Not because I'm upset or anything, I mean, I had a fantastic day!
Workout went very well, classes were pretty normal, then Caleb and Christine came over for the evening. I just... Blah. Don't feel like putting much effort into my blog tonight. I don't want to sleep but I'm exhausted. And it's snowing so I'm sad. I like the grip season more. My car is fun to drive when it's not snowing.
Honestly, I'm just holding out till my tax refund so I can get a Dualshock 4 controller, Dark Souls 2, and some more RAM.
UGHHH I WANT DARK SOULS II ALREADY.
WAITING SUCKS.
I DON'T NEED A GIRLFRIEND JUST GET ME DARK SOULS.
Ah well.
I'm off to play some zombie-related games, then go to bed.
Night!
-Nolan
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
02/27- Therapy! Working out! American Idol!
All these and more!!!
Yeah today was iffy. Not bad obviously.
I started the day with a nice work out (arms, shoulders, abs), then headed off to a therapist appointment.
That went really well. We tackled a couple important topics, like how things went with that girl the night before Valentine's Day, and we had a very good conversation about it, and he gave me some great things to think about. So that was fun. After therapy, I went off to class. Well, I had a couple hours before class, so I bought a bagel and cream cheese and applied to a couple new jobs.
Then I had class woohoo.
Then I went home and played some League with Christine and Caleb! I am proud to say I turned down a brown sugar Pop-Tart because I had had enough sugar all day. It was difficult. Anyway. They were still at my house from last night. We played a couple games and didn't do well on any of them, then they went off to Christine's house for American Idol night, and I decided to join them. I showered and ate my brown rice and chicken, then headed over there. I got some studying done while I watched it with them, and it was really fun! I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then I went home, and now I'm sitting here at a complete loss for which game I want to play on Steam. I'm having trouble deciding.
All I want is my tax refund so I can get more RAM and a new controller.
AND DARK SOULS II.
IN 12 DAYS.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
SO EXCITED.
Okay. I'm going to go find something to play then go to bed. I might even just go straight to bed. Got nothing better to do.
Nighty night.
Love,
-Nolan
Yeah today was iffy. Not bad obviously.
I started the day with a nice work out (arms, shoulders, abs), then headed off to a therapist appointment.
That went really well. We tackled a couple important topics, like how things went with that girl the night before Valentine's Day, and we had a very good conversation about it, and he gave me some great things to think about. So that was fun. After therapy, I went off to class. Well, I had a couple hours before class, so I bought a bagel and cream cheese and applied to a couple new jobs.
Then I had class woohoo.
Then I went home and played some League with Christine and Caleb! I am proud to say I turned down a brown sugar Pop-Tart because I had had enough sugar all day. It was difficult. Anyway. They were still at my house from last night. We played a couple games and didn't do well on any of them, then they went off to Christine's house for American Idol night, and I decided to join them. I showered and ate my brown rice and chicken, then headed over there. I got some studying done while I watched it with them, and it was really fun! I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then I went home, and now I'm sitting here at a complete loss for which game I want to play on Steam. I'm having trouble deciding.
All I want is my tax refund so I can get more RAM and a new controller.
AND DARK SOULS II.
IN 12 DAYS.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
SO EXCITED.
Okay. I'm going to go find something to play then go to bed. I might even just go straight to bed. Got nothing better to do.
Nighty night.
Love,
-Nolan
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
02/25- Legggggggg day!
My legs aren't as dead today... I'm kind of bummed.
I mean, I worked as hard as I usually do. Maybe I'm just getting used to the resistances I use. Yay progress!
Let's see what else did I do today...
Went to math class. I'm starting to realize the only reason to go to math class is to do the in-class response things that are worth a small amount of points, because I do all the learning by myself. It's kinda weird. But I mean I'm going. But at the same time, if there is a class I can afford to skip... It's that one.
After classes, I went to Wal-Mart and picked up a salad, some protein shakes, and a protein bar. I've read that I should eat some protein before my workout as well as after, so I'm going to see if there are any protein bars I can occasionally pick up (cause they're like a dollar or more each).
After Wal-Mart, I came home and played some League with Caleb and Lizzi, then a game with Lizzi, and now I'm waiting to find out if anyone else is going to get on so I can play with them. If not, I'll just go to bed.
Uh... Yeah! Tomorrow is fulllllll. I have my early workout, then classes, then I'm getting lunch with my friend Brynn, then math tutoring, then Christine and Caleb are coming over! Pretty excited.
I'm probably going to go play some other games and wait to see if anyone wants to play League. If not, I'm off to bed. Nighty night folks,
Love,
-Nolan
I mean, I worked as hard as I usually do. Maybe I'm just getting used to the resistances I use. Yay progress!
Let's see what else did I do today...
Went to math class. I'm starting to realize the only reason to go to math class is to do the in-class response things that are worth a small amount of points, because I do all the learning by myself. It's kinda weird. But I mean I'm going. But at the same time, if there is a class I can afford to skip... It's that one.
After classes, I went to Wal-Mart and picked up a salad, some protein shakes, and a protein bar. I've read that I should eat some protein before my workout as well as after, so I'm going to see if there are any protein bars I can occasionally pick up (cause they're like a dollar or more each).
After Wal-Mart, I came home and played some League with Caleb and Lizzi, then a game with Lizzi, and now I'm waiting to find out if anyone else is going to get on so I can play with them. If not, I'll just go to bed.
Uh... Yeah! Tomorrow is fulllllll. I have my early workout, then classes, then I'm getting lunch with my friend Brynn, then math tutoring, then Christine and Caleb are coming over! Pretty excited.
I'm probably going to go play some other games and wait to see if anyone wants to play League. If not, I'm off to bed. Nighty night folks,
Love,
-Nolan
Monday, February 24, 2014
02/24- My neck hurtttttttts.
It really does. Like a lot. I think I slept on it weird. And it was disappointing because it was chest, back and abs day, so the whole workout was a little off, with my neck being jacked up and all. But I made it. I went a little higher on my resistances today too! Only one I didn't do so well on was the pectorals machine, because my neck twinged and made me mess up my form and pull an arm muscle weird. Blah. But abs went well.
After the gym, I did class and all that. I played League for a couple games with this guy named Josh today! He's really fun to play with. We tried laning together annnnnnnd it didn't go well. But that's because I have no supports, so... Didn't go well. Our second game I played mid and absolutely wrecked (33/8). I'm trying to get more people to play with us, but nobody really has time. They're either asleep, busy, or just won't answer. So for the most part when I play, it's with one other person. After League, I did the normal stuff. Nap, play more games, do homework.
I started talking to my friend Brynn again, and we're getting lunch on Wednesday! I'm very very excited, I miss that girl a lot. Found out one of my friends (who rarely dates) is now dating someone! Good for her. Annnd that's really it.
I've been doing... Okay. Mentally and emotionally and stuff. I'm still having issues with too much thinking about a couple things, and overthinking where my relationships are with my friends, but I'm okay. Just lonely is how I'd describe it. Just gotta put the head down and keep pushing forward though. Not much else to do. I just hope I figure out how to make more friends, because I'm kind of running out of them. I've got maybe 3 or 4 that actually talk to me, maybe 2 on a regular basis. Blah. I suppose I should actually attempt to socialize and meet people. But that requires effort.
I'll figure it out. Oh well.
Tomorrow issssssss leg day! Yay! I'm off to sleep now. Night!
Love,
-Nolan
After the gym, I did class and all that. I played League for a couple games with this guy named Josh today! He's really fun to play with. We tried laning together annnnnnnd it didn't go well. But that's because I have no supports, so... Didn't go well. Our second game I played mid and absolutely wrecked (33/8). I'm trying to get more people to play with us, but nobody really has time. They're either asleep, busy, or just won't answer. So for the most part when I play, it's with one other person. After League, I did the normal stuff. Nap, play more games, do homework.
I started talking to my friend Brynn again, and we're getting lunch on Wednesday! I'm very very excited, I miss that girl a lot. Found out one of my friends (who rarely dates) is now dating someone! Good for her. Annnd that's really it.
I've been doing... Okay. Mentally and emotionally and stuff. I'm still having issues with too much thinking about a couple things, and overthinking where my relationships are with my friends, but I'm okay. Just lonely is how I'd describe it. Just gotta put the head down and keep pushing forward though. Not much else to do. I just hope I figure out how to make more friends, because I'm kind of running out of them. I've got maybe 3 or 4 that actually talk to me, maybe 2 on a regular basis. Blah. I suppose I should actually attempt to socialize and meet people. But that requires effort.
I'll figure it out. Oh well.
Tomorrow issssssss leg day! Yay! I'm off to sleep now. Night!
Love,
-Nolan
Sunday, February 23, 2014
02/23- Ehh.
Not bad, today just... Wasn't great. It had its good moments, but not enough to make the whole day good.
But at least it wasn't bad.
Let's seeeee what happened what happened... Well it was rest day so I didn't go to the gym. Which kinda bummed me out cause I wanted to, but I figured it'd be good to keep the routine going, and shoot for 6 days a week. I spent the day figuring out my hookah situation. I have an extra one that used to be my friend Ashley's, but it's messed up and won't really do anything right... The vase is lopsided, the center stem won't seal, the top where the bowl goes won't seal... It's a mess. So I'm most likely going to just hold onto it until I have the money to replace the pieces and make it basically a new hookah.
Speaking of money... My mom helped me with my tax refund! I'm getting $219 back!!!! You know what that means...
AAAH YESSSSSSS.
I mean I don't know about the Collector's Edition, but I'm getting the base game on release day. And you can bet your ass I'm not going to maybe stay home from classes but I dunno yet. BUT YES DARK SOULS II. I'm so excited.
I'm still debating what else I want to spend it on. I mean, I probably will get another hard drive for my pc considering I only have like... 8 gigs left. Out of a terabyte. And I still have more games on Steam to download. After that? Probably just... Keep it and wait. Most likely for Titanfall. Then who knows. Whatever other games that come out.
So yeah.
I ended my day by playing League with a guy named Jeffrey. It was really fun! We had a couple horrible games but it was still fun at least. I was going to add in Lizzi and a couple other people, but I decided it'd be best just to get some sleep. I gotta be up at 6:30 tomorrow. Woo! I'm pumped to work out!
Oh and I ate whole grain brown rice along with chicken breast tonight and it was great. So that's probably what I will have tomorrow too. I'm learning to like healthier food. I just gotta find a good PRE-workout meal. Probably just a protein bar but we'll find out. Good night!
Love,
-Nolan
But at least it wasn't bad.
Let's seeeee what happened what happened... Well it was rest day so I didn't go to the gym. Which kinda bummed me out cause I wanted to, but I figured it'd be good to keep the routine going, and shoot for 6 days a week. I spent the day figuring out my hookah situation. I have an extra one that used to be my friend Ashley's, but it's messed up and won't really do anything right... The vase is lopsided, the center stem won't seal, the top where the bowl goes won't seal... It's a mess. So I'm most likely going to just hold onto it until I have the money to replace the pieces and make it basically a new hookah.
Speaking of money... My mom helped me with my tax refund! I'm getting $219 back!!!! You know what that means...
AAAH YESSSSSSS.
I mean I don't know about the Collector's Edition, but I'm getting the base game on release day. And you can bet your ass I'm not going to maybe stay home from classes but I dunno yet. BUT YES DARK SOULS II. I'm so excited.
I'm still debating what else I want to spend it on. I mean, I probably will get another hard drive for my pc considering I only have like... 8 gigs left. Out of a terabyte. And I still have more games on Steam to download. After that? Probably just... Keep it and wait. Most likely for Titanfall. Then who knows. Whatever other games that come out.
So yeah.
I ended my day by playing League with a guy named Jeffrey. It was really fun! We had a couple horrible games but it was still fun at least. I was going to add in Lizzi and a couple other people, but I decided it'd be best just to get some sleep. I gotta be up at 6:30 tomorrow. Woo! I'm pumped to work out!
Oh and I ate whole grain brown rice along with chicken breast tonight and it was great. So that's probably what I will have tomorrow too. I'm learning to like healthier food. I just gotta find a good PRE-workout meal. Probably just a protein bar but we'll find out. Good night!
