I suppose my title is me wondering why I even bother blogging anymore.
I don't mean that in a depressing way.
I just....
I don't know.
I suppose it gives me something to do.
To kind of ramble on.
Ramble about nothing at all.
But people still read it.
You all are strange people.
And I thank you.
It makes me feel important.
I originally started blogging when someone recommended I try it.
So I tried it.
And I guess it just stuck.
It's pretty much something I do now.
Its something that I know I have to do, so I do it.
You've undoubtedly noticed some of my blogs are really really short and boring.
It's simply because I feel compelled to do it.
Not necessarily interesting each time, and generally, it's at 1 or 2 in the morning.
Still daily.
Technically.
---------------------
Let's see..
Today.
Woke up about an hour before I had to be at my three-hour lab.
Stumbled downstairs, ran into the wall.
Made some waffles, ate four of them, while half-asleep and my eyes kept shutting.
Stumbled back upstairs, got in the shower.
Fell asleep in the shower.
Looked out and saw the clock.. I had about 10 minutes to get out, get dressed, and get to class.
Being a guy is advantageous in that situation.. Pretty easy to just jump out, dry my hair, put on clothes, and head out.
However, I'm a special guy.
I stress out when choosing my clothes.
They have to all fit and look good together.
So that threw me off.
I got outside and realized that my pants didn't work with my shoes...
It kind of stressed me out.
Not gonna lie.
---------------------
I drove to campus, probably a little faster than I should have.
I parked pretty darn quickly.
Between two cars.
Very quickly.
I felt awesome.
I got my stuff set up to dash out of the car, then called one of my friends.
I figured she could use a "Good morning! You can do this!" type of call.
It helped her smile, so I felt accomplished.
I then hauled ass to class (I RHYMED).
I pulled my first, "Studying the lab manual while walking to class".
I made it a few minutes late, but still was able to finish the quiz.
Most of it.
I think I did well.
Today, lab was basically designing a very small experiment.
We then did it.
It was fun (:
I talked to the professor after class, and mentioned that I had a few ideas about experiments I'd want to make.
She said I could talk to the lab coordinator, and as long as I had everything planned out, I might be able to do them.
I would love to do that.
I love research.
When it's interesting.
I'm hoping I can get some experience in research if I design a few experiments.
---------------------
Then I went and treated myself to some chili cheese fries for lunch.
I figured, it's the day after my birthday.
My dad really wanted to get dinner today...
I feel terrible.
I was just so full from lunch..
That's the last thing I've eaten today.
I need to go to dinner with my dad.
He'd love it.
I'll skip lunch tomorrow, so we can go to dinner.
(:
Hopefully I'll do that.
Qdoba sounds good right now.
If I wasn't lazy, I'd go out and find something to eat.
But I have class at 9, so I'd better not.
---------------------
I went to work right after class.
Boring.
My friend Zoe stopped by and we talked for a couple minutes.
It was nice to see her (:
We're getting coffee soon.
Then I came home.
That's my day.
I've been sitting, on my ass, since I got home.
I feel so stupid.
I need to at least work out.
Or get a life.
Oh well.
I took my meds, and I'm eating popcorn, watching Saturday Night Live, and working on this blog.
It's nice.
I think I'll try to write an interesting blog this week.
Hmmm.... Where to begin..
I had a fantastic day.
I woke up not knowing what to expect. It was my birthday, but I had no plans.
I went to class and had a boring day there, to be honest.
My blog title is weird, I know.
Don't make fun of me :(
I went home, had some food, then went to work.
Came home then did homework. My dad offered to take my dinner, but I just didn't want to leave the house..
I hung out at home, talking to my friends until about 10 minutes ago:)
I have amazing friends..
I figured I should at least put up ainu blog, so I'm writing this on my iPod.
I'm ready for sleep.. Worn out.
I know, I didn't do anything all day..
But I'm still tired. It's the meds:)
I figure I should get some sleep..
3 hour science lab at 11. Ugh.
Thanks to everyone who sent me happy birthdays:))
It's great to hear from all of you.
Good night!
I'll do a real blog tomorrow. Promise.
Sweet dreams world :)
Though most of you are asleep, so good morning to you:))
Awkward age between 18 and 21.
Still in the 'teens', but above 18.
Not 21.
Grumble.
--------------------
I got a Tumblr.
NO clue what to do with it.
But I have one.
Yay?
I really have NO good ideas on what to blog about.
I've started adding random people on facebook.
It's kind of fun (:
I get to meet tons of new people.
I now have TONS of people texting me.
(Tons being like... 6 people).
I really don't know what else to do about anything.
I'm kind of tired.
O.o
I've had a good day.
Great friends (:
I really don't know what else to talk about right now.
I'm gonna go to sleep.
I just...
I just don't know.
I'm so tired.
Again.
Kind of like last night's post..
Just......
Tired.
I'm glad I have the friends I do.
In 3 days, I've been able to vent to one person in particular the most.
And no matter WHAT crazy shit I say, she doesn't judge me.
