12/2- A lazy day, even by my standards. Also, life lesson!

"As a 23 year old Christian bisexual guy (maybe gay, I haven't worked all that out yet) I want you to know that you inspired me tonight. I've known I was different for 10 years now and tonight I finally told my friend after reading this. She was totally accepting and we talked about it for hours. She said she had a feeling but didn't want to bring it up until I was ready to talk about. I feel so much better finally getting it off my chest after all these years. I'm not ready to tell anyone in my family yet, but I guess it's one step at a time."

Someone commented on my post that I had put up on Reddit about last Wednesday.
I have never felt like this before..
I've never imagined myself as someone who can change someone's life.

But according to this,

I helped a young man make a life-changing decision, one that will take him on a new journey for as long as he lives.

I feel fantastic.

That's enough of that.

Today..
I accomplished... Approximately 30 minutes of studying.

I was way too stressed to focus.

The next couple weeks are going to be absolute hell, and I'm scared and stressed.
But I'm almost done.

Keep my eyes on the prize, finish off strong.

That's something that Coach Marty told me when I swam for Loveland.
Well, it's something that multiple people have told me.

But I think it was coming from Marty that I remember the most.

I wasn't a very good swimmer.
I didn't have promise, I didn't stand out among the team.
I was along for the ride, and I swam at an average level for the couple years I was there.

At the same time, it was an unforgettable experience.
I met so many wonderful people, and I learned a lot about myself and how it feels to push and break your own limits.

I swam sprints, but never long distance events.
But even as sprints go, it was the last 10 or 15 yards that killed me.

So at that point, I asked for advice, asked what I could change, and I really.. I really did practice.
I swam hard. Some days, I didn't. I'll admit that.
Like I said, I didn't stand out.

There were some moments that made it worthwhile though.

I loved breaststroke. It's always been my favorite swim.
So a guy on the team, "Brando," was a complete GOD when it came to breaststroke. He was ridiculous.
So I made him my idol.

There are a few moments in a race that are the best.
The first one is the very beginning, the start.

You spend a few minutes before your event, prepping yourself. You plan out what you're going to do for every step of the race, from the takeoff, to the turns, to the amount you'll push yourself.

Plunging into the water is one of the weirdest things.
One second, the world is a cacophony of yells, cheers, people talking, the announcer, and your coach yelling at you to haul ass.
You raise your heart rate, you get your entire body shaking with adrenaline, you remove everything from your mind except the race.

You hit the water, silence.
Nothing but your mind working, your breath being held, and there's a second or two before you hit the surface again.

By swimming breaststroke, it's a different experience.
You also learn to shut out all the cheers except for your own team.

I loved the 100-yard breaststroke.
The first 25, you are ridiculously active.
You're plunging through the water, pulling yourself forward, all you see is your own lane, and the walls that signify your obstacles that you need to overcome.

The second 25, it's just as much.
The first 50 yards, you are nothing but adrenaline and forward motion.
You listen to the team, yelling "WOOP," every time you come to the surface. You listen to their rhythm, and you try your hardest to keep up with it, to win.

The 3rd 25 is easily the hardest. It's the second time you've seen that damn wall, and it'll be the last.
But your breathing is shallow, your limbs are burning. It's hard.

But the last 25, the final stretch of the race..
That is when you push yourself beyond the limits.

Hearing the team "WOOP," the rushing of water in your ears, the burning of your body, it moves you faster.
You see them all bending forward over the wall, screaming at you to get your ass to that wall.

I think that's one of the few times that I really learned how to block out absolutely everything.
To go to that world where, under no circumstances, you're allowed to be tired.

No matter how you feel, you are not tired.
You're just a seething mass of muscles in motion, moving forward. That's it.
You don't have thoughts, there's nothing in the world except your lane, and the wall.

Granted, you won't win every race. Unless you're Brando. Or Kevin.

But when you hit that wall, and you look to the sides to see your competition.. That's an interesting feeling.
I don't think I ever got better than 3rd or 4th, but even then, it's a pretty awesome feeling.
Hearing your team congratulate you, high fives and backslaps.. It's almost indescribable.

Right before Conference (part of the state-wide competition, I think. Not sure), I had something.. Interesting happen.
I was getting dried off, and Marty, along with some of the guys, all came up and told me, "You're going to conference! The two guys above you dropped out".

It was weird.
I never thought I'd make it there.

That didn't necessarily go well, because I was up against people that were out of my league.
But hey.. I still did it.

I never backed out of a race or anything.
The hardest one was the second year I swam, and.. I don't remember the coach's name, but he was a hardass.
Not as bad as Marty, and Taper Week (something I'll cover another time. Basically, it's very grueling. Lots of hard sprints, lots of hard swims).