Love,
-Nolan
Saturday, February 22, 2014
02/22- Can't feel mah legs.
It was legs day and I pushed myself. I'll talk about that later though.
Today...
I'm not sure.
I didn't do much. I spent the day kind of wrapped up in my own head, which... Really didn't go well. I've been fairly upset all day, just kind of trapped in my thoughts. I mean, I have a couple things that I've come to realize in the past couple days, and a few more things to think about. I'm not going to share them on here just because... I don't know. It's private and not something I can just type out. It has to be in person. But at the same time, I don't really intend on telling anyone exactly what's going on. I can deal with it myself. It's mostly just about the state of my emotions and where I need to take them next or deal with what's been in my head. It's so hard to explain. It was really rough all day just because I had thoughts I couldn't get out of there, and the things I've slowly been starting to realize are tearing me down and make it harder to really care about stuff. Which... Is to be expected. But I figure I'll get over it soon enough. Just have to make it through the first couple weeks, and things will start to look up! I'm hopeful.
Alright, I'll talk about one of the things that I've realized about this situation.
At this point, I:
a) Have no feelings for anyone
b) Don't have anyone with feelings for ME
And
c) Have no one that's even an OPTION to have feelings for.
And it's throwing me for a massive loop. I mean, I've always, always been interested in someone. And... I have no one. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it's like life is forcing me to WANT to improve for myself and myself alone. Which is working. But... It just upsets me at the same time. I thrive on relationships, both romantic and not. That's why I was banking on that one girl, because I knew she was the only one I had an interest in. I realize it's better off this way, but it doesn't stop things from kinda hurting when I don't have someone to try and better myself for. So I just... It upsets me. I feel alone, because I don't have an interest in someone. If that makes sense. I don't have anyone who wakes up excited to talk to me in particular, I don't have anyone who wants to be with me as more than friends, I don't have anyone that I look forward to talking to in particular. It's so uncomfortable. I can't stand it. But at the same time, I know it's necessary for me so I can move forward as a human being. My friends keep telling me to just be happy I'm single and enjoy it, when I really don't. It's hard to enjoy it when I crave someone for me to give my affection to. Yeah yeah I should be giving it to myself and being happy about it. It's hard when the people that you used to give affection to don't want anything to do with you. All my exes have problems with me and won't talk to me. I've just been feeling atrociously alone for the past month or two and I have no way of fixing it. Hanging out with people isn't helping as much anymore, and I'm just starting to fall apart at the seams and there's nothing i can fucking do about it because no one wants to let me talk to them about it. God damn I'm pissed off and upset and I can't do shit. I need to get back to the gym. I'm not taking a rest day this week, I'm going again tomorrow.
Okay. Okay... I need to move on. The more pissed off I get the more likely I am to say something I'll regret. And while I can go back and change things after publishing, I prefer not to. Ruins my flow of words. Posting these things online gives me a sense of permanent-ness, like my words are unchangeable. Which helps me deal with it. Does that make sense? No. Not really. But anyway.
LEG DAY. Rightrightright.
I didn't blog yesterday because I had Ben over. We played some Supreme Commander and No More Room In Hell and got food at Wal-Mart. I kind of had a cheat night. I mean, I bought a drink with high fructose corn syrup and some unhealthy snacks, but I haven't had a craving to actually eat them yet, so they're sitting on my bed.
Okay since I'm crying and listening to sad music I broke into my chocolate-covered pretzels and dear god they're good. When you pretty much stop eating sweets regularly you never realize how good chocolate tastes until you have some.
So. Today was leg day. Right. I went there with my mind set on using no less than 110 pounds of resistance on every machine, and I fulfilled that goal! It hurt like HELL on the leg extension and leg curl, but I did it. The leg press I did 210 pounds!!! I'm SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I need to get my chest up to par next, cause it looks like shit. And my arms. They're not so great either. Improvement feels so good.
Another side note about working out. I've started getting in touch with the fiery rage that burns within me more and more. As you all know, I used to really... Not get angry. At anyone. For anything. Even hurting me. I wouldn't care. And obviously that's no longer the case, as I've called out a couple people on a couple things. One of those times it didn't work so well. But hey, at least I tried, right? I've always been nervous to allow myself to get actually angry, because the one time I actually did, I had an adrenaline blackout and ended up repeatedly smashing my head against a punching bag. So at least I know how to keep it balanced now. But hot damn when you can get pissed off while working out? You'll start to work harder than ever. The only times I've managed to leg press over 210 were when I was really pissed off about someone or something. Only problem is if I get too pissed off I end up depressed and my form goes down the drain. Just gotta figure it all out.
I'm surprised that my blogs have turned into such a venting-type-thing. I mean, I don't really do much, so most of my subject matter comes from what I was struggling with during the day and if I overcame it or not. I'm also surprised that I've managed to... Keep it low-key. I mean, I have some things that I need to talk about, but there's no way to explain the whole story at once, so I just keep it to myself. I have things I need to say to various people, but I... Can't. I just can't. Either they aren't available, or they cut contact with me, or they don't want to talk to me, or anything. It's just rough. I think I can summarize my feelings for the past few weeks as being lonely. I'm seeing a hell of a lot less of my friends, I'm talking even less to most of them, and the few really close ones I have don't seem to want to be around me much. It's just... Blah. I don't know. I'm running out of mental capacity at this point. I need to go blow up shit in some video game.
So I guess... If you read these posts, it really does mean a lot to me. I honestly have been feeling really alone lately, even if I know I'm not. If we're arguing, I'm sorry. If we don't see or talk to each other often, make a move and try to hang out with me. Odds are, I'm just too shy to ask. And if I keep asking, I really am sorry, it's probably just that I miss you. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable asking for help, or talking about these things with people for fear of rejection or being judged. That's why I post them here. Where only a select few will actually read them!
Yeah... I think that's it. I'm off to play... Something. Not sure what yet. Night guys,
Love,
-Nolan
PS I watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire today and hot damn it was good also I want to be kissed I really miss it okay good night now for reals
Today...
I'm not sure.
I didn't do much. I spent the day kind of wrapped up in my own head, which... Really didn't go well. I've been fairly upset all day, just kind of trapped in my thoughts. I mean, I have a couple things that I've come to realize in the past couple days, and a few more things to think about. I'm not going to share them on here just because... I don't know. It's private and not something I can just type out. It has to be in person. But at the same time, I don't really intend on telling anyone exactly what's going on. I can deal with it myself. It's mostly just about the state of my emotions and where I need to take them next or deal with what's been in my head. It's so hard to explain. It was really rough all day just because I had thoughts I couldn't get out of there, and the things I've slowly been starting to realize are tearing me down and make it harder to really care about stuff. Which... Is to be expected. But I figure I'll get over it soon enough. Just have to make it through the first couple weeks, and things will start to look up! I'm hopeful.
Alright, I'll talk about one of the things that I've realized about this situation.
At this point, I:
a) Have no feelings for anyone
b) Don't have anyone with feelings for ME
And
c) Have no one that's even an OPTION to have feelings for.
And it's throwing me for a massive loop. I mean, I've always, always been interested in someone. And... I have no one. Which I suppose is a good thing, because it's like life is forcing me to WANT to improve for myself and myself alone. Which is working. But... It just upsets me at the same time. I thrive on relationships, both romantic and not. That's why I was banking on that one girl, because I knew she was the only one I had an interest in. I realize it's better off this way, but it doesn't stop things from kinda hurting when I don't have someone to try and better myself for. So I just... It upsets me. I feel alone, because I don't have an interest in someone. If that makes sense. I don't have anyone who wakes up excited to talk to me in particular, I don't have anyone who wants to be with me as more than friends, I don't have anyone that I look forward to talking to in particular. It's so uncomfortable. I can't stand it. But at the same time, I know it's necessary for me so I can move forward as a human being. My friends keep telling me to just be happy I'm single and enjoy it, when I really don't. It's hard to enjoy it when I crave someone for me to give my affection to. Yeah yeah I should be giving it to myself and being happy about it. It's hard when the people that you used to give affection to don't want anything to do with you. All my exes have problems with me and won't talk to me. I've just been feeling atrociously alone for the past month or two and I have no way of fixing it. Hanging out with people isn't helping as much anymore, and I'm just starting to fall apart at the seams and there's nothing i can fucking do about it because no one wants to let me talk to them about it. God damn I'm pissed off and upset and I can't do shit. I need to get back to the gym. I'm not taking a rest day this week, I'm going again tomorrow.
Okay. Okay... I need to move on. The more pissed off I get the more likely I am to say something I'll regret. And while I can go back and change things after publishing, I prefer not to. Ruins my flow of words. Posting these things online gives me a sense of permanent-ness, like my words are unchangeable. Which helps me deal with it. Does that make sense? No. Not really. But anyway.
LEG DAY. Rightrightright.
I didn't blog yesterday because I had Ben over. We played some Supreme Commander and No More Room In Hell and got food at Wal-Mart. I kind of had a cheat night. I mean, I bought a drink with high fructose corn syrup and some unhealthy snacks, but I haven't had a craving to actually eat them yet, so they're sitting on my bed.
Okay since I'm crying and listening to sad music I broke into my chocolate-covered pretzels and dear god they're good. When you pretty much stop eating sweets regularly you never realize how good chocolate tastes until you have some.
So. Today was leg day. Right. I went there with my mind set on using no less than 110 pounds of resistance on every machine, and I fulfilled that goal! It hurt like HELL on the leg extension and leg curl, but I did it. The leg press I did 210 pounds!!! I'm SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I need to get my chest up to par next, cause it looks like shit. And my arms. They're not so great either. Improvement feels so good.
Another side note about working out. I've started getting in touch with the fiery rage that burns within me more and more. As you all know, I used to really... Not get angry. At anyone. For anything. Even hurting me. I wouldn't care. And obviously that's no longer the case, as I've called out a couple people on a couple things. One of those times it didn't work so well. But hey, at least I tried, right? I've always been nervous to allow myself to get actually angry, because the one time I actually did, I had an adrenaline blackout and ended up repeatedly smashing my head against a punching bag. So at least I know how to keep it balanced now. But hot damn when you can get pissed off while working out? You'll start to work harder than ever. The only times I've managed to leg press over 210 were when I was really pissed off about someone or something. Only problem is if I get too pissed off I end up depressed and my form goes down the drain. Just gotta figure it all out.
I'm surprised that my blogs have turned into such a venting-type-thing. I mean, I don't really do much, so most of my subject matter comes from what I was struggling with during the day and if I overcame it or not. I'm also surprised that I've managed to... Keep it low-key. I mean, I have some things that I need to talk about, but there's no way to explain the whole story at once, so I just keep it to myself. I have things I need to say to various people, but I... Can't. I just can't. Either they aren't available, or they cut contact with me, or they don't want to talk to me, or anything. It's just rough. I think I can summarize my feelings for the past few weeks as being lonely. I'm seeing a hell of a lot less of my friends, I'm talking even less to most of them, and the few really close ones I have don't seem to want to be around me much. It's just... Blah. I don't know. I'm running out of mental capacity at this point. I need to go blow up shit in some video game.
So I guess... If you read these posts, it really does mean a lot to me. I honestly have been feeling really alone lately, even if I know I'm not. If we're arguing, I'm sorry. If we don't see or talk to each other often, make a move and try to hang out with me. Odds are, I'm just too shy to ask. And if I keep asking, I really am sorry, it's probably just that I miss you. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable asking for help, or talking about these things with people for fear of rejection or being judged. That's why I post them here. Where only a select few will actually read them!
Yeah... I think that's it. I'm off to play... Something. Not sure what yet. Night guys,
Love,
-Nolan
PS I watched Hunger Games: Catching Fire today and hot damn it was good also I want to be kissed I really miss it okay good night now for reals
Thursday, February 20, 2014
02/20- Today's date without the year is a palindrome!
02-20? Exciting, right?
Ahahhhhhhh... Ahh.
Today was confusing. It certainly had its ups and downs.