Which is surprising.
The stuff I talk about....
I wouldn't be friends with me.
I'm so glad I have people who are though.
They mean so much to me.
I've been feeling pretty good all day.
But, because of what's been going on, there's kind of an overshadowing depression just sitting there.
I mean, I feel pretty good right now.
I'm happy-ish, and I had an awesome night with all my friends!
The party is pretty awesome.
10 people, video games, fruit snacks, gatorade, pretty much everything fun.
We played League of Legends a lot, and I got Riot Points from my friends.
I bought Gangplank, Riven, and Cait with Resistance skin.
Pretty darn awesome.
I've been having a wonderful night.
I find out I kick ass as Riven.
She's just so much FUN.
Harass like a boss, farm like a boss, carry like a boss...
I love playing as her.
--------------------
I just....
I don't know.
When I think about how happy I am, I realize that I'm just delaying the inevitable depression.
Which is why I try not to think all day.
I've gotten pretty good at distracting myself.
I really have fun sometimes.
But....
I still..
It's still there.
No matter how hard I try, I know that I'll never be truly fine.
I just find it so hard to get over a situation like this.
No matter how hard I want to move on, it's just..
So hard.
I..
I just get exhausted.
Because I devote so much energy to stay happy and smiling all day, everything hits me all at night.
Granted, my medication helps by knocking me out.
It makes it so I don't have to suffer too long.
It quickly blurs my thoughts, makes me sleepy, and finally just makes me pass out.
Taking them is my favorite part of the day.
For about 30 minutes, I'm barely conscious.
I carry out little tasks like brushing my teeth, reading, and right now, blogging.
When I'm distracted and sort of blurry, I find it easier to try and relax.
I've always been angry that guys have the ability to just.. stop thinking.
It's not fair to girls.
They have so much that is inherently difficult in their lives just by being a woman, and yet we still get the advantage of blocking everything out, albeit for a short time.
I've never figured it out.
I'm always thinking.
About something.
And it gets so tiring.
I just...
Wish I could blank out everything.
I wish I could stop thinking completely.
Sit in suspended animation, thoughtless.
But I can't.
My mind goes everywhere.
All the time.
My thoughts are all connected.
I can't just stop thinking about anything.
That's why I just get so tired..
Of everything.
I'm able to distract myself.
Able to find something else to focus on.
Video games, music, a book, friends, homework, anything..
I'm just....
So tired.
10 days...
It feels like 3 years.
I don't know how I'll deal with this.
I'm afraid I'll just...
Snap.
I know I'll never hurt myself again.
I made a promise never to, and I intend to keep that promise.
But when I snap....
I don't know what will happen.
Maybe I'll just lose focus.
Pass out.
Sleep for hours on end.
Maybe I'll be able to stop thinking.
Maybe I'll be able to empty my thoughts.
To truly stop thinking.
But I doubt that.
It will most likely just be a really bad day.
On the plus side, I didn't have any anxiety attacks today.
That's definitely a plus.
I'm so happy about that.
Anxiety attacks are so draining.
Hyperventilation, vision becomes blurry, uncontrollable sobbing, confusion, maybe even a bit of hallucinating.
I've generally had around 5 per day for the past week.
Today, none.
(:
I love that.
Don't get me wrong.
Today has been amazing.
I woke up to 3 texts from some of my greatest friends.
I cleaned the basement, and people started to arrive.
I'm glad I told them to show up at 2 or so, it gave me an early start to a good day.
For the past 12 hours, we've been gaming non-stop.
I love it.
I was able to focus on games constantly.
I played quite a few games, from Resident Evil 5 to Marvel vs Capcom 3, to League of Legends.
It was truly an amazing night.
--------------------
I'm so thankful for these friends.
I mentioned that I was most likely going to be upset tonight, and they've worked hard to keep me distracted, to have fun, to avoid focusing on my mood.
They succeeded.
Very well.
I've had a fantastic night.
One of the best in the past week.
--------------------
In fact, all my friends have been wonderful.
From being able to cry to my female friends, to drive around for hours just talking..
From hanging out with my guy friends, one of which drove to my house at 11:30 at night.
We just drove around, talking, discussing music, and we went to Wal-Mart and got a Monster and some candy.
That night was fun.
Each friend helps me in a different way.
My female friends are able to comfort me in a way that only females can.
For example, the worst night I had was much better than I had expected.
After the initial shock of what had happened, I texted my friend Erin.
We basically have a sibling relationship.
We make fun of each other for everything.
We kind of look a little similar, and we just trust each other in a way that only siblings could.
I called her, and she picked me up, and we started to drive around.
For around 5 minutes, we just talked.
At 6 minutes, I started crying uncontrollably.
(This is where I prefer a female as company).
She was able to figure out that, at that point, I just needed physical contact from a friend, not just a hug.
She reached across the car and held my hand while I cried.
It helped me calm down.
I was able to cry to her, telling her everything that had happened, and she just listened to me.
She kept driving around for hours, just talking with me.
