10/30- Still sick!

Uhh. Still sick.
I don't really... Know what else to say.....

Yeeeeahhhhhhhhh...

On a positive note, my cleric and faith-based character on Dark Souls is going very well!

I'm off to sleep in a bit. Hopefully feel better when I wake up.

Night!

-Nolan

10/29- Still sick

Yeah..
I'm sick.

Slept until 4 or 5, then lounged around the house keeping myself busy.

I took my medication and for some reason it really hit me hard.
I'm out of it, loopy, and exhausted.

So, I'm going to go get some sleep.

Got class at 12:30.

Woo.

Nighty night folks.

-Nolan

Secret Bloop- Thoughts From A Half-Asleep Nolan, 2

Well, this is the second time I've done this.
Actually, I've done this quite a few times. I've stayed up written little random thoughts even after I've done my normal daily blog.

It's just not often that I actually post them.
I think I've posted a few.

Oh well.
Anyway.

Uhhhh.. Yeah. I'm tired. I'm half-asleep.

I just.. Didn't want to go to bed yet.
So I decided to take my meds, sit down, and randomly write on this blog until I get sleepy enough to go to bed.
It's 2:15 or so. I'll be asleep by 3. Maybe even 2:45.
Maybe even 2:30.
I'm not sure.

Ahh.. Let's see.
The title implies that I should actually write some thoughts down.

Hmmm. I don't really know what thoughts I have right now.

I'm just.. I'm not actually sure.
I've filled the last few days full of gaming, and I don't regret it.

Recently, I've felt like shit. So I've been.. Keeping myself busy. As much as possible.
There were times today when I just.. I had a few minutes when I wasn't doing anything. When I was truly inactive.
And I hated it. I just got bombarded with a bunch of mental... Things. I don't know what they were. But there were a lot of them, and they hurt.

Ouch.

I'm dizzy. And sleepy.
This means I should probably go get in bed and try to pass out.
But.. I don't know. Like I've said countless times, I don't want to sleep!
More specifically, I don't want to have to go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, being attacked by my own mind.

I'm assuming you all know that feeling too. It's not fun.

Memories are some of the weirdest things in existence.
Aren't they?

I mean.. Mental recreations of things that have happened before.
Some memories are good, some bad.
Some happy, some sad.

But like it or not, those memories are here to stay.
These memories have helped shape who you are, and they're things you have to live with.

Alright, I'm going to kick myself off my laptop in.. 15 minutes or so.

Sigh.

I have mixed feelings of this time.
I mean the few hours before I go to sleep.

I love and hate it for the same reason!
I love that I can sit and stop doing anything and be alone with my thoughts.
I also hate that. Because.... Well, I've explained countless times why I don't like it.

So I'm not sure why I'm still talking..
But, I figure, I started the blog, I might as well finish it.

Dear internet, why do I blog?
I actually ask myself this question quite a bit.

I still can't think of a good reason.
I could go with the stereotypical answer and say that I blog because I need someone to talk to, because no one else listens to me.
But that's not true.
I have people I can talk to, I have people who will listen if I call them.

But even so, I sometimes feel like.. I really don't know.
I feel like blogging about my day is different than telling to someone specifically.
Does that make sense?

If someone asked about my day, I wouldn't tell them things in the same way that I blog.
Not that I hide things from people, I just.. I talk to people differently than I blog.

I still write as if I'm talking to someone, but it.. It's just different.
I suppose the main thing would be because it's an entirely different medium.
This is electronic, typed, written on a screen, and delivered all at once with no interruption.

I also can get distracted on here.
For example, I'm watching Youtube videos and listening to music.

However, I'm also listening to music that won't make me happy.
I mean, it won't make me really sad or anything.
But a little upset.

But I kind of want that right now.
When it's late, I actually let myself become unhappy.
I'm not... I'm not quite sure actually.

I think the main reason is because it's almost comforting to me.
Isn't that weird?

I spend the entire day keeping myself distracted from my own thoughts, but then at night, I drown myself in those thoughts that I spent the day trying to avoid.
God, I'm such a weird person.
Seriously!

I amaze and confuse myself.
I'm not saying that in a douche-y way or anything. I'm not trying to make myself seem awesome.
I'm just saying.. I honestly confuse myself. And it amuses me because my mind is so weird!

This is weird.
I'm unhappy, but I'm fine with it.
I kind of like it right now.

Feeling upset is actually quite comforting right now.
I think it's just because I'm letting my mind go into memories from the past.

I'm happy that I'm kind of depressed. It's actually a good feeling right now.

It's time for Nolan to get some sleep.

Did you like that picture? I thought it was a good addition.

I was just going to write "and on that bombshell", but I figured the picture would work better.

So..

Yup.

I'm sick!

So I'm going to sleep.

Thanks for tuning into another episode of "Thoughts From A Half-Asleep Nolan", and I'm going to hit the 'publish' button before I think better of it.

Sleep well world!

Or good morning, if you're weird like that.

-Nolan

10/28- Bluurrgghh.

I'm sick.

It sucks.

I woke up pretty much feeling like shit.
So I've been sick all day.

Yay!

I'm just hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling at least a little better.
If not, well...
I'll have to miss a class.

It would be the first one that I miss this semester.
So.. Hopefully I feel well enough to go, but if I don't.. Well, it's not life-changing.
But I'll see if I'm feeling good enough when I wake up.

Today.. Hmm.

Even less eventful than usual.
Sleep, reading, gaming, sleeping..
Etc.

Uh.. Yeah.
That's all I have to say right now.

At least that I can think of.

I should go sleep soon.

Hmph.

I don't want to sleep.
Not in the mood.
Well, I will have to eventually.

Bye!

