Blogging in the morning.
During spring break, I basically just slept all morning, then... Did stuff the rest of the day.
So now that I'm back in class, I have time to blog in the mornings because I'm just stuck in class.
Meh.
I don't really want to be in class right now, but... What can you do?
I'm here, we're paying me to be in college, and I'm not letting that go to waste.
Oh yeah, and I also kind of want a career in the future, and college will... Help with that. Quite a bit.
Hmm.
What has been on my mind..
Well, my last blog post this morning around 2:00 was interesting.
I... Well, I guess that mood has diminished a little bit. I mean, I'm not miserable.
I'm not really really happy like I was 8 hours ago.
However... I guess, I can think of something that made me depressed, and I'm not nearly as depressed about them as I was before.
Which is definitely a good sign.
But like I mentioned in.. Whichever post I did before, this type of mood regulation is exhausting for me.
So...
Ah.
Now I'm depressed. While class was starting, my professor played the song "Perfect Two" by Auburn.
And... Now I'm tearing up.
Dammit.
... Ugh.
Now I'm not so happy anymore.
I hate my mood swings. They make this so stressful.
Sigh..
I love that song, but.. Memories are connected to it. Memories that make me upset.
God!
I feel like shit now!
I was doing so well!!!! I really was!
Well.. I suppose it's to be expected. The only thing is, at this point, I have a couple choices.
I can either accept the depression, and let it overwhelm me until it goes away.
Or I can realize it's negative, and try to push it out by focusing on other things.
...
...
...
...
I want to do the latter choice, but.. It's difficult. I'll try to.
Like I've said, those bittersweet memories are so tempting to get lost in.
So.. I'll try to push out the depressing thoughts.
I just have to want it.
Well, here we go. We'll work on that and see what happens.
Now, it's time to talk about something!
--------------------
Interesting.
In my Sociology 100, we're watching a video on violence in the media and it's effect on males' self-image.
"Violence isn't so much a deviation from society as it is an accepted aspect of masculinity."
It's kind of tragic, really.
I... Well, it's messed up. We cause so much violence, so much pain.
It pisses me off that that's what men have become. I don't like it. I really really hate it.
It's terrible...
I wish we could change things like this. I wish men would be able to become..
Well, more decent human beings. Not all of us are like that, not all of us are violent, not all of us are messed up.
But as males, we have to realize that we're given a bad name, that we're represented as violent or sexual, when not all of us actually are.
"There's nothing inherent about masculinity."
That's very true.
Just because a guy, it doesn't mean you will be anything.
Your future isn't set in stone the very minute you're born.
I mean, like my post about society, it kind of bothers me how our media really chooses what it means to be a man or woman.
I mean, as far as the media's portrayal of masculinity goes.... I'm not very masculine.
I don't fight, I'm not muscular, I'm not a sex addict, I'm not intimidating, controlling, or tough.
The thing is, because the media has drilled those traits into me, I have a flawed view of who I should be.
I mean, I can sit and preach about how the media is terrible, how you need to love you for you, how the media is wrong, but... The thing is.. I'm guilty of feeling that way.
I feel that I'm not masculine enough, I don't feel like I'm manly enough for people.
But, I don't always feel that way.
There are times when I'm comfortable with my traits, when I'm happy with who I am.
Not all the time, but I have my moments.
"A real man makes it on his own, and if he doesn't, it's his own fault."
That was a line when they talked about how a man should be emotionally invulnerable, that feelings and relationships are for women.
Keep in mind, these aren't the values the video holds, it's what they're saying the media is saying.
In case you haven't noticed from my blogs, I'm.. Kind of an emotional and silly guy.
As far as romance goes, I'm... Very girly.
But you know what?
I'm fine with that.
I may not be the very definition of manly and ripped, but I'm a hell of a lot more sensitive than some guys.
Something interesting one of my friends pointed out is that, in her experience, guys who have older sisters are more likely to be respectful of women.