It started out fantastic. I got to campus to go work out, and did pretty well. I ran a mile again. Not for time, but I did it fairly quickly, around 9:30 or something. I wasn't really trying to go faster than before, I just was doing it as warmup cardio. It was leg day, so it was fun. I was averaging about 110 pounds of resistance on most of the machines, and 90 on others. It was a good feeling.
After that, I went to get ready for class, and... Kind of made a dumb mistake and started a Facebook fight with one of my friend's exes. I mean, I really don't like that kid. I really, really don't. And I was in a great mood, so I decided that today would be the day that I let him know how I was feeling. And it did not go well.
He started giving me shit for things that I had no idea he even KNEW about. He started calling me out on some things that really, really hurt. And he was just basically talking about it like it was nothing, and giving me shit for it. I mean... I had already thought about some of the things he said, so it's not like it was new, it was just hard seeing it come from someone who shouldn't even know about it. He called me an obsessive stalker and an emotional vampire. And it... Hurt. A lot. Mostly because I used to be that way. And I know I was, okay? I wasn't the fucking healthiest kid in the head. I wasn't emotionally or mentally stable. But what goddamn right does he have to target someone's mental health when going for shots that are aimed to hurt someone?! I just... It really hurt me. I had an anxiety attack after that, because I was anxious about what people would say to me. I didn't want to be known like that. I was scared that people would admit to me that they thought I was an "emotional vampire", and they'd choose to tell me and it would just kill me more. He made fun of the fact that I was going to give that girl a Valentine's Day gift. First of all, yeah it was fucking cheesy no shit that's the point. Second of all, I knew that the girl was going to be somewhere all day, so I wanted her to have her favorite candy to start the day. I didn't... I didn't think I was that creepy. Apparently he did. And for all I know, she did too. He told me that I didn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings... That was never, ever true. I don't care what he says. I've always put peoples' feelings above mine, to an unhealthy degree at some points. Granted, I had an issue with expressing my feelings, but it wasn't because I didn't give a shit about someone else's. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He was out to hurt me, and he did. Mission accomplished. Now, when I went out and said what I did, I wasn't looking for a sense of accomplishment. I set out and said those things because it was bottled up inside and it seemed an appropriate time to let it out. Apparently it wasn't, because he was ready for it. Oh well.
And you know what?
I'm fucking over it. I could care less anymore. What he said gave me some things to really think about, and it also helped me realize a few things I didn't before.
So that's that. But fuck it. I don't give a shit what he thinks. Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. I mean obviously he's taller and buffer and could kick my ass in a fight but this isn't about that. This is about ME focusing on ME for the first time in my life. This is about doing what's best for me. So why should I care about what he thinks? He has no bearing on my life, and neither does the other guy who supported him. They are pointless extras in the movie of my life. They caught me in a moment of weakness, I'll give them that. But it won't happen again. Mostly because I don't care.
I just.
I don't know.
It hurts a lot. More than I'd like to admit.
He was just so... On point. He had the perfect insults and called me out on the precise things that used to tear me apart. And it worked. It hurt more than anything else he could have told me. He knew my insecurities better than almost anyone else I've ever met. Fucking hell shit ass dick fuck shit fuck fuck. I just... AAAHHH I don't know. I'm furious with myself along with him, and everything just emotionally went to shit at the beginning of the day, and it cast a shadow on the rest of the day. No matter how well it went, I'd have to tackle that moment later in the night.
And I'm tackling it now. On a blog. So you all can read it. Because god knows why. Only about... 3 people check up on this blog, one of them not as much anymore. I think I blog and vent because it's like there are people that I want to read this but I know won't, and there are people that I don't care if they read or not. So it's mostly just so I have a record of my feelings that I can physically record out and get out of my head. You all are just unlucky enough to bear the brunt of them.
I think I've finally picked out why I'm tackling my own emotional problems more now.
It's because I've had to tackle them alone. Not entirely alone, but mostly. When I got out of the hospital this time, I had my parents and a couple friends, but I didn't have anyone who loved me in a romantic way. I didn't have a girlfriend to cuddle with and feel better. I didn't have someone special to me that I could tell anything to. In fact, I came out of there with one less friend. Not because she wasn't my friend, but because she needed to be separate for her own mental health, (and because I needed a tiny bit of tough love), which I never had a problem with. It wasn't like she didn't care about me, it was just that she knew I needed some time alone.
But on top of that, after a few months out, I gained a friend that I could tell anything to. Recently, after things with that girl didn't turn out as planned, I initially went to that new friend, but she didn't have time for me, as she was going through her own shit. So I was alone again. The normal friends I talk to were busy, so I couldn't go to them. I didn't have anyone to sit down and mentally work it out with, save for myself. Which is why it led to drinking and crying before I tackled it. So I mean... I think I'm going to be doing better when I'm alone now. It won't be the end of the world. I didn't have anyone to defend me or anything like that today, so I kind of just... Took it. Which made it hurt more, but made it so that I can learn to deal with it myself.
Okay that's enough of that. I'm starting to tear up and get overwhelmed from the sheer amount of random emotions I'm feeling right now, so we're mooooooooving on.
Look I tried to get a picture of a cow saying "mooooving on" but couldn't find it so just deal with this for now. I think the caption on the site was something along the lines of "holy cow."
After that shitstorm, I went to class. Turns out no class! So I went home. After I got home, I made plans to hang out with my friend Amber, but I had a couple hours to spare so I went to Sara's house! It was great. She gave me a popsicle, we watched American Dad, and I taught her how to use Tumblr! I got to vent and cry to her a little bit (without actual crying), because I just... I had to talk to someone about what happened. She told me a few good things that helped a lot and encouraged me to just move past it like it didn't even happen. Which will be hard because the things I now have stuck in my mind are going to be hard to get out, but I will figure it out. After Sara, I went to get Taco Bell with Amber! Which was really fun. We talked about her horrible excuse for a boyfriend, housing situations, jobs, money, life in general. It was awesome. I headed home afterwards and immediately hopped on my computer to play Minecraft and be lazy, which I... Did. I should probably have dinner, which I'm going to go do now, so I'll end the blog around here.
One last thing... I've been thinking about it, and this is one of the very few times in my life where I don't have a crush on anyone at all, and I have literally no chance with any of the girls in my life. I'm basically forced to focus on myself until someone else important pops up. I just can't... I can't even begin to think of the effort that it takes to find someone new. I'm kind of fed up with other people at the moment, so this isn't a bad thing for me. I'll just have to wait. I mean, I keep hoping it'll be all cute and shit like How I Met Your Mother when I find my next relationship, but we'll see. All I know is I'm ready for some actual commitment. No more wasting half a year on someone only to be screwed over because they don't have the self-control to focus on one partner. I want a real, mature, healthy relationship. So that's... What I'm hoping I'll get next. Just gotta wait patiently.
In the mean time, however, I'll be working out, playing video games, and furthering my education to become a better person that can one day support his family.
Love,
-Nolan
Ahahhhhhhh... Ahh.
Today was confusing. It certainly had its ups and downs.
It started out fantastic. I got to campus to go work out, and did pretty well. I ran a mile again. Not for time, but I did it fairly quickly, around 9:30 or something. I wasn't really trying to go faster than before, I just was doing it as warmup cardio. It was leg day, so it was fun. I was averaging about 110 pounds of resistance on most of the machines, and 90 on others. It was a good feeling.
After that, I went to get ready for class, and... Kind of made a dumb mistake and started a Facebook fight with one of my friend's exes. I mean, I really don't like that kid. I really, really don't. And I was in a great mood, so I decided that today would be the day that I let him know how I was feeling. And it did not go well.
He started giving me shit for things that I had no idea he even KNEW about. He started calling me out on some things that really, really hurt. And he was just basically talking about it like it was nothing, and giving me shit for it. I mean... I had already thought about some of the things he said, so it's not like it was new, it was just hard seeing it come from someone who shouldn't even know about it. He called me an obsessive stalker and an emotional vampire. And it... Hurt. A lot. Mostly because I used to be that way. And I know I was, okay? I wasn't the fucking healthiest kid in the head. I wasn't emotionally or mentally stable. But what goddamn right does he have to target someone's mental health when going for shots that are aimed to hurt someone?! I just... It really hurt me. I had an anxiety attack after that, because I was anxious about what people would say to me. I didn't want to be known like that. I was scared that people would admit to me that they thought I was an "emotional vampire", and they'd choose to tell me and it would just kill me more. He made fun of the fact that I was going to give that girl a Valentine's Day gift. First of all, yeah it was fucking cheesy no shit that's the point. Second of all, I knew that the girl was going to be somewhere all day, so I wanted her to have her favorite candy to start the day. I didn't... I didn't think I was that creepy. Apparently he did. And for all I know, she did too. He told me that I didn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings... That was never, ever true. I don't care what he says. I've always put peoples' feelings above mine, to an unhealthy degree at some points. Granted, I had an issue with expressing my feelings, but it wasn't because I didn't give a shit about someone else's. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He was out to hurt me, and he did. Mission accomplished. Now, when I went out and said what I did, I wasn't looking for a sense of accomplishment. I set out and said those things because it was bottled up inside and it seemed an appropriate time to let it out. Apparently it wasn't, because he was ready for it. Oh well.
And you know what?
I'm fucking over it. I could care less anymore. What he said gave me some things to really think about, and it also helped me realize a few things I didn't before.
So that's that. But fuck it. I don't give a shit what he thinks. Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. I mean obviously he's taller and buffer and could kick my ass in a fight but this isn't about that. This is about ME focusing on ME for the first time in my life. This is about doing what's best for me. So why should I care about what he thinks? He has no bearing on my life, and neither does the other guy who supported him. They are pointless extras in the movie of my life. They caught me in a moment of weakness, I'll give them that. But it won't happen again. Mostly because I don't care.
I just.
I don't know.
It hurts a lot. More than I'd like to admit.
He was just so... On point. He had the perfect insults and called me out on the precise things that used to tear me apart. And it worked. It hurt more than anything else he could have told me. He knew my insecurities better than almost anyone else I've ever met. Fucking hell shit ass dick fuck shit fuck fuck. I just... AAAHHH I don't know. I'm furious with myself along with him, and everything just emotionally went to shit at the beginning of the day, and it cast a shadow on the rest of the day. No matter how well it went, I'd have to tackle that moment later in the night.
And I'm tackling it now. On a blog. So you all can read it. Because god knows why. Only about... 3 people check up on this blog, one of them not as much anymore. I think I blog and vent because it's like there are people that I want to read this but I know won't, and there are people that I don't care if they read or not. So it's mostly just so I have a record of my feelings that I can physically record out and get out of my head. You all are just unlucky enough to bear the brunt of them.
I think I've finally picked out why I'm tackling my own emotional problems more now.
It's because I've had to tackle them alone. Not entirely alone, but mostly. When I got out of the hospital this time, I had my parents and a couple friends, but I didn't have anyone who loved me in a romantic way. I didn't have a girlfriend to cuddle with and feel better. I didn't have someone special to me that I could tell anything to. In fact, I came out of there with one less friend. Not because she wasn't my friend, but because she needed to be separate for her own mental health, (and because I needed a tiny bit of tough love), which I never had a problem with. It wasn't like she didn't care about me, it was just that she knew I needed some time alone.
But on top of that, after a few months out, I gained a friend that I could tell anything to. Recently, after things with that girl didn't turn out as planned, I initially went to that new friend, but she didn't have time for me, as she was going through her own shit. So I was alone again. The normal friends I talk to were busy, so I couldn't go to them. I didn't have anyone to sit down and mentally work it out with, save for myself. Which is why it led to drinking and crying before I tackled it. So I mean... I think I'm going to be doing better when I'm alone now. It won't be the end of the world. I didn't have anyone to defend me or anything like that today, so I kind of just... Took it. Which made it hurt more, but made it so that I can learn to deal with it myself.
Okay that's enough of that. I'm starting to tear up and get overwhelmed from the sheer amount of random emotions I'm feeling right now, so we're mooooooooving on.
Look I tried to get a picture of a cow saying "mooooving on" but couldn't find it so just deal with this for now. I think the caption on the site was something along the lines of "holy cow."