-Nolan

10/27- Uh.

Well... As usual, I don't have much to say.
I sat around, slept, read, ate... Slept..

Yeah.. That's.. Pretty much it.
That's the excitement of my life!

............

Yeah.
That's about it.

Night!

-Nolan

10/26- Fatal Frame!

Today, has been quite fantastic.

Class was alright, nothing exciting.

Ian came over around 7 or 8-ish, which was good.
He's still over!
So is Ben.

Basically, Ian and I were playing League of Legends for a long time.
The cool thing was, we were playing, and noticed one of the players had the prefix "Riot" to his character name.
The producer of the game is Riot Games, so... We noticed that we were playing with a Riot employee!
He was really, really cool, and his team was really fun to play with too.

It was fun, and we played a few games with them.
One of the funny things was, we started playing a game, and I chose to "jungle".
When you start, it's very item-dependent.
See, I started the game with the wrong item. So I felt very guilty and stupid!
The entire game, Ian and I made funny jokes to appease the Riot gods.

I commented that I felt stupid for buying the wrong item, and he said, "Oh, it's fine, this is just a live stream."

Without knowing, Ian and I had joined the team of 3 Riot employees, played games with them, and were featured on a live stream online!

And now, Ben and I are watching Ian play Fatal Frame 2!
We're curled up on the couch under a blanket, avoiding looking at the screen, and making jokes to nervously keep laughing.

Dear god it's terrifying.

We're all quite disturbed.

So after this, we're going to watch something absolutely hysterical so we don't cry ourselves to sleep.

Well, I'm off to be terrified and try not to cry.
And curl up next to Ben and cry terrified tears.

Night!

-Nolan

10/25- Sleep.. Wasn't very nice.

Let's see... Today wasn't good, wasn't bad.
The evening was very bad though.

After class, I came home and sat around, watched some Netflix, did some reading, played some video games.

I stopped and looked at the time, then guessed when I was going to sleep tonight.
I.. Got very upset. Because I didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't have anything to do.

So I took a nap.
Which didn't go over well.
I had really, really bad dreams, and woke up crying.

It was actually really interesting to me.
I had the chance to try and analyze my own dreams.
I mean, I'm taking it with a grain of salt, so I'm not trying to really really analyze everything about it.
But it was really interesting! I kind of caught on to the imagery and metaphors my own mind was using.

But, it did suck.
Waking up crying. Having nightmares.
Not fun.

So I drove out to King Sooper's to get some chocolate to help feel better, which I did. And it helped.

I settled down and basically.. Kept doing what I would have normally.
I just have to realize that I won't be able to hang out with people every single night, and it's okay for me to.. Be lazy, as long as it doesn't hurt me.

Yeah..
I'm feeling alright now.
Not good, not bad.

On the upside, I beat the final boss in Dark Souls for the 2nd time.
So I'm on NG++ now.
Third playthrough.
Yay!

I'm seeking advice on Reddit for the weapons and other things that I need to know about.

Uhhhhh....
I guess that's it.

Tomorrow, people are spending the night! Yay!

-Nolan

10/24- So.. Much.. Swearing..

GAAAHHHHH.

So, normally, before bed, I accomplish something in the video game, so I can be at a stopping point before I go to sleep.
But tonight..

I COULDN'T BEAT THE DAMN FINAL BOSS.
In Dark Souls.

I mean, it's my 2nd playthrough, and.. Damn. He's brutal.
So...

I was swearing at my Xbox for a good 2 hours.
I came upstairs and angrily grabbed some water.
My mom kind of looked at me sideways and said, "So... Having fun?"
Apparently, my exclaims, abundance of swear words, and creative expletives were all louder than I thought.

But.. I maintain that it's fun.
It's a game that really, really gets under my skin. Not enough to make me quit, but enough to piss me off and make me try harder.

It's bothering me.
I guess I'll beat him tomorrow.
Frickin... Ass.
I'd flip a table if I had a table to flip that didn't have my laptop on it.

Oh well.

Hmmm. Aside from that..
My day was pretty normal. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Which is good, I suppose. I haven't been in the best of moods lately.
Not for any reason, just.. Tired. Of everything.

Today is Thursday...
Today, then tomorrow.
Tomorrow night, friends are spending the night.
I really, really, really need some friends over.

Nobody came over last weekend, so I've been feeling all.. Blehh.
Hopefully I'll make it to Friday.

Let's see..
I can't think of anything super-exciting that's happening.

I need to go back to doing some reading in the Qur'an for my World Literature class.
And I get to write a one-page response to it.
So...

I'm going to get back to that.

Note: I love my friends.
I'll leave it at that.

Night!

-Nolan

10/23- Eh.

Well, I'm still feeling iffy.

I don't feel like talking though.

Nighty night.

-Nolan

10/22- Yet again, .....

Well, once again, I have no idea of what to say.
Today was another one of those days that just.. Breezed by.
It came and went.

I don't remember anything that happened, so... I don't.. Know.. What.. To.. Blog........ About..

Uhhhh.

I don't have any good thoughts either.
Tonight, I'm just liking my ability to sit in front of the tv, play some games, listen to some music, and talk with friends.

That's what I've been doing, and I'm okay with that.

So.. I suppose that's it.

Good night!

-Nolan

10/21- .....

I have nothing to say right now.

Today was alright.

Well, I don't know how today was.
I spent the day keeping myself distracted.

More and more, I'm finding I hate being alone.

I've been playing so many video games, I've been listening to so much music, I've been watching so much stuff on Netflix..

I'm keeping myself busy 24/7.
Which is working, for the most part.

Except there are times when I see something on Facebook, I hear something from someone, or I just...
I don't know.
I feel fine, but in the space of two seconds, I feel like shit again.
It really gets old.

