I'm not very good at venting to others..

I kind of don't really have a big topic for my blog today, but reading Ashley's post this morning has made me think a little bit.

For as long as I can remember, people have come to me with their problems.

That sounds kind of negative, actually.

People have come to me when they feel like they need to get something off their chest.

That sounds more positive!

This, however, is not a bad thing. 

As a matter of fact, I love being able to listen to people and how they feel.

It actually is one of my favorite things to do in this world.

It is such a wonderful feeling for me to be trusted by someone enough to have them tell me how they feel.

I've been asked if it overwhelms me when people vent to me..

It really doesn't. It helps me. 

If I'm upset, I would prefer to talk about someone else's issues!

It takes the focus off of me. It gives me the means to put my problems aside, and just help someone work through what they're going through.

For most of my life, I've been told two things.

1. I give the best hugs,

2. I'm a great listener.

I'm not sure why I give the best hugs.. But I've seriously been told that for so long, it's nuts!

I... yeah, I have no idea why that is. But apparently, it's true! So yeah! Yeah... That's all I got about that.

But as for being a great listener... I don't know. I like listening to people. 

It can give me insight on how people react to certain issues, which makes it easier to read people.

The main reason I actually listen to people vent is because I care. 

I really do.

I care about my friends so much.

So so so so much.

I'm good at compartmentalizing things, which is a good and bad thing in this situation.

It's good because I'm able to set aside my problems and devote my attention to helping them. 

It's bad because it can often override my issues completely, and I shove them down and refuse to let them come out.. That happens more often. I just don't feel like dealing with my problems, so I pretend they're not there. I'm good at that too.

I suppose I often care more than I should, and I devote my entire being to fixing someone else's problems.

Even when I'm told that's a bad thing, I do it anyway. I just want to help people so much that I often will focus on that more than anything else in the world.

Yesterday, I was told by a close friend that my problem is that I blame myself for everything.

It's true.

I really do. I'm so damn paranoid of hurting people that I figure it's safer to constantly be apologizing for everything I do, in case I hurt someone, rather than NOT apologizing and hurting someone.

That's why I blame myself for everything.. I just.. 

Well I feel like everything is my fault.

And I can't change that. I really can't.

It's who I am.
And who I am is.. Different. 

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I've always enjoyed being a special friend. Not just a friend, a special friend.

I don't mean a boyfriend... For the short time I've had that experience, I definitely love being a boyfriend.

But I also love being a special friend.

I'm kind of stealing what Ashley said, but..

Well, I want to be the friend that you can call, baked off your ass, so I can pick you up and take you home.

I want to be the friend that you can be honest to, when you lie to everyone else.

I want to be the one person that you take off your emotional mask in front of.

I want to be the friend that you talk to because you need someone.

I want to be the friend that will drive to your house in the middle of the night, just to give you a hug.

I want to be able to drop by your house and give you candy, just because you had a rough day.

I love being a friend.. I really do.

I love feeling trusted, like I'm someone important.

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Like Ashley said though, I want people to ask me what's wrong sometimes.

However... I'm really weird about that.

I either want to talk about my problems, or I don't.

That sounds simple, but I'm saying that they are two completely polar, extreme opposites.

I'll often come to a friend, begging for someone to listen to me while I complain and bitch about my life.

However, I'll talk about my problems for about 10 minutes, then I'll feel guilty that I'm burdening them, and I'll abruptly stop even talking about myself, then switch subjects.

It's not because I don't trust them, it's not because I have anything against them, it's just..

Well I hate being a burden, and I'm a burden to many people. I know people will tell me I'm not, but I just don't believe them. I realize that I'm extremely annoying to listen to because I'll sit and whine about the stupidest things.
I'm not sure why I'm like that, to be honest. I think it's just a natural impulse for me.
I'm always paranoid of losing my friends because of something I've done.
Because of that, I will do anything physically possible to avoid hurting them.
If that means I can't vent to them, I'll do it. 

However, when it comes to venting, I'm not very good at it.

I used to vent all the time, mostly to Ashley, but I guess I've just.. Lost the skill.

I don't vent well anymore. I dump all my emotions out at once, and it overwhelms so many people.. 

And I hate that. So I just have gotten good at holding in most of my issues.  Most, not all.

I feel like people deal with me just because they'd feel bad if they didn't.

Sometimes, I feel like nobody genuinely cares about me.

I realize that people do... But when I'm that down, I start to believe different things.

Most of  the time, I just hate myself, because I feel absolutely disgusting if I even start to hate someone else. 

I've heard that some people tend to believe the worst in people, so they aren't disappointed.
I'm kind of the opposite. I tend to believe the best in people, and believe the worst in me.

I don't know why. I've always blamed myself for everything.. I really don't like or trust myself enough to believe in myself. I've always been that way.
But I always believe the best in someone else. In others. If I'm hurt, I don't think it's my fault.
Even if it's completely illogical to blame myself for being hurt, I still will.
I don't like admitting that someone else has hurt me, because that would mean that they did something wrong.
Again, this is how I've always been. In every aspect of my life, that's how I see it.
I don't blame anyone else for my pain. I blame everything on myself, because that way, nobody else has a bad name. If I'm to blame for everything, then no one else has done something wrong, right?
That's how I see it.
Even if I'm in pain, I just don't like blaming someone else for it.

I guess I'm weird like that.
I don't know..
I don't see anything wrong with it. I'd rather blame myself for all my pain rather than risk hurting someone else by blaming them.

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I have to admit something right here..

All these blog posts that are positive, all these things that I talk about..
I believe in every single one.
Each word in those posts, I firmly believe in.
I really do think everybody deserves respect.
I truly do think women need more respect.
I think everyone is beautiful in their own way.

I cannot emphasize enough that I really meant every single blog I've written.
However...

I don't believe them about myself.
I don't think I deserve respect, I don't think I'm beautiful in my own way.
I've been told that people think I'm a happy person based on my blogs.
The truth is, I write those because I want to help someone else.
Like I said.. I believe the best in others, and the worst in myself.

So don't think I wrote those just to sound nice, just to get attention.
I really believe every word I wrote.

I just.... Well, I don't think that the positive things are about me.
Does that make sense?

So please don't spread any kind of rumor that I don't think those blogs are true.. Because I know they are.
I know that they help someone else.
By writing them, it allows me to devote time and energy to making someone else's day better, to making them smile.
I live for that.
I love seeing smiles on peoples' faces, especially if I was able to help them form that smile.

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Well, that's my short post for the day.
I might put up another one later, I might not.

By the way, if you like reading blogs, I would definitely recommend checking out Ashley's blog.
Her posts are shorter and more to the point than mine are.
I personally love reading her posts more than my own!
She has such a unique perspective and writing style, and it's just awesome to read about her life and thoughts on various things.
So yeah! Check it out some time!
I dare you. 

Have a good day everybody (:

-Nolan

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Top Five Songs of the Day

1. Predictable by Good Charlotte
2. Icarus Lives! by Periphery
3. Broken by Seether ft. Amy Lee
4. You Kill Me (In a Good Way) by Sleeping with Sirens
5. Memory by Sugarcult

Song Lyric of the Day

~So get back, back, back to where we lasted.

Just like I imagine.

I could never feel this way.

So get back, back, back to the disaster.

My heart's beating faster.

Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.

We could fall apart

And I'd be your memory.

Lost your sense of fear.

Feelings insincere.

Can I be your memory?

Can I be your memory?~

-Memory by Sugarcult

Video Game of the Day

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Youtube Video of the Day

How could this NOT make you smile?

Picture(s) of the Day