That was the longest "hmm" I've ever put on any of my blogs.
I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad sign...
Oh well.
Long story short... I don't know what to talk about!
How surprising, eh?
Although, I do have some good-ish news.
I've been struggling with making myself happy.. It's very hard.
It's extremely difficult for me.
Very, very, extremely, quite, astoundingly, very, very, extremely, batman symbol, hard.
It's difficult.
I just... Well, I don't know how to make myself happy.
Scratch that, I don't know how to keep myself happy.
I guess, I got the hang of making myself happy.
I just... Couldn't keep that going.
I was able to do something fun, then while I was doing that, I felt fine.
But the minute I stopped that activity, I felt terrible again.
I'm pleased to report that today, I kept myself distracted, and thought about happy things most of the day!
This is extremely exciting to me.
I really am glad I was able to do it.
I feel very accomplished.
It... Well, it's a minor self-confidence boost.
It feels nice.
It's..... It's.. So weird.
It feels foreign to be happy.
I really.. It's just so strange to me.
I was only used to happiness as a fleeting short burst of "not feeling terrible".
But... Well, I stayed happy today.
The only thing is..... I only succeeded at pushing out the depressing memories.
I wasn't able to look at them, then think of something happy.
I just... Blanked my mind, pushed them out, and found something else to do.
That's why.. Well, I don't want to try and keep myself happy every day. It requires so so much effort.
It's exhausting.
Right now, I'm... Well, I'm on the verge of breaking down.
So many of those depressing thoughts are.. Well, they're basically pounding on the door in my head.
I want..
Well, I want to let in the memories. They're bittersweet.
I want to feel the happiness in those memories, in those thoughts.. But.....
For once in my life...
I realize that it wouldn't be good.
I want to feel those thoughts. Oh god.. I want to think about those memories.
But I know that (continuing the 'house' metaphor), if I let those memories through the door, they'll completely engulf me, drown me, and plunge me into an emotional breakdown.
I just...
It's exhausting.
I love those thoughts, those memories.. I love them. They make me smile, they make me cry, they make me...
Okay. So..
Again, I'm going to try and be stronger right here.
Congratulations readers, you now get to see me working through a simplified thought process on my blog!
Basically, what I'm thinking is..
Well, those memories are bittersweet. They make me happy, but I know that they will break me down the more I think of them. I want to feel those happy parts, but.. Well I know the depressing parts will outweigh the happy parts.
And... For once....
That doesn't seem like an even trade. I usually would have gone with it, and immersed myself in those memories.
But right now.. Well, I don't want to feel that pain.
I don't know why! That's.. That's the weird thing.
I... I love pain. It's familiar. It's what I live with. It's how I live, it's what I feel constantly.
I love the feeling of pain..
But right now... I don't want to feel the pain.
And that's scaring me.
It's freaking me out..
But part of me knows that it's not a good idea to feel that pain right now.
I'm exhausted of keeping myself happy today. I'm truly exhausted.
Physically, mentally, emotionally..
I'm physically exhausted from this!
It's required so much mental effort to make myself smile that my body is aching, sore, and exhausted.
It's astounding how much the brain and body are linked.
Seriously! It's just plain amazing! I'm so happy I'm going into psychology... I love it.
I want to see that. I want to learn just why the body becomes physically strained when someone is depressed.. How someone's appetite can decrease because they're unhappy..
God. That's so interesting to me. I love it.
Anyway.. Back to me.
Uh...
Yeah. I'm exhausted, and I want to let the bittersweet memories in, but I know I would regret it.
(Also, when I summarize things like that, it's because I'm reminding myself what I'm talking about!)
But part of me wants.. To feel happy.
It's so scary. I'm not used to feeling happy, I'm not used to pulling myself out of depression..
I have to learn it someday.. Right?
Ah.. AHH.
That's scary!
Ugh!
I mean, it's probably funny to you right now, because you don't really understand how my mind works..
But, the fact that I just admitted I have to learn it someday scared the crap out of me..
It's kind of funny, but.. It really does terrify me.
I... I don't like change.
I really don't.
It scares me so much.
But..
I need to change myself someday.
I need............
Ugh.
