A Day In the Life of Nolan: Rambling Post- Emotions, Friends, Depression.

Let's see...

Blogging again..

I really don't feel like blogging again.

I mean, I'm not really upset.

Okay, I'm a little upset.

I've been feeling pretty good all day.
But, because of what's been going on, there's kind of an overshadowing depression just sitting there.

I mean, I feel pretty good right now.
I'm happy-ish, and I had an awesome night with all my friends!
The party is pretty awesome.

10 people, video games, fruit snacks, gatorade, pretty much everything fun.
We played League of Legends a lot, and I got Riot Points from my friends.
I bought Gangplank, Riven, and Cait with Resistance skin.

Pretty darn awesome.
I've been having a wonderful night.

I find out I kick ass as Riven.
She's just so much FUN.
Harass like a boss, farm like a boss, carry like a boss...
I love playing as her.

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I just....
I don't know.
When I think about how happy I am, I realize that I'm just delaying the inevitable depression.
Which is why I try not to think all day.

I've gotten pretty good at distracting myself.
I really have fun sometimes.
But....

I still..
It's still there.
No matter how hard I try, I know that I'll never be truly fine.
I just find it so hard to get over a situation like this.

No matter how hard I want to move on, it's just..
So hard.

I..
I just get exhausted.
Because I devote so much energy to stay happy and smiling all day, everything hits me all at night.
Granted, my medication helps by knocking me out.
It makes it so I don't have to suffer too long.
It quickly blurs my thoughts, makes me sleepy, and finally just makes me pass out.

Taking them is my favorite part of the day.
For about 30 minutes, I'm barely conscious.
I carry out little tasks like brushing my teeth, reading, and right now, blogging.

When I'm distracted and sort of blurry, I find it easier to try and relax.

I've always been angry that guys have the ability to just.. stop thinking.
It's not fair to girls.
They have so much that is inherently difficult in their lives just by being a woman, and yet we still get the advantage of blocking everything out, albeit for a short time.
I've never figured it out.

I'm always thinking.
About something.
And it gets so tiring.
I just...
Wish I could blank out everything.
I wish I could stop thinking completely.
Sit in suspended animation, thoughtless.

But I can't.
My mind goes everywhere.
All the time.
My thoughts are all connected.
I can't just stop thinking about anything.

That's why I just get so tired..
Of everything.

I'm able to distract myself.
Able to find something else to focus on.
Video games, music, a book, friends, homework, anything..

I'm just....
So tired.
10 days...
It feels like 3 years.

I don't know how I'll deal with this.
I'm afraid I'll just...
Snap.

I know I'll never hurt myself again.
I made a promise never to, and I intend to keep that promise.
But when I snap....
I don't know what will happen.
Maybe I'll just lose focus.
Pass out.

Sleep for hours on end.
Maybe I'll be able to stop thinking.
Maybe I'll be able to empty my thoughts.
To truly stop thinking.

But I doubt that.

It will most likely just be a really bad day.

On the plus side, I didn't have any anxiety attacks today.
That's definitely a plus.
I'm so happy about that.

Anxiety attacks are so draining.
Hyperventilation, vision becomes blurry, uncontrollable sobbing, confusion, maybe even a bit of hallucinating.
I've generally had around 5 per day for the past week.

Today, none.

(:

I love that.
Don't get me wrong.
Today has been amazing.
I woke up to 3 texts from some of my greatest friends.
I cleaned the basement, and people started to arrive.
I'm glad I told them to show up at 2 or so, it gave me an early start to a good day.
For the past 12 hours, we've been gaming non-stop.
I love it.
I was able to focus on games constantly.
I played quite a few games, from Resident Evil 5 to Marvel vs Capcom 3, to League of Legends.
It was truly an amazing night.

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I'm so thankful for these friends.
I mentioned that I was most likely going to be upset tonight, and they've worked hard to keep me distracted, to have fun, to avoid focusing on my mood.
They succeeded.
Very well.

I've had a fantastic night.
One of the best in the past week.

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In fact, all my friends have been wonderful.
From being able to cry to my female friends, to drive around for hours just talking..
From hanging out with my guy friends, one of which drove to my house at 11:30 at night.
We just drove around, talking, discussing music, and we went to Wal-Mart and got a Monster and some candy.
That night was fun.

Each friend helps me in a different way.
My female friends are able to comfort me in a way that only females can.