After that shitstorm, I went to class. Turns out no class! So I went home. After I got home, I made plans to hang out with my friend Amber, but I had a couple hours to spare so I went to Sara's house! It was great. She gave me a popsicle, we watched American Dad, and I taught her how to use Tumblr! I got to vent and cry to her a little bit (without actual crying), because I just... I had to talk to someone about what happened. She told me a few good things that helped a lot and encouraged me to just move past it like it didn't even happen. Which will be hard because the things I now have stuck in my mind are going to be hard to get out, but I will figure it out. After Sara, I went to get Taco Bell with Amber! Which was really fun. We talked about her horrible excuse for a boyfriend, housing situations, jobs, money, life in general. It was awesome. I headed home afterwards and immediately hopped on my computer to play Minecraft and be lazy, which I... Did. I should probably have dinner, which I'm going to go do now, so I'll end the blog around here.
One last thing... I've been thinking about it, and this is one of the very few times in my life where I don't have a crush on anyone at all, and I have literally no chance with any of the girls in my life. I'm basically forced to focus on myself until someone else important pops up. I just can't... I can't even begin to think of the effort that it takes to find someone new. I'm kind of fed up with other people at the moment, so this isn't a bad thing for me. I'll just have to wait. I mean, I keep hoping it'll be all cute and shit like How I Met Your Mother when I find my next relationship, but we'll see. All I know is I'm ready for some actual commitment. No more wasting half a year on someone only to be screwed over because they don't have the self-control to focus on one partner. I want a real, mature, healthy relationship. So that's... What I'm hoping I'll get next. Just gotta wait patiently.
In the mean time, however, I'll be working out, playing video games, and furthering my education to become a better person that can one day support his family.
Love,
-Nolan
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
02/18- I AM QUITE SORE
Like hot DAMN yesterday's workout worked well. My abs and sides and lower back are killing me. And I have to use them again tomorrow when I work out again. It'll be fun! Today was legs day, and I did either 90 or up to 130 pounds of resistance on everything, except for the stupid prone leg curl. I can't do above 70 on that one yet. I weighed myself and came out around 155 or so, which is near 10 pounds more than I was when I started 5 weeks ago. Everyone says not to worry so I won't, but I was kinda bummed out cause I wanted to lose at least a little weight.
What did I do todayyyy... Worked out, class, home, video games. Normal stuff. I had a miniature panic attack today when I saw someone I didn't particularly want to see, but I made it out fine and bought a lemonade as a personal reward. Got home and played... I don't remember. Games, undoubtedly. I managed to upgrade my graphics on Minecraft and now it looks absolutely gorgeous, which means I should probably actually play it once in a while, which I'll probably do in a few minutes after I finish this post. At least until I decide to go to bed.
Uhh yeah! That's... Really it. I can't think of anything good to talk about. I'm gonna head off and play some relaxing Minecraft before bed time. Have a good night everyone!
Love,
-Nolan
What did I do todayyyy... Worked out, class, home, video games. Normal stuff. I had a miniature panic attack today when I saw someone I didn't particularly want to see, but I made it out fine and bought a lemonade as a personal reward. Got home and played... I don't remember. Games, undoubtedly. I managed to upgrade my graphics on Minecraft and now it looks absolutely gorgeous, which means I should probably actually play it once in a while, which I'll probably do in a few minutes after I finish this post. At least until I decide to go to bed.
Uhh yeah! That's... Really it. I can't think of anything good to talk about. I'm gonna head off and play some relaxing Minecraft before bed time. Have a good night everyone!
Love,
-Nolan
Monday, February 17, 2014
02/17- Do you ever have that one series you watch over and over?
Yeah.
Baka and Test is for me. This will be the... Probably 3rd or 4th time I've re-watched it. I mean there's only one season on Netflix but still. It's just so perfectly hilarious that I'll watch it over and over again.
Funny stuff.
How was today... Well my work out was successful, as I'm sore. Today was arms and shoulders, along with abs. I've made it a personal rule that with arms and shoulders, I have to use no less than 50 pounds of resistance. With chest and back, no less than 70 pounds, and no less than 90 for my legs. My arms are pretty damn weak, so it's fair. I can leg press around 200 pounds if I really try, but to get good form I stick around 130-150. Same with arm stuff. I could do about 70 on the curls, but I'd lose my form. So I stick with light stuff and lots of reps. Endurance and lean muscle and such. At least that's my plan. Gotta get sexy by summer.
Howwwwww was my day... Uh it was alright. Working out felt great. I got up extra early so I took my time and did really well with all my exercises, and added a new machine to my routine. My body hurtttttts. But not badly. Just enough to prove that I did something worthwhile.
It's warming up outside!
Geez I sound like awkward small talk on a first date.
Lame.
I'm having issues thinking straight. I've been really unfocused all day, and it's frustrating me. I don't know what the problem is. It might just be remnants of my emotionally stressful weekend, but it might be just because... I don't know. It was a boring day I guess. Not bad, just boring.
After classes, I spent my day playing games and being lazy. Same as always. I studied and smoked hookah as well, which was fun.
Yeahhhh.
That's our day.
Night!
-Nolan
Baka and Test is for me. This will be the... Probably 3rd or 4th time I've re-watched it. I mean there's only one season on Netflix but still. It's just so perfectly hilarious that I'll watch it over and over again.
Funny stuff.
How was today... Well my work out was successful, as I'm sore. Today was arms and shoulders, along with abs. I've made it a personal rule that with arms and shoulders, I have to use no less than 50 pounds of resistance. With chest and back, no less than 70 pounds, and no less than 90 for my legs. My arms are pretty damn weak, so it's fair. I can leg press around 200 pounds if I really try, but to get good form I stick around 130-150. Same with arm stuff. I could do about 70 on the curls, but I'd lose my form. So I stick with light stuff and lots of reps. Endurance and lean muscle and such. At least that's my plan. Gotta get sexy by summer.
Howwwwww was my day... Uh it was alright. Working out felt great. I got up extra early so I took my time and did really well with all my exercises, and added a new machine to my routine. My body hurtttttts. But not badly. Just enough to prove that I did something worthwhile.
It's warming up outside!
Geez I sound like awkward small talk on a first date.
Lame.
I'm having issues thinking straight. I've been really unfocused all day, and it's frustrating me. I don't know what the problem is. It might just be remnants of my emotionally stressful weekend, but it might be just because... I don't know. It was a boring day I guess. Not bad, just boring.
After classes, I spent my day playing games and being lazy. Same as always. I studied and smoked hookah as well, which was fun.
Yeahhhh.
That's our day.
Night!
-Nolan
Sunday, February 16, 2014
02/16- I was remotely healthy today!
No seriously! Since my today was my rest day from working out, I chose to try and eat super-healthy.
Anyway, let's continue. Ian came over yesterday and we played games. Today we played games more! Then he went home.
I spent the day smoking hookah, studying, and trying to decide on a video game to play. Never really made up my mind, and I've been bouncing around game-to-game all evening. But back to the healthy part.
For breakfast/lunch, I had a bag of whole grain brown rice with chicken and red peppers, and a fruit smoothie consisting of frozen fruit and yogurt as a drink. Then for dinner I had a bowl and a half or so of pasta with pepperjack cheese! So now I'm sufficiently loaded and ready for arms and shoulders day tomorrow morning.
That's... Kinda it.
I don't have much else to say. I'm tired, I have a headache, and I'm a tiny bit emotional off of a video that a friend posted about how love isn't supposed to hurt. So... I'm probably going to go to bed.
Yeahhhh it's only 10, but my head is killing me. And I have to be up at 6:30 tomorrow, so sleep would be good to have. Ah well. I'm off to bed now guys. Sleep well! I look forward to working out again tomorrow, I kind of missed it today.
Love,
-Nolan
Anyway, let's continue. Ian came over yesterday and we played games. Today we played games more! Then he went home.
I spent the day smoking hookah, studying, and trying to decide on a video game to play. Never really made up my mind, and I've been bouncing around game-to-game all evening. But back to the healthy part.
For breakfast/lunch, I had a bag of whole grain brown rice with chicken and red peppers, and a fruit smoothie consisting of frozen fruit and yogurt as a drink. Then for dinner I had a bowl and a half or so of pasta with pepperjack cheese! So now I'm sufficiently loaded and ready for arms and shoulders day tomorrow morning.
That's... Kinda it.
I don't have much else to say. I'm tired, I have a headache, and I'm a tiny bit emotional off of a video that a friend posted about how love isn't supposed to hurt. So... I'm probably going to go to bed.
Yeahhhh it's only 10, but my head is killing me. And I have to be up at 6:30 tomorrow, so sleep would be good to have. Ah well. I'm off to bed now guys. Sleep well! I look forward to working out again tomorrow, I kind of missed it today.
Love,
-Nolan
02/15- I missed Valentine's Day D:
Oh noooooooo I missed blogging on Valentine's Dayyyyyy what an atrocityyyyyyyyy.
...
Nah I don't really care.
I can't remember much of what happened yesterday. I mean, I woke up not being friendly. After the night I had had, I didn't really like people in general. So I did the logical thing and went straight to the gym. Then class. Then came home and played the TITANFALL BETA CAUSE OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY IT AHHHHHHH. Then Geoff came over, and we spent the night playing Titanfall and other games.
I took him home today, and then went straight to the gym, because I wasn't in the mood to deal with my emotions, I chose to be awesome instead. I'm proud of myself! It was legs day, and my goal for the day was to use 90 pounds of resistance on all the machines I'd use for the day. And I did! A few of them I even used 110 or 130 pounds. I felt very proud of myself.
After my workout, I went home and played more Titanfall, then League of Legends with Lizzi, then Ian came over! We played some games, and I pretty much came up to bed after a few hours because it was just getting to that point in the night where I needed to be alone.
Now, how have I been feeling.
Eh... Not as bad as I thought I would be by now. I mean, it still sucks. I still hurt. A lot. But in reality, what I wanted most out of that girl was a definite answer, be it yes or no. Okay what I wanted most out of her was to be with her, but that's secondary to the other point haha. The answer is the more important thing. I was prepared for a no, just... Wasn't prepared for a no when she was frustrated with me. But it happened, it's over with, and it's in the past. No point in being fed up with something that I can't change, and something that has no bearing on my life now. Part of me is slightly content that I got some freedom from the constant weight of my feelings for her. I mean, I'll probably always have a little bit of them. Then again, I still have minor feelings for a few other girls that I had a thing with, but none of the feelings are strong enough to hurt me or make life hard on me. So even if I still kind of have that "what if" feeling, I know that I'll reach the point where that won't effect me any more. I just gotta make it to that point.
This all sounds a little too good to be true, I know. It sounds like I'm just saying this to allay any suspicion that I'm not in pain. I'll freely admit I hurt, I mean really. I got drunk and cried when I heard that answer. But sobering up made me very calm and collected, and I thought through it and decided I have no reason to be a little bitch about it any more. I'm going to be happy, and nobody will fucking stop me from achieving that, because I am a boss-ass bitch.
For the first time in my entire life, I legitimately am believing what I'm saying to people. Yeah it hurts. But if she's not someone I'm supposed to end up with, that just means someone else is. The thing I'm struggling with most is the fact that we had the same taste in so many common things. Cars, music, hobbies, movies, video games, books, TV shows... Everything. We had so much common ground. So to me, I'm having issues coming to grips with the fact that there's some other girl out there who will have the same taste in those things that I do. I've never met a girl like her, so I always thought that she and I were a good fit. I can't get everything I want, but I suppose I'll find a girl out there with similar tastes in things as well. It's just hard to imagine another girl like that at this point, you know? But I'll find her. I've watched enough How I Met Your Mother to know how my life will turn out. Cause life is just like TV, right? ...Right?