You know?
Having a strain on your emotions so strong that it changes them, sending them up and down, all within minutes.

I suppose it's part of who I am, so it's something I've come to accept.
I may not like it, but I have to live with it.

And just like that, I feel fine again.
Strange.

Well, I'm going to mention tattoos, because I've been thinking about them.

I'd love to get a full back piece, but I don't have any good plans yet.
The ones that I know I'm going to get are all pretty simple.

1. "Life is the fine art of keeping your balance."

I'm getting that across my back shoulders. It's something my mom said.

2. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Chinese proverb. Getting it done down my side. The infamous rib tattoo. Yay!

3. This one I'm debating.. A small tattoo of a great white shark.

No, this isn't just a random thing to pretend like I'm manly. My mom has sent me a picture of a shark numerous times to cheer me up, because a shark has to keep moving. Which is always my problem, because when I stop moving, things get worse. So, reminding myself to be like a shark actually helps sometimes.
Still thinking if that would be a good one.

4. To Write Love On Her Arms

This one, I'm also not sure of.
I have a very deep and personal connection with the subject of self-harm, as this blog will tell you.
And I'm.. I suppose you could say a recovering addict.
When it comes to things that bother me enough to speak up, self-harm and suicide is one of them.
On Facebook recently, a picture came up that was poking fun at a recent suicide by trying to almost one-up them by saying how much worse their life was.

To date, that picture is the only one that  has pissed me off enough to speak up and be indignant.

But anyway.. Yes, I have a deep connection with this type of thing. And I absolutely adore the TWLOHA movement. So I'd love to get a tattoo of that, maybe somewhere small, maybe on a bicep or lower back.

All of these things are.. I suppose you could say "subject to change", so nothing is exactly set in stone.
And plus, all these require money, which I don't have any of.

Interestingly enough, I might actually have a slim chance of getting a job to work at Tulip in the mall.
I've been already (jokingly) ridiculed for.. Well, for considering working at a clothing store for girls.
But I maintain that it's not creepy. Because the clothes there aren't really just.. Cutesy for little girls and stuff.
I mean.. I don't know. It has a little more style, so the clothes are more geared towards.. I don't know! Teenagers and college students. At least, that's what it seems like to me.. I could be wrong, and I could totally be creepy, but I don't think it is.

And plus.. I'd love to work in an environment like that. Being able to help the customer decide what to buy, and giving an opinion on what they picked out, and make suggestions to try and help? I'd love to work somewhere like that. I mean, Plato's didn't like me enough, sadly.
But I just.. I don't know. I think it's a job I could enjoy doing.
I'd just have to get past the "Oh my god you work at a clothing store for teenage girls you PEDO."
I'd have to get past that.
But hey, a job's a job. So I'm hoping.

Alright, it's that time you've been not waiting for, Nerd Time!

SO. I've given Dark Souls a break for a few weeks, so as not to get too tired of the game and stop playing altogether. I was on Reddit, browsing the Dark Souls section, which totally got me in the mood to play it again. So I did.

I've picked up Dark Souls again, which is going very well!
I'm on my second playthrough, so I'm still learning.
But I think I'm doing alright.
My weapons are pretty damn good, which is making this easier than it would have been, if I hadn't have done research on how to upgrade and stuff.

However, I'm still working on my "standard loadout" so to speak.
I'm endlessly adjusting my armor, and seeing what works best.
I'm currently comparing and doing research on what armor I'm going to upgrade.
Interestingly enough, how it looks is a major factor for me.
I mean, some of the best armor in the game is Smough's Armor Set, but look how it looks..

NASTY.
I'm mixing and matching right now, debating what I'm going to upgrade.
This playthrough, I intend to fully upgrade a single armor set into +10.
It's going to take a lot of time, so I have to make sure I pick the right armor to put all those resources into.

To this day, the most frustrating boss fight I've ever had was the Executioner Smough and Dragonslayer Ornstein fight. It PISSES ME OFFFFFFFFF.
But I did it today, and it only took maybe.. 7 or 8 tries.
I experimented with a bunch of armor and weapon combinations, and a majority of them were so slow.
I could block every attack, but I'd immediately be murdered because Ornstein kept spamming this lightning bolt that would go through my armor.
So, I equipped my lightest armor, heaviest shield, and this ring that makes all your dodge rolls flips, which makes it faster.

And I kind of dominated the fight.
I was able to block everything with my epic shield, but I could dodge through everything else, and my mobility was ridiculous.
So that's what I'm basing my strategy off of.
Heavy shield, heavy-ish weapon, light armor.

That's why I'm calculating a bunch of stuff before I make a decision.
Uh..

That's it for now I suppose.
I'm not tired, so I'm going to go do some farming and armor adjusting in Dark Souls, then get some sleep.

Nerd Time over.

Yay! Nerd time gave me something to talk about, kind of made me feel better.

Well, I suppose that's it for the night.

Sleep well everybody!

-Nolan

10/20- Party! Night 2.

Yes! Tonight is another party!

Not exactly.

Aaron came over for the night.
So it's kind of a party!

It's fun.
No one else showed up.

But we're having fun!
So that's good.

Ah well.

Night!

-Nolan

10/19- Party!

Yes! My party is going on right now!
Me, Frankie, and Ellie were all chilling in the basement, watching Netflix and playing video games.
Frankie went up to her little kennel to sleep.
So now Ellie and I are still hanging around.

I'm kind of like a crazy cat person.
But I have two dogs.

And we do nothing.
And it's fun!

Today.. Hmm..
Not bad, not good. As usual.

When I log into the Blogger Dashboard, I get upset.
There's a blog that I follow that updated, and some of the things that were written made me sad.
So I avoid hanging around the Dashboard as much as possible.