The first time we looked at a road sign, we were in Windsor.
We made a u-turn in a very sketch parking lot, and went to Wendy's to get frosties(:
That was an awesome night.
I was much happier when I got home.
Guy friends are much different.
If I start crying, there's a small awkward silence.
Until one of us makes a stupid joke.
Then we laugh, and move on to a different topic, one that isn't related to what I'm upset about.
That's what Caleb and I did.
With guys, you don't necessarily forget the topic. You kind of move around it.
Touching on it at some times, but for the most part, we talk about something that makes us happy.
Music, video games, funny stories, that type of thing.
The weird thing about me is, I tend to get emotional like a girl does.
I dwell on the topic probably longer is necessary, and I think through it more than I should.
I never let go of some things.
I keep replaying events in my head.
I over-analyze I repeatedly think through a situation, and I just don't forget something that has affected me in a big way, be it something someone said or did.
I just can't forget things, no matter how hard I try.
(That might not be what happens with some girls, but it's definitely not what happens to some guys).
I cry. A LOT.
When I'm crying, girls help the most.
They let me cry, and.. They just know how to help.
They just work that way (:
Guys are more useful when I'm in a decent mood, as it just makes me happier being around them most of the time.
--------------------
I love my friends.
You don't really realize who your friends are until you hit rock bottom.
You find out who takes the time to work through it with you.
They put up with your drastic mood swings.
Through depression, confusion, happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, and pretty much every emotion possible.
My mood swings have.. Done so much to my friends.
One day, I became paranoid.
I deleted tons of my friends from Facebook.
I waited to see who would pursue me, who would try to find out what's wrong.
I pushed away so many people that day.
I figured, if someone that close to me, that important to me, had hurt me, everyone else was most likely trying to hurt me.
I was angry.
I pushed away almost everyone.
And yet, a couple people just told me that they were here for me.
They didn't try to chase me, but they made it clear they cared for me.
I guess my closest friends at this point would be Cooper, Erin, Ashley, Stasia, Cassy, Caleb, Aaron, Dane, and Janae.
If I didn't mention you, it's not because you weren't useful.
Those are just the ones that are off the top of my head, while I'm medicated, confused, and sleepy.
Cooper put up with all my mood swings, and is one of the few people I call 'bro' without sarcasm. He's by far one of my closest guy friends. I can tell him everything.
Erin is my sister. That's enough to explain everything.
Ashley is one of my closest friends for a long time, and she knows how to make me happy, and I'm able to discuss anything with.
I've known Stasia for a year or more, and she quickly became a great friend. Talking with her definitely brightens up my day. She's always there for me when I needed her most.
Cassy and I met as kids, after she threw sand in my eye at the playground ( I still hold that against her ). She's also extremely close to me, and we talk a lot. Definitely one of my favorite people on this planet to talk with.
Dane has been my best friend from 2nd grade on. For about 13 years, we've hung out and gone through a lot. We've never fought. At all. He's always there. We don't really talk emotionally or anything. We just hang out and eat food, play video games, and discuss memes. Quite a bit.
Caleb and I hang out a lot, and he can discuss music with me like no one else can. He's also one of the few guys that I'm okay with crying in front of. We also kind of get emotional in the same way, and we tend to have problems with girls, all the time. We're kindred spirits.
Aaron discusses music with me like Caleb does. Aaron is one of my friends that I know will never judge me.
I can call him and crash on his couch for the night, no questions asked. But I always talk to him.
He knows just what to say.
Janae has been there for me for pretty much forever, but I guess we didn't really talk much.. I find it so amazing that I was able to come to her sobbing late in the night, after not talking for a good year, and yet she still talked to me, and was patient with me while I complained and cried to her.
Thank you all. (:
*Remember, if I didn't mention you, it's because I'm confused and sleepy. I appreciate all my friends. Every single one of you. These are just the people that I've talked to the most in the past week.*
About an hour after deleting all those people, I became paranoid that everyone was leaving me.
I tried to talk to many of them, some ignored me.
Some talked to me.
Some understood what was going on, and they put up with me.
I don't know how I'm so lucky.
To have friends like this.
I think two nights ago was the biggest and worst night.
About a 3 hour anxiety attack.
Constant sobbing. I was constantly hyperventilating.
My vision was blurry from all the tears that were constantly pouring from my eyes.
I calmed down a few times, then started crying even more.
That night, I had two people who were there for the entire thing.
My mom, my friend Stasia, and Janae.
My mom understands me in a way no one else can.
I was in my room.
I texted her and said I needed to be alone for a while, so she said "I won't knock on your door."
It got bad.
Sobbing.
Everything.
Everything that had happened crashed over me like a tsunami.
So many emotions just were crashing into me, drowning me, constantly pounding into my head.
I sat and typed and chatted with Janae and my mom.
When I'm having an anxiety attack, I have trouble talking.
Hyperventilating just makes it too hard, and my thoughts get muddled, and I just can't function.
Typing gives me an outlet.