Isn't that interesting??
I think so.
Most of my company was my two sisters and mother, because my dad worked most of the day.
It's not like he was distant and didn't come home, no no no. He was home a lot.
But for a majority of the day, I was in the company of females.
Which is good. Because it allows me to... I don't know.
I've been told by girls that I'm easy to talk to.
So I guess that's good, I just.. Well, I don't know what it is about me that.. Is easy to talk to.
You know?
It's just something people say about me that I don't understand.
Well, now my Sociology class is over, so... I'm going to switch gears and talk about.. Whatever else I end up thinking about.
--------------------
Hmph. I'm slightly upset.
It's just..... Well, hearing "Perfect Two" really.. Emotionally rocked me.
It's stuck in my head, it's bringing those memories rushing back.
And I'm exhausted after two days of focusing on happy thoughts, so it's really hard for me to push out those memories and thoughts.
But I will eventually do it!
I will eventually feel better.
I'm completely sure about that. I realize that I'm upset right now, but.. After last night (I guess it's actually this morning), I know it's possible for me to feel better. It's just a matter of learning how to keep myself going.
I just need to get over the exhaustion and difficulty of actually forcing out depressing thoughts.
So... Yeahhh. That's what's on my mind right now.
However, I just.. Hmm. I'm feeling okay now.
I'm sure in about 5 minutes I'll feel bad.
Mood swings, woohoo!
Seriously... It really does get frustrating after a while, not knowing where your mood will be in 10 minutes.
Oh well.
I live with it, I'm used to it.
Let's see... What to talk about..
Oh hey. I'm upset..
GOD. I'm so bad at keeping a mood stable.
Even with medication for it, I still suck at it!
I'm thinking that I might be over-thinking it. The more I focus on my emotions, the more they'll fluctuate.
So I'm going to try and avoid focusing on them.
Let's switch to something happier.
OH MY GOODNESS. RESIDENT EVIL: OPERATION RACCOON CITY COMES OUT TOMORROW.
THAT RELEASE DATE SNEAKED UP ON ME, AND I WAS NOT EVEN READY FOR IT.
Huh. I'm flat broke.. That sucks.
Oh well. I'll play it one way or another.
Also, I got banned from playing Valve games online a year or two ago.
Yes, I was hacking.
BUT. The thing is, it was on an unsecured server.
On an unsecured server, it's technically allowed to hack.
I mean, it's not good, but.. You're allowed to because Valve itself isn't running the server.
I even checked the terms of agreement! I shouldn't have been banned!
But I can live with it.
Yesterday, I made another Steam account and downloaded Team Fortress 2 because it's free-to-play.
And.. I love that game. It's been so long since I played it.
And I LOVE it. It's so much better than Call of Duty. It's more fun, more varied, much more fun.
Just a little side note.
Hmmmm.. What else do I want to discuss today?
--------------------
You know what's annoying? People who say 'like' every other word.
Seriously.. It's so annoying, it's unbelievable.
I mean, I don't, because whenever I said 'like' at a time when it wasn't needed, my mom gave me a little 'bop' on the head. I mean, not.. Painful, not abusive.
It was just a reminder not to use it unnecessarily.
But I find it... Just obnoxious when people constantly use it.
So.... I just slept through my off-hour...
And I slept another hour and missed my Philosophy class.....
Fml.
Well, that's what I get for falling asleep around 4 in the morning.
I tried to sleep earlier but... I don't know. I guess I couldn't fall asleep.
I'm sitting in my Life 102 class. It's basically a Biology class.
I... My last 2 tests have not been good.
But, I'm doing well in the Lab. Which is a good thing.
I'm paying attention more in class, and I'm downloading the powerpoint lectures, so it gives me something to follow along with. I used to try typing the notes out, but.. I missed diagrams, and I guess my notes weren't as effective as the powerpoints. So hopefully, my next two tests will be better.
