but I'm actually learning from a video game.
There's a limit on how realistic a racing game can be, and I think Forza is up there.
It's a simulator. Obviously, it can't compare to a real car and different factors, but at its core, it's a simulator.
It gives a very in-depth view on tuning! I'm actually learning a bit about how different systems in a car affect the car's performance.

One of my dad's friends runs a shop that works with motors. Lawnmower engines to full vehicle engines.
He's looking for someone to "tutor" and my dad mentioned me. So... Hopefully I get that job.

I'm actually quite proud of the visuals I've done in this game. The vinyls look pretty cool.
In Need For Speed: Carbon, the top-tier vehicle I chose was the Lamborghini Murcielago LP640.
I just bought that in Forza, so as a tribute to my car in NFS, I gave it a black and green vinyl set.
Although this one has around 30 decals per side, along with some gradient decals I added.

I think it looks cool. I mean, it's overboard, but it still looks pretty.

I think the first thing I buy when I pay off my laptop will be an HD monitor for my desk. I'll probably take off the top half of the desk so I can have more room.
Then I'm going to build a custom gaming computer!
Cameron is going to help me with that.

I think I'm at my most relaxed state when I'm with Jessi.
Aside from that, anything with cars really helps me focus and think of things that.. Don't make me upset.
So playing this game is actually really.. Almost therapeutic.

Well.. That's my blog for now.

I'm going to set up another survival and play some Forza!

Night night.

-Nolan

Day 33: Hmmmm.

Today was.. I really don't know.
I went to work, and I actually.... Danced around and smiled.

Basically, I either smile and dance, or get fired.
I haven't received any feedback after sign holding for a year, so....
They want me to get more attention.

Back to "dancing!"
I can't actually dance. But I can be enthusiastic!
I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.

I know I'm feeling 2 things..
1. I feel sick. Achy. Upset stomach. Headache.
2. I really miss Jessi.
I don't know what it is, but... I really miss her.
So much.

Well. Aside from that.
I haven't been playing Dungeon Defenders. Been playing Mount and Blade.
I just got my main force massacred because there was an error and it kept sending them into a large force without giving me the option of retreating...
So I'm starting over from scratch.

Going around, recruiting.. Etc.
Good news is, I didn't lose my money or equipment.
This game is really really fun! I love it.
I got the Talay expansion for Dungeon Defenders, but I haven't played it really.
I'll play it later.

Oh! I picked up Forza Motorsport 3 for 4.95 yesterday.
The visual customization is really fun.
Here's a few cars I've designed!

David told me to make a "Captain Planet car".. So I gave it my best shot!

Just lots of tribal shapes. 

This one I'm proud of. Both sides look cool like that. 

The visuals are pre-loaded with a bunch of shapes.

Yup.

I'm going to go play Mount and Blade, watch Thor, and talk to Jessi.

Good night.

-Nolan

Day 32: Hmph.

Today was....
All over the place

The first half was...
Terrible. Really, really, really bad.
It was... Atrocious. It was a bad morning. I'll leave it at that.

The ending is good!
Gaming and such.

Yup.

Day 31: I'm officially a matchmaker!

Today was pretty good!
Woke up, sat around the house, got ready, saw Jessi and Meghan, saw Dark Shadows with Jessi, then stayed home and did nothing!

I spent about 45 minutes shaving this morning.
Jessi likes touching my face if it's smooth, so I shaved my face in every direction.
My face is VERY soft. I love touching my own face.
Hahaha.

Went to Old Town with Jessi and Meghan today. We were hanging out and waiting for Hunter to get there!
Meghan and Hunter hadn't officially met until today, so Meghan was a little nervous.
I also got to hold two purses and two iced teas in Old Town Square while waiting for them.
I probably looked pretty sexy out there.

Hunter showed up very late. He was sorry he was late, which is good! But he was there basically as me and Jessi were leaving.
Meghan and Hunter were... Awkward.
I maintain the MOST awkward moment in my entire life was meeting Jessi for the first time.
15 minutes of.... Sitting in my car. Small talk was TERRIBLE.
But.. Well, I guess things worked out, considering we're... You know.. Dating.

Dark Shadows was.. Well, it was disappointing and there were little things that were annoying.
I think it was an okay movie, Jessi absolutely hated it.
Although when it comes to movies, we're often on opposite sides. It's not like we argue or anything.
That'd be petty. But we do disagree on things. But.. It's not major at all.