I have time to think of a reply, and I can keep freaking out, but I'm able to type my sentences out.
I talked for a good 4 or 5 hours with them, from 10 at night 'till 2 in the morning.
They all were just so understanding.
Talking to me, letting me talk, then giving their thoughts, their sympathy, and advice.
I can't thank them enough.
--------------------
Honestly, I'm not sure why I talked about all this.
I just don't want to talk about what happened specifically.
But I guess I like talking about my friends.
They mean so much to me.
Right now, I feel bittersweet.
Recalling all my friends has helped me realize that I'm not alone.
I'm not as alone as I thought.
I still feel....
I still feel trapped.
On an island.
Surrounded by waves, constantly getting higher, threatening to engulf me.
My friends are wave breakers.
They help me.
They block out the strongest waves.
I'm able to survive because of them.
But there's always an amount of water that sneaks by..
That start rising slowly around me.
They start at my feet, making me notice them.
They raise to my knees, starting to bother me.
It gets to my waist, slowing me.
It reaches my chest, making me panic.
Finally, they rise above my head, cutting off my breathing.
Blinding me.
I flounder, blindly trying to find something to hold onto.
Slowly, it starts to lower.
I'm able to see the world again.
Everything slowly falls past my feet, leaving me dripping wet.
The dripping water constantly is a reminder of what has happened.
I'm able to spend time in the air, slowly drying.
But the water is always there.
It drips off of me.
It constantly laps around my feet, a lasting reminder of the inevitable.
I'm able to be okay for a short time.
I may even become truly happy for a short time.
But it always comes back.
No matter what I do, it will always be there.
I just...
God I get tired.
Exhausted.
I don't know why I still try to do this.
.
..
...
That's not true.
I have friends.
I have a future, albeit an extremely unclear, foreboding, terrifying future.
There's one in there somewhere.
I have no idea what the next day will bring.
I'm living life one hour at a time.
If I'm happy for an hour, I feel accomplished.
Then I just have another 14 or 15 to go.
It's tiring.
Exhausting.
But I'm there.
Slowly.
I'm making progress.
I can distract myself, and I know what to avoid.
But it's still there.
I'm constantly reminded of what I've lost.
Everything reminds me of what happened.
All my work, gone.
The best 4 months of my life, ending in the worst weekend of my life.
I'm slowly getting stronger.
Barely.
Barely.
One day at a time.
It used to be 1 step forward, 6 steps back.
Now, it's 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.
I may eventually be okay.
I honestly can't see it happening any time soon.
I can't see it happening ever.
But that's right now.
Perhaps I'll be okay.
Someday.
But until them, I just...
I'm exhausted.
So tired of all this.
My friends saved me tonight.
I have no doubt that without them, I would have most likely have had a repeat of two nights ago.
But they helped.
They made tonight wonderful.
I'm so glad..
I needed them.
And they were here for me.
And now..
It all crashes into me.
I suppose that's why I'm writing such a long blog post.
I know that the second I publish this, I'll feel terrible again.
I'm trying to delay that as long as possible.
I just keep rambling, rambling, rambling.
--------------------
*NEW*Quote of the Day
"My heart isn't cold. It's broken."
-Selene (Underworld: Awakening).
Top Five Songs of the Day
Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade
Who Knew by P!nk
When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne
If It Means a Lot To You by A Day To Remember
Just A Dream by Nelly
*NEW* Song Lyric of the Day
~Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes
Because these words were never easier for me to say
Given the past few days, I'm surprised I was able to smile as much as I have today.
A short explanation:
When I'm depressed, I don't usually bother trying to pull myself out of it.
I've been depressed for so long, that I don't really see the point in trying to get out of it, because I know it will come back, no matter what I do.
Obviously, medication has helped with that a decent amount.
--------------------
I don't really know what to blog about tonight.
Not much has really hit me as something exciting to tell the world about.
I'll never explain the full story on the internet, because that's just stupid.
Right now, about... 4 people really know what's been happening recently, and 1 person knows everything.
It's not something I plan on talking about with people.
It's just not something that I believe people deserve to know.
It's in the past.
I can't change any of it.
No matter how much I cry,
No matter how many songs or poems I write,
No matter how HARD I wish things could have been different,
I can't change anything.
There's so much I could talk about on this, but the internet is not the mature or sensible place to put it all.
So, I will go back to my day.
--------------------
Yesterday, I was up to around 3 am, having anxiety attacks, breakdowns, and all-around having a REALLY bad night.
Because of that, I decided I could skip my first two classes, because if I read the book, I'll be caught up.
I didn't skip my Philosophy class because attendance is graded, and I had homework to turn in.
It was okay.
Most of this day was kind of blurred together.
That's been happening a lot recently.
Just.. Moving through the day, not focusing or working on anything.
But I had numerous high points today!
1. I was able to walk to class with my friend Brittany. She was the ONLY person I met at my orientation, and we're great friends. We only have one class together, so I love walking around with her. Today, she thought it was going to be nice weather, so she wore a skirt and leggings. Then she got to campus, and it started dumping snow. I made fun of her for it. But when we got out of class, it was sunny again. Go figure.