I digress.
There was a meet at Epic that he put me into a 200 Medley swim.

Now, something I have to explain.
I had never swam Butterfly in my life.

Not in a competition, and barely in practice.
And one of the biggest rushes I've felt through my body was when I looked at my races, and saw "200 Medley" as one of them.
I walked up to the coach and asked if it was a mistake.

"Nope. You're swimming it."
"I've never swam butterfly before though-"
"Yup. You're swimming it."

I was up against 1 other guy, and he was on our team. Not sure who. I don't remember.

But I got a terrible time.
Hell, the 200 Free was a pain in the ass. I was a bad swimmer!

So finding out that I had to swim butterfly?
It was scary.
I went through the team and asked the guys who usually swam fly how they did it, and what to avoid.
I got good advice, and overall.. I did alright during the fly section.
I didn't get tired or anything, which was.. Weird.

Now, I still look like a dying fish when I swim fly, but at least I've swam it once.

I think a big regret of mine was stopping swimming.
It was an amazing thing. I got in shape, I met new guys, I went to competitions, I really competed, for the first time in my life.
I swam against other people, other high schools, other guys who were way better than me.
I stopped because..

I felt pathetic next to everyone else.
I really did. I was the slowest swimmer we had.
I felt like a burden to the team, like I couldn't catch up to everyone.
Even the incoming freshmen swam better than me.

I didn't have a future in it, so I stopped.

At that point.. If you take a year off, it messes up your game.
You aren't constantly swimming, and you really get out of shape very fast.

So.. Yeah. I regret stopping so early on.

But even then, it was a great learning experience.
I learned to break personal mental and physical barriers.

Something I think I need to start doing again.
Mostly the mental part.
I also need to get back into shape. But that's different.

I miss my team.
I miss seeing them at the end of the race, all cheering me on, all telling me to haul ass and finish hard.

I don't have a physical team to look at, I don't have a team suit, I don't have a coach, I don't have someone to yell at me and make me swim extra laps if I mess up, I don't have anyone who will look at the clipboard, and back to me while I'm racing.
Which, I might add, makes you swim even harder, because you want to beat your last time so you don't look lazy.

I don't have that.
I have family and friends to cheer me on, I have people who will be excited when I do well.

I need to become my own mental coach.
I need to push myself harder, I need to break those barriers in my head, I need to push myself past my limits, then farther, over and over again.

But I think that's something that everyone needs, to a point.
I think we all can let ourselves get lazy, and passive.
That's something that my counselor//therapist//psychologist (I have no idea what to call him) and I always talk about.
I'm a passive guy.
I let things move past me.

I don't stick up for myself, I don't stand out, I don't force myself to hit the limit.

I think the best I've felt in a while was last Wednesday.
Coming out to pretty much everyone I know.. It was hard.
I pushed myself past those mental limits, and made a decision that I will never regret.

I changed my world, all within a few hours.

I want to feel that again.
I really do.

I don't know how, I don't know when, I have no idea where to even start.

But every day I'm alive, I learn something.

"Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't."

Know who said that?
Bill Nye.
The Science Guy.

That's something that I need to start living by.

Recently, every day just seems harder than the last.
Every day, I go one step forward, two back.

But even then,
You are making progress.

However slow,
However hard,

You are still moving forward.

At the end of the day, I sit back, and look at it.
I feel like shit, most of the time.
Because I still feel really upset at the end of the day.

But at the same time,

There are nights like tonight.
Where I spend the day basically alone, not even talking to many people.
I spend it in my thoughts.

Which leads to crying, sad music, and Pop-Tart eating, but there are also moments like right now.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling.
But I'm writing about it.

When I'm winding down , crawling into bed, turning off the lights, putting on some music, and closing my eyes for the night..

I do have those special times,
I have those moments,

Where I feel like I've pushed myself past my own limits, and came out on top.
I made it through the day.

Tomorrow is another day,
And it'll bring it's own problems, and all the stress I'm holding back will hit me all at once.

But for now..

I'm content in the fact that I'm still on this earth, and I've pushed myself past the breaking point, and even farther.

Now I'm gonna go all stereotypical blogger and weird, but..

How about YOU?
How do you feel?

I challenge you today.

Break a barrier,
Push yourself past your limits.

You'll be tired, you'll be exhausted, maybe in pain.
But you'll be glad you did, I promise.

-Nolan

PS: This is a weird post, it's got a life lesson at the end. Weird.

PSPS: Here's a picture.
I have no idea why, but these things make me laugh so hard.
It's just the last panel that hits me the most.

Sleep well.