"Do you want to watch this?"
"Eh I didn't like it."
"How about this?"
".... Not really."
"This?"
"OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS MOVIE!"

That's often how it goes.
Tonight, we were both in.. Interesting moods. So it took us a while to pick something because neither of us wanted to watch other stuff. We eventually picked Family Guy and watched it on and off while we talked.

Hunter asked Meghan out, and.. It looks like they're dating.
Woo!
I feel so fancy for putting them together.
They really liked each other before they met, but I guess they really hit it off.
Yay!

I'm tired.
I'm going to bed now.

Kind of.
Joke's on you!
I'm going to play Mount and Blade for a bit first.

Sigh.
I miss Jessi already.
It's almost like she's my girlfriend.

I'm feeling meme-y today.
In case you didn't figure that out.

I'm done now!
I'm going to go roam the land and murder bandits in the hopes that I get some free fish.

-Nolan

Day 30: Meh.

Today, again, was meh.
It wasn't bad though, which is a first for a while.

I woke up at Cameron's around... 12? 11? Not sure.
But I stayed there until 3 or so. It was nice just staying there and.. Being around him.
He cheers me up so quickly. It was fun.

Headed home and.. Well I've been in here since then.
In my room.
Alone.

In the sweltering summer heat that I REALLY didn't expect.
I had to put a sheet over my leather chair because it was so ridiculously uncomfortable.
Stupid leather.

I've realized my life is now.. Boring. At least for the past few days.
Chilling in my room playing video games every day.. It's fun!
But It's kind of pathetic. I need to get out of the house more often.
Seriously.
Or go back to boxing. And Tai Chi. And Muay Thai. And swimming.

I think I'll try to do that.

Been playing lots of Dungeon Defenders. I'm addicted. What can I say.
I also picked up 4 games for 8.74 on Steam today. Which leaves me... 12 dollars.
I'll buy the new expansion for Dungeon Defenders. You get a new map and you can get a pet rock!
And it's 1.99. Why not.

I really am addicted.
I think I'm addicted more to Steam. THOSE DEALS ARE OUTRAGEOUS.
But you really get your money's worth.

Holy shit.
What the....
What.
I have 499 hours on Dungeon Defenders.
HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN.
Well I'm pretty sure over a hundred.. Or maybe over 200 of those are completely afk.
Leaving it on overnight. Or leaving it on most of the day?
Lots of that is afk. I'm certain.
But still.

Anyway.
Yeah I'm feeling okay.
I'm so excited for tomorrow!
I'm going with Jessi, Meghan, and Meghan's male interest to the Taste of Fort Collins!
Not gonna buy any of that overpriced stuff though.

I totally hooked up Meghan with that guy! Hunter!
I felt special! I feel like a fancy matchmaker.
Well not really. But I feel like I accomplished something. They like each other.

Yay.

One of Jessi's favorite things about me is that I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to comment on other guys' attractiveness! I feel weird for admitting there's something I like about myself.
Huh.

Don't get used to it!

Well I'm exceptionally excited to see Jessi tomorrow.
Very very very excited.
I'm in need of some.. Company from her.
Not like that.

You know what I mean.
I've been under some emotional shit recently, and I haven't had anyone to really hold onto.
I'm excited.

Yeah.
I don't really want to blog anymore right now.
I mean tonight! I like blogging. I really do. It gives me somewhere to just.. Spit out random thoughts.

I'm still not feeling very happy actually.
Sigh.

Talking to Jessi is helping me smile though.
Hooray!

I'm off now.
I'm gonna do something else to keep myself occupied until I want to pass out.

Day 29: I wrote a big story! Then deleted

The title basically says it all.
More and more I... Well, I don't want to talk about anything that's going on in my head.
I've showed people the inside of my heart, the inside of my mind. And it's often not a pretty thing.

I only have a few people that I really let into my heart anymore.
Obviously Jessi. But I don't really feel like naming off the others. Not because I want to protect their identities or anything, but just because it'd take up time.

I'm blogging extremely early tonight, in case you couldn't tell.
This is the first blog I've written before 10. Well, first one in a while I guess.

Okay...
I wrote about 2 pages worth of stuff in this blog.
I deleted it all.
It was stuff I don't need to say.
It was basically just me talking about why I've been having a bad day.
An extremely bad day, to say the least.

There were some things I said that... Well I guess it's stuff that doesn't belong on a blog.
I basically only shared it with Jessi. Not basically... Only her.
Because she's the only one that I need to share it with.