2. I've just been talking to a lot of people recently. I've been able to find out who to talk to when I'm upset, and who I can talk to just to distract myself. So many people have been here for me, and I love it. I've definitely been taking my friends for granted.
So, all of you who are reading this, if I talk to you, I can't thank you enough.
You've put up with me for so long, and, recently, you've put up with my VIOLENT mood swings.
From angry, to crying, to furious, to confused, to sobbing, to miserable, to happy, back to angry, and all over again.
Thank you (:
3. I went and saw the new Underworld movie with my dad.
It was AMAZING. I'm a fan of action movies.
Especially the Underworld movies.
I'm particularly a fan of these two women.
Definitely my favorite actresses.
Professional badasses.
The movie was awesome.
My dad and I were able to identify the weapons used in the movie too.
(We love doing that. I've inherited his fascination for weaponry).
Afterwards, we talked about the Beretta's that the actress used in Underworld.
Fully automatic pistols.
That she manages to fire in each hand, quite accurately, for a long period of time.
She's a vampire, which basically explains why she can do that.
Yup.
4. I was able to talk with two friends I haven't talked to in a long time; Janae and Paige.
Last night, Janae was one of the couple people that I was sitting and crying and freaking out while talking to them. She was there in a way that not many other people were. So today, we decided to start catching up in a way that didn't involve me sobbing uncontrollably. She's a great friend. I miss talking to her as often as I used to.
Then, I got to skype with Paige!
We haven't seen each other in about 3 years. We talked occasionally, but never really talked. If you know what I mean.
We had sort of small talk, but we never updated each other on our lives.
Today, I was able to sit down and Skype with her.
It was really awesome!
Talking to a friend that I haven't seen in a while, discussing relationships and such. It was fantastic.
The only downside is, I wasn't able to Skype my other friend tonight, because she went to sleep before we could.
I'm hoping to Skype her as well this weekend.
--------------------
Tomorrow is my birthday party!
I'm quite excited.
Tons of guys, hanging out, playing video games, NOT talking about feelings.
Awesome.
It's what I need after this week.
I'm very excited to see all of them, and just game it up.
I made it clear to them that I've been a little emotionally.. Roller coaster-ish.
But I'm sure that I'll be happy for most of the night.
And if I become unhappy, I know that they'll be able to help me get over it.
By shooting zombies.
Yes please.
--------------------
Recently, music-wise, I've been pretty random.
The thing with my music choice is, I usually have set songs to listen to for what I'm feeling.
I've only recently discovered that I have music that I can listen to when I'm NOT depressed.
It's weird.
My 4 bands that I listen to when I'm unsure of what I feel are; Coldplay, Smash Mouth, OneRepublic, and Sherwood.
They're GREAT bands.
Coldplay and OneRepublic are a little more mellow, for the most part.
And Smash Mouth and Sherwood are generally what I listen to when I just want something poppy.
Yeeup.
That's all I really got right now.
I'm off to sleep..
Good night world!
Tomorrow's another day, and I will make it through (:
Today, I'm a little worn out.
A lot has happened.
A lot of emotional stress, emotional issues, and lots of things that I have to work out.
As a result, my blog will be very short.
--------------------
Last night, I wasn't feeling myself.
I was hurt, upset, scared, emotional, worried, pretty much everything bad.
As such, I told Aaron that I needed to crash on his couch for the night.
He sent me a smiley face (bitches LOVE smiley faces), and told me to head on over after band practice.
I had fun night.
It's what I needed.
--------------------
I'm not in the mood to really share thoughts today.
I've had enough.
Sigh.
I'm tired.
Exhausted, actually.
Overall, the day seemed like it ended pretty well.
Mostly positive.
I hope so at least.
Sigh.
God, I'm tired.
Kind of sad.
It wasn't even all that bad..
I think I'm getting stronger.
Slowly.
I hope so.. I really do.
Good night.
I'm not going to sleep.
I don't sleep before midnight anymore.
Sweet dreams, all you people that go to sleep on time.
--------------------
I have to say, this is not how I wanted to end the night.
But it was to be expected.
Good night.
--------------------
Top Five Songs of the Day
True Love by Angels and Airwaves
Shooting Stars by Cauterize
Slide by The Goo Goo Dolls
Two Is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls, ft Taylor Swift
So...
I'm sitting in the computer lab (which is where I spend my off-periods because I can play video games in peace), but I have forgotten my headphones today.
):
I was really unhappy about that.
So I feel like I should try and maybe get started on a blog post, since I'm not in the mood to play video games.
(That's crazy o.o)
--------------------
Honestly, I have no idea what to even talk about.
I'm just kind of sitting and thinking about a lot of things.
I kind of want to talk about music in this post, which means it'll be a long, drawn-out ordeal that people will have to spend time reading.
Only problem is, I don't know what I should focus on.
All my musical thoughts wouldn't really fit in a single blog post.
