I ended up thinking about hope.
I'm actually going to talk about the parts of hope I don't like, as well as the more.. Happy things.
I'm actually writing this right now at 12 in the afternoon, because I just want to get this stuff "on paper" so I don't forget about it.
Granted, it'd be hard for me to really forget it, because it's something that was keeping me up until 4 or so.
Have you ever had that time when you know you want to sleep, but you want to stay up and think?
Even if the things you're thinking about are painful for you, you still want to stay up and think, because you need to feel something, you need to know there's a world outside of your own head.
That's what was keeping me up.
Anyway.
Hope.
Prepare for lots of feels.
Let's see..
If I talk about the negative stuff first, then the ending of the blog will hopefully be happier.
So we're going to cover all the upsetting things first!
To me, hope is..
It's wonderful and terrible at the same time.
Terribly wonderful.
Do you ever.. Hope for something, but you know it won't happen?
You know, deep in your heart, that it'll never happen.
Ever.
But that doesn't stop your mind from constantly taking you to that little fantasy world where all your hopes and dreams come true.
It's almost.. Comforting to think about that.
Know what I mean?
Hmm..
Because usually when you think about something that you wish would happen, but won't, you feel upset.
But there's a point where the hope you feel is so strong that even when you know it won't happen, it still makes your heart feel fuzzy inside.
It won't happen, but the very thought of it cheers you up.
No matter how many times you tell yourself it's not going to happen, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get that hope out of your mind.
Your head constantly is telling your heart, "This is illogical, this has no chance of ever coming true. Ever. Be logical for once!"
But your heart just won't listen.
That happens to me. Every day. Every night.
It gets harder and harder each day.
My heart is kinda like the honey badger..
My heart don't give a shit.
My heart does what it wants!
And it really gets on my nerves sometimes!
Only a couple people have ever told me straight up that I need to "just stop being so emotional."
Obviously, it doesn't work that way for me.
I've tried, I honestly have. But being told to do something so difficult doesn't... It just doesn't work.
Even if I know I need to tone down my emotions, I can't figure it out.
It's something I've come to accept right now.
Honestly, my heart is one of the biggest things that defines me.
I'm not bragging or anything, I'm not claiming to have a better heart or something like that.
I'm just saying that... Well, my heart is unique. Once it settles on something, it will never go away, no matter how hard I try to make it shut up.
But anyway, back to hope.
It's truly one of mankind's most unique traits.
It's not.. Necessarily good all the time.
Getting your hopes up and having them ripped apart is one of the most painful things you can experience.
Feeling hope be forcefully shot down from your heart can break apart the strongest people.
Getting your hopes up over nothing is a pain that no one should have to experience.
Hope isn't logical. But sometimes, you need a little logic in your life.
Sometimes, you want logic to take control, instead of your emotions.
Your head keeps reminding you that you need to look at this objectively, that you need to be logical.
But like I said, your heart doesn't care.
This has been happening to me this week.
My heart.. I don't know.
It hasn't been cooperating with me.
I can't get it to shut up!
It keeps focusing on things I know won't happen.
It keeps.. A glimmer of hope inside, of things that will never happen, as long as I live.
And it's painful. It's hard.
But I put up with it.
Why?
. . . . . Well I don't exactly have a choice now, do I?
It's my head and heart, and I'm kind of stuck with them.
And I'm pretty sure you're stuck with yours.
It's hard.
Gets annoying after a while. Feeling all those feelings.
A lot of the time, hope just.. Hurts.
Sometimes you don't want that hope.
You don't want to feel something hopeful, because you don't want to be disappointed again.
You're tired of hope. You're tired of feeling excitement, of feeling joy over something, even though in the past, it's never happened.
Hope doesn't appeal to you, because you've never had luck. Because your hopes have always been dashed into pieces.
You tell yourself over and over again that you shouldn't get your hopes up.
You constantly remind yourself to look at this objectively, you tell yourself to be logical, because last time you followed your heart, that was the very reason your heart was broken.
You even bring up painful, terrible memories in order to prove to yourself that getting your hopes up is a mistake. Even if it makes you cry, even if it breaks you down, you purposely remind yourself of every time you got your hopes up, you remind yourself of every little heart breaking event you've ever felt.
You get desperate, because no matter what you think, say, or do, you can't avoid.. Feeling this hope that you're so scared of.
When you think about it, hope is really scary, isn't it?