I hate admitting this, but.. I've been thinking about it more and more ever since Ashley and I talked about it a while back..
I need to live for myself.
I.. That scares me. So much. I'm not used to doing something because it makes me happy.
I don't! I just don't act that way! I.. I don't.
Ashley has helped me so much..
She's helped me with.. Everything. She's always been there for me.. And no matter what I do.. She's still my friend.
Ashley, if you're reading this..
Thank you. So much.
I'm.. I'm sorry for all the drama I caused, for all the mistakes I've made, for all the stress I've caused you.
I.. Never meant for any of it to happen. I hope you know that I'm going to be a better friend in the future.
I really will work at it.
You have no idea just how much you've helped me. I don't think you realize just how important you are to me..
And.. Well remember that promise I made you? Yes, that one. I intend on keeping it ( :
I really do.
Anyway.. Back to Nolan's screwed up head.
I'm scared of living for myself.
It truly scares me.
Something interesting!
Usually, when it's night, or when I'm about to go to bed, I listen to my playlist of depressing music.
But..
Well... I know I'm fooling myself. I keep telling myself I want to be happy, but I know every bit of me wants to be depressed because it's what I'm used to..
Right now, I.. Well, I'm going to see if I can go to sleep happy-ish.
So, I'm listening to Blink-182, I'm talking to two new very good friends I've made, and I'm going to read a book after I take my medication.
Actually, I'm going to watch funny videos until I get sleepy, then get in bed, then.. Watch more funny videos on my iPod!
Huh.
I'm.. Bored.
But I'm not upset.. It's.... Weird as hell!
Hahaha.
I smiled.
What the hellllllllllllll is up with me tonight.
It might be because I'm sleepy, or because I'm just exhausted..
Or both.
Ugh.
Now.. I'm stressed out. I just...
Well, I didn't go back to those depressing thoughts.
I just.. Well, I realized something that is..
Actually, it's only kind of stressful.
Not too bad actually.
Hah!
I'm smiling.
It's weird.
I love my friends.
They're amazing.
I don't know how I got so lucky.
I'm distracted!
My mind is all over the place.
See, something interesting about me..
If I think of something depressing, I used to think "Oh god I'll keep thinking about this, it'll make me unhappy constantly, I shouldn't even try to avoid it!"
But.. Recently, I've realized..
I get so distracted so fast. If I think of something that makes me unhappy, I just...
Well, I realize. "Thinking of this sucks.. It hurts. But... In about 5 minutes, I'll completely forget about it!"
It's nice having bits of ADD.
When it comes to video games and music, I have ridiculous ADD. I will load up a game, then switch games because I got bored.
Haha!
I'm weird.
Anyway.
What was I saying?
I don't know.
I'm bored and distracted.
Oh! 99% of you readers can tune out right here. I'm talking a little bit about League of Legends again.
Today, I got a double kill on the enemy team's fountain with Sion!
For those of you who get that... It's funny. Because it's hard.
And it's funny.
Also, I saved up and bought Talon with IP. That's nuts!
I can't save up IP because I keep finding things I like. But I got Talon!
I tried out a jungle route, and it works great! But.. My last game, the latency was spiking up and down, so... We lost. My lag time maxed out around 10 seconds. I would click and... 10 seconds later, I'd move.
It sucked.
So I'm going to play him more tomorrow.
Anyway.
Back to me.
Uh..
I don't know what to say.
All I know is, the longer I stay on this blog, the bigger the chances are that I'll open my mind to depressing thoughts.
And right now, I don't want that to happen!
SO.
I'm going to get off this blog, watch funny videos, and talk to my friends.
Suck on THAT depression!
Nyyeahhhh.
...
I'm mature. I'm sticking my tongue out at an immaterial concept.
Hahaha.
Oh well.
Here's a video I've put on this blog maybe 5 times, but it makes me smile.
Every. Single. Time.
I have... BIG BALLS.
Also, since I've been doing it recently..
I shall leave you with another question!
As usual, I'll pretend people will leave an answer in the comments, and you can pretend you are going to answer!
If you could travel through time, when and where would you go?
Thanks for reading everyone (:
Also, I would recommend checking out all the blogs at the bottom of my page.
They're all awesome!
Share it if you like it!
-Nolan
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