11/28- Today was ACTUALLY eventful. And for the record, I'm not "confused".

As shocking as that is, today actually was eventful!

It's madness!

I'll start from the beginning.

I woke up and started my car.
That's a good-ish sign!
Alright, it's a bad sign.
Alright, it's a sign.

It's getting colder!
So I warmed up the car then went to class.

Not much really happened.. Class was class.
I read, I talked, I wrote, I listened.
Normal stuff.

After class, I went home and did a couple chores, then did something that I didn't really plan on doing.

I came out to my family as being bisexual.
It was.. Terrifying.

I mean, our family isn't terrifyingly conservative or anything, but I honestly had no idea how they would react.
So I sent it out to my mom and sisters, then sent dad an email (he was at work).

I know that sounds so impersonal, but I have to explain.
I didn't do it to be impersonal on purpose.
But there are some things that I just can't say in person.

Also, there are some things that I can only say in person.
This was the former.

I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I left the house before dad could get home because.. I was scared.
It's not something that I ever expected to say.
And it's the stereotypical "gay guy coming out of the closet to his father".
It's scarier than it sounds!
I wasn't sure how he'd react.. I was terrified.
Turns out I had nothing to worry about. He told me he loved me for who I am, and if I ever want to talk, I can come to him.

After I told the family, I sent out a couple texts to my closest friends that didn't know, and they responded very well.

I actually talked to Janae on Facebook and asked if I could hang out with her within the hour.
She just said to come on over, she wasn't busy!

So I picked up some candy that I owed her, along with some for myself, and headed over.
It was a good time.

I've always been hesitant to say that I have "girl time" with some of my friends, but that's what it is.
We sit and talk about life, workouts, ex-es, people we're interested in now, TV, celebrities.. Pretty much everything.

Something that's kind of small, but felt great..
Her boyfriend is in Oregon for a week or two, so they're texting pretty much constantly.
And she said that I was at her house, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that.
So she told him I was gay.
Which.. It feels really good to hear that.

I like being able to hang out with a girl and not be.. Just another guy.
It means I can be a friend to them in a different way.

I mean, it's half true.
I'm just as interested in girls as I am in guys.
Girls a little more so, just because.. I don't know why exactly, to be honest.
I guess I just haven't met any guys that I'm interested in.

But I'm pretty damn effeminate, but I like it.
I like being more sensitive than most guys my age.

It's interesting, I've never really understood the gay pride thing..
I don't understand pride in general.
I'm not saying that I'm always going to be up in everyone's face about being bisexual. I don't want to be that person.
But I'm saying that I'm almost proud of who I am.
That's the first time I've been proud of myself as a person.

But I'm special, I'm unique.
And I like it.

It gives me a way to connect with people easier, if that makes sense.
I can hang out  with guys and do complete guy time.
Video games, immature jokes, stupid movies, all those things.
And I love my guy time.. I love hanging out with Aaron, Ian, Shaun, Ben, James, David, Dan, Dane, Caleb.. Everyone. I love those guys to death. They're the best escape I have.
I love those nights full of immature things and video games.

But.. I also can connect to girls in a different way.
Granted, I'll never be the "gay best friend" or anything like that.
But I sincerely hope that this means that girls will be more comfortable talking to me about guys, or that it means I'm more.. Approachable? If that makes sense.
I just want it to be obvious that I'm not just another guy who's trying to get in their pants.

I love people.
Granted, I hate people with a fiery passion.
But I love connecting with people.
And I like to think that I can connect with more people in more ways.

So that's that.
Janae and I had our girl time, then I went to the Alley Cat and waited for KatC.
We haven't seen each other in 4 years, and I've missed her so much.
She's married!
And I approve of the guy.
Which I don't do often.
But I do.

Anyway, she wasn't there until 10, and I got to the Alley Cat around 8:30, so I had some time to myself and my music.

So I wrote a mini speech, and posted it on Facebook.

"Hey Facebook, I’m here to make a short little speech.

I’ve decided to make a life change and actually tell people something that I’ve known for a few years now, but wasn’t really up to making it public. 

Sat it’s a problem that needs to be fixed. Some of you won’t feel that you should be my friend because it might affect you in a negative way, or because you just don’t agree with it. 

If you feel like we shouldn’t be friends anymore, so be it. You don’t have to talk to me; you don’t have to be around me, that’s your choice. 

But for those who stay with me, I want to tell you that this should NOT change anything between us. I’m still Nolan. I like the things I’ve always liked, and I will act the same way that I always have. Granted, this will change the way you look at me, and it might be a little strange for you. 

Tome of you have known this for a while, even if I hadn’t said anything. 

I am bisexual. 

I know that, by saying this, I will have lost some friends. Some of you are uncomfortable with this, or think tho the closest guy friends I have: You all are my friends, and this is most likely weird to hear me say this. But don’t think that I’ve secretly been trying to hit on you or anything. I can honestly say that I’m not attracted to any of you in that way, and.. Well yeah. It shouldn’t change the way we hang out. At all. I’m always going to be your friend, and I hope you’ll be mine. And I will ALWAYS be here for you to talk to about anything. We can talk and complain about girls and the crazy stuff that’s happening in our lives. I don’t want this to be a deal breaker in our friendship.