Hopefully I have a couple friends coming over tomorrow.
Hopefully.

I definitely hope so.

I'm feeling all.. Bleeehhhhhhhh.

Not too good.
But that's okay.
I've been doing as much as possible to keep myself distracted.
Which is working alright.

Well, I'm off to play more then eventually go to sleep.

Bye!

-Nolan

10/18- Today, I have decided not to think!

Yup.
This is my entire day!
I don't feel like thinking..
Tired.
Lazy.

Not bad, which is good!
I woke up, and.. I don't remember.
I went to class, obviously.
My stomach was upset all day.. It sucked.
Let's see... Went to class, came home..
Jessi and I went for a short drive.

Came home again..
Aaron came over!
Well, he came over around 9 or so.
We played some games, annnnnnnd.. He passed out around 10:30 or 11-ish.
Still knocked out.
He looks so innocent when he's asleep.

Hmmm.
I've looked at my emotional life recently, and I've figured out how I deal with things!
Yes, I'm going to compare it to a video game, because that's the easiest way I can describe it.
I fight my problems like I play Monster Hunter..
If the problem is easy enough to take on, I can charge and BEAT IT INTO SUBMISSION.

But if the emotional stress is too high.. I basically just take it on little bits at a time.
If it gets too stressful, I just distract myself and back off for a bit.
When I feel strong enough, I take it on again.
It may take me a long time to get over some of my problems, but I do eventually get over them.
I do eventually make it.

It's just rough.
This is why I constantly have to be doing something.
I need to be listening to music, talking to friends, playing video games, reading, writing stories, or sleeping.
I don't ever let myself just.. Stop.
I've been told that it's almost stupid how much I play video games.
I know that I play them more than almost anyone I know.
Yes, I enjoy them, yes, they're fun, blah blah blah.
But if I were to be honest with myself, I play them because I can't bear to be left alone with my own thoughts.

So there's my little comment..
That's why I game so much, why I listen to so much music, and why I hate being left alone.

Yay!
I talked about me!

Uhh... I only have one class tomorrow, and it's at 12.
I'm so excited.
I get to go home extra-early.
This week was.. Rough.

Hm.
I seem to be saying that every week.
Every week just seems to get worse and worse, except for small bits that are fun.

Well hey, I'm still alive!
More or less.

It's the last maybe.. 3 or 4 hours I'm awake that are the weirdest.
Not always bad, not always good.
But the thing is, I absolutely hate going to sleep.
Because it's the only time of the day when my mind is completely inactive.
Well, not physically.. You know what I mean.
It's the only time of day when I can't be actively doing something.
And on top of that, I don't want to dream.
My dreams seem to enjoy tackling and beating me into submission.

Well, I'm going back to watching Sgt. Frog, creeping on Aaron while he sleeps, and playing some League of Legends!
Then I'll play some Street Fighter to make me pass out.

Nighty night!

-Nolan

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Paul's 'stache disapproves of your internet history.

10/17- I really need a social life.

As is customary, the title says it all.

I really do need a social life.. I need friends.

Correction.

I have amazing friends.

I love my friends.

I just need to find new people to go out and do stuff with.

Hmm.

Today was.. I don't know.

It kind of all breezed together at once. 

It was all one big blur.

Wasn't bad, I suppose.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yeah.. That's all I got. 

I'm kind of feeling lazy.

So I'll talk to you all later.

-Nolan

10/16- Hmmmmm.

I don't exactly have a good thing to talk about right now.
Today was alright.

My moods have been all over the place!
However, I think I'm doing okay right now.

Didn't do much today..
Class, home, sleep.. More sleep..
Yeah.

This week is up in the air, I'm not quite sure how it'll be.
Hopefully not as rough as the weekend was.

So... Yeahhhhh..
I'm off to be lazy.
Probably play some League before I go to bed.

Hm.. Yeah.

Night!

-Nolan

10/15- Terrible morning, good night!

Well, today had it's ups and downs.
It was most definitely crazy.

The morning was absolutely.. Terrible.
Atrocious. Horrible!

It wasn't good. In case you couldn't tell.

However, the day got better as it went on.
I went and got lunch with Caleb, which was awesome.
I went and took a midterm, that wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

I got home and basically sat around for a bit.
Ian came over around 8 or 9ish, and we played some video games and such!
It was really fun.

Then, Lizzi gave me a call and invited Ian and I to go hang out with her and Sara!
It was really fun!
We went around town and just had some fun, making inappropriate jokes and laughing at things that not many people would find funny.

Then we headed over to Algier's and smoked some hookah!
Aaron came by and picked up Ian, and they hung out for a bit while I was smoking with Lizzi and Sara.
I loved it! I haven't been to a hookah bar in forever.
I almost learned how to blow smoke rings.. Almost.
We just sat and talked and made.. Interesting jokes that, again, not many people would find funny.
We also met this really sweet gay guy named Josh! He was so sweet and we talked for a bit, which was nice.

Then Ian and Aaron and I all went to my place to spend the night playing video games and watching Tremors!
Terrible movie.

There were lots and lots of laughs.
I definitely needed this kind of relaxation.

Hopefully, Lizzi Sara and I might go smoke hookah again sometime soon.
Sadly, Ian is going back to Mines tomorrow, so we won't be able to hang out together until Thanksgiving.
But Aaron will still be here!

Hmm.
I think that's really it.

I had a good day overall.

Adios!

-Nolan

10/14- Also Blech.

Today was also the same as yesterday..
It just sucked.

I slept until around 1 or so, then woke up to study.
I spent a majority of the day studying and listening to music.
I went to sleep around 4, woke up at 7 or 7:30 ish.