No, but seriously, I've been thinking of it in perspective to that show! It's stupid, I know, so bear with me. The way I see it, I'm dealing with the same things that Ted dealt with. Getting over someone whom he's clearly not going to be with. They even said that love was feeling the same way for someone, even when everyone else "Rolls their eyes at you." Which perfectly described how I felt towards her. I mean, after 9 years you think I would have given up. But I didn't. So people would roll their eyes when I said I still felt like I had a chance with her. There's a very dramatic part of this episode where Ted lets the girl go and she pretty much floats away like a balloon. Obviously I can't do that. But I mean... If it's time for me to let go of this girl, then I need to. It doesn't mean that 9 years of of feelings for her was a waste, it just means that they were misplaced. I'm working on letting go, which I know I can do, now that I have a definite, 100% no. Obviously I'd probably be okay with a change in answer at some point in my life haha, but I'm sincerely doubting that, so I'll just treat it like I have no chance with her, as it's a better option.
I mean... Yeah. I'll be fine. I know I will. It'll be hard. But I know I will be. It's so much easier knowing that I have an answer. That makes it so I can actually begin my process of letting go of my feelings for her, and starting to actually move on and find the girl I'm supposed to be with!
I think... Yeah that's really it. I'm exhausted and I could use some sleep.
And you, if you're reading this, I will be fine. I promise I will. You know that I don't lie about my feelings on my blog, especially not in this long of a post. Yes, I hurt. Yes, it's unpleasant to feel this way. But no, I won't do anything stupid. I'll be fine dear. I really will. I just need to figure out how to mentally tackle this shit. I'm stronger than most people know, even including you. I have some strength deep down there that I never really tapped into, but I am now. I'll become strong and tough and stable, and you'll be impressed. Just you watch.
Sleep well everyone! Have a wonderful night.
Love,
-Nolan
...
Nah I don't really care.
I can't remember much of what happened yesterday. I mean, I woke up not being friendly. After the night I had had, I didn't really like people in general. So I did the logical thing and went straight to the gym. Then class. Then came home and played the TITANFALL BETA CAUSE OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY IT AHHHHHHH. Then Geoff came over, and we spent the night playing Titanfall and other games.
I took him home today, and then went straight to the gym, because I wasn't in the mood to deal with my emotions, I chose to be awesome instead. I'm proud of myself! It was legs day, and my goal for the day was to use 90 pounds of resistance on all the machines I'd use for the day. And I did! A few of them I even used 110 or 130 pounds. I felt very proud of myself.
After my workout, I went home and played more Titanfall, then League of Legends with Lizzi, then Ian came over! We played some games, and I pretty much came up to bed after a few hours because it was just getting to that point in the night where I needed to be alone.
Now, how have I been feeling.
Eh... Not as bad as I thought I would be by now. I mean, it still sucks. I still hurt. A lot. But in reality, what I wanted most out of that girl was a definite answer, be it yes or no. Okay what I wanted most out of her was to be with her, but that's secondary to the other point haha. The answer is the more important thing. I was prepared for a no, just... Wasn't prepared for a no when she was frustrated with me. But it happened, it's over with, and it's in the past. No point in being fed up with something that I can't change, and something that has no bearing on my life now. Part of me is slightly content that I got some freedom from the constant weight of my feelings for her. I mean, I'll probably always have a little bit of them. Then again, I still have minor feelings for a few other girls that I had a thing with, but none of the feelings are strong enough to hurt me or make life hard on me. So even if I still kind of have that "what if" feeling, I know that I'll reach the point where that won't effect me any more. I just gotta make it to that point.
This all sounds a little too good to be true, I know. It sounds like I'm just saying this to allay any suspicion that I'm not in pain. I'll freely admit I hurt, I mean really. I got drunk and cried when I heard that answer. But sobering up made me very calm and collected, and I thought through it and decided I have no reason to be a little bitch about it any more. I'm going to be happy, and nobody will fucking stop me from achieving that, because I am a boss-ass bitch.
For the first time in my entire life, I legitimately am believing what I'm saying to people. Yeah it hurts. But if she's not someone I'm supposed to end up with, that just means someone else is. The thing I'm struggling with most is the fact that we had the same taste in so many common things. Cars, music, hobbies, movies, video games, books, TV shows... Everything. We had so much common ground. So to me, I'm having issues coming to grips with the fact that there's some other girl out there who will have the same taste in those things that I do. I've never met a girl like her, so I always thought that she and I were a good fit. I can't get everything I want, but I suppose I'll find a girl out there with similar tastes in things as well. It's just hard to imagine another girl like that at this point, you know? But I'll find her. I've watched enough How I Met Your Mother to know how my life will turn out. Cause life is just like TV, right? ...Right?
No, but seriously, I've been thinking of it in perspective to that show! It's stupid, I know, so bear with me. The way I see it, I'm dealing with the same things that Ted dealt with. Getting over someone whom he's clearly not going to be with. They even said that love was feeling the same way for someone, even when everyone else "Rolls their eyes at you." Which perfectly described how I felt towards her. I mean, after 9 years you think I would have given up. But I didn't. So people would roll their eyes when I said I still felt like I had a chance with her. There's a very dramatic part of this episode where Ted lets the girl go and she pretty much floats away like a balloon. Obviously I can't do that. But I mean... If it's time for me to let go of this girl, then I need to. It doesn't mean that 9 years of of feelings for her was a waste, it just means that they were misplaced. I'm working on letting go, which I know I can do, now that I have a definite, 100% no. Obviously I'd probably be okay with a change in answer at some point in my life haha, but I'm sincerely doubting that, so I'll just treat it like I have no chance with her, as it's a better option.
I mean... Yeah. I'll be fine. I know I will. It'll be hard. But I know I will be. It's so much easier knowing that I have an answer. That makes it so I can actually begin my process of letting go of my feelings for her, and starting to actually move on and find the girl I'm supposed to be with!
I think... Yeah that's really it. I'm exhausted and I could use some sleep.
And you, if you're reading this, I will be fine. I promise I will. You know that I don't lie about my feelings on my blog, especially not in this long of a post. Yes, I hurt. Yes, it's unpleasant to feel this way. But no, I won't do anything stupid. I'll be fine dear. I really will. I just need to figure out how to mentally tackle this shit. I'm stronger than most people know, even including you. I have some strength deep down there that I never really tapped into, but I am now. I'll become strong and tough and stable, and you'll be impressed. Just you watch.
Sleep well everyone! Have a wonderful night.
Love,
-Nolan
Thursday, February 13, 2014
02/13- Nope, Take 2.
So I'm blogging tonight. I changed my mind.
Last time I chose to be a pissy little brat and not blog because I was whiny, somebody changed my mind by calling me out on it.
This time, I called myself out on it.
Basically, that girl that I was interested in isn't as interested in me. As in she isn't at all. So, I'm a little upset. We had an argument because I did something kinda stupid and she called me out on it, and it progressed from there to when I told her that if she didn't feel the same way she could just tell me. Which she did. At least I got what I asked for, and I'm not waiting in suspense to find out any more! I just wish I could have found out when she wasn't frustrated with me you know? I mean, I had this whole thing planned out with a little bag full of Hello Kitty gummies in like a tin purse thing, and a little Chinese takeout box full of Almond Joys, with about 20 or so of those Tumblr Valentine's Day Cards that I printed out at school today, with a letter tossed in there explaining in flowery phrasing and details how I felt and just basically asking her to take a chance with me, or at least tell me to my face that she didn't want to.
Alas, I chose to do the stupid thing and just kind of ruin my own plans... And it's upsetting me a little bit, not gonna lie. I could have prevented everything about that argument, which is pissing me off! Thinking back, it was a stupid decision and I really regret it. If I had just stayed with my giving her Valentine's Day candy and stuff plan, it wouldn't have necessarily changed the outcome. But at least it would have been more pleasant for both of us.
So I made a logical decision got drunk and cried.
I don't regret that, actually. I mean, it wasn't like a great coping method or something, I've just always wanted to get turned down then drown my sorrows in drinking at least once in my life. But it allowed me to shamelessly cry a few tears and be upset. When I sobered up, I thought back on what happened.
Yeah, I could have prevented the manner in which it happened. I could handled it better. I shouldn't have asked her how she felt when she was frustrated. It probably would have come out a little differently if she was telling me over a bag of Almond Joys and cheesy cards as opposed to when she was annoyed with my actions (and rightfully so). It may not have been a different answer, but it might have sounded different. I don't know of course, but I can hope.
The question now is what do I do with the things I got her? Well, I'm probably not going to give them to her as planned. I don't know if I'm going to drop them on her doorstep. My friends are all saying no, but... I don't know. It's not like she suddenly started hating her favorite candy. It's not like they would taste bad, right? If I do put them on her doorstep, I'll probably just take out the letter and leave the rest. I mean, I don't really need to ask for an answer anymore haha. I probably will give out the candy to people who look like they're having a shit day. She put up this Facebook status that may or may not have been directed at me, I honestly have no idea. But even if it is, I deserve what she said, and she did speak the truth haha.
Now, how am I feeling about all this?
Well.
It sucks, not going to lie. I waited a long time to get this chance, annnnnd pretty much made it so it didn't turn out how I'd expected. So of course I'm alittle lot disappointed in myself. I was rude, I was immature, and did shit that I shouldn't have done if I really deserved her. Obviously it's not like I ruined my chance all at once. I mean she still would have said no no matter how I asked. I just... I really got my hopes up, you know? I thought my chances were at least pretty strong. But she said no pretty strongly, so I guess she already knew it was coming.
And you know what?
That's okay.
I can live without being in a relationship with her. At this point, all I want from her is to know that we can still be friends at least. Since I won't pursue her, I won't make stupid decisions like I did, and I won't do anything like that. I just... Yeah. I really, really, fervently hope that she'll be okay with us being friends still. I love playing League with her and going cruising and going through car washes. I fucked up, and I apologized, now I just... Have to wait. Which is the worst part. But I have to give her space big time, and avoid trying to make her talk to me. It's not my decision. Which sucks because letting something out of my control just doesn't work well with me. I have to let it take its course. That's the most I can do right now.
If you're reading this, I apologize again. I acted in a pathetic and immature way. I hope you'll forgive me sometime so we can still play that game I got you, along with League.
At least I'm doing... Okay. I don't know if this means it'll hit me hard later on, or what exactly will happen with my mood. But I'm determined to be okay and keep my head up. I've thought before what would happen if it turns out she wasn't interested me, and I didn't expect that I'd be right. See, I thought that it would go with me getting drunk and being sad, but then when I sobered up I'd start to be okay because I'd think through it and deal with what comes. And I was so right. I mean, I'm not happy at the moment. At all. Like zero. But I'm not abnormally depressed. I'm not thinking of hurting myself. I'm actually craving getting to the gym. That's how I punish myself now. I work hard at the gym and up the resistance weights on the machines and force myself to work harder as punishment for feeling hurt over something that I shouldn't feel that hurt over. Yeah, this sucks. Yeah, I'm probably going to randomly tear tomorrow. But I'll fucking figure this shit out. It's not the end of the goddamn world just because a girl doesn't care for me the way I care for her. She's not the one for me; I get that. So it's time to move on and find another girl who it might be.
That's the attitude I'm choosing to hold onto. I'm refusing to let this get me down. In 30 years, this will be an insignificant event. I've always been horrible at letting my emotions get the best of me. And this time, I'm changing that. I'm going to make this the first time that I handled this shit correctly and didn't let it hit me with the force of a tank! I am not going to be a little bitch about this. I'll fucking handle this.
I realize I'm putting a lot of emphasis on this, but that's because I desperately need to vent and my friends were all really busy and unable to come over, so you guys are my audience while I vent to you about my day. Sorry!
Everything else was pretty... Normal. Woke up. Worked out (Leg day). Went to class. Came home. And yeah.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah!
That's... My day.
I mostly just wanted to vent about that.
Yup.
-Nolan
Last time I chose to be a pissy little brat and not blog because I was whiny, somebody changed my mind by calling me out on it.
This time, I called myself out on it.