But I can sit and decide what to focus on.
Here we go.
Brainstorming.
..
..
Maybe I have something.
Maybe not.
I'll start writing and see what happens.
--------------------
I was talking with Caleb about this a couple days ago. When someone asks you "Who's your favorite band?"
It's hard to know what to say.
I often have to clarify, "What genre?"
Then they pick a genre, then you have to give them your top five because each has their own style, and you like a certain style more than some others.
Like I've said, I used to be musically sheltered.
For a long time, I assumed that rap took no talent because all it was was "talking to a beat".
(Obviously now, I know different. But at that time, I thought I was right).
However, the way I look at it now is, 1. You can't claim a band is the best. 2. You can't decide which genre is the BEST. 3. I often find it hard to call a musician "untalented".
In drummers specifically, 1. You can't decide who is the BEST DRUMMER OF ALL TIME. 2. It's hard to decide between multiple genres, who has more talent. 3. In order to get a feel for drumming, you can't just listen to ONE specific genre (Unless you ONLY want to play 1 genre for your entire life, which there's nothing really WRONG with, I just don't understand why you'd want that.
I will try to address each of these opinions in this blog.
It might be a long blog, so you've been warned.
Don't read it unless you're willing to have an open mind about this, and listen to someone else's opinion without freaking out.
--------------------
1. You can't claim a band is the best.
There are so many factors that fit into a band. Each member's talent, past musical experience, the way they listen to music, the way they write music, the reason they play the instrument they do, how long they've played that instrument, etc.
There are so many variables, and you have to consider that before you judge their music.
Sure, some people will listen for specific parts in a band that they like, and analyze their music based on that.
But everyone has an opinion.
There's nothing wrong in saying, "I like this band the best."
But if you claim, "This band is the best."
You better be able to explain why you believe that. There are certain things that different bands excel at that not many others can claim to be as good as.
Here's a couple examples.
(Keep in mind, I have not even scratched the surface on music. There are millions of bands I have yet to listen to, and tens of millions songs that I need to hear before I can truly claim this. This is my personal opinion based on WHAT I'VE HEARD, and the type of thing that I like.)
Right now, I believe the band Periphery has the most complex metal beats that I've listened to, to date.
Their rhythms are so irregular, and the syncopation is covered by each instrument, independent of each other, yet working together for the same goal, which gives their music a distinct sound.
I personally think that Disturbed has phenomenal tom work. So many of the fills that the drummer uses are carried out with the deep, booming toms that makes them instantly recognizable. Take Down With The Sickness.
Many people know the song just based off the first measure of the drums.
Similarly, the drum part in the chorus of Indestructible is carried out almost completely by a china cymbal, toms, snare, and the bass drum.
I also love Dave Matthews Band. I was brought up listening to them.
The long fill across the toms in the song Kit Kat Jam is what made me pick up drum sticks and start hitting things.
In my opinion, I believe that they definitely excel at improvisation and individual solos.
If you didn't know, they don't really play brand new songs at their concerts.
They play songs that everyone has heard before. Not just because people like them, but because they play the songs differently each time. They always switch something up. I adore them. And Carter Beauford.
In summary, I think that many different bands can excel in different ways, in ways that no other band can.
However, claiming that one band is superior to all others in every way kind of eliminates the whole point of forming a band, or listening to other music.
Everyone has different musical tastes, and no one is more "right" than others.
--------------------
2. You can't claim a certain genre is the best.
This kind of has a lot in common with my last opinion. Every genre is different.
There are similarities, for sure.
But even then, you can't assume that one takes more talent to play than another.
Caleb and I kind of covered a little about that.
There are definitely some genres that would be comparatively easy to switch over from.
(Notice the comparatively easy).
For example, switching from a Jazz drummer into a Big Band drummer would be more simple say, than switching from Black Metal to Pop.
I'm not completely sure how it is for other instruments, but I would kind of assume that's the case.
A singer that used to growl and scream would probably find it hard to become a pop singer.
(Unless you're Maximum the Hormone. Japanese Pop Metal. Their own genre. Winning).
I'm REALLY not sure about guitarists, as I'm still figuring out that a guitar has 6 strings. Not as easy as the Ukulele to just pick up and play.
But I mean... Listening to a Tex Mex guitarist and a Heavy Metal guitarist makes you realize that each genre is drastically different.
The way they solo is so far apart!
In my experience, Los Lonely Boys are one of my favorite Tex Mex band.
(I look at Tex Mex as latin music with western influences. That might be completely off, but it's what I see).
The solos in metal are often fairly straightforward (hah!).
But I don't mean easy to play. I'm saying that they are often kind of...
I don't know how to explain it.
They kind of can be a straight, unbroken line of scales and harmonics.
Whereas Los Lonely Boys, the solos are single notes held at different times, various scales being played almost tentatively, kind of focusing on adding the solos into the song when they feel they should go.
Keep in mind, I'm not an expert on guitars at all.
This is just what I see from a drummer's perspective.
