Ahahhhhhhh... Ahh.
Today was confusing. It certainly had its ups and downs.
It started out fantastic. I got to campus to go work out, and did pretty well. I ran a mile again. Not for time, but I did it fairly quickly, around 9:30 or something. I wasn't really trying to go faster than before, I just was doing it as warmup cardio. It was leg day, so it was fun. I was averaging about 110 pounds of resistance on most of the machines, and 90 on others. It was a good feeling.
After that, I went to get ready for class, and... Kind of made a dumb mistake and started a Facebook fight with one of my friend's exes. I mean, I really don't like that kid. I really, really don't. And I was in a great mood, so I decided that today would be the day that I let him know how I was feeling. And it did not go well.
He started giving me shit for things that I had no idea he even KNEW about. He started calling me out on some things that really, really hurt. And he was just basically talking about it like it was nothing, and giving me shit for it. I mean... I had already thought about some of the things he said, so it's not like it was new, it was just hard seeing it come from someone who shouldn't even know about it. He called me an obsessive stalker and an emotional vampire. And it... Hurt. A lot. Mostly because I used to be that way. And I know I was, okay? I wasn't the fucking healthiest kid in the head. I wasn't emotionally or mentally stable. But what goddamn right does he have to target someone's mental health when going for shots that are aimed to hurt someone?! I just... It really hurt me. I had an anxiety attack after that, because I was anxious about what people would say to me. I didn't want to be known like that. I was scared that people would admit to me that they thought I was an "emotional vampire", and they'd choose to tell me and it would just kill me more. He made fun of the fact that I was going to give that girl a Valentine's Day gift. First of all, yeah it was fucking cheesy no shit that's the point. Second of all, I knew that the girl was going to be somewhere all day, so I wanted her to have her favorite candy to start the day. I didn't... I didn't think I was that creepy. Apparently he did. And for all I know, she did too. He told me that I didn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings... That was never, ever true. I don't care what he says. I've always put peoples' feelings above mine, to an unhealthy degree at some points. Granted, I had an issue with expressing my feelings, but it wasn't because I didn't give a shit about someone else's. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He was out to hurt me, and he did. Mission accomplished. Now, when I went out and said what I did, I wasn't looking for a sense of accomplishment. I set out and said those things because it was bottled up inside and it seemed an appropriate time to let it out. Apparently it wasn't, because he was ready for it. Oh well.
And you know what?
I'm fucking over it. I could care less anymore. What he said gave me some things to really think about, and it also helped me realize a few things I didn't before.
So that's that. But fuck it. I don't give a shit what he thinks. Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. I mean obviously he's taller and buffer and could kick my ass in a fight but this isn't about that. This is about ME focusing on ME for the first time in my life. This is about doing what's best for me. So why should I care about what he thinks? He has no bearing on my life, and neither does the other guy who supported him. They are pointless extras in the movie of my life. They caught me in a moment of weakness, I'll give them that. But it won't happen again. Mostly because I don't care.
I just.
I don't know.
It hurts a lot. More than I'd like to admit.
He was just so... On point. He had the perfect insults and called me out on the precise things that used to tear me apart. And it worked. It hurt more than anything else he could have told me. He knew my insecurities better than almost anyone else I've ever met. Fucking hell shit ass dick fuck shit fuck fuck. I just... AAAHHH I don't know. I'm furious with myself along with him, and everything just emotionally went to shit at the beginning of the day, and it cast a shadow on the rest of the day. No matter how well it went, I'd have to tackle that moment later in the night.
And I'm tackling it now. On a blog. So you all can read it. Because god knows why. Only about... 3 people check up on this blog, one of them not as much anymore. I think I blog and vent because it's like there are people that I want to read this but I know won't, and there are people that I don't care if they read or not. So it's mostly just so I have a record of my feelings that I can physically record out and get out of my head. You all are just unlucky enough to bear the brunt of them.
I think I've finally picked out why I'm tackling my own emotional problems more now.
It's because I've had to tackle them alone. Not entirely alone, but mostly. When I got out of the hospital this time, I had my parents and a couple friends, but I didn't have anyone who loved me in a romantic way. I didn't have a girlfriend to cuddle with and feel better. I didn't have someone special to me that I could tell anything to. In fact, I came out of there with one less friend. Not because she wasn't my friend, but because she needed to be separate for her own mental health, (and because I needed a tiny bit of tough love), which I never had a problem with. It wasn't like she didn't care about me, it was just that she knew I needed some time alone.
But on top of that, after a few months out, I gained a friend that I could tell anything to. Recently, after things with that girl didn't turn out as planned, I initially went to that new friend, but she didn't have time for me, as she was going through her own shit. So I was alone again. The normal friends I talk to were busy, so I couldn't go to them. I didn't have anyone to sit down and mentally work it out with, save for myself. Which is why it led to drinking and crying before I tackled it. So I mean... I think I'm going to be doing better when I'm alone now. It won't be the end of the world. I didn't have anyone to defend me or anything like that today, so I kind of just... Took it. Which made it hurt more, but made it so that I can learn to deal with it myself.
Okay that's enough of that. I'm starting to tear up and get overwhelmed from the sheer amount of random emotions I'm feeling right now, so we're mooooooooving on.
Look I tried to get a picture of a cow saying "mooooving on" but couldn't find it so just deal with this for now. I think the caption on the site was something along the lines of "holy cow."
After that shitstorm, I went to class. Turns out no class! So I went home. After I got home, I made plans to hang out with my friend Amber, but I had a couple hours to spare so I went to Sara's house! It was great. She gave me a popsicle, we watched American Dad, and I taught her how to use Tumblr! I got to vent and cry to her a little bit (without actual crying), because I just... I had to talk to someone about what happened. She told me a few good things that helped a lot and encouraged me to just move past it like it didn't even happen. Which will be hard because the things I now have stuck in my mind are going to be hard to get out, but I will figure it out. After Sara, I went to get Taco Bell with Amber! Which was really fun. We talked about her horrible excuse for a boyfriend, housing situations, jobs, money, life in general. It was awesome. I headed home afterwards and immediately hopped on my computer to play Minecraft and be lazy, which I... Did. I should probably have dinner, which I'm going to go do now, so I'll end the blog around here.
One last thing... I've been thinking about it, and this is one of the very few times in my life where I don't have a crush on anyone at all, and I have literally no chance with any of the girls in my life. I'm basically forced to focus on myself until someone else important pops up. I just can't... I can't even begin to think of the effort that it takes to find someone new. I'm kind of fed up with other people at the moment, so this isn't a bad thing for me. I'll just have to wait. I mean, I keep hoping it'll be all cute and shit like How I Met Your Mother when I find my next relationship, but we'll see. All I know is I'm ready for some actual commitment. No more wasting half a year on someone only to be screwed over because they don't have the self-control to focus on one partner. I want a real, mature, healthy relationship. So that's... What I'm hoping I'll get next. Just gotta wait patiently.
In the mean time, however, I'll be working out, playing video games, and furthering my education to become a better person that can one day support his family.
Love,
-Nolan
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