02/13- Nope, Take 2.

So I'm blogging tonight. I changed my mind.

Last time I chose to be a pissy little brat and not blog because I was whiny, somebody changed my mind by calling me out on it.
This time, I called myself out on it.

Basically, that girl that I was interested in isn't as interested in me. As in she isn't at all. So, I'm a little upset. We had an argument because I did something kinda stupid and she called me out on it, and it progressed from there to when I told her that if she didn't feel the same way she could just tell me. Which she did. At least I got what I asked for, and I'm not waiting in suspense to find out any more! I just wish I could have found out when she wasn't frustrated with me you know? I mean, I had this whole thing planned out with a little bag full of Hello Kitty gummies in like a tin purse thing, and a little Chinese takeout box full of Almond Joys, with about 20 or so of those Tumblr Valentine's Day Cards that I printed out at school today, with a letter tossed in there explaining in flowery phrasing and details how I felt and just basically asking her to take a chance with me, or at least tell me to my face that she didn't want to.

Alas, I chose to do the stupid thing and just kind of ruin my own plans... And it's upsetting me a little bit, not gonna lie. I could have prevented everything about that argument, which is pissing me off! Thinking back, it was a stupid decision and I really regret it. If I had just stayed with my giving her Valentine's Day candy and stuff plan, it wouldn't have necessarily changed the outcome. But at least it would have been more pleasant for both of us.

So I made a logical decision got drunk and cried.

I don't regret that, actually. I mean, it wasn't like a great coping method or something, I've just always wanted to get turned down then drown my sorrows in drinking at least once in my life. But it allowed me to shamelessly cry a few tears and be upset. When I sobered up, I thought back on what happened.

Yeah, I could have prevented the manner in which it happened. I could handled it better. I shouldn't have asked her how she felt when she was frustrated. It probably would have come out a little differently if she was telling me over a bag of Almond Joys and cheesy cards as opposed to when she was annoyed with my actions (and rightfully so). It may not have been a different answer, but it might have sounded different. I don't know of course, but I can hope.

The question now is what do I do with the things I got her? Well, I'm probably not going to give them to her as planned. I don't know if I'm going to drop them on her doorstep. My friends are all saying no, but... I don't know. It's not like she suddenly started hating her favorite candy. It's not like they would taste bad, right? If I do put them on her doorstep, I'll probably just take out the letter and leave the rest. I mean, I don't really need to ask for an answer anymore haha. I probably will give out the candy to people who look like they're having a shit day. She put up this Facebook status that may or may not have been directed at me, I honestly have no idea. But even if it is, I deserve what she said, and she did speak the truth haha.

Now, how am I feeling about all this?
Well.

It sucks, not going to lie. I waited a long time to get this chance, annnnnd pretty much made it so it didn't turn out how I'd expected. So of course I'm a little lot disappointed in myself. I was rude, I was immature, and did shit that I shouldn't have done if I really deserved her. Obviously it's not like I ruined my chance all at once. I mean she still would have said no no matter how I asked. I just... I really got my hopes up, you know? I thought my chances were at least pretty strong. But she said no pretty strongly, so I guess she already knew it was coming.

And you know what?

That's okay.
I can live without being in a relationship with her. At this point, all I want from her is to know that we can still be friends at least. Since I won't pursue her, I won't make stupid decisions like I did, and I won't do anything like that. I just... Yeah. I really, really, fervently hope that she'll be okay with us being friends still. I love playing League with her and going cruising and going through car washes. I fucked up, and I apologized, now I just... Have to wait. Which is the worst part. But I have to give her space big time, and avoid trying to make her talk to me. It's not my decision. Which sucks because letting something out of my control just doesn't work well with me. I have to let it take its course. That's the most I can do right now.

If you're reading this, I apologize again. I acted in a pathetic and immature way. I hope you'll forgive me sometime so we can still play that game I got you, along with League.

At least I'm doing... Okay. I don't know if this means it'll hit me hard later on, or what exactly will happen with my mood. But I'm determined to be okay and keep my head up. I've thought before what would happen if it turns out she wasn't interested me, and I didn't expect that I'd be right. See, I thought that it would go with me getting drunk and being sad, but then when I sobered up I'd start to be okay because I'd think through it and deal with what comes. And I was so right. I mean, I'm not happy at the moment. At all. Like zero. But I'm not abnormally depressed. I'm not thinking of hurting myself. I'm actually craving getting to the gym. That's how I punish myself now. I work hard at the gym and up the resistance weights on the machines and force myself to work harder as punishment for feeling hurt over something that I shouldn't feel that hurt over. Yeah, this sucks. Yeah, I'm probably going to randomly tear tomorrow. But I'll fucking figure this shit out. It's not the end of the goddamn world just because a girl doesn't care for me the way I care for her. She's not the one for me; I get that. So it's time to move on and find another girl who it might be.

That's the attitude I'm choosing to hold onto. I'm refusing to let this get me down. In 30 years, this will be an insignificant event. I've always been horrible at letting my emotions get the best of me. And this time, I'm changing that. I'm going to make this the first time that I handled this shit correctly and didn't let it hit me with the force of a tank! I am not going to be a little bitch about this. I'll fucking handle this.

I realize I'm putting a lot of emphasis on this, but that's because I desperately need to vent and my friends were all really busy and unable to come over, so you guys are my audience while I vent to you about my day. Sorry!

Everything else was pretty... Normal. Woke up. Worked out (Leg day). Went to class. Came home. And yeah.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah!
That's... My day.

I mostly just wanted to vent about that.

Yup.

-Nolan

My mantra for the night.