Basically, that girl that I was interested in isn't as interested in me. As in she isn't at all. So, I'm a little upset. We had an argument because I did something kinda stupid and she called me out on it, and it progressed from there to when I told her that if she didn't feel the same way she could just tell me. Which she did. At least I got what I asked for, and I'm not waiting in suspense to find out any more! I just wish I could have found out when she wasn't frustrated with me you know? I mean, I had this whole thing planned out with a little bag full of Hello Kitty gummies in like a tin purse thing, and a little Chinese takeout box full of Almond Joys, with about 20 or so of those Tumblr Valentine's Day Cards that I printed out at school today, with a letter tossed in there explaining in flowery phrasing and details how I felt and just basically asking her to take a chance with me, or at least tell me to my face that she didn't want to.
Alas, I chose to do the stupid thing and just kind of ruin my own plans... And it's upsetting me a little bit, not gonna lie. I could have prevented everything about that argument, which is pissing me off! Thinking back, it was a stupid decision and I really regret it. If I had just stayed with my giving her Valentine's Day candy and stuff plan, it wouldn't have necessarily changed the outcome. But at least it would have been more pleasant for both of us.
So I made a logical decision got drunk and cried.
I don't regret that, actually. I mean, it wasn't like a great coping method or something, I've just always wanted to get turned down then drown my sorrows in drinking at least once in my life. But it allowed me to shamelessly cry a few tears and be upset. When I sobered up, I thought back on what happened.
Yeah, I could have prevented the manner in which it happened. I could handled it better. I shouldn't have asked her how she felt when she was frustrated. It probably would have come out a little differently if she was telling me over a bag of Almond Joys and cheesy cards as opposed to when she was annoyed with my actions (and rightfully so). It may not have been a different answer, but it might have sounded different. I don't know of course, but I can hope.
The question now is what do I do with the things I got her? Well, I'm probably not going to give them to her as planned. I don't know if I'm going to drop them on her doorstep. My friends are all saying no, but... I don't know. It's not like she suddenly started hating her favorite candy. It's not like they would taste bad, right? If I do put them on her doorstep, I'll probably just take out the letter and leave the rest. I mean, I don't really need to ask for an answer anymore haha. I probably will give out the candy to people who look like they're having a shit day. She put up this Facebook status that may or may not have been directed at me, I honestly have no idea. But even if it is, I deserve what she said, and she did speak the truth haha.
Now, how am I feeling about all this?
Well.
It sucks, not going to lie. I waited a long time to get this chance, annnnnd pretty much made it so it didn't turn out how I'd expected. So of course I'm a
And you know what?
That's okay.
I can live without being in a relationship with her. At this point, all I want from her is to know that we can still be friends at least. Since I won't pursue her, I won't make stupid decisions like I did, and I won't do anything like that. I just... Yeah. I really, really, fervently hope that she'll be okay with us being friends still. I love playing League with her and going cruising and going through car washes. I fucked up, and I apologized, now I just... Have to wait. Which is the worst part. But I have to give her space big time, and avoid trying to make her talk to me. It's not my decision. Which sucks because letting something out of my control just doesn't work well with me. I have to let it take its course. That's the most I can do right now.
If you're reading this, I apologize again. I acted in a pathetic and immature way. I hope you'll forgive me sometime so we can still play that game I got you, along with League.
At least I'm doing... Okay. I don't know if this means it'll hit me hard later on, or what exactly will happen with my mood. But I'm determined to be okay and keep my head up. I've thought before what would happen if it turns out she wasn't interested me, and I didn't expect that I'd be right. See, I thought that it would go with me getting drunk and being sad, but then when I sobered up I'd start to be okay because I'd think through it and deal with what comes. And I was so right. I mean, I'm not happy at the moment. At all. Like zero. But I'm not abnormally depressed. I'm not thinking of hurting myself. I'm actually craving getting to the gym. That's how I punish myself now. I work hard at the gym and up the resistance weights on the machines and force myself to work harder as punishment for feeling hurt over something that I shouldn't feel that hurt over. Yeah, this sucks. Yeah, I'm probably going to randomly tear tomorrow. But I'll fucking figure this shit out. It's not the end of the goddamn world just because a girl doesn't care for me the way I care for her. She's not the one for me; I get that. So it's time to move on and find another girl who it might be.
That's the attitude I'm choosing to hold onto. I'm refusing to let this get me down. In 30 years, this will be an insignificant event. I've always been horrible at letting my emotions get the best of me. And this time, I'm changing that. I'm going to make this the first time that I handled this shit correctly and didn't let it hit me with the force of a tank! I am not going to be a little bitch about this. I'll fucking handle this.
I realize I'm putting a lot of emphasis on this, but that's because I desperately need to vent and my friends were all really busy and unable to come over, so you guys are my audience while I vent to you about my day. Sorry!
Everything else was pretty... Normal. Woke up. Worked out (Leg day). Went to class. Came home. And yeah.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah!
That's... My day.
I mostly just wanted to vent about that.
Yup.
-Nolan
My mantra for the night.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
02/12- Huh
How was today?
I dunno. I don't remember!
I'm tired and sleepy and braindead and slightly disappointed in myself, but that's okay. It's bed time, so it's expected.
Let's see...
Worked out, went to class, came home, studied, played League with Lizzi and some other friends.
That's... Really it.
I'm not feeling so hot right now, so I'm getting some sleep. Gotta wake up and work out again. Night night.
-Nolan
I dunno. I don't remember!
I'm tired and sleepy and braindead and slightly disappointed in myself, but that's okay. It's bed time, so it's expected.
Let's see...
Worked out, went to class, came home, studied, played League with Lizzi and some other friends.
That's... Really it.
I'm not feeling so hot right now, so I'm getting some sleep. Gotta wake up and work out again. Night night.
-Nolan
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
02/11- Hmmmmmmmmm.
Today was, even for my standards, pretty boring. I didn't really... Do anything. I mean obviously I worked out and went to class, but when I got home I basically played Payday 2 and watched How I Met Your Mother for the evening. The studying I was going to do kind of got put aside... Not because I actively did, but because I forgot repeatedly. I'm not good at it. So I'm going to do a little review before bed, at least reading for what we're learning tomorrow.
Whoops, just kicked out the power cable and my computer lost power. Kinda scared me at first.
Anyway.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness it's so warm outside I love it. Warm being above freezing. I looovvvvvvve it. And it also means we're one day closer to the return of grip season, so my car will be more fun to drive too.
HIMYM made me tear up today. They described a few feelings a little too accurately and it broke my heart at the same time as it made it grow two sizes. It was weird. I downloaded an app that's supposed to be an alarm clock and wake you up at the point in your sleep cycle that you're sleeping lightest so you don't feel groggy. People say it works sooooo I'm giving it a shot.
Hmm...
I think that's it. I have nothing else to really say. Gotta work out tomorrow so that's gonna be fun. It's chest, back, and abs day. I've started putting abs days on the same days I do upper-body stuff as opposed to being on leg day. I think I'll start adding the rowing machine to my list of "things I use for cardio as a warm-up."
Uhh... Yeah! That's it really. Have a good night everyone, sleep well.
Love,
-Nolan
Whoops, just kicked out the power cable and my computer lost power. Kinda scared me at first.
Anyway.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness it's so warm outside I love it. Warm being above freezing. I looovvvvvvve it. And it also means we're one day closer to the return of grip season, so my car will be more fun to drive too.
HIMYM made me tear up today. They described a few feelings a little too accurately and it broke my heart at the same time as it made it grow two sizes. It was weird. I downloaded an app that's supposed to be an alarm clock and wake you up at the point in your sleep cycle that you're sleeping lightest so you don't feel groggy. People say it works sooooo I'm giving it a shot.
Hmm...
I think that's it. I have nothing else to really say. Gotta work out tomorrow so that's gonna be fun. It's chest, back, and abs day. I've started putting abs days on the same days I do upper-body stuff as opposed to being on leg day. I think I'll start adding the rowing machine to my list of "things I use for cardio as a warm-up."
Uhh... Yeah! That's it really. Have a good night everyone, sleep well.
Love,
-Nolan
02/10- Todayyyyyyyy... I was lazy.
Very, very lazy. I mean, I don't have my first class all this week, so I can delay my waking up by an extra hour. I still got up and worked out, which was good. I noticed some improvement in terms of how much I consider easier to use as resistance on the machines, and I actually saw some muscle definition. Not much, but enough to give me a confidence boost. I worked out, went to class, and came home. When I came home, I got some studying done, along with some cleaning, then basically played League of Legends online with Lizzi and some of her friends for the rest of the evening. Like, from 4 until about 30 minutes ago. So I had some last-minute math to finish, but hey, I still got it done.
I think I'm doing really well mentally and emotionally. I mean, you all know that the whole thing with that girl I'm interested in is kinda at a stalemate right now, so there's not much I can do except occasionally overthink things. But Christine told me multiple times that if there's literally nothing I can do, then I have no reason to freak out over it, which took me a while to understand. If I have no control over something, then I really shouldn't freak out or stress over it, considering it can either go the way I'd prefer, another way. But either way, I'll live with it. It's life, it has ups and downs. I need to learn to accept the changes in my life, whether they be positive or negative, the ones I want or the ones I don't want. You know? I just... I don't know. It's hard to explain. We all know how I want this situation to go, but it might not turn out that way. But if it doesn't, I'll still have become a healthier person over the past few months, and I'll continue to become healthier. Yeahhh, having someone special to me is something I love, and I'd have her on my team. I don't want a relationship like the last one I had. I want someone who's insanely independent and can do fine without someone on her arm, but chooses to allow me to be there because she wants me there. I want an equal, someone I can share my experiences with and just... Be friends but more than friends. I have no idea how to describe it. A girlfriend who's my best friend is what I'm thinking. Butttttttt if I can't, that's the way it's supposed to be. I can't force something that isn't meant to be. I've tried that, and it didn't go so well. So I'd rather be heartbroken for a few weeks than make a bad move and be broken for months on end. Does that make sense? I hope it does.
Sooooo what else... I'm really tired and I should sleep, but something is telling me to keep blogging. I don't know. It's weird. I guess I should bring a notepad with me to the gym and start writing down the resistances that I use on the machines so I can see some improvement in a more definite form, as opposed to just remembering which resistances I use. I'm starting to use the machines that are meant for ab workouts too, and I can feel them working. And it hurts so good. I never thought I'd come to love the soreness after a workout, but apparently I have.
Alright, I think that's it. It's sleepy time. I gotta be up in a little under 8 hours to get a good workout in along with taking a math test. Woo. Sleep well everybody.
Love,
-Nolan
I think I'm doing really well mentally and emotionally. I mean, you all know that the whole thing with that girl I'm interested in is kinda at a stalemate right now, so there's not much I can do except occasionally overthink things. But Christine told me multiple times that if there's literally nothing I can do, then I have no reason to freak out over it, which took me a while to understand. If I have no control over something, then I really shouldn't freak out or stress over it, considering it can either go the way I'd prefer, another way. But either way, I'll live with it. It's life, it has ups and downs. I need to learn to accept the changes in my life, whether they be positive or negative, the ones I want or the ones I don't want. You know? I just... I don't know. It's hard to explain. We all know how I want this situation to go, but it might not turn out that way. But if it doesn't, I'll still have become a healthier person over the past few months, and I'll continue to become healthier. Yeahhh, having someone special to me is something I love, and I'd have her on my team. I don't want a relationship like the last one I had. I want someone who's insanely independent and can do fine without someone on her arm, but chooses to allow me to be there because she wants me there. I want an equal, someone I can share my experiences with and just... Be friends but more than friends. I have no idea how to describe it. A girlfriend who's my best friend is what I'm thinking. Butttttttt if I can't, that's the way it's supposed to be. I can't force something that isn't meant to be. I've tried that, and it didn't go so well. So I'd rather be heartbroken for a few weeks than make a bad move and be broken for months on end. Does that make sense? I hope it does.
Sooooo what else... I'm really tired and I should sleep, but something is telling me to keep blogging. I don't know. It's weird. I guess I should bring a notepad with me to the gym and start writing down the resistances that I use on the machines so I can see some improvement in a more definite form, as opposed to just remembering which resistances I use. I'm starting to use the machines that are meant for ab workouts too, and I can feel them working. And it hurts so good. I never thought I'd come to love the soreness after a workout, but apparently I have.