(Even then, I'm not really a good, or experience drummer. All these opinions are based off of how I listen to music).
Each genre of music requires certain skill sets to play.
The way a Jazz band creates improvisation is different than the way a Latin musician creates an improvised solo.
The way a metal band chooses chords and strumming patterns is different than a rock or punk band.
Even pop music has diversity in the genre.
Singers will slide through notes, or hold them differently than others would.
Choosing background effects such as synthesizers require certain sounds that need to compliment the singer, or even choose to sound different than the singer, in order to create a different, unique sound.
Rap is drastically different. Each rapper is unique in the way they choose.
Different vocal inflections, speed, topic, everything is unique from one rapper to the next.
I don't know enough about country to really differentiate between the artists, as I just don't enjoy listening to country music as much as other genres.
But I still can appreciate the musical talent.
I just can't call one genre better than the others.
I can explain that I prefer listening to one genre over another, but you can't claim that it is better than the rest. It simply isn't an intelligent decision.
Every genre is different.
They require different skills that some other genres couldn't play in the same way.
--------------------
3. I find it hard to call a musician 'untalented'.
This kind of goes along with the last point I made.
Each genre requires different skill sets, and some musicians have those skill sets, some don't.
I can't call a musician untalented. It just doesn't seem right.
The only way you can claim that a musician 'isn't very good', is only in objective ways.
For example, if a drummer constantly speeds up, they're not an EXCELLENT drummer, but they're still learning.
You can dislike a singer because they can't find or hold the proper note.
You can dislike a guitarist because they miss their cues, they can't play a solo correctly or smoothly, or they just can't play a constant rhythm.
I think you can say a musician isn't good. I don't think it's right to say they have no talent.
If they've spent the time to learn an instrument, and they are constantly learning, that, in and of itself, is talent (in my opinion).
If you call a musician untalented, I consider it to be an insult. A big insult.
It's a lot more harsh than necessary.
I said it already. You can dislike a musician for objective differences.
If they can't play based on objective factors, you can say they aren't a very good musician.
But they still are learning.
Musicians are always learning.
Just don't say that someone has no talent. It just..
It just is much too negative.
Not a good thing to say.
--------------------
Drummers Specifically
1. You can't claim a drummer is the BEST DRUMMER OF ALL TIME.
This has a lot in common with my other points.
Every drummer is different.
They all interpret music in a different way.
If you had 50 drummers listen to a song, you would get 50 different rhythms, 50 different types of fills.
A drummer is (in my opinion), one of the greatest improvisational musicians.
There is so much to change.
Drum solos aren't limited by chords or chord progressions.
You can truly play whatever rhythm you can hear in your head.
Keep in mind, this is still my opinion.
I could be completely wrong.
But it's how I feel.
Like the band point, every drummer is different.
Some are better at certain things than others.
For example, I had a conversation with a non-drummer that was trying to convince me that one drummer was more complex than another.
It just wasn't easy to explain to him, and he wouldn't listen.
He defined 'complex' as, 'how many separate pieces of the drum set that he could play on.'
I defined 'complex' as, 'being able to play separate syncopated beats with each limb, playing a rhythm that involves off-beats, fills that are put in unusual places but fit the song, and the ability to keep time with the song".
Obviously we didn't take the time and actually define it to each other.
He just was completely sure he was right, because the more pieces you have on your set, the more complex you are.
We were comparing the drummer from August Burns Red and the drummer for Periphery.
They are parts of completely different genres!
You can't judge one genre while looking at it through another genre's 'glasses', so to speak.
I keep reminding you, but this is still my opinion. It's how I see these topics.
I am in no way claiming I'm right about everything.
I'm just trying to be candid about how I feel about this.
--------------------
2. It's hard to decide, over all genres, who is the best drummer.
Pretty much all of my points have the same sound to it.
Different genres require different skill sets!
A metal drummer would probably have a hard time adjusting to a jazz setting.
And vice-versa.
Yeah.
That's basically that.
--------------------
3. In order to get a feel for drumming, I believe you should listen to all the genres you can stand to listen to.
I think that drums are certainly one of the most interesting instruments.
To really fully understand the drums (I haven't reached that point. I'm not trying to sound like an expert here. I'm barely a decent drummer, and I just want to explain it how I see it), I believe one should listen to multiple genres.
It's definitely something I'll be learning for the rest of my life.
You can always find something to change, or to learn something new.
The more genres you listen to, the more ways you'll be able to interpret music.
In my personal experience, it has certainly helped me grow musically to listen to a variety of music.
For example, in classic rock, the fills are often straight, 4/4, snare to tom fills.
Some songs require that sort of fill.
Even metal can benefit from a simple fill.
Listening to Dave Matthews has also changed how I play A LOT.
Carter does this amazing broken beat.
It's hard to explain.
I'll try to explain it the way he did.
If you take a simple 8th note constant tapping, and slowly start removing beats from it, it sounds much more varied and interesting.
It's hard to explain without a high hat.