I don't know why today was so bad. It just was.
You know?

Meh. I don't know.
I'm laying with my head on my desk, eyes closed, listening to mucis.
I don't know why I'm so.. Blehhh today.
All weekend.
Well, I do know. There's actually a lot of reasons I'm feeling bleh.
But it'd take up a good three or four pages to write it all.

BLEHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm just not in the mood to deal with people right now.
Which is probably good, considering I'm cooped up in my room with a blanket on, listening to music.
p
Sigh.
I'm just..
Yeah. Not happy tonight.
Usually, I actually do alright.
But not last night, and not tonight.

It's just one of those months I suppose.
Oh well. It'll go away. Time keeps ticking, no matter what. Life will go on.

Alright, I'm done. I don't want to be on my computer right now.
I'm going to try and sleep.

That's a lie. I can't sleep right now.
I'm going to stay up and listen to music.

Night.

-Nolan

EDIT:

I made a funny. It may suck, but I thought it was funny.
Photoshop skills: Level 100

10/13- Blech.

I've been feeling sick all day. It sucks.

Well, my day was sucky anyway.
Not much happened.
I spent the day curled up on the couch, watching Netflix and listening to music.
I couldn't really get up the motivation to play any video games. I played Dark Souls for maybe 30 minutes.

I'm not sure why today was so.. Disappointing.
I really don't. I just..

Grr. I don't know.
Just a sick sense of dread was in my gut.
The entire day, I felt like I knew something terrible was going to happen.
Well, I've been feeling that way for a few days now.
It's stressing me out.

Now that I think of it, I woke up depressed, because my dreams were exceptionally depressing and weird.
You know that feeling when you wake up and all you can think is,
"Damn, did someone drug me while I was asleep?"
"Dafuq did I just dream?"

I actually said the second one when I woke up.
My dreams were just so...
All over the place.

They were all so random and seemed like they had nothing to do with each other, like random thoughts connected.
But oddly enough.. I sat for a good half hour after I woke up, just thinking about them.
I managed to connect them all and figure out why they were so upsetting.
And I dreamed about the future!
And I was right.
Which wasn't exactly a good thing.

Maybe I'm a crazy awesome fortune teller!
Fancy.
Maybe I should start charging people to tell their future.

Which wouldn't exactly work.. Considering I barely can even tell what I was dreaming when I wake up.

Oh well!
I'll make my own dream world!

Hehe.
Bender.

I was going to go on a spree and put in Youtube links to all the songs I've been listening to, but...
Decided not to.

They're all very.. Okay, not all of them are depressing.
But I'm too lazy to put in all the ones I've been listening to.
Seriously.

Too many songs.

I'm getting tired of the political ads on Youtube.
Well, I'm tired of them being everywhere.

Politics!
Woo.
The ads are like watching kids tell on each other to their parents.
Gets annoying.

I just hit myself in the face with my metal water bottle.
Well done, sir.

Just watch. It'll happen again later.

Oddly enough, I'm feeling... Blog-gy.

I feel like writing about random stuff, and just kind of.. Talking.
"Talking" in a very loose sense of the word.
Typing to all you.. Five or six people that read these.

Odds are, I actually know all of you personally, and you most likely know where I live.
Which is.. Strange. Odd. Now I'm terrified of stalkers. Yay!

Also, when blogging, I feel most comfortable typing on the laptop. I have a mouse and keyboard set up on my desk, and that's usually what I use when I'm doing stuff on my laptop.
But when I'm blogging, I close the little drawer thing that has my keyboard and mouse, and just lean over the desk and type on the laptop.
Maybe that's more of a habit than anything else.
I started blogging before I had my mouse and keyboard hooked up.
Weird.

Oh! I've also realized something interesting.
So I'm on medication and such, right?
Something that I've heard is that some people take Seroquel and use it like a drug, because it gets them high.

I always thought that was stupid, because.. Well, I take it every night, so I would realize if it made me feel high, right? I always take it then forget about it, so I've never noticed anything weird.
A couple days ago, I took it then decided to sit down and actually see what I feel.
Turns out, it actually does make me really out of it, and kind of loopy.
I've just grown so accustomed to taking it then falling asleep, that I never thought about what happens in between those two events.

So I guess I just never realized that it's not just making me tired, it's also making me feel loopy and out of it.
Fact of the day!

Hmm... While I'm feeling chatty, what else do I want to say..

I think we need to bring back this dancing style.

Totally want to go to a club with someone else and dance like this.

Ah darn. I watched a Youtube video of these guys performing a song, and I started crying.
My own mind betrays me!

Hehe. Kitty.

I'm really not sure what the hell is up with  me right now.
I'm bored. And I really do NOT want to go to sleep. I'm worried where my dreams will take me.

So I'm trying to find things to distract myself with until I pass out.

I'll stay here and annoy you all a bit longer.

Oh dammit.

I have a playlist on Youtube of my favorite music videos or musical displays, and the next 3 are ones that make me cry my eyes out.

ALRIGHTY THEN. We're skipping those.

Oh!

I want money.

I want to get my tattoos started. I have a few of them planned out, but.. Flat broke.

Can't find a job. Lame. I have more ideas of what I want to get done, but.. Yeah. Money.

One of these days.

Alright.. I'm getting dizzy and emotional.

I'm tired of being awake and having to put up with my thoughts.

So it's bed time.

Hope this super-exciting-happy-fun-time-go-go blog was interesting!

Nighty night.

-Nolan

10/12- I've got a lovely bunch of... Sunny D.

Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration.
I have 1.. Gallon? Liter? Of Sunny D.
Not sure.

I'm only drinking a small glass right now. Gotta ration that stuff.