I'm going to shut down my blog right now, and try to pay more attention.
Weird.. I've never done that before. Oh well.
I will talk to you later!
Well.. I will continue typing out a blog later.
--------------------
Bio wasn't too bad.
I came home, played some Team Fortress 2!
On my new account, that is.
It's fun!
But holy crap man.. It's frustrating as hell.
EVERYONE is so much better than me.
But.. I'll catch up. I always do.
That's what Call of Duty and Battlefield were like for me...
And I got decent at those.
So hopefully I catch up in Team Fortress 2.
I shall undoubtedly say things about that later on!
Let's see....
I went to work (holding a sign on a street corner), and...
Well, I made it about 15 minutes before I had to rush across the street into a 7 Eleven and.. Throw up.
Sorry, too much info.
But..
Yeah. Now I'm sitting at home, in comfy clothes, listening to Coldplay, talking with some friends, and blogging.
You know.. I've been feeling decent today. The interesting thing was..
I took the time, and I thought through a lot of.. Well, of those memories that depress me.
I thought about things that would have made me burst into tears a couple days ago.
And.. I didn't cry, I didn't get upset.
I guess... Well, I felt longing, I felt a gap in my heart, but... I wasn't depressed about it.
....
Okay, maybe a little depressed. But it went away.
I mean... The things that would have brought me to tears two days ago aren't doing that to me now.
It's a weird feeling.. I suppose you could call it healing.
So.. I guess that's good. I'm feeling...... Like I'm starting to heal. It's nice.
It's.. A weird feeling.
I don't really like it, but.. I sort of do.
You know what I mean?
Well, I guess I'm doing alright. I'm going to get off my blog for a bit, and try to relax my muscles.
Maybe take some Ibuprofen and play some games.
Oh, another thing.
I think I might start doing my blogs like this. Just.. Adding things throughout the day, then wrapping it up before bed.
Hopefully that will work.
I probably could come up with funny things to say, but I have to be in the mood for that.
Right now, I'm perfectly content with music, friends, video games, and lots of aspirin.
So, I'll.. Update more before bed time.
Bye!
--------------------
Well...
This is my last little update before bed.
I won't be going to sleep before midnight, but I figure I should update before I go to sleep.
Let's see... What else has happened...
Not much.
Played Team Fortress 2.. I've decided the Spy is the most fun.
I'm starting to get the hang of playing as a spy.
See, I play the spy the way I play Shaco!
Hide in a bush..
Wait for everyone to fight.. Then come in from behind and stab ALL THE THINGS!
I got 8 backstabs within 15 seconds... It was legit.
It was payload, and I took out the 8 man team that was pushing the bomb. I felt godly.
That's.. Basically it.
I've been talking with lots of friends, and I really enjoy it!
Right now, I'm Skyping with 2 people, texting 3, and... Writing this blog.
It's a good night.
I'm done blogging for now, so...
Yeah.
Have a good night // day!
-Nolan
Top Five Songs of the Day
- Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha
- The Anthem by Good Charlotte
- Down With The Sickness by Disturbed
- Promise Me by Cauterize
- What Have You Done ft. Keith Capuro by Within Temptation
Song Lyric of the Day
~Go to college, a university, get a real job,
That's what they said to me
But I could never live the way they want
I'm gonna get by, and just do my time, out of step while, they all
get in line
I'm just a minor threat so pay no mind
Do you really wanna be like them, do you really wanna be another
trend?
Do you wanna be part of that crowd?
'cause I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna be
You...don't wanna be just like you
Oh what I'm sayin' is this is the anthem throw all your hands up,
you, don't wanna be you~
-The Anthem by Good Charlotte
Video Game of the Day
Team Fortress 2
Youtube Video of the Day
Picture(s) of the Day
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This one made me extremely happy!
This one makes me laugh!
This one gives me nightmares!
If you could date any superhero, who would it be?
Answer in the comments IF YOU'RE AWESOME.
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