Oh noooooooo I missed blogging on Valentine's Dayyyyyy what an atrocityyyyyyyyy.
...
Nah I don't really care.
I can't remember much of what happened yesterday. I mean, I woke up not being friendly. After the night I had had, I didn't really like people in general. So I did the logical thing and went straight to the gym. Then class. Then came home and played the TITANFALL BETA CAUSE OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY IT AHHHHHHH. Then Geoff came over, and we spent the night playing Titanfall and other games.
I took him home today, and then went straight to the gym, because I wasn't in the mood to deal with my emotions, I chose to be awesome instead. I'm proud of myself! It was legs day, and my goal for the day was to use 90 pounds of resistance on all the machines I'd use for the day. And I did! A few of them I even used 110 or 130 pounds. I felt very proud of myself.
After my workout, I went home and played more Titanfall, then League of Legends with Lizzi, then Ian came over! We played some games, and I pretty much came up to bed after a few hours because it was just getting to that point in the night where I needed to be alone.
Now, how have I been feeling.
Eh... Not as bad as I thought I would be by now. I mean, it still sucks. I still hurt. A lot. But in reality, what I wanted most out of that girl was a definite answer, be it yes or no. Okay what I wanted most out of her was to be with her, but that's secondary to the other point haha. The answer is the more important thing. I was prepared for a no, just... Wasn't prepared for a no when she was frustrated with me. But it happened, it's over with, and it's in the past. No point in being fed up with something that I can't change, and something that has no bearing on my life now. Part of me is slightly content that I got some freedom from the constant weight of my feelings for her. I mean, I'll probably always have a little bit of them. Then again, I still have minor feelings for a few other girls that I had a thing with, but none of the feelings are strong enough to hurt me or make life hard on me. So even if I still kind of have that "what if" feeling, I know that I'll reach the point where that won't effect me any more. I just gotta make it to that point.
This all sounds a little too good to be true, I know. It sounds like I'm just saying this to allay any suspicion that I'm not in pain. I'll freely admit I hurt, I mean really. I got drunk and cried when I heard that answer. But sobering up made me very calm and collected, and I thought through it and decided I have no reason to be a little bitch about it any more. I'm going to be happy, and nobody will fucking stop me from achieving that, because I am a boss-ass bitch.
For the first time in my entire life, I legitimately am believing what I'm saying to people. Yeah it hurts. But if she's not someone I'm supposed to end up with, that just means someone else is. The thing I'm struggling with most is the fact that we had the same taste in so many common things. Cars, music, hobbies, movies, video games, books, TV shows... Everything. We had so much common ground. So to me, I'm having issues coming to grips with the fact that there's some other girl out there who will have the same taste in those things that I do. I've never met a girl like her, so I always thought that she and I were a good fit. I can't get everything I want, but I suppose I'll find a girl out there with similar tastes in things as well. It's just hard to imagine another girl like that at this point, you know? But I'll find her. I've watched enough How I Met Your Mother to know how my life will turn out. Cause life is just like TV, right? ...Right?
No, but seriously, I've been thinking of it in perspective to that show! It's stupid, I know, so bear with me. The way I see it, I'm dealing with the same things that Ted dealt with. Getting over someone whom he's clearly not going to be with. They even said that love was feeling the same way for someone, even when everyone else "Rolls their eyes at you." Which perfectly described how I felt towards her. I mean, after 9 years you think I would have given up. But I didn't. So people would roll their eyes when I said I still felt like I had a chance with her. There's a very dramatic part of this episode where Ted lets the girl go and she pretty much floats away like a balloon. Obviously I can't do that. But I mean... If it's time for me to let go of this girl, then I need to. It doesn't mean that 9 years of of feelings for her was a waste, it just means that they were misplaced. I'm working on letting go, which I know I can do, now that I have a definite, 100% no. Obviously I'd probably be okay with a change in answer at some point in my life haha, but I'm sincerely doubting that, so I'll just treat it like I have no chance with her, as it's a better option.
I mean... Yeah. I'll be fine. I know I will. It'll be hard. But I know I will be. It's so much easier knowing that I have an answer. That makes it so I can actually begin my process of letting go of my feelings for her, and starting to actually move on and find the girl I'm supposed to be with!
I think... Yeah that's really it. I'm exhausted and I could use some sleep.
And you, if you're reading this, I will be fine. I promise I will. You know that I don't lie about my feelings on my blog, especially not in this long of a post. Yes, I hurt. Yes, it's unpleasant to feel this way. But no, I won't do anything stupid. I'll be fine dear. I really will. I just need to figure out how to mentally tackle this shit. I'm stronger than most people know, even including you. I have some strength deep down there that I never really tapped into, but I am now. I'll become strong and tough and stable, and you'll be impressed. Just you watch.
Sleep well everyone! Have a wonderful night.
Love,
-Nolan
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