Today was actually pretty good.
Class was... Not good. I didn't enjoy it. At all.
Kind of sucked.

After class, I went home and hung around.. Being lazy.
Then my dad and I went to see Looper! It was really good.
For a time-traveling movie, it was easy to follow. Which.. Was kind of cool.
I mean, I enjoy a movie that's a complete mind f*ck.

Like Inception.
It was actually not as confusing as I thought it was going to be, but it was still cool.

Anyway.
I liked Looper! It was sufficiently action-y.

Afterwards, I went home and sat around.
I definitely needed some company. Didn't want to sit around alone.
So I went and got coffee with Christine around.. 11? 12?
I'm not sure.
But anyway.

We went and got coffee, then we hung out with Caleb too!
We all went and had a good venting session.
Then went to Wal-Mart and tried on silly hats and such.
I got Sunny D!
Yum.

Uhh.. That's it I think.
My mood has been all.. *Jack Sparrow hand motions*
If you know what I mean by that, well done.

If not.. Well you're just not cool like that!
So there.

Overall, today was.. Eh.
Stage 1: Bad
Stage 2: Okay
Stage 3: Good
Stage 3.5: Horrible
Stage 4: Good!

So that's a semi-positive score!
I'm going to stay happy the rest of the night. That's my goal.

Watching Eddie Izzard, having some chocolate, gonna play some Street Fighter so I can kind of unwind..
Yes.
Should be okay.

Night!

-Nolan

10/11- Sigh.

Yeah I don't know how today was.
Not very good.

Not terrible, but not good.

I'm hoping this weekend will be better.
Hopefully!

Oh well.

Night!

-Nolan

10/10- Lack of title.

<Cleverness>

As usual, I don't exactly know what to write about.
Not much has happened.

Class, home.. Games..
Aaron came over!

Video games, music, blah blah.

Today was alright.
Hmmm. I think that's really it.

Good night!

-Nolan

</Cleverness>

10/9- Faceplant.

Well, I faceplanted today while longboarding.

Alright, didn't faceplant.
But I fell and skinned my palm. Hurt like hell.

On another note, I completed my first play through of Dark Souls!
70 some hours.

Not too bad.
This time, I'm going to do some stuff differently.
Should be fun.

Uh..
That's it for now.

Good night!

-Nolan

10/8- Sonic Shake!

Today was.. Alright. It was a normal day.

Class, came home.
Etc etc.

I beat a couple bosses that were pissing me off in Dark Souls, so.. That was actually a great feeling.

Later, Lizzi actually called me up, and we went to coffee.
Well, we went to Sonic and got a shake. Because she's never had a shake from Sonic, so we obviously had to do that.
And she loved it. Woo!
We just drove around and did a lot of talking.
Listened to a very wide variety of music, which was fun as well.
It was a good night.

Tomorrow, I might get together with Aaron to hang out, game, play music.. Etc.

So yeah!
I guess that's it for now.

I need to get some sleep.

I love you all.

Good night.
-Nolan

10/7- Eh.

Today was.. A normal day.
Sleep, reading, schoolwork, Netflix.

Same as always.

So, I'm... I'm bored!
I'm going to watch stuff on Netflix and be lazy.

Good night!

-Nolan

10/6- That's my secret Cap...

My jimmies are always rustled.

I watched the Avengers today!
I can't say I made that picture.
But it amuses me.

I've been doing nothing all day really.
Just been lazy.

Uh..
Yeah.

I'm hoping tomorrow I can get coffee with friends or something.

Night.

-Nolan

10/5- Birthday Party!

Today, I didn't have class until 2, so I slept in.

Then I went to class.

Came home, then went to James' house for his birthday party!
It was really fun.
Ian, Aaron, James, and Caleb all came back to my house.
I've really missed Ian and James.
I'm so happy they came over.

I've been doing pretty well at distracting myself.
Which I'm glad about.

So, I'm going back to play League with them!
I'll see you all later (:

-Nolan

10/4- No sleep!

Hooray! I don't have class until 2 today.

So I'm going to stay up late and sleep in.

I got A LOT accomplished in Dark Souls today.

Granted, that doesn't mean anything to 99% of you, but I had fun.
I also finished the most difficult boss battle I've ever had.
Hooray!

Uhhh...Yeah.
Tomorrow should be fun!
I'm excited to hang with my friends.

Woo!

I've figured out, if I just keep myself constantly busy, I don't get too upset.
So I'm doing as much stuff as possible.

Night night.

-Nolan

10/3- So. Much. Swearing.

Today was just like every other day.
Nothing really.. New happened.

Woke up, went to class. Spent 99c at Taco Bell with Caleb, got some food.
Played some Monster Hunter in between classes..

Went to class.
Came home, sat around.
Did some reading for my Literature class.

Game of the day is.. Surprise, Dark Souls!
God.. I love and hate this game.

Honestly, I get more frustrated with Monster Hunter than Dark Souls.
Monster Hunter, when you die, it takes another 15 minutes to get back to doing what you were doing.
Dark Souls, the game is BASED around dying.
So it's a little more streamlined, and things happen faster.

Except for this stupid Sen's Fortress level I was stuck on.
So many swears were used at this stupid level.
In the 15ish hours I have played, I haven't missed a single special weapon.
Except.. I missed the first one today. Sigh.

However... Some video games have things like "New Game Plus".
When you beat the game, the enemies scale up and you can do the game again, with the same items you beat the game with.

Well, Dark Souls kind of... Dominated that trend.
It has "New Game + + + + + + + "

Essentially, you can play the game 8 times in a row, and still make it a challenge.
So I'll probably be on this game for a long time.
I'm getting better at it!