To the closest girl friends I have: Odds are, most of you have caught onto this, and it’s not that surprising. It’s a little different for you, because.. Well, because you’re girls, and this won’t change the way I talk with you. I’ll still be Nolan. And I’ll still be here for you, like you’re here for me.

This is a tough decision to make, actually making this a known fact. Because I have gone to a public school for my entire life, up until college, this will undoubtedly rustle some jimmies, as being anything but heterosexual is often looked down upon. That’s what the hardest thing about saying this is, because I’ve seen the way that some people treat homosexuals and bisexuals, and it’s honestly scary. 

I sincerely hope that those of you who stay to be my friend will be here to support me through this, because it changes the way that the world will look at me, and it changes the way I look at the world.

So that’s my little speech.

Thanks for reading!

I ask that iff you choose to unfriend me or stop talking to me, comment on here. I know that I’ll be getting a lot of messages tonight, and I’d rather not sift through them and figure out which ones to just delete. 

If you want to talk to me about this, feel free to let me know. I'm not going to try and avoid people, and I'll be here if you want to talk about it."

I put that up, fully expecting to be put down, judged, and have people come and try to "fix" me.

It sounds bad, but.. I went to a private school for my whole life until college.

And I hate to say it, but there are those christians that are judgmental, and would condemn me for admitting to being anything but 100% heterosexual. 

Interestingly enough, I didn't receive anything but positive comments.

Nothing negative,

No one trying to change me,

No one telling me I was going to hell,

Nobody saying that I needed to be fixed so that God would love me again.

On the contrary, 

All I received was loving remarks and comments from everyone.

I won't post them all, because you can't copy and paste comments.

But suffice to say, they made me cry.

Quite a few of them. 

But I think there were a few that really stood out to me.

One was from my friend Mike.

We've known each other for a long time, and he's a Marine.

Body builder, ripped, manly, tattoos.. Military man.

And he said:

" Kill! I got your back muh boy! much respect for throwin it out there.. let somebody talk shit.."

It's.. It's a great feeling having someone so.. Manly, someone so terrifying, stand up for me, and be willing to fight anyone that talked shit about me.

And from this guy named Ian. He's everything against the norm. People judge him, and some people don't agree with anything he does. He said this:

" Be yourself and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I went through something similar, with my beliefs and lifestyle I get a lot of hate. Though I am myself heterosexual, I can not understand exactly what it's like, but it's hard to be anything but the "norm". More power to you, my friend."

It's amazing to hear encouragement from someone so unique and confident.

Then I had multiple comments from my sisters, threatening to beat anyone up that had a problem with me.

And my mom, declaring her support, telling me that I've grown into a wonderful person. 

My brother-in-law had this to say:

"Well done, sir. "This above all: To thine ownself be true." I can't imagine what it was doing to you to keep that to yourself, nor can I imagine what it took to tell everyone. That's awesome, and I hope you'll be able to rest easier now that it's out there. Sadly, there are always those who will use religion as a facade for their own hatred and bigotry, and by the same token there are people who think they'll get a free iPad for clicking on a link. Don't let the bastards get you down."

I've never had an older brother. And I love him to death, he's a wonderful man, and I'm proud to say that I'm related to him, if not by blood.

Jessi also commented:

"Im so proud of you Nolan! Hold your chin up cuz no matter what anyone says youre still a great person!!"

Hearing that from someone who dated me, someone who was here for me in a way that no one else has been.. She was one of the first people to ever know. And I told her while we were still together. She took it in stride, not missing a beat, not treating me any different. But we did start talking about more celebrities that we found hot.. Quite a few being men. She's the only person that I've really talked like that with. 

Lizzi said:

"Nolan, I'm proud of you. You did it. 

You let them know. 
This is a huge step for you. 

If anyone tells you differently, shame on them. 
We all love you."

A while back, we had a conversation about this. I was terrified of anyone finding out, or anyone knowing about this. I was.. Yeah. Terrified out of my wits to tell anyone. She's one of the people that encouraged me to tell at least a couple people, and she reminded me that people would still love me, that people still would care about me in the same way.

And if you're reading this, and I didn't name your comment personally, please don't think it didn't matter to me.

I received so much love from so many people, and I can't quote every single comment.

Each comment was wonderful, and I feel encouraged from all of you. 

I just chose to quote a few of the comments that made me cry.

Anyway. After the speech.

I met up with KatC, and I had a fantastic time.

We talked about a lot, caught up on the few years, and had a great time.

I was with her from 10 until 1 in the morning!

We covered girls, guys, psychology, and rounded off the night discussing video games.

I hope to meet up with her again sometime soon.

-----

Well.. That's the main portion of my blog.

It's already a decent-sized post, so I'm not really going to go into my experience with all of this.

I also won't go into homosexuality and nature vs. nurture..

That's a long topic for another night.

I can safely say that tonight I'll be going to sleep,

Feeling proud about who I am as a person.

Granted, there are still some depressing things going through my head.

But I can put those aside, and be proud of the person I am.

So goodnight world, and I'll talk to you all another night.

-Nolan (Who isn't just confused, going through a phase, or in need of being "fixed".)