I hope you're reading this Jessi! Cause you're amazing. Thank you for listening.
You put up with my shit like no one else. Thank you ( :

Hmm I think that's it for now.
I'm at Cameron's for the night. I needed to get out of the house.
Tonight should be fun.
I hope it'll help me At least until I can see Jessi again.

Good night.

-Nolan

Day 28: Blurgh

I'm sick.

99% sure.
Stomach cramps all day.
Can barely eat.
Sore.
Tired.
Upset.

Yeah..
I'm sick.

Oh well.
That's all I got for the night.

-Nolan

Day 27: I don't know what to say

I really don't.
I don't know what to talk about, what to think about, what to say.

Today wasn't good.
At all. It was downright terrible.
I woke up way late, around 12 or 1:30 or so.
After that, I sat around my room for a bit, not doing much, trying to wake up.
After that, my dad mentioned he rented Act of Valor, so we watched that before I went to work.
I really liked it. It was a good movie.
That's all I really have to say about it.

After that, I headed to work.
Today, work was..........
Terrible. Horrible. Bad. Stressful. Boring.
All-around not a fun time.
I was just...
Meh.

Not good. I was really emotional and upset.
Not really sure why.

Okay, I lied. I know why. Just..
Reasons.
Things I don't need to share. Things that don't really belong on the internet for everyone on the earth to be able to read. I let out bits of my life on the internet for a reason!
Not sure what that reason is anymore. I guess it's just something natural for me to do every day.
I mean, it's not like I hate doing it or I look at it as a chore. I just.. It's natural now. It's just something that I can do to pass the time. I get to talk about parts of my life for no real reason.
It's kind of like a cyber therapist.
I mean, I don't talk about big deals and things that really bother me.
Like I said, there are various things that bother me, things that make me upset, and things that I want to get off my chest to.. Someone. Anyone.
Over the past few months, I've realized that there are only a few people that I can truly tell anything to, with no fear of judgment or anger. Obviously, Jess is one of those.
That's why I'm trying my hardest to leave my emotional comments as vague as possible.

I just.. I don't know. I'm tired of so much. It's easier to set me off now.
I can go from smiling and cheery to sobbing on a dime. And it can be little things.
Seeing a car, hearing a song, reading a word, seeing a picture.. Anything.
They all are affecting me more and more, worse and worse. I've been crying a lot more recently.
I started crying a few times during work today. I dropped my sign around 7 times.
I started tearing up each time, and started crying after a few more minutes.

I've been all over the place.
And it's getting exhausting.
I'm so so tired of wondering how I'll be feeling in half an hour, of not knowing what will set me off.
Of walking out the door, fully expecting to cry in public. Of trying to schedule my life around times when I know I'll be most vulnerable. I'm tired of it. Sick and tired.

I'm tired of crying. All the time. Of hiding my tears. Of sticking on a fake smile.
Of playing the happy person. I'm...
I don't know. I don't like this anymore. I'm exhausted all the time.
I'm ornery. I'm upset. I'm teary-eyed. I'm pissy. Emotional. Problematic.
I feel terrible that people have to put up with me when I'm like this.

I... I really don't know what else to say.
I've just.. Yeah. All over the place.
I'm not happy with myself.
About now, the only things that are keeping me going are being with Jess and seeing my friends.
That's all I look forward to. I only wake up so I can talk to Jess. She's the best thing in my life right now.
I miss her.
There are nights like this. You know. You've seen my blogs at certain times.

I don't know what to say.
I'm sitting in James' house while they play Minecraft.
I'm sitting in a corner and listening to music. I need to sleep after this.
And I just.. Well, I just got set off again. It's music.
It does this to me constantly. Memories flood my head and attack me.
This is who I am now. I'm easily set off, easily influenced by small things.

I'm tired of being awake.
I need rest.

Tomorrow's just another day.

I don't want to wake up and face it right now.
Even my dreams aren't safe anymore. I just..
I feel like I'm in stasis; in suspended animation. That I'm just breathing and going through the motions.
The times when I'm most alive are when I'm with Jess, holding her and laughing.
Or listening to music. following notes and patterns in my head, escaping life.
Or drumming, devoting my entire being to following a complex rhythm.
Or smiling and laughing with my friends, playing video games, laughing at stupid jokes that make no sense.

Those are the only times when I feel truly alive, like I can breathe again. Aside from those..
Emptiness. Blank. I don't know how to feel or what to say.

Well!