Let's see.. That was actually my day.
Aaron came over around 9.
He keeps me company a lot.
He really is one of my closest friends.

He passed out around midnight.

But it's still fun having a friend over for the night.

Recently, the male population have been pissing me off.
Some of my closest friends are.. Hurt by the men in their lives.
And I get so damn frustrated.

Granted, I'm not perfect.
At all.

Not even close.
Nope.

But.. I make an effort not to be a pain in the ass, and I try not to hurt people.

I... It just frustrates me.
It's not fair to anyone, that anyone should be so hurtful.

I know, "life isn't fair".
I know that.

It doesn't mean I have to like it.

I love my friends.
I just wish I could help them more.

-Nolan

10/2- Hope.

Well, I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I was just.. Laying there, awake, trapped in my thoughts.

I ended up thinking about hope.

I'm actually going to talk about the parts of hope I don't like, as well as the more.. Happy things.

I'm actually writing this right now at 12 in the afternoon, because I just want to get this stuff "on paper" so I don't forget about it.
Granted, it'd be hard for me to really forget it, because it's something that was keeping me up until 4 or so.

Have you ever had that time when you know you want to sleep, but you want to stay up and think?
Even if the things you're thinking about are painful for you, you still want to stay up and think, because you need to feel something, you need to know there's a world outside of your own head.

That's what was keeping me up.
Anyway.

Hope.

Prepare for lots of feels.

Let's see..
If I talk about the negative stuff first, then the ending of the blog will hopefully be happier.
So we're going to cover all the upsetting things first!

To me, hope is..
It's wonderful and terrible at the same time.
Terribly wonderful.

Do you ever.. Hope for something, but you know it won't happen?
You know, deep in your heart, that it'll never happen.
Ever.
But that doesn't stop your mind from constantly taking you to that little fantasy world where all your hopes and dreams come true.

It's almost.. Comforting to think about that.
Know what I mean?

Hmm..
Because usually when you think about something that you wish would happen, but won't, you feel upset.
But there's a point where the hope you feel is so strong that even when you know it won't happen, it still makes your heart feel fuzzy inside.
It won't happen, but the very thought of it cheers you up.

No matter how many times you tell yourself it's not going to happen, no matter how hard you try, you just can't get that hope out of your mind.
Your head constantly is telling your heart, "This is illogical, this has no chance of ever coming true. Ever. Be logical for once!"
But your heart just won't listen.
That happens to me. Every day. Every night.
It gets harder and harder each day.

My heart is kinda like the honey badger..
My heart don't give a shit.
My heart does what it wants!

And it really gets on my nerves sometimes!
Only a couple people have ever told me straight up that I need to "just stop being so emotional."
Obviously, it doesn't work that way for me.
I've tried, I honestly have. But being told to do something so difficult doesn't... It just doesn't work.
Even if I know I need to tone down my emotions, I can't figure it out.
It's something I've come to accept right now.

Honestly, my heart is one of the biggest things that defines me.
I'm not bragging or anything, I'm not claiming to have a better heart or something like that.
I'm just saying that... Well, my heart is unique. Once it settles on something, it will never go away, no matter how hard I try to make it shut up.

But anyway, back to hope.

It's truly one of mankind's most unique traits.

It's not.. Necessarily good all the time.

Getting your hopes up and having them ripped apart is one of the most painful things you can experience.
Feeling hope be forcefully shot down from your heart can break apart the strongest people.
Getting your hopes up over nothing is a pain that no one should have to experience.

Hope isn't logical. But sometimes, you need a little logic in your life.
Sometimes, you want logic to take control, instead of your emotions.
Your head keeps reminding you that you need to look at this objectively, that you need to be logical.
But like I said, your heart doesn't care.

This has been happening to me this week.
My heart.. I don't know.
It hasn't been cooperating with me.
I can't get it to shut up!
It keeps focusing on things I know won't happen.
It keeps.. A glimmer of hope inside, of things that will never happen, as long as I live.
And it's painful. It's hard.

But I put up with it.
Why?

. . . . . Well I don't exactly have a choice now, do I?
It's my head and heart, and I'm kind of stuck with them.
And I'm pretty sure you're stuck with yours.
It's hard.
Gets annoying after a while. Feeling all those feelings.

A lot of the time, hope just.. Hurts.

Sometimes you don't want that hope.
You don't want to feel something hopeful, because you don't want to be disappointed again.
You're tired of hope. You're tired of feeling excitement, of feeling joy over something, even though in the past, it's never happened.
Hope doesn't appeal to you, because you've never had luck. Because your hopes have always been dashed into pieces.

You tell yourself over and over again that you shouldn't get your hopes up.
You constantly remind yourself to look at this objectively, you tell yourself to be logical, because last time you followed your heart, that was the very reason your heart was broken.

You even bring up painful, terrible memories in order to prove to yourself that getting your hopes up is a mistake. Even if it makes you cry, even if it breaks you down, you purposely remind yourself of every time you got your hopes up, you remind yourself of every little heart breaking event you've ever felt.
You get desperate, because no matter what you think, say, or do, you can't avoid.. Feeling this hope that you're so scared of.

When you think about it, hope is really scary, isn't it?
It's almost like you want to control the future. You know you can't control it, but you still wish you could.
You want something to come out how you want it, not what the world wants.
Even if the future is unknown, you want something to be stable. You want something to look forward to.
Even when you fall apart, you still want something that can bring you together, than can make you whole again... But this isn't always the case. It's rare when the thing you want ends up happening the exact way you want it to.

Let's face it. Hope is common, but it's uncommon when the hope is founded on something concrete, on something that will happen.

However...
Having hope isn't always a bad thing.
Hope can be a wonderful, wonderful thing.

