Behind the Mask - We All Have Things We Hide

Hmmmmmm.

I'm not sure what I want to blog about today.

It's currently 9:00 am, and I'm sitting in my SOC100 lecture hall, waiting for it to start.

I kind of want to write an entertaining // interesting // inspiring // awesome // funny blog today.

That most likely will not be happening today.

But I'm okay with that.
I can write other stuff!
I can talk about...

My day. 

And..... 

Kittens. 

Perhaps unicorns.

Or flowers.

Or world domination.

Or kittens riding unicorns dressed in flowery clothing taking over the world. 

Ehh..

Okay not that.

But I really do need to blog about something today.

So I'll just start rambling, and hope you enjoy reading this!

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Everyone wears a mask at one point or another...

Especially if you're getting paid to wear a mask. 

But aside from that, we all hide things.

We all have secrets that we want to hide.

Things we don't want people to know, because we don't want others to judge us, to hate us for something we've done.

We have things we've done in the past that we regret, things we wish we could forget. 

Sadly, that's not the case..

We all remember things that we don't actually like remembering.

It's hard to just "get over it" or just move on. 

It... It just doesn't work that way.

I wish it did. I wish there was a way we could just forget things. Things that cause stress. 

Things we don't want to remember. Things we wake up and regret. 

Things that we can't get out of our minds, no matter how hard we try. 

Don't you just hate that? I hate it.

I hate the memories and regrets I have.. Things that I don't want to remember anymore.

No matter how far I run, no matter what I do, they just won't go away. 

They're things that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

That's intimidating to me! I like trying to change things. But realizing that there's nothing I can change about this situation really hurts. It just doesn't feel fair to me. After all I do, why can't I just forget about those things I hate? I just... It hurts. There's so much I want to hide, so much I want to forget.

I wish it worked that way. 

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We all wear our masks, we all carry our burdens.

There are some people who can go years wearing a mask, hiding their problems from the world.

I'm... I don't know how good I am.

For the most part, I can hide it fairly well. I used to hide it more, but I just.. I don't know.

I have more people I trust nowadays.

But the thing is, I still wear a mask. I still act happy when I'm not.

We all do that!

There are times when we just put on a smile for everyone around us, so the spotlight can shift from us to someone else. So people won't just sit and worry about us, so they'll do something else.

Smiling and laughing helps everyone else to focus on someone else.

We're tired of attention, tired of being pitied. So we decide to fake our happiness so that people won't take the time to worry about us. 

But.. It's so tiring.

Isn't it?

There are people who don't have to put on a mask.. Sometimes, I envy them.

It must be nice, not having to devote your energy for smiling.

Not having to put all your effort into lying to everyone about how you feel. 

If you're like me, you've gotten good at hiding things.

It requires less effort than before. It's so much easier than it used to be.

Now, I can wake up and instantly start hiding my feelings. 

We lie to people.. If done correctly, there are a few lies that work.

"I'm just tired."
"I didn't get much sleep last night."

"I ate before I came."
"I'm not hungry."
"I ate a big lunch."

Those are lies that I constantly use, and I'm admitting it. 

But I don't say those things to hurt people!

No, no no no. 

That's not my goal.

In fact, I say those things because I care about the people I'm saying this to.

I don't want them to worry, I don't want them to know how I'm suffering. 

I don't want them to waste energy on trying to make me happy, when I know that they have their own problems, that they need their energy to go through what they're working through. 

I just...
I don't know.
When I'm upset, I often talk to someone, but then decide that I'm hurting them, so I simply stop.
Then I go back to hiding behind my smiley mask.

But......
There are times when it just.. It's too much.
It requires too much effort to even bother smiling anymore.

You wake up, you think you can do this! You wake up, put on that smile, then go to school.
You're doing fine. You keep smiling, you're not crying, you're the perfect picture of happiness.
Inside, you're falling apart, your heart is aching, your mind is tortured by memories of pain, of times you wish you could go back to.
You feel sick, your stomach hurts, you feel nauseous.
But you're so good at putting up your walls, that you keep them up.
You feel upset, you feel hurt, but you devote every single bit of your being into holding up those walls.
You don't want anyone to see your pain, so you just keep smiling.

But.. There's always that one moment.
It could come at any time.
It's always with someone who knows you well.
You're just sitting and talking to them, and you feel like your smiles are convincing.
And then, every single wall you've put up, every smile you put up throughout the day.. They all come crashing down.

Your friend just.. You're talking to them, and there's a moment of silence. They cock their head to the side, and ask "Are you okay?"

If you're strong enough, you just laugh and say "Yeah, why do you ask?"
But....
There are those days when everything you feel crashes down at once. Tears gather at the corner of your eyes.
Your vision gets blurry, and you look down.
Part of you tries to smile and say "Yes. I'm fine."
But you know that you're not okay.
You know you're not fine.
You are feeling so much pain, and you didn't want anyone to know.
But somehow, they figured it out. They saw through your disguise.