Alright, I think that's it. It's sleepy time. I gotta be up in a little under 8 hours to get a good workout in along with taking a math test. Woo. Sleep well everybody.
Love,
-Nolan
Sunday, February 9, 2014
02/09- I spent my day in front of my computer today!
I really did. I didn't leave the house or really... Do anything. I woke up around 10:45, but didn't leave my bed until like noon.
After that, I spent the afternoon playing Battlefield, Bioshock, Bulletstorm, reading my textbooks, applying for a couple jobs, and pretty much being lazy as hell. Tomorrow I get to work out again, so I'm pretty excited for that. I forget which body section I'm supposed to work on though, so I'll just have to guess. Maybe start the routine over again and go with arms? Probably arms. Anyway.
I didn't really accomplish anything else today... I sent a message to someone that I'm waiting on a reply. It was a tough thing to send and it involves waiting, so I'm not good at it. But the good news is I know where to go from here, so it's just a matter of waiting. Oh well. I got those job applications in! So hopefully I'm going to be getting a call back or something. I need a job, seeing as Dark Souls II is coming out in around a month, and there is no way I'm not getting it when it comes out. I've waited like two years for that shit so even if I have to shovel driveways I'll be getting it.
Errrrrhhhhh... I have nothing else really to say. I've been thinking of updating my most popular posts. Kind of re-writing them with my current perspective. Cleaning up the writing, updating my opinions, that kind of thing! I'll probably do it, I just have to pick a time where I'm in the mood. We'll see.
I guess that's really it... I'm kind of tired. I've had an emotional day just because since I didn't do anything, my mind has been... Wandering all over and it's starting to get a little too difficult to deal with, and that's a sign it's bed time. Sleep well everyone.
Love,
-Nolan
After that, I spent the afternoon playing Battlefield, Bioshock, Bulletstorm, reading my textbooks, applying for a couple jobs, and pretty much being lazy as hell. Tomorrow I get to work out again, so I'm pretty excited for that. I forget which body section I'm supposed to work on though, so I'll just have to guess. Maybe start the routine over again and go with arms? Probably arms. Anyway.
I didn't really accomplish anything else today... I sent a message to someone that I'm waiting on a reply. It was a tough thing to send and it involves waiting, so I'm not good at it. But the good news is I know where to go from here, so it's just a matter of waiting. Oh well. I got those job applications in! So hopefully I'm going to be getting a call back or something. I need a job, seeing as Dark Souls II is coming out in around a month, and there is no way I'm not getting it when it comes out. I've waited like two years for that shit so even if I have to shovel driveways I'll be getting it.
Errrrrhhhhh... I have nothing else really to say. I've been thinking of updating my most popular posts. Kind of re-writing them with my current perspective. Cleaning up the writing, updating my opinions, that kind of thing! I'll probably do it, I just have to pick a time where I'm in the mood. We'll see.
I guess that's really it... I'm kind of tired. I've had an emotional day just because since I didn't do anything, my mind has been... Wandering all over and it's starting to get a little too difficult to deal with, and that's a sign it's bed time. Sleep well everyone.
Love,
-Nolan
Saturday, February 8, 2014
07/08- Bloggggg
Hi I'm drunk.
Not too much.
Like, enough though. Not hammered. But still obviously drunk. And having trouble thinking straight and typing so yeah. And tired.
Today today todayyyyy...
I woke up, cleaned the bathroom, completed a job application, and got a bit of homework done that needed doing. Then headed out to hang out with Ashley! She was hungover from yesterday. We were originally going to drink wine, eat pizza, and watch Netflix, but we cut out the wine part.
We went and picked up some pizza, drinks, candy, and the wine, then headed to her house. The wine was... Okay. It definitely seems like more of an acquired taste, as I didn't really like it at first. After a few sips it was okay, but I couldn't drink a lot of it in one sitting. We watched Clueless, which was FANTASTIC, then we watched... She's All That, which was also quite amazing. I headed home afterwards.
She burnt the pizza haha.
Let's see...
Yeah.
I got home and immediately broke into the drank, because I was going to get drunk tonight and ain't nobody stoppin' me tonight. I had a shot of Grey Goose Vodka, which was really good actually. Then I had some Sour Apple Pucker with Sprite, and it tastes like CANDYYYYY it was delicious. Then I had two shots of vodka with sprite and that's why I'm tipsy now. So my next set of drinks I'll probably have a shot of vodka and the rest of the sprite mixed with the sour apple pucker. Yummy. And play Battlefield 3. Cause it's awesome.
Soooooooo yeah. That's... Pretty much it. I could go on an emotional rant here, but I won't do that. Cause... I dunno. It wouldn't accomplish anything. You know? No real point. So I'm off! Night night folks,
Love,
-Nolan
Not too much.
Like, enough though. Not hammered. But still obviously drunk. And having trouble thinking straight and typing so yeah. And tired.
Today today todayyyyy...
I woke up, cleaned the bathroom, completed a job application, and got a bit of homework done that needed doing. Then headed out to hang out with Ashley! She was hungover from yesterday. We were originally going to drink wine, eat pizza, and watch Netflix, but we cut out the wine part.
We went and picked up some pizza, drinks, candy, and the wine, then headed to her house. The wine was... Okay. It definitely seems like more of an acquired taste, as I didn't really like it at first. After a few sips it was okay, but I couldn't drink a lot of it in one sitting. We watched Clueless, which was FANTASTIC, then we watched... She's All That, which was also quite amazing. I headed home afterwards.
She burnt the pizza haha.
Let's see...
Yeah.
I got home and immediately broke into the drank, because I was going to get drunk tonight and ain't nobody stoppin' me tonight. I had a shot of Grey Goose Vodka, which was really good actually. Then I had some Sour Apple Pucker with Sprite, and it tastes like CANDYYYYY it was delicious. Then I had two shots of vodka with sprite and that's why I'm tipsy now. So my next set of drinks I'll probably have a shot of vodka and the rest of the sprite mixed with the sour apple pucker. Yummy. And play Battlefield 3. Cause it's awesome.
Soooooooo yeah. That's... Pretty much it. I could go on an emotional rant here, but I won't do that. Cause... I dunno. It wouldn't accomplish anything. You know? No real point. So I'm off! Night night folks,
Love,
-Nolan
Friday, February 7, 2014
02/07- I almost forgot to blog!
'Tis true! I'm exhausted, and almost forgot to update you all on my thrilling day.
I worked out and went to class and came home and played Street Fighter then bought Battlefield 3 then played that and now I'm going to bed.
Ta-da!
That... That's actually a decent summation of my day. I mean, there were no details that were really... Exciting. Or interesting. I had a good time at the gym even though it was early, so that happened! I realized that 70 pounds of resistance on the leg extension was way too easy. Which is a good feeling because that's what I used to leave it at. I'm slowly improving! And you can kinda see my abs. So yay Nolan for improvement!
Tomorrow, I have Wine and Pizza and Netflix night with Ashley. I'm very excited. I've kind of given up on trying to attract her anymore, so I'm leaving it at being the gay friend. Which I'll take, because it's still fun. Depending on how much wine I drink I might just crash on her couch or something because I ain't driving back home after drinking. Besides, I'm good at sleeping on couches and floors with just blankets, considering there were times when my last girlfriend wouldn't want me to sleep in her bed but I wouldn't feel safe leaving her alone, so I'd wrap myself in my jacket and sleep on the floor. So I'm pretty sure I can handle a night on the couch. I believe we're watching something called Clueless? I have no idea what it's about but she won't stop telling me to watch it, so I have a feeling that's what we're watching. And of course there will be gossip and complaining about our lack of love lives, and much wine and pizza. It should be fantastic.
I belieeeeeeeeeeve that is it. Anything else... Nope. Not really. Since I won't have my laptop, I most likely won't blog tomorrow, just a heads up, in case you are eagerly awaiting the next edition of my life's story.
Nighty night.
Love,
-Nolan
I worked out and went to class and came home and played Street Fighter then bought Battlefield 3 then played that and now I'm going to bed.
Ta-da!
That... That's actually a decent summation of my day. I mean, there were no details that were really... Exciting. Or interesting. I had a good time at the gym even though it was early, so that happened! I realized that 70 pounds of resistance on the leg extension was way too easy. Which is a good feeling because that's what I used to leave it at. I'm slowly improving! And you can kinda see my abs. So yay Nolan for improvement!
Tomorrow, I have Wine and Pizza and Netflix night with Ashley. I'm very excited. I've kind of given up on trying to attract her anymore, so I'm leaving it at being the gay friend. Which I'll take, because it's still fun. Depending on how much wine I drink I might just crash on her couch or something because I ain't driving back home after drinking. Besides, I'm good at sleeping on couches and floors with just blankets, considering there were times when my last girlfriend wouldn't want me to sleep in her bed but I wouldn't feel safe leaving her alone, so I'd wrap myself in my jacket and sleep on the floor. So I'm pretty sure I can handle a night on the couch. I believe we're watching something called Clueless? I have no idea what it's about but she won't stop telling me to watch it, so I have a feeling that's what we're watching. And of course there will be gossip and complaining about our lack of love lives, and much wine and pizza. It should be fantastic.
I belieeeeeeeeeeve that is it. Anything else... Nope. Not really. Since I won't have my laptop, I most likely won't blog tomorrow, just a heads up, in case you are eagerly awaiting the next edition of my life's story.
Nighty night.
Love,
-Nolan
Thursday, February 6, 2014
02/06- It was cold today as well.
It was quite chilly. I disapprove.
I mean, it was warmer than yesterday, so there's that.
Todayyyyyyy... What did I do... I started off the day with a visit to my therapist, which was good. We talked about a few tough things and covered some good ground on things I don't normally bring up. It was pretty rough, but I needed to hear the things he was bringing up.
After that, I went to work out at the gym, which was fun. No real personal records to beat or anything, just a good workout. Annnnnd tomorrow I have to do the same. At 7 in the morning. When it's exceptionally cold. Grrr. Challenge accepted.
After thatttttttttt... I came home and drank a little vodka from the Grey Goose bottle and dear GOD it was delicious. Then I played some Don't Starve, did some studying, browsed Reddit... Yeah. My day wasn't anything special today really. This girl that I'm still interested in has been SO busy lately that we've barely talked or seen each other in weeks. But I'm slowly learning to actually give someone their space if it's clear they want it, which was a major issue I used to have, but I'm proud to say I'm not spamming her with messages or constantly trying to get her to hang out with me. It sounds dumb, I know. But it's an improvement for me, considering I used to be overbearing and clingy with everyone, but I can actually give space to someone if they want it! Hopefully I'll see her again soon, but until then, I'm okay with this.
Let's see... Any other exciting moments? Uhhh...
Nope. Not really.
I'm going to go play Don't Starve and then pass out. Gotta be up early. And Caleb is dropping off my sweatpants sometime tonight, most likely after I fall asleep. I'm gonna wear them tomorrow because it's Friday and I'm lazy.
Love,
-Nolan
I mean, it was warmer than yesterday, so there's that.
Todayyyyyyy... What did I do... I started off the day with a visit to my therapist, which was good. We talked about a few tough things and covered some good ground on things I don't normally bring up. It was pretty rough, but I needed to hear the things he was bringing up.
After that, I went to work out at the gym, which was fun. No real personal records to beat or anything, just a good workout. Annnnnd tomorrow I have to do the same. At 7 in the morning. When it's exceptionally cold. Grrr. Challenge accepted.
After thatttttttttt... I came home and drank a little vodka from the Grey Goose bottle and dear GOD it was delicious. Then I played some Don't Starve, did some studying, browsed Reddit... Yeah. My day wasn't anything special today really. This girl that I'm still interested in has been SO busy lately that we've barely talked or seen each other in weeks. But I'm slowly learning to actually give someone their space if it's clear they want it, which was a major issue I used to have, but I'm proud to say I'm not spamming her with messages or constantly trying to get her to hang out with me. It sounds dumb, I know. But it's an improvement for me, considering I used to be overbearing and clingy with everyone, but I can actually give space to someone if they want it! Hopefully I'll see her again soon, but until then, I'm okay with this.
Let's see... Any other exciting moments? Uhhh...