It can bring you from the darkness to the light.
It can make you smile when all you want to do is cry.
It can carry the weakest people through the strongest trials.
It can help you make it through the night.
When you're falling apart, it can bring you back together again.

I heard this on Family Guy, and.. It's just so perfect.
It's actually a deep thought, for a TV show full of fart jokes.

"Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope that is going to save us from who we once were."

Can you believe that came from Family Guy?
It's a wonderful little saying. I'd get it for a tattoo, if I didn't have to explain, "I heard it on Family Guy!"
I could always just say it was a quote from Seth Macfarlane, which it actually was.
Hmm......
Anyway.

So hope isn't all bad.

It can get you up in the morning.
It's the reason that you put up with all the daily shit, because you can feel yourself getting one day closer, 24 hours nearer to that thing you most desire.

And even if you know it won't happen... Even if it hurts to wish for it...
It can still make you happy. It can still wake you up, it can still help you through the day.

I.. I don't know how I feel about hope. It's a complicated thing.
Honestly, I just try to avoid thinking about it.

I have quite a few different hopes and dreams, and I only have confided in a few people about what those hopes and dreams actually are.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of those hopes or dreams will never come true.
And I realize this.
But I still get my hopes up.

Why?
Because there is that minuscule chance that it will come true.
I don't see them coming true anytime soon.
Or ever.

I can't say, "It doesn't hope to keep hurting", because we all know that's not true.
Hope does hurt sometimes. A lot of the time.

But even if it hurts... We can't deny that sometimes, hope feels good. That hope helps you smile.

Even if hoping just scares you even more, you can't say that hope hasn't made you feel stronger.

To some, hope is everything.
Some people have nothing. They hope for food, they hope for a warm place to sleep.
Things we take for granted, some people can't get in their wildest hopes and dreams.
We hope for things like... I don't know. We hope for stuff like a new car, or a new video game, or a new TV.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to guilt-trip you into looking at your hopes as a bad thing.
It's perfectly acceptable to hope for material things. It's completely fine to hope for things we don't need.

My point is... There are other people who hope for the little things in life. Something simple.
Food, shelter, friendship.

Sometimes, I think we need to take a step back and look at what we have.
Sometimes, the hopes you thought were so important, are small in the long run.

Just some food for thought.

This was very hard for me to explain haha.
I'm not sure how to put into words what "hope" is.

As usual, this was all just... Me rambling on about stuff that's on my mind.

If it helped you in any way, I'm glad!
The way I write kind of makes it sound like I'm talking to someone in person.
I'm not sure why I write that way... I guess it's just because I'm a personal person, so when I talk about something, I write it like I'm just having a conversation.


I use the "enter key" every 5 seconds was because I'm writing this the way I would say it.
With pauses and breaks.

If that makes sense.


Granted, I'm just staring at the screen blankly and putting black and white pixels on the internet for other people to look at.
But there is a lot of thought behind this all.
I'm not writing this for attention, and I'm not trying to pretend like I'm some deep thinker who deserves love.


. . . . . Alright, I like writing, and I like it when people read the things I write.
It gives me a small sense of fulfillment, knowing that I might have made someone think about something that they normally don't think about, that I might have made someone come to a conclusion about themselves that they needed to realize.

So, hopefully this whole speech actually did something for you.

And thanks for reading all of this.

One of my closest friends told me, "Expect the worst, hope for the best."
That's my advice for you today.

Whatever you're going through, whatever you're dreading, don't give up.
You can do this, even if it looks like you can't.

Keep up that hope. You may be surprised.

-Nolan

Interestingly enough, when I'm writing a big blog, I listen to music to help me feel what I'm writing about.

Today, this was the song I used.

It makes me feel hopeful.

It's hard to explain why.

But if you really, really know me, you probably will understand.

It's a secret though! Bwahahaha.

You'll never know. Unless I tell you.

It's a cute little song.

Hope it makes you smile!

10/1- Grinding and Studying.. Fun night.

Well, today wasn't good.
Today sucked, actually.

Just.. Yeah. It sucked.

However, I'm having an alright night right now.
I got studying done for my World Literature test tomorrow.
I'm doing some more studying right now.

I got pretty far in Dark Souls today.
Except I got cursed at this boss fight, so I'm going ALLLLLL the way back to a different section in the game so I can farm myself a bunch of souls so I can buy new stuff.

Yeah..

Back to studying.

Still... Upset.
But I'm just distracting myself as much as possible.
I hope it works.

Well, I'm gonna study then.. Do a little grinding.
Sigh.

I don't want to go to sleep.

Or wake up.

Meh. I'll live.

-Nolan

9/30- Hmm. I got to drive around a bit.

Today wasn't really bad, actually.
I woke up, sat around and played some games, did some reading.

All that stuff.

Yesterday, the guys and I went to Gamestop.
I picked up the game Dark Souls, and Geoff gave me an extra $5 for the game Kingdom Under Fire: Circle of Doom.

I played a lot of Dark Souls today, and...
Dear god.

This game is difficult.
Which turned off a lot of people.
A lot.

But I actually kind of like it.
I mean.. Very hard game.

But it's fun.
Kingdom Under Fire is also really fun!
I've played it before, and I'm glad I have it again.
Difficult and fun game.

The ending of the day was... Eh.
I ended up driving out to Old Town and walking around.
It was.. I don't know. Wasn't bad.
I didn't have anyone to hang out with, so it was a little boring.

However, I ended up texting my friend Janae.
And, I drove out to Loveland to hang out with her!

We both vented and got to talk about a lot of things that had been bothering us.
I've missed talking with her haha.
Hopefully we'll get coffee again later this week.

And now I'm playing League with Caleb!
Well, I'm off for the night.

-Nolan