For example, the worst night I had was much better than I had expected.
After the initial shock of what had happened, I texted my friend Erin.
We basically have a sibling relationship.
We make fun of each other for everything.
We kind of look a little similar, and we just trust each other in a way that only siblings could.

I called her, and she picked me up, and we started to drive around.
For around 5 minutes, we just talked.
At 6 minutes, I started crying uncontrollably.
(This is where I prefer a female as company).
She was able to figure out that, at that point, I just needed physical contact from a friend, not just a hug.
She reached across the car and held my hand while I cried.
It helped me calm down.
I was able to cry to her, telling her everything that had happened, and she just listened to me.
She kept driving around for hours, just talking with me.
The first time we looked at a road sign, we were in Windsor.
We made a u-turn in a very sketch parking lot, and went to Wendy's to get frosties(:
That was an awesome night.
I was much happier when I got home.

Guy friends are much different.
If I start crying, there's a small awkward silence.
Until one of us makes a stupid joke.
Then we laugh, and move on to a different topic, one that isn't related to what I'm upset about.
That's what Caleb and I did.

With guys, you don't necessarily forget the topic. You kind of move around it.
Touching on it at some times, but for the most part, we talk about something that makes us happy.
Music, video games, funny stories, that type of thing.

The weird thing about me is, I tend to get emotional like a girl does.
I dwell on the topic probably longer is necessary, and I think through it more than I should.
I never let go of some things.
I keep replaying events in my head.
I over-analyze I repeatedly think through a situation, and I just don't forget something that has affected me in a big way, be it something someone said or did.
I just can't forget things, no matter how hard I try.

(That might not be what happens with some girls, but it's definitely not what happens to some guys).

I cry. A LOT.
When I'm crying, girls help the most.
They let me cry, and.. They just know how to help.
They just work that way (:

Guys are more useful when I'm in a decent mood, as it just makes me happier being around them most of the time.

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I love my friends.
You don't really realize who your friends are until you hit rock bottom.
You find out who takes the time to work through it with you.
They put up with your drastic mood swings.
Through depression, confusion, happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, and pretty much every emotion possible.

My mood swings have.. Done so much to my friends.
One day, I became paranoid.
I deleted tons of my friends from Facebook.
I waited to see who would pursue me, who would try to find out what's wrong.

I pushed away so many people that day.
I figured, if someone that close to me, that important to me, had hurt me, everyone else was most likely trying to hurt me.
I was angry.
I pushed away almost everyone.

And yet, a couple people just told me that they were here for me.
They didn't try to chase me, but they made it clear they cared for me.

I guess my closest friends at this point would be Cooper, Erin, Ashley, Stasia, Cassy, Caleb, Aaron, Dane, and Janae.

If I didn't mention you, it's not because you weren't useful.
Those are just the ones that are off the top of my head, while I'm medicated, confused, and sleepy.

Cooper put up with all my mood swings, and is one of the few people I call 'bro' without sarcasm. He's by far one of my closest guy friends. I can tell him everything.

Erin is my sister. That's enough to explain everything.

Ashley is one of my closest friends for a long time, and she knows how to make me happy, and I'm able to discuss anything with.

I've known Stasia for a year or more, and she quickly became a great friend. Talking with her definitely brightens up my day. She's always there for me when I needed her most.

Cassy and I met as kids, after she threw sand in my eye at the playground ( I still hold that against her ). She's also extremely close to me, and we talk a lot. Definitely one of my favorite people on this planet to talk with.

Dane has been my best friend from 2nd grade on. For about 13 years, we've hung out and gone through a lot. We've never fought. At all. He's always there. We don't really talk emotionally or anything. We just hang out and eat food, play video games, and discuss memes. Quite a bit.

Caleb and I hang out a lot, and he can discuss music with me like no one else can. He's also one of the few guys that I'm okay with crying in front of. We also kind of get emotional in the same way, and we tend to have problems with girls, all the time. We're kindred spirits.

Aaron discusses music with me like Caleb does. Aaron is one of my friends that I know will never judge me.
I can call him and crash on his couch for the night, no questions asked. But I always talk to him.
He knows just what to say.

Janae has been there for me for pretty much forever, but I guess we didn't really talk much.. I find it so amazing that I was able to come to her sobbing late in the night, after not talking for a good year, and yet she still talked to me, and was patient with me while I complained and cried to her.