It's almost like you want to control the future. You know you can't control it, but you still wish you could.
You want something to come out how you want it, not what the world wants.
Even if the future is unknown, you want something to be stable. You want something to look forward to.
Even when you fall apart, you still want something that can bring you together, than can make you whole again... But this isn't always the case. It's rare when the thing you want ends up happening the exact way you want it to.
Let's face it. Hope is common, but it's uncommon when the hope is founded on something concrete, on something that will happen.
However...
Having hope isn't always a bad thing.
Hope can be a wonderful, wonderful thing.
It can bring you from the darkness to the light.
It can make you smile when all you want to do is cry.
It can carry the weakest people through the strongest trials.
It can help you make it through the night.
When you're falling apart, it can bring you back together again.
I heard this on Family Guy, and.. It's just so perfect.
It's actually a deep thought, for a TV show full of fart jokes.
"Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope that is going to save us from who we once were."
Can you believe that came from Family Guy?
It's a wonderful little saying. I'd get it for a tattoo, if I didn't have to explain, "I heard it on Family Guy!"
I could always just say it was a quote from Seth Macfarlane, which it actually was.
Hmm......
Anyway.
So hope isn't all bad.
It can get you up in the morning.
It's the reason that you put up with all the daily shit, because you can feel yourself getting one day closer, 24 hours nearer to that thing you most desire.
And even if you know it won't happen... Even if it hurts to wish for it...
It can still make you happy. It can still wake you up, it can still help you through the day.
I.. I don't know how I feel about hope. It's a complicated thing.
Honestly, I just try to avoid thinking about it.
I have quite a few different hopes and dreams, and I only have confided in a few people about what those hopes and dreams actually are.
Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of those hopes or dreams will never come true.
And I realize this.
But I still get my hopes up.
Why?
Because there is that minuscule chance that it will come true.
I don't see them coming true anytime soon.
Or ever.
I can't say, "It doesn't hope to keep hurting", because we all know that's not true.
Hope does hurt sometimes. A lot of the time.
But even if it hurts... We can't deny that sometimes, hope feels good. That hope helps you smile.
Even if hoping just scares you even more, you can't say that hope hasn't made you feel stronger.
To some, hope is everything.
Some people have nothing. They hope for food, they hope for a warm place to sleep.
Things we take for granted, some people can't get in their wildest hopes and dreams.
We hope for things like... I don't know. We hope for stuff like a new car, or a new video game, or a new TV.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to guilt-trip you into looking at your hopes as a bad thing.
It's perfectly acceptable to hope for material things. It's completely fine to hope for things we don't need.
My point is... There are other people who hope for the little things in life. Something simple.
Food, shelter, friendship.
Sometimes, I think we need to take a step back and look at what we have.
Sometimes, the hopes you thought were so important, are small in the long run.
Just some food for thought.
This was very hard for me to explain haha.
I'm not sure how to put into words what "hope" is.
As usual, this was all just... Me rambling on about stuff that's on my mind.
If it helped you in any way, I'm glad!
The way I write kind of makes it sound like I'm talking to someone in person.
I'm not sure why I write that way... I guess it's just because I'm a personal person, so when I talk about something, I write it like I'm just having a conversation.
I use the "enter key" every 5 seconds was because I'm writing this the way I would say it.
With pauses and breaks.
If that makes sense.
Granted, I'm just staring at the screen blankly and putting black and white pixels on the internet for other people to look at.
But there is a lot of thought behind this all.
I'm not writing this for attention, and I'm not trying to pretend like I'm some deep thinker who deserves love.
. . . . . Alright, I like writing, and I like it when people read the things I write.
It gives me a small sense of fulfillment, knowing that I might have made someone think about something that they normally don't think about, that I might have made someone come to a conclusion about themselves that they needed to realize.
So, hopefully this whole speech actually did something for you.
And thanks for reading all of this.
One of my closest friends told me, "Expect the worst, hope for the best."
That's my advice for you today.
Whatever you're going through, whatever you're dreading, don't give up.
You can do this, even if it looks like you can't.
Keep up that hope. You may be surprised.
-Nolan
Interestingly enough, when I'm writing a big blog, I listen to music to help me feel what I'm writing about.
Today, this was the song I used.
It makes me feel hopeful.
It's hard to explain why.
But if you really, really know me, you probably will understand.
It's a secret though! Bwahahaha.
You'll never know. Unless I tell you.
It's a cute little song.
Hope it makes you smile!
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