You look back up at them, tears dripping down your cheeks, trying to smile.
Until you see them look upset. Until you see them and realize they're worrying about you..
Then the tears start flowing. You didn't want them to know you were in pain!
You tried to hide it.. You didn't want them to worry about you.
But...
They found out.

Then for the rest of the day, you're crying on and off.
There are moments where you think your walls are back up..
Until someone just pats you on the back, until they smile at you.
Until they say "I hope you feel better."

There are those days.
It just seems like everything in the world is trying to stop you from hiding your emotions.
All you wanted was to hide your pain in peace! You didn't want to upset anyone, you didn't want anyone to know how much you're hurting!
But no.. It doesn't work that way.
There are always people who will see through your disguise.
And it's frustrating..
After all the work you can put in, it all seems like it's for nothing.

So sometimes, you avoid them.
You don't talk to them.
You stay away from them all day.
If they talk to you, you make sure that you constantly are talking.
You constantly are saying something and smiling so they don't have a chance to see how upset you are.
If there's a moment of silence, you make up an excuse and walk away.
Even that doesn't work sometimes...
They can see how hard you're trying, and they'll ask what's wrong!
It's just not fair.

After all the effort I put into not looking upset, can't they just leave me alone?
Can't they let me play pretend?

I don't want anyone to care about me! All they will do is get hurt!
I don't want to stress people out, to make people worry about me!

It's...
It's just not fair sometimes.

I suppose that's how I'm feeling right now.
The only problem is, now that I've written this, people will start to ask me what's wrong more often.
The good news is.. I'm really good at lying.

I mainly wrote this because there are people out there who want to know someone else feels the way they do.

It's almost comforting, knowing someone else is struggling the way you are.
Knowing someone else is working hard to smile.
Knowing that someone else hides their pain as much as you do.

So..
To all of you who hide behind those walls.
To all of you who hide your pain.
To all of you who are trying your hardest to smile today.
To all of you who don't want to worry your friends.
To all of you who started crying today because someone hugged you.
To all of you who have been holding in the tears all day.
To all of you with broken hearts.
To all of you who have devoted yourself to living a lie.
To all of you who put on a mask the moment you wake up.

You don't have to keep that mask on.
Okay?

I know, I'm being hypocritical because I do the same thing.
In this case, it's hard for me to 'practice what I preach'.
This isn't something I can do easily.

I have trouble trusting people.
As a matter of fact, my life philosophy has become "Assume everyone lies to you, assume things will turn out for the worst, so you won't be disappointed when your nightmares come true."

I'm not saying I'm really good at this, but I'm trying.

I'm trying my best to find out which friends I can trust.
Which friends I can truly tell my feelings to.
People I trust.

It's hard to find them.
It's not easy.

But you don't have to keep that mask on!
I know that's so easy to say. It's so simple in theory.
It takes a lot of courage and work to actually put it into practice...
But like this blog about hanging in there..

You can do it! I promise you.
You don't have to live behind that mask forever.
I know you feel safer, you feel stronger and more content to live behind those walls that you've worked so hard to put up.. But outside those walls are people who care about you! I know that sometimes, that's hard to believe.
Sometimes it feels better to assume you're alone, so you don't have depend on others. It's comforting to know it's just you against the world. That way, you never have to trust anyone else. You'll never be disappointed because you never bothered to get your hopes up based on someone else..

But it's okay to trust others. It's okay to have people you can talk to. You have friends that you're able to tell how you're really feeling! Friends are there for you. They care about you. They want the best for you.
They became your friend because they want to help you.
If you need someone to talk to, if you need someone to know how you're feeling, if you need to cry to someone..
Go to a friend. You don't need to hide it from them. Whether you realize it or not, lying to them can hurt them more than telling them how you feel.
They might never figure out just how pain you've been in, they might never figure out that you've been lying to them.. But if they're a true friend, I don't see why you should hide things from them. They aren't going to leave you just because you're upset.

Holding in all your pain will hurt you the most in the long run.. One day, it'll just be too much. It'll hurt. You'll feel so much pain.
The longer you hold in all your emotions, the longer the pain will eat at you from the inside.
You'll slowly start feeling worse and worse..
I know you want to convince yourself that you'll always be fine, that you'll always be able to hide every bit of pain you feel.
Some of you have done that for as long as you remember.
Some of you are trying to hold in all your pain, and you don't plan on telling anyone about it.
But.. You can't lie to yourself; you know that it hurts.
You know that it hurts you the longer you hold it in.
Part of you wants to give it up, to tell someone about it!
It's burning you away from the inside. It's ripping you to shreds, but no one notices, because you never show it.
That's how emotional breakdowns happen.. It all just becomes too much for you.
You crawl into a corner, curl up in a ball.. You start to cry, and you can't stop. You repeatedly tell yourself you're okay, you remind yourself that you'll be happy, but when you realize that you really aren't okay, you start crying even harder. You realize just how far you've fallen. You realize that you can't stop the tears, that you can't stop the pain you feel.
So you wait it out.. You wait until you can't cry anymore.
You wipe the tears off, you stand up.
Straighten out your clothes, then put up a smile and walk out of the room.