Thank you all. (:

*Remember, if I didn't mention you, it's because I'm confused and sleepy. I appreciate all my friends. Every single one of you. These are just the people that I've talked to the most in the past week.*

About an hour after deleting all those people, I became paranoid that everyone was leaving me.
I tried to talk to many of them, some ignored me.
Some talked to me.
Some understood what was going on, and they put up with me.

I don't know how I'm so lucky.
To have friends like this.

I think two nights ago was the biggest and worst night.

About a 3 hour anxiety attack.
Constant sobbing. I was constantly hyperventilating.
My vision was blurry from all the tears that were constantly pouring from my eyes.
I calmed down a few times, then started crying even more.
That night, I had two people who were there for the entire thing.

My mom, my friend Stasia, and Janae.
My mom understands me in a way no one else can.
I was in my room.
I texted her and said I needed to be alone for a while, so she said "I won't knock on your door."

It got bad.
Sobbing.
Everything.
Everything that had happened crashed over me like a tsunami.
So many emotions just were crashing into me, drowning me, constantly pounding into my head.

I sat and typed and chatted with Janae and my mom.
When I'm having an anxiety attack, I have trouble talking.
Hyperventilating just makes it too hard, and my thoughts get muddled, and I just can't function.
Typing gives me an outlet.
I have time to think of a reply, and I can keep freaking out, but I'm able to type my sentences out.

I talked for a good 4 or 5 hours with them, from 10 at night 'till 2 in the morning.
They all were just so understanding.
Talking to me, letting me talk, then giving their thoughts, their sympathy, and advice.

I can't thank them enough.

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Honestly, I'm not sure why I talked about all this.
I just don't want to talk about what happened specifically.

But I guess I like talking about my friends.
They mean so much to me.

Right now, I feel bittersweet.
Recalling all my friends has helped me realize that I'm not alone.
I'm not as alone as I thought.
I still feel....
I still feel trapped.
On an island.
Surrounded by waves, constantly getting higher, threatening to engulf me.

My friends are wave breakers.
They help me.
They block out the strongest waves.

I'm able to survive because of them.
But there's always an amount of water that sneaks by..
That start rising slowly around me.
They start at my feet, making me notice them.
They raise to my knees, starting to bother me.
It gets to my waist, slowing me.
It reaches my chest, making me panic.
Finally, they rise above my head, cutting off my breathing.
Blinding me.
I flounder, blindly trying to find something to hold onto.
Slowly, it starts to lower.
I'm able to see the world again.
Everything slowly falls past my feet, leaving me dripping wet.

The dripping water constantly is a reminder of what has happened.
I'm able to spend time in the air, slowly drying.
But the water is always there.
It drips off of me.
It constantly laps around my feet, a lasting reminder of the inevitable.

I'm able to be okay for a short time.
I may even become truly happy for a short time.

But it always comes back.

No matter what I do, it will always be there.

I just...
God I get tired.
Exhausted.

I don't know why I still try to do this.
.
..
...
That's not true.
I have friends.
I have a future, albeit an extremely unclear, foreboding, terrifying future.
There's one in there somewhere.

I have no idea what the next day will bring.
I'm living life one hour at a time.

If I'm happy for an hour, I feel accomplished.
Then I just have another 14 or 15 to go.

It's tiring.
Exhausting.
But I'm there.
Slowly.

I'm making progress.
I can distract myself, and I know what to avoid.
But it's still there.
I'm constantly reminded of what I've lost.
Everything reminds me of what happened.
All my work, gone.
The best 4 months of my life, ending in the worst weekend of my life.

I'm slowly getting stronger.
Barely.
Barely.

One day at a time.
It used to be 1 step forward, 6 steps back.
Now, it's 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

I may eventually be okay.
I honestly can't see it happening any time soon.
I can't see it happening ever.
But that's right now.

Perhaps I'll be okay.
Someday.

But until them, I just...
I'm exhausted.

So tired of all this.

My friends saved me tonight.
I have no doubt that without them, I would have most likely have had a repeat of two nights ago.
But they helped.
They made tonight wonderful.

I'm so glad..
I needed them.
And they were here for me.

And now..
It all crashes into me.
I suppose that's why I'm writing such a long blog post.
I know that the second I publish this, I'll feel terrible again.
I'm trying to delay that as long as possible.

I just keep rambling, rambling, rambling.

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*NEW* Quote of the Day

"My heart isn't cold. It's broken."
-Selene (Underworld: Awakening).

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