It was legs day and I pushed myself. I'll talk about that later though.
Today...
I'm not sure.
I didn't do much. I spent the day kind of wrapped up in my own head, which... Really didn't go well. I've been fairly upset all day, just kind of trapped in my thoughts. I mean, I have a couple things that I've come to realize in the past couple days, and a few more things to think about. I'm not going to share them on here just because... I don't know. It's private and not something I can just type out. It has to be in person. But at the same time, I don't really intend on telling anyone exactly what's going on. I can deal with it myself. It's mostly just about the state of my emotions and where I need to take them next or deal with what's been in my head. It's so hard to explain. It was really rough all day just because I had thoughts I couldn't get out of there, and the things I've slowly been starting to realize are tearing me down and make it harder to really care about stuff. Which... Is to be expected. But I figure I'll get over it soon enough. Just have to make it through the first couple weeks, and things will start to look up! I'm hopeful.
Alright, I'll talk about one of the things that I've realized about this situation.
At this point, I:
a) Have no feelings for anyone
b) Don't have anyone with feelings for ME
And
c) Have no one that's even an OPTION to have feelings for.
And it's throwing me for a massive loop. I mean, I've always, always been interested in someone. And... I have no one. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it's like life is forcing me to WANT to improve for myself and myself alone. Which is working. But... It just upsets me at the same time. I thrive on relationships, both romantic and not. That's why I was banking on that one girl, because I knew she was the only one I had an interest in. I realize it's better off this way, but it doesn't stop things from kinda hurting when I don't have someone to try and better myself for. So I just... It upsets me. I feel alone, because I don't have an interest in someone. If that makes sense. I don't have anyone who wakes up excited to talk to me in particular, I don't have anyone who wants to be with me as more than friends, I don't have anyone that I look forward to talking to in particular. It's so uncomfortable. I can't stand it. But at the same time, I know it's necessary for me so I can move forward as a human being. My friends keep telling me to just be happy I'm single and enjoy it, when I really don't. It's hard to enjoy it when I crave someone for me to give my affection to. Yeah yeah I should be giving it to myself and being happy about it. It's hard when the people that you used to give affection to don't want anything to do with you. All my exes have problems with me and won't talk to me. I've just been feeling atrociously alone for the past month or two and I have no way of fixing it. Hanging out with people isn't helping as much anymore, and I'm just starting to fall apart at the seams and there's nothing i can fucking do about it because no one wants to let me talk to them about it. God damn I'm pissed off and upset and I can't do shit. I need to get back to the gym. I'm not taking a rest day this week, I'm going again tomorrow.
Okay. Okay... I need to move on. The more pissed off I get the more likely I am to say something I'll regret. And while I can go back and change things after publishing, I prefer not to. Ruins my flow of words. Posting these things online gives me a sense of permanent-ness, like my words are unchangeable. Which helps me deal with it. Does that make sense? No. Not really. But anyway.
LEG DAY. Rightrightright.
I didn't blog yesterday because I had Ben over. We played some Supreme Commander and No More Room In Hell and got food at Wal-Mart. I kind of had a cheat night. I mean, I bought a drink with high fructose corn syrup and some unhealthy snacks, but I haven't had a craving to actually eat them yet, so they're sitting on my bed.
Okay since I'm crying and listening to sad music I broke into my chocolate-covered pretzels and dear god they're good. When you pretty much stop eating sweets regularly you never realize how good chocolate tastes until you have some.
So. Today was leg day. Right. I went there with my mind set on using no less than 110 pounds of resistance on every machine, and I fulfilled that goal! It hurt like HELL on the leg extension and leg curl, but I did it. The leg press I did 210 pounds!!! I'm SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I need to get my chest up to par next, cause it looks like shit. And my arms. They're not so great either. Improvement feels so good.
Another side note about working out. I've started getting in touch with the fiery rage that burns within me more and more. As you all know, I used to really... Not get angry. At anyone. For anything. Even hurting me. I wouldn't care. And obviously that's no longer the case, as I've called out a couple people on a couple things. One of those times it didn't work so well. But hey, at least I tried, right? I've always been nervous to allow myself to get actually angry, because the one time I actually did, I had an adrenaline blackout and ended up repeatedly smashing my head against a punching bag. So at least I know how to keep it balanced now. But hot damn when you can get pissed off while working out? You'll start to work harder than ever. The only times I've managed to leg press over 210 were when I was really pissed off about someone or something. Only problem is if I get too pissed off I end up depressed and my form goes down the drain. Just gotta figure it all out.
I'm surprised that my blogs have turned into such a venting-type-thing. I mean, I don't really do much, so most of my subject matter comes from what I was struggling with during the day and if I overcame it or not. I'm also surprised that I've managed to... Keep it low-key. I mean, I have some things that I need to talk about, but there's no way to explain the whole story at once, so I just keep it to myself. I have things I need to say to various people, but I... Can't. I just can't. Either they aren't available, or they cut contact with me, or they don't want to talk to me, or anything. It's just rough. I think I can summarize my feelings for the past few weeks as being lonely. I'm seeing a hell of a lot less of my friends, I'm talking even less to most of them, and the few really close ones I have don't seem to want to be around me much. It's just... Blah. I don't know. I'm running out of mental capacity at this point. I need to go blow up shit in some video game.
So I guess... If you read these posts, it really does mean a lot to me. I honestly have been feeling really alone lately, even if I know I'm not. If we're arguing, I'm sorry. If we don't see or talk to each other often, make a move and try to hang out with me. Odds are, I'm just too shy to ask. And if I keep asking, I really am sorry, it's probably just that I miss you. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable asking for help, or talking about these things with people for fear of rejection or being judged. That's why I post them here. Where only a select few will actually read them!
Yeah... I think that's it. I'm off to play... Something. Not sure what yet. Night guys,
Love,
-Nolan
PS I watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire today and hot damn it was good also I want to be kissed I really miss it okay good night now for reals
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