He plays open-handed, which is much more difficult than it works. And he can play different rhythms with each limb, and make it sound amazing.
He isn't just a drummer.
If you listen to him enough, you slowly will realize he is a musician. His drumming accompanies the music with such beauty that he's an instrument by himself, and he just adds so much to his music.
He's my favorite drummer.
But anyway.
Jazz drumming helps with every genre. At least I think so.
I never really was a true jazz drummer.
I enjoy listening to jazz and emulating some of the rhythms they make.
Jazz drummers are generally phenomenal with snare beats.
Using rolls and various techniques to fill the song with dynamics and texture.
I love jazz.
And yes, heavy metal IS music.
And the drumming is insanely diverse.
Take Slipknot.
Joey Jordison is ALL over the place in his fills. He's so fast it's ridiculous.
But he also can control his sound, and some of his beats are amazing!
For example, the song Purity has one of the most interesting beats I've heard.
He keeps the beat using snare fills, tom work, and the high hat.
But it's not just a straight up 4/4 beat..
It's composed of various fills, emphasizing various points with the high hat.
It's AMAZING.
I love it.
--------------------
That's all I can really think of right now.
That's all I got.
Yup yup.
I hope you enjoyed reading this!
And I hope it affected you in some way.
Don't forget to mention this to a friend (:
--------------------
Top Five Songs
Just a Dream by Nelly
The One That Got Away by Katy Perry (don't judge me)
I forgot to blog, so I'm doing this on my iPod. I'm shutting off electronics for the night, except for my music.
I plan on just relaxing and thinking, with my music as company.
I'm just.. Not in the mood to sleep.
Eddie Izzard was making me laugh before this. I kind of wish I could have held onto that happiness for longer.
But oh well.
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
I don't feel like talking about my day.
So goodnight.
I have no idea what the title is about haha.
I just thought it sounded funny....
Yeah.
That never happened.
LOOK OVER THERE
------------------------------------------>
A distraction!
--------------------
Not much has really happened.
Woke up, made it to class on time! (winning!)
I've found out I start to fall asleep during my Logic class.. I gotta adjust that a bit.
Maybe eat more food before.
Uhhhhhhhhh................
Came home, went to work..
Came home, went out to coffee with one of my greatest friends..
We drove around and talked for a while (:
It was a great time.
Then I came home, and finished off a race I had paused when I left.
Won. First place.
Duh. Winning.
That's basically my day..
OH.
In payday, I unlocked the .45 pistol. (I think it's modeled after a newer colt 1911. Not sure)
It's not as good as I thought.
Still two shots to kill.
Hmm.
Maybe upgraded it works better.
No clue.
Good night!
--------------------
Top Five Songs of the Day
Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson (Weird. I know. But hey.. It's a good song)
Someone Like You by Adele
Who Knew by P!nk
The Last Something That Meant Anything by Mayday Parade
Like a Boss by The Lonely Island (Why? Because it's EPIC. And because it makes me happy.)
Well, I kind of have lost the real motivation to blog recently.
I'm not quite sure why..
Maybe it just got boring.
Meh.
Well, it's a daily blog...
So I might as well keep posting random things so you people (all 5 of you) have something to read when you get bored!
Let's see..
Woke up, and I actually did my homework right away.
No waiting.
Woke up at 12, looked at the clock and said some colorful words about sleeping away half my day, then got up and did my homework, and read some of my textbooks.
Weird.
I don't recall actually wanting to do that... But I guess I did.
--------------------
Uhhhh after that, I think I just played video games..
Kind of pathetic.
That's what my life consists of right now.
Waking up, going to school, working, playing video games, doing homework.
Kind of boring.
Meh.
Played some League of Legends with my friends.
I think I'm going to learn how to play Olaf..
He's hilariously fun.
Also, I need to focus on Pantheon.
To be able to play Mantheon.
Rush 2 bloodthirsters.
Mantheon.
Then I played some Payday with Aaron!
We did.. Okay.
Then he got disconnected. Sad day.
Then I basically played Need For Speed: Most Wanted all day.
So far I've gotten every pink slip from the bosses.
I have a set strategy.
Winning.
--------------------
That's my day.
Pathetic, eh?
Oh well.
I'm just doing it because I have to.
That's okay.
I'm sure blogging will become exciting again soon!
When I start having interesting things to say.
My internal clock is set to go to sleep every morning at 1 to 2 ish.
I don't mind.
It makes it easier for me to wake up at 7:30 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Meh.
Good night I guess.
OH. I worked out too.
--------------------
My workout is kind of.. Pathetic.
15 crunches, 15 bicycles, 15 crunches (done in some sort of circular motion)
3 sets of 15 of free weights
3 sets of 15 of free weights
3 sets of 15 of free weights
5 to 10 minutes of boxing with 5 pound weights in each hand
5 to 10 minutes of horse stance while throwing karate punches with 5 pound weights in each hand
It's not much, and I've gotten to the point that it's not really HARD, it just works my muscles.
Which means I can do it every day.
Or every other day.
