A Day In the Life of Nolan: Your Scars Aren't Who You Are

Let's see.. What have I done today...
I woke up early so I could stop by and see my friend Ian's senior thesis at Heritage!
He addressed the validity of video games as a form of art.
It was awesome!
He decided that video games should be classified as art because they share many features of art and literature.
I mean, that's how it sounded to me. I tried to summarize it, and that's what came out.
Anyway, it was really interesting.
I had more questions to ask, but Mrs. Hahn t me off because the next presentation had to start ) :
Sad day.
Oh well.

Then... I dropped by home to pick up my laptop, then headed out to class.
On Tuesdays, I have a 3 hour biology lab..... I don't like it.
However, afterwards, I have abnormal psychology. Yay!
That class is much more interesting to me.
I love psychology. Sociology is kind of interesting too.

Hmmm...
There's some guy at csu has a Porsche 911 Carrera S... It's very pretty.
And a few nice 2011 Wrx Imprezas... Some guy has a modded 350z that's very pretty.
However.... I really don't like huge mufflers on a car.. seriously.
They aren't cool! On the 350z, it's got dual mufflers that are easily 5 or 6 inches wide..
I looked down the pipe itself, the actual exhaust tip is maybe 3 to 4 inches wide.
Really? It's not that cool.
Seriously. Unnecessarily large mufflers make your car look stupid.
And it makes me laugh because you have more of a chance of scraping it on the ground if you take a bump wrong.

Oh well.
Nice car, tool driver.
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I guess what I've been thinking about today is..
Well, the fact that you have scars, cuts, burns, bruises that you made... that sort of thing, it doesn't define who you are.

It doesn't mean that you're a bad person, that you're emo, that you want attention, that you're selfish..
None of those are true.
You have those scars for a reason. You have them because you reached the point where you needed a release, you needed to feel something, so you cut yourself to feel a rush, to see the blood.
You were in so much pain for a number of reasons.. Life was crashing down, the stress was so high..
Some of you might remember the exact thoughts and feelings you had before you cut for the first time.
It's... Well, it's a bigger decision than most people think.
Once you cut yourself, you're.. Stuck with it. You will have to live with the realization that you hurt yourself to feel better, that you were willing to inflict physical pain on yourself in order to feel a mental or emotional release.

That's a big deal!

You may even become addicted to your choice of self-harm.. You love the sight of your blood, you love the feel of hot metal against your skin, you love the feel of a knife cutting you..
Those feelings are addicting.
For those of you who have never struggled with those feelings, you probably can't see why someone would do that. It just.. Well, it's freeing. It really is. I can't tell you what everyone feels, because everyone will hurt themselves for various reasons, and they'll react to their own pain in a different way.

The point is.. Just because you hurt yourself.. Just because you reached that point.. Just because you needed to feel that release.. Just because you mutilated your body to feel happy..
It doesn't define you.

You may have scars.
You may have cigarette burns.
Those don't make you who you are.
You decide for yourself who you are.

You aren't always going to be "That guy or girl that cuts them self."
That's not who you'll be forever.
Yes, you may be known as someone who hurts them self, someone who harms their body to relax.
Those labels won't last forever!

I've only been in depression and cutting for 5 years.
That's not that long, comparatively.
But I still know what it's like to need that release.

I mean, read this blog I wrote about part of my history.
Parts of my experience with depression and pain.

...

Okay? Read it?
That piece of writing should at least prove the point that.. Well, I've been through a decent amount of shit.
I'm still alive.

This post I wrote actually is a lot of encouragement... It's kind of a "YOU CAN DO EET"-type post.
Read that too.

...

Yay! Hopefully reading that would have gotten you.. Pumped up. Sort of.
So! Back to my current post.

Those scars, those labels, those names they call you.. They won't last forever.
I can't outrun my past, I can't leave it behind.
That is what those scars do to you. They don't tell you who you are.
But they do tell you what you've been through.

That's a good thing! I mean.. That they tell you what you've been through.
They display the fact that..
"Yeah, I've been through shit. Shit that broke me down, tore me apart, ripped me to shreds, and tried to kill me. But guess what? I'm still here. I'm alive. I made it through hell, and I can keep going."
That's how I look at it.
My scars don't decide for me who I am, or who I will be.

They show that I've been through a lot, and that I'm strong enough that I've made it through!
That I'm still alive, even after life tried to take me down!
I'm stronger because of it.

You know what?
I made it. And you did too!
We're both alive, aren't we? Yes, we've felt pain more than others have.
We've fallen apart in the worst ways.

But.. We're here.
If people see your scars, if they judge you...
It's not worth it.
They're not even worth talking to.
If they can't wrap their mind around.. The fact that you've gone through pain, that you've been broken...
Ignore them. They don't know anything about you!

I'm repeating myself...
So I'll stop there.

The main gist of the post....

Yes, you've been through hell.
You've been in pain, pain so.. Strong that you've hurt yourself to feel a release.
But.. Those scars don't define you.
They don't change who you are!
They display what you've been through.
They're proof that you got in a fight, a civil war with your own self.
But you're alive. You're still here.

So.. Hang in there people. It'll get better..
Keep your chin up. You're alive, and you made it through your own personal hell.

Good job.. I'm proud of you.
Have a good day everybody.

If you feel like someone needs to read this.. Let them know.
Some people need a little encouragement sometimes.
: )

Thanks for reading!

-Nolan

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