Nope. Not really.
I'm going to go play Don't Starve and then pass out. Gotta be up early. And Caleb is dropping off my sweatpants sometime tonight, most likely after I fall asleep. I'm gonna wear them tomorrow because it's Friday and I'm lazy.
Love,
-Nolan
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
02/05- IT WAS TOO COLD
IT WAS FAR TOO COLD TODAY.
I DISAPPROVE.
My day started with waking at about 6:30, then my mom telling me it was -11, so I pretty much "noped" and didn't go work out today. I'm doing it tomorrow, but hell naw not at -11.
After class I played around at home and actually got a good couple hours of studying done!!! So I feel good about that. Then my math tutor came and tutored me and I learned. Then I went to Aaron's to play some video games for a couple hours, and headed home!
I'm sorry my blogs haven't been very well-written lately, I'm kind of waiting to the point that I'm about to pass out before I write them, so I'm very very tired when I start typing. Right now, I'm exceptionally tired mainly because I woke up early, then didn't actually work out so I got a crappy extra 2 hours of sleep, which threw off my schedule.
Alright, I'm having issues keeping my eyes open. It's weird, now that my classes start at either 9 AM or 2 PM, my sleep schedule is really awkward. Oh well. During the weekends I stay awake and that's what matters! Night night everyone,
Love,
-Nolan
I DISAPPROVE.
My day started with waking at about 6:30, then my mom telling me it was -11, so I pretty much "noped" and didn't go work out today. I'm doing it tomorrow, but hell naw not at -11.
After class I played around at home and actually got a good couple hours of studying done!!! So I feel good about that. Then my math tutor came and tutored me and I learned. Then I went to Aaron's to play some video games for a couple hours, and headed home!
I'm sorry my blogs haven't been very well-written lately, I'm kind of waiting to the point that I'm about to pass out before I write them, so I'm very very tired when I start typing. Right now, I'm exceptionally tired mainly because I woke up early, then didn't actually work out so I got a crappy extra 2 hours of sleep, which threw off my schedule.
Alright, I'm having issues keeping my eyes open. It's weird, now that my classes start at either 9 AM or 2 PM, my sleep schedule is really awkward. Oh well. During the weekends I stay awake and that's what matters! Night night everyone,
Love,
-Nolan
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
02/04- Gettin real tired of Don't Starve
Seriously. Day 10. Got killed by a goddamn Tall Bird, then ragequit, then realized I could have used that XP to unlock a new character. That game pisses me off more than almost any other (Besides Dark Souls). But I still love it.
ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I'M FRUSTRATED AS HELL RIGHT NOW AAAAAHHHHHHH.
Get it? Frustrated as HELL? HAhahahaha.
Ugh. Anyway. I just got annoyed.
How was today...
Had a psychiatrist meeting today at around 11, and we did some talking, and it's probably okay for me to drink 2-2.5 drinks an hour instead! Eventually that number will go up based on how I react. I'm going to test it this weekend maybe. Most likely. Maybe.
I've never been truly drunk okay?? I'm not talking shitfaced drunk or anything, I just want to get... Noticeably intoxicated. I'm going to be streaming a Street Fighter IV lobby on Friday, so maybe I'll get tipsy and do that. Should be entertaining.
Ahhh let's see let's see. I went to Wal-Mart and picked up some body wash and shampoo so I got that goin for me.
When I got home after my SUPER exciting day, I pretty much played around on my computer, played the drums a bit, and watched some Netflix.
My life isn't really exciting is it? That's lame. I mean, my working out is going great, I'm keeping true to the "go daily except for rest days", and it's almost a habit. I still have to force myself to go some mornings (like this morning), but at least I go. I'm supposed to recognize my own changes in 4 weeks of working out, friends in 8 weeks, and random people in 12 weeks. I'm almost to noticing them! Oh damn I just flexed and actually looked at my arm and I've got actual muscle. Still got a tiny bit of flab so I can't see my abs, but the running and biking should help with that. And the improved diet of no soda, less candy, more protein, and attempted healthier meals.
I'm at least trying. That's gotta count for something considering how long I've been out of shape and depressed. And I can easily say I'm doing this for me, as having a sexy body wouldn't really increase my chances with her more than anything else. Besides. I wanna look good. And damn, I've got motivation to better myself for once in my life, and that motivation isn't something temporary like a crush, it's a deep-seeded realization that I don't want to be sad my whole life, and I'm the only one who can really kick my own ass into gear effectively.
Well, it's past my bed time if I'm going to be u p at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Good night everyone, and I shall update you on the thrilling tales of my life tomorrow night!
Love,
-Nolan
ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I'M FRUSTRATED AS HELL RIGHT NOW AAAAAHHHHHHH.
Get it? Frustrated as HELL? HAhahahaha.
Ugh. Anyway. I just got annoyed.
How was today...
Had a psychiatrist meeting today at around 11, and we did some talking, and it's probably okay for me to drink 2-2.5 drinks an hour instead! Eventually that number will go up based on how I react. I'm going to test it this weekend maybe. Most likely. Maybe.
I've never been truly drunk okay?? I'm not talking shitfaced drunk or anything, I just want to get... Noticeably intoxicated. I'm going to be streaming a Street Fighter IV lobby on Friday, so maybe I'll get tipsy and do that. Should be entertaining.
Ahhh let's see let's see. I went to Wal-Mart and picked up some body wash and shampoo so I got that goin for me.
When I got home after my SUPER exciting day, I pretty much played around on my computer, played the drums a bit, and watched some Netflix.
My life isn't really exciting is it? That's lame. I mean, my working out is going great, I'm keeping true to the "go daily except for rest days", and it's almost a habit. I still have to force myself to go some mornings (like this morning), but at least I go. I'm supposed to recognize my own changes in 4 weeks of working out, friends in 8 weeks, and random people in 12 weeks. I'm almost to noticing them! Oh damn I just flexed and actually looked at my arm and I've got actual muscle. Still got a tiny bit of flab so I can't see my abs, but the running and biking should help with that. And the improved diet of no soda, less candy, more protein, and attempted healthier meals.
I'm at least trying. That's gotta count for something considering how long I've been out of shape and depressed. And I can easily say I'm doing this for me, as having a sexy body wouldn't really increase my chances with her more than anything else. Besides. I wanna look good. And damn, I've got motivation to better myself for once in my life, and that motivation isn't something temporary like a crush, it's a deep-seeded realization that I don't want to be sad my whole life, and I'm the only one who can really kick my own ass into gear effectively.
Well, it's past my bed time if I'm going to be u p at 6:30 tomorrow morning.
Good night everyone, and I shall update you on the thrilling tales of my life tomorrow night!
Love,
-Nolan
Monday, February 3, 2014
02/03- Today was quite neutral!
Honestly, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays all kind of go really fast for me, mostly because I wake up super early and then go straight to class, so I'm not fully awake at that point. Let's see now, what did I do today...
Worked out, obviously. Arms today. I've learned that I need to push myself harder when I'm working out my arms. They're not nearly as sore as they should be haha. But they are getting a good workout, thankfully. I biked about 4.5 miles in 15 minutes on the bike level 10, which is much better than I was doing before, which was 4 miles in 15 on level 5. I'm going to do endurance cardio and harder cardio alternately. Although tomorrow is leg day, and my legs are still sore from last leg day, so I'll make my cardio a little easier. Probably.
Class was... Class. Boring. Not exciting, but still relatively interesting.
After class I decided to attempt streaming my gameplay, as, 1) My computer is good enough now, and 2) I saw Lizzi do it and it looked fun so I decided to be a copycat.
I streamed Black Ops II for a bit, then moved to Dark Souls, then Don't Starve. Then Street Fighter IV. I'm probably going to stream SSF4 mostly, but the other ones were fun. I got a couple viewers throughout the day, so I felt pretty cool. I posted on Reddit about a lobby I'm opening Friday night where the only character people will be allowed to play will be Dan. I'm gonna stream it. I call it Hibiki Fridays. I used to do it a decent amount before, but I dropped off the SSF map for a long time, but I wanna get back into it. So hopefully people will be interested in it, maybe get some good views. I think I'd like to get into streaming, it'd give me a good hobby, I just have to get to the point where I get feedback and chat going on at the same time. Oh! My fancy little speaker just arrived too! It's not quite as powerful as I expected but it's got some pretty damn good quality for $30!
Oh! And I took my online math quiz and passed it on my first try. I felt quite accomplished.
Okayyy I'm exhausted. I need to get some sleeps. I have a psych appointment tomorrow, so I'm going to probably work out before I go, then get breakfast on the way to class or something. I'll figure it out.
G'night!
Love,
-Nolan
Worked out, obviously. Arms today. I've learned that I need to push myself harder when I'm working out my arms. They're not nearly as sore as they should be haha. But they are getting a good workout, thankfully. I biked about 4.5 miles in 15 minutes on the bike level 10, which is much better than I was doing before, which was 4 miles in 15 on level 5. I'm going to do endurance cardio and harder cardio alternately. Although tomorrow is leg day, and my legs are still sore from last leg day, so I'll make my cardio a little easier. Probably.
Class was... Class. Boring. Not exciting, but still relatively interesting.
After class I decided to attempt streaming my gameplay, as, 1) My computer is good enough now, and 2) I saw Lizzi do it and it looked fun so I decided to be a copycat.
I streamed Black Ops II for a bit, then moved to Dark Souls, then Don't Starve. Then Street Fighter IV. I'm probably going to stream SSF4 mostly, but the other ones were fun. I got a couple viewers throughout the day, so I felt pretty cool. I posted on Reddit about a lobby I'm opening Friday night where the only character people will be allowed to play will be Dan. I'm gonna stream it. I call it Hibiki Fridays. I used to do it a decent amount before, but I dropped off the SSF map for a long time, but I wanna get back into it. So hopefully people will be interested in it, maybe get some good views. I think I'd like to get into streaming, it'd give me a good hobby, I just have to get to the point where I get feedback and chat going on at the same time. Oh! My fancy little speaker just arrived too! It's not quite as powerful as I expected but it's got some pretty damn good quality for $30!
Oh! And I took my online math quiz and passed it on my first try. I felt quite accomplished.
Okayyy I'm exhausted. I need to get some sleeps. I have a psych appointment tomorrow, so I'm going to probably work out before I go, then get breakfast on the way to class or something. I'll figure it out.
G'night!
Love,
-Nolan
Sunday, February 2, 2014
02/02- Sportsball!
Yeah so an important episode of football was on today, season finale or something. There was a lot of sportsing going on Facebook and you know me, I was SUPER excited.
Let's see, what did I actually do...
OH. I slept a bunch! Until like... 1. And I had some very distressing dreams involving some sort of murder and a really freaky creature that was coming for me. So that was fun. But when I got up, I... I do not remember what I did. I think I just stayed around the house and watched Netflix and played games. I accomplished a bit of studying though! So there's that. I had a very long and important talk with my friend Ashley about something big, so that was difficult, but she said some things I needed to hear. So I made a decision about something, and I guess I just have to see how it turns out. Uhhhhm... That's my day actually. I don't think I did anything else. My legs are still killing me from leg day and I have to wake up earlyyyyy to work out tomorrow, so that'll be exciting.
And... That's really it. I'm just iffy on blogging tonight so I'm going to head to sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow goes better than today!
Love,
-Nolan
Let's see, what did I actually do...
OH. I slept a bunch! Until like... 1. And I had some very distressing dreams involving some sort of murder and a really freaky creature that was coming for me. So that was fun. But when I got up, I... I do not remember what I did. I think I just stayed around the house and watched Netflix and played games. I accomplished a bit of studying though! So there's that. I had a very long and important talk with my friend Ashley about something big, so that was difficult, but she said some things I needed to hear. So I made a decision about something, and I guess I just have to see how it turns out. Uhhhhm... That's my day actually. I don't think I did anything else. My legs are still killing me from leg day and I have to wake up earlyyyyy to work out tomorrow, so that'll be exciting.
And... That's really it. I'm just iffy on blogging tonight so I'm going to head to sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow goes better than today!
Love,
-Nolan
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