That was... A strange blog.
Again, that's what I get for rambling on when I'm emotional and tired.
Oh well.
If you read this.. I don't know. Give yourself a cookie ( :

-Nolan

Day 26: Not quite sure today

Today had it's ups and downs I suppose.
Mostly downs.

But Jess came over around 8!
That made things much better.
She cheers me up.

So much.

Yup.

That's my day.

Good night.

-Nolan

Day 25: Roflstomp

Today was.... Eh.
I'm not sure how today was.

My mood has been all over the place recently.
Along with my mind.

Woke up, came upstairs, stayed in my room all day.
I suppose I should have gone swimming like my mom suggested.

I didn't go to work today either.
I had no motivation.
None.
Zilch.
Nada.

About halfway through the day, I just...
I don't know.
I wasn't happy at all.
I mean, I sat and stared at my computer.
I had Gurren Lagann on my other laptop going, but.. I was barely watching it.
I had no motivation to play any video games.

That's so weird!
I mean, I usually play games to calm down and relax. But I just... I couldn't pick a game.
I had no interest in anything.
I just sat there feeling miserable. It was for a lot of reasons I guess.
Kind of like this morning at 5 am, I was getting assaulted and overrun by memories I didn't want to remember.
And I talked to some friends, but.. It made it worse.
I ended up thinking about, remembering, and realizing things that should have just.. Stayed somewhere else.
Things I didn't want to realize.

It wasn't good, to say the least.
But talking to Jess helped.
She made me smile.
I swear... That girl makes me smile like no one else.
Most of the time, when I put in a smiley face in a text, I'm actually smiling.
Well, some of the time. Not always. But often.

She really makes me happy beyond belief. I don't deserve her.
But... I got her. Yay!
Go me.

So yeah.
Oh, title of the blog. Right.
I played Dawn Of War a few times online today.
Each time, I got....
Roflstomped.
I have a great mid-game, but my endgame flatlines unless I have an ally who can spam infantry for me while I build up.
Oh well. Time to stop playing Necron and go back to trying out Chaos.

I suppose that's it for now.
I'm going to go find something to do.

-Nolan

Secret Bloop- Thoughts From Half-Asleep Nolan

Title basically says it all.
I'm half-asleep.

I decided to stay awake and start a NMHC survival on Dungeon Defenders with Shaun, James, and Caleb.
Smart me, I took my Seroquel at 3.
And then actually made an effort to stay awake.

Silly Nolan.
I wanted to pull an all-nighter, but I knew I actually wouldn't.

Dunno why I torture myself like that.

Oh well.
Live and learn.

Hmmm.
Thoughts.

Well, not much is in my head right now.
I'm close to falling asleep.
I'm listening to Owl City to relax.
Not always smart, considering I have a multitude of memories associated with lots of his songs.
They're happy memories but....

Things I shouldn't be focusing on.;
They hurt my heart to think about.
But.... I still occasionally think about it.

You know?
Those nights where you're tired of hiding it all, and you just let yourself dwell in the past and think about all those memories that you try to avoid thinking about.
I have those nights a lot.
But.. I don't know. Sometimes they help because it lets out emotions that normally wouldn't get out.

Like right now.
I'm sitting, half-asleep, blogging, and listening to Owl City.
Aaron's alarm goes off in... 15 minutes or so.
And rather than sleep then get woken up, I'm just trying to stay awake long enough to make it past the alarm.

Why am I so emotional?
Probably because I'm exhausted.
And the fact that I'm listening to Rainbow Veins, Chasing Cars, Promise, and The Only Exception isn't helping either.
Not very smart of me.
But it's probably best to let these emotions out a little bit at a time.

Sigh.
I'm tired of emotions right now.
Hell, I'm tired of them most of the time.

They're just...
I don't know. Mine are just too scattered and random to truly enjoy.

And there goes the tears.
Probably a sign to change the song.
But I'm too lazy to even think of a different song to listen to.

Let's put it on shuffle... Hang on...

Oh.
Really?
Really iPod?
Can't Stand It by Nevershoutnever?

You cheeky bastard.
Not very nice of you.
Jerk.

I'm talking to my electronic device that plays music I choose to listen to..
Hehe.

Weird.
I'm curled up on the chair in my basement, listening to my iPod, typing, and sitting with Unicorn the Zebra-Cat-Dog-Cow-Fish Garcia-Nerger.
That's the full name of Unicorn.

That's right, I'm in a room full of college guys, cuddling with a stuffed Zebra and crying.
Heh.

