Day 5: Ups and Downs

I'm blogging right now because I intend to sit down and refuse to move for the rest of the night.
Today was.. All over the place.
It was a very emotional day.

Ups and downs.
I heard some things I suppose I needed to hear, as painful as they were.
I also realized some things, which I guess I should have realized earlier.
About 45 minutes ago, I had a miniature panic attack.
I suppose it's good that I have learned to contain them better than I had before.
It's a valuable skill! I can now have small mental breakdowns in public.

Hooray.
I suppose that's useful?
I don't really care right now.

I got to hang out with my friend Liberty today! She moved to Washington in February, so it was pretty cool seeing her again. We sat down and talked about random stuff, then drove out to a park and.. Sat down and talked about random stuff. It was good. I liked seeing her.

So you know how my music choice is dependent on my mood?
I'm listening to Devil Wears Prada and Haste The Day.
I'm really not sure why.
I just... I don't know.
I'm in the mood to hear screaming and growling.
It might be that I need something to overload my brain and override all my other thoughts.
Music to push every other thought out of my head.
To relax me.
Lots of people don't understand that harder music can actually do that for people.
There was a study done where "metalheads" were surveyed, and an overwhelming majority of them said that listening to heavy music actually has a cathartic effect for them.. Fact of the day.

So I guess that's why I'm listening to it.
I just...

I don't know.
At all.
My brain is overloaded by so much.
It's kind of scaring me, to be honest.
The interesting thing is, I'm able to remind myself that no matter how I'm feeling, I'll be feeling completely different within the hour.

At least sometimes it works that way.
I'm hoping that's how it is right now.
I can't wait to relax and feel happy again.
Well, I suppose I am kind of calming down.

Okay, not really.
I'm just going through various exercises my therapist and I talked about.
Breathing, visualizing, etc.
It's kind of helping a little bit.
Little.

But I'm also talking to some close friends. Not really about anything.. Just.. Talking.
Which helps.
And focusing on this screaming and growling is really helping.
I'm kind of surprised. I'm focusing on how they're screaming and how the music is organized.
I really really like heavier music.
Now I remember why I listened to this 24 / 7 for a while.
I think I'm going to listen to some Suicide Silence. That should help.
Also, I'm going to drown myself in video games for the night.
Well, video games, and talking to my friends.
Ah well.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Sleep well everyone!

Have a good day.
-Nolan