Believe me.. I know the routine.
I've been there many times. I've had panic attacks, anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, mental breakdowns...
Don't think I'm just making this shit up to sound good.
I know what it's like to hide your pain. I know how it feels to hide everything you feel just so you won't bother people.

This stuff isn't easy. At all.
In fact, it's extremely difficult!
It's so hard to trust people when you don't want to.
When you don't want people to know just how much you hurt.
It's hard to get over that fear.. I speak from personal experience.
I still have trouble really venting to people, to really telling people how I actually feel. Sure, I can say simple things that are easy to say: I'm upset. I'm having a bad day. I don't feel well. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it.
That's easy to say.
But truly telling someone why you feel upset, why your day is bad, what you don't want to talk about..
That stuff is difficult.
It's hard to trust someone when you repeatedly have told yourself that you wouldn't trust anyone else again.

Nonetheless.. I encourage you..
Find someone. Someone to talk to. Someone you can share your feelings with who won't judge or condemn you for them.
Someone who will always be there for you!
Someone who cares about you.
Don't think you have to tell them every feeling you've ever had, and everything you're feeling all at once.
That's unhealthy for both of you. Don't try that.
But.. Tell them when you're upset. Tell them a short version of why you're upset.
You can just talk to them and say you're upset, and ask them if they want to just get coffee or something.
I don't expect you to tell them your deepest darkest secrets. That's not smart at all.
You can just say, "I'm having a bad day.. It kind of sucks. I guess I'm just going through a rough patch with my girlfriend (or boyfriend)."
And leave it at that.

You can just tell them you're unhappy!
That's it!
The longer you know someone, the more you trust them, the more you can start to tell them about your feelings. Give it a try (:
You never know.. It could really help.
It can relax you, it can make you realize that there are people who care about you.

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To those of you who don't hide your emotions, for those of you who wear your heart on your sleeve..
Be there for others.
Something that I have to drill into you is that if someone comes to you, if someone wants someone just to talk to, talk to them the way they want to talk.

That sounds weird, but I mean..
If they say they're upset, and you ask what's wrong, if they don't want to talk about specifics, don't keep asking. Please.
That's one of the worst things you can do.
You have to be prepared to avoid talking about exactly what is wrong.
If all they want you to know is that they're upset, then don't try and pry into their lives!
Don't try to talk about things that they want to leave alone.

I can't emphasize that enough.
Don't push too much, don't ask them to explain things that they're clearly uncomfortable talking about.
That is quite literally the worst thing you can do in that situation.

You have to be ready to just hear the simple explanations.
You have to be able to hear, "I'm having a bad day."
And leave it at that.
Be there for them in a simple way..

Bring them candy.
Take them out to coffee.
Go see a movie.
Talk about stupid things.
Make stupid jokes.
Play video games.

Do the simple things.
Let them decide how your conversations go.
If they want to spend an hour venting to you about how their day was terrible, how their significant other has hurt them, then listen to them!
Don't interrupt them.
Don't tell them what to do, what to think.
Give them advice only if they ask for it.

I know it's kind of rough when you are dying to know why someone is in pain and they won't tell you, but I promise if you are there for them even when they don't want to talk about specifics, they will trust you so much more than others. You'll become an extremely special friend to them that they know they can come to and talk with.

It's worth it. Take your time, don't try and dig into their lives in a month.
Give them time, let them decide how much they tell you.
If they trust you, they'll tell you more.

(:

Be there for them.
You guys and girls who are able to just sit and listen to them, you're amazing. The world needs more people like you. I hope you know just how important you are to so many people.

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So... Yeah.
That's my blog for the day.

As usual, I hope this made you think.
At least a little.

I don't know if it has inspired someone to change themselves, to change the way they think.
I hope it's done that, I hope someone has loved this blog!

I really do.
I want to help.

So yeah.. I think that's it.

I need to go home and eat some lunch.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this.

Remember to share it!
Hit the little Facebook button at the bottom of this post, or share it on Facebook, email it to someone, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit.. Basically anything!

I want tons of people to read this blog. I think it can help some people.

Tell someone about it, tell someone to read this. You never know.. It might be what they need to hear.
(:

Thanks everybody!

-Nolan


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Top Five Songs of the Day

1. War is the Answer by Five Finger Death Punch
2. Six by All That Remains
3. Surfacing by Slipknot
4. I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin
5. Waking the Demon by Bullet for My Valentine

Song Lyric of the Day

~Now the dark begins to rise, 

Save your breath, it's far from over!
Leave the lost and dead behind, 

Now's your chance to run for cover.

I don't want to change the world,
I just want to leave it colder.

Light the fuse and burn it up, 

Take the path that leads to nowhere.

All is lost again, but I'm not giving in!

I will not bow, I will not break,

I will shut the world away..

I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away!~

-I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin

Video Game of the Day

Dead Space 2

Youtube Video of the Day

I don't think I've laughed this hard in a while.

Picture(s) of the Day