What a man.

Oh well.

I'm going to go to sleep now.
I'm tired of being awake and.. Feeling feelings.
You know?
Yeah.
It's one of those special moods that's so.. Vivid.
Definitely unique.

Alright, now I'm actually going to sleep.
Hopefully I'll wake up a little more cheery.
Not really in the mood to cry anymore, so I'm going to rest.
Hopefully.

God, I miss Jess.
Really badly.
It's just one of those nights.
Mornings?

It's just one of those mornings.
Alright, I really do need to sleep right now.

As soon as these fricking memories stop invading and mobbing my head.
Ugh.
I wish I didn't have to deal with this right now.

I'm sick and tired of constantly being bombarded by thoughts and memories that are better left un-thought of.
Things that should stay buried.
Things I shouldn't have to remember.
Things that lay dormant, waiting to attack me when I'm at my worst.

I just..
I'm tired of it.
I wish my memories would.. Stop affecting me like this.
I have memories, and I don't really want them to leave, just...
Be dampened by something. Like softening the blow.
So that it wouldn't rip me to shreds and break down barriers I try to build up.

Well, Aaron's alarm went off.
Guess that's my cue.
I need to be up in 4 hours to remind Caleb to get up.
Then I'll get a couple hours of sleep.

Alright.

Good night.

...

Ugh. Emotions and memories.

Screw you.
>.<

-Nolan

Also, have a good day everybody!
It's a... Wonderful day?
I'm not sure if it or not.
Maybe it will be.
iPod says it might be in the 90's today.

Gah.
Why do I have to be so emotionally unstable.
Hopefully curling up with Unicorn will help me cheer up.

Good night for real now.

-Nolan (Again)

Day 24: Boom! Headshot!

Today was nothing special.
Woke up, stayed home...
Yeah.

Then James, Aaron, Cameron, and Shaun all came over!
We've been playing video games.
So yeah.

Good night!

-Nolan

Day 23: Not much really happened today.

Well, not much happened today.
Actually, Jess came over about 1 or so, and we stayed at home and watched various things.
We started on Dark Shadows, but the extremely sketch website that streams movies had terrible quality, so we moved to Family Guy and other stuff.

Then I took her home later in the evening.

And now I'm sitting at home!
Playing video games.
On the plus side, my friend Kideshi helped me beat Aquanos campaign on NMHC.
Which means I can do NMHC survival on Aqua! Woo!

But I picked up Warhammer 40,000: Dark Crusade for 20 bucks.
Cheap for a really great game.

7 races and a lot of campaign and skirmishes.
I really really like it so far.

I love RTS games, but a lot of them focus on gathering resources.
In Dawn of War, everyone has 2 resources. One is power that you build generators to.. Generate.
The other is a random resource that is resupplied by capturing points.
It's really focused on battle strategies and such.
I really like it.

Fast-paced, but you can still turtle the hell out of your game, then steamroll the enemy.
That's generally how I prefer to play.

However, I just tried the Necron race....
They focus on constantly spamming troops.
I really like them.

So I'm playing a bunch of skirmishes to get the hang of my strategy, then I'm going to start upping the difficulty.

So yeah.

Not much happened.
I loved seeing Jess though.
I wasn't in a good mood last night, and she really helped me smile again.
She's kind of.... Good at that.

Yup!

Good night!
Hopefully I find stuff to do tomorrow.
Bye!

-Nolan

Day 22: Korean Jesus

Today was decent!
I mean, I was at Cameron's house till maybe 3 or so.
It was cool. I had fun playing video games with them!
Obviously.

Then I went home and.. Sat around the house. As usual.
But then Jessi invited me to see 21 Jump Street with her and Meghan!
It was so so funny.

My favorite line would have to be "HEY! Stop f*cking with Korean Jesus! He don't wanna listen to your problems! He's busy! With Korean shit!"
I laughed quite a bit.
The entire movie was hilarious.

When we sat down, Jessi pulled out Unicorn from her purse and put him on my lap!
I said "Awwww that's so adorable!"
At which point, Jessi turned to Meghan and said "I told you that's what he'd say!"

So it made me smile.

Today was a good day.
Tomorrow, Jessi and I are going to do............. Something.
No clue yet.

None at all.
But we know we're going to spend most of the day together!
Because that's how we roll.
Like bosses.

So that's my day for tomorrow!
It should be good.

Good night!

Me and Unicorn chilling in my room.
He says